Mark, too right I'm excited!! *hugs*

Repear, I'm sorry you can see something horrible, but remember it's not really there. *offers hugs*

Felica (sorry have probably spelt it wrong), hope your trip to the bank goes okay and you're feeling much better soon. *cuddles*

Sarah, sorry you're having so many problems with your family right now. They're a pain in the bum sometimes aren't they? :( *cuddles*

Being driven insane by her. I want to travel to Cuba this summer but mum is currently refusing to let me. I'm following my councillor and doctors advice to move out next August, its always like this, every day :(

*hugs everyone and then hides away*

*Hugs Laura in your hiding hole*

I need a hiding hole. I spent a chunk of today hidden behind my fiance's sofa because it felt safe. Put all the cushions on the top building a little fort to hide in. Mum is yelling even more now, I want it to stop :(

peeks in and leaves safe packages and hugs* i hope you all have a good week

*Huggles Sarah* I wish I had more to say .
I'm just empty inside. I Harmed it didn't / doesn't hurt much , I don't know if I'm in a S.I. trance or what :S sorry.

*hugs Mark* I hope you're okay, take care of it yeah? Want a nice cosy cushion fort? I'll share mine

I am so close.
I feel like my whole life has fallen through, even though I know I'm being dramatic. I had plans to go to an amusement park with 4 of my friends over fall break, one of these friends being the guy I'm horribly in love with. And... It just fell through today, the guy I love can't go cause of family things, my other friend doesn't have the money. I don't really have the money, but I would do damn near anything to see Mike again (he lives 5 hours away from me).
I feel like my one shot to maybe possibly make him realize he loves me has gone. And I can't stop crying.
I just want to make the tears go away.

*cuddles Felicia*

*Shares Sarahs Cushion Fort* Thankyou :) It's under a dressing and really isn't bl**ding that much at all, it will add another ugly scar to my ever expanding collection :( I'm numb.........

*Hugs Felicia* I'm sorry you can't get to meet your friends and Mike :S Not that it would make you feel any better but I can't meet the woman I'm in love with over her birthday as she is out , so I'm disapointed about that and can empathise a little .

*hugs Mark* thats good then. My scar collection has recently expanded which sickens me about myself. :(

So angry about my family though, they really do suck. Trying to force me into moving to the USA after I've finished uni, which I don't want to do. Not that they're going, they just want me to uproot and go. *sigh*

Fancy a spot of tea in the fort? *gets out teaset*

Edit - Come join us Felicia *offers tea and hugs*

*hugs Mark* I'm sorry. Love really sucks right now. I suppose we'll get through though.
Sarah, why do they want you to move to the USA? It's not that fun or exciting. I'm spending my uni career trying to figure out how to get out of the USA.

*sits down and gets tea* I think I can stay here until I have to go to work :)

I have no idea, mum agrees with the politics the US government is portrayed as using such as blocking things getting into and out of Cuba - trying to stop free trade, invading countries, apparently everyone should listen to the US as they have the right idea and strategy and if they controled the entire world it'd be an amazing thing. *sigh*

I have no desire to even visit the states, let alone live and work there. Especially as being born in the UK I have little to no chance of getting a job with a government or NASA or anything, plus its not a place I want to raise children, seems too unsafe with school shootings and such. I really want to live and work in Germany but mum would disown me if I did so because she hates every German ever because of WWII.

Even the doctors say she has issues.

*makes more tea* My little tea room is getting busy, cupcake or crumpets anyone?

OOOoooh Crumpets!

Am still seeing the monster Voices are telling me to cut i feel unsafe
going to try and keep busy and listen to music through head phones

Cupcake!
Ohhhh, Germany! I'd love to live there, my family's originally from Germany, soooo... Not that the US is bad or anything, cause I'm not dead yet, but we do seem to have a flippin' crap ton of school shootings. But yeah, new goal in life: live in Germany. =) squee!


*hugs Reaper* please try to stay safe dear.

Mark, Felicia, I'm so glad I'm not the only one suffereing unrequited love syndrome. The woman I'm in love with has moved 5 hours away as well. I'll never see her again, so I can empathise with how you both feel.

Felicia- isn't there another time you can arrange to meet? Another date over the break, or maybe later on in the year?

*Hugs everyone else*

I'll do more individuals later.

I've eaten FAR too much , in an effort to feel better I guess but I don't , I feel worse :( I never asked for life to be this way........ Cut , Eat , Cut, Eat , Repeat.........

*hugs Reaper* Come hide in our fort/tea room, its safe in here

And yes, Germany. Not sure if its now more alluring since mum wants to disown me if I go there :p

I don't see the US as bad really, but I would never ever feel safe there, and I've had enough of that at home, when I move out I want to feel safe.

*hugs Mark lots*

*tweaks Accupressure beads that are supposed to calm you*

Hmm I think I need to look into those, I've been spending my nights almost suffocating with lavendar oil :p

Lavendar is supposed to be calming too but I guess you can over do essential oils they can be quite over-powering I think . Have you tried Lavender bubble bath? Morrisons do it quite cheaply , other shops might too :)

i have no idea what to say to that aside from the fact a lot of us here in the US don't agree with many of those points.
Germany on the other hand... I loved the year I spent living there and want to go back but due to having a family I've left that as a hope for retirement rather than a goal for now.
And even if there weren't school shootings these days... the standards many places are far too low so I stick to the ever expanding home school group. *nods* My children are much more polite and obedient than most of the kids I have met these days and I think it's because too many parents these days don't care and just want the schools to raise their kids and that just doesn't work... *grr argh and /ranting*

*huggles mark, felicia and sarah(?)*

Am not safe i have my tools with me wanting to cut so bad everything seems so real not sure what is what

Aye its Sarah, and yeah, kids here are getting worse with cheek and such. Don't like it here either. I know the people don't agree with it but people who are idiots, like my mother, fully support it and thats how countries get in trouble :p

Mark I've no bath here, got lavendar bubble bath at my fiance's though so get a nice relaxing hot bath on Saturdays.

The oil is quite strong but eases off after around 5 minutes, I tend to spray it around and leave the room for a minute or so until it settles :p

*cuddles Reaper* have you got a safe place you can go, physically or mentally?

*Hugs Jill* Please try to stay safe :S

Cuddles all. hmm harmed early on today. Was so damn triggered couldn't hold it tighter,all because I looked a few photos. Erm may have done somthing I'm going to regret a sec or go. But right now I really don't care. Lol

*cuddles* hope you're alright, look after yourself hun x

Oh Jill please take good care of any wounds you have , call an ambulance if you need medical attention okay? *Hugs*

Hugs mark, I'm okay don't worry, noithing to worry about. Erm would say how feeling but that would deff worry people.

*hugs Jill* I hope you're okay, we're here for you

Im sorry everyone. I know i've not been around. I just can't keep up in here. Every time i try to post there is 3 or more pages since the last one... and i Just can't keep up my responses. Bad wardmate i know.

My head is spinning and struggling. i'm exhausted all the time. I keep taking naps which i really don't have time for... and now i have another class to go to. I just want a break from everything.

*hugs everyone*

*hugs Laura* hope you're alright :( I've felt like that before when I had fatigue, it passed but took a lot of rest to stop it. I couldn't do anything with it at all. Hope its not that though *get better soon hugs*

*Hugs Laura* You're not a bad wardmate at all , The ward has been moving fast , fast , fast recently .

I do not think that I'll be up much longer , I'm feeling down on myself and I have an appointment at 10.30am tomorrow so I HAVE to be up at a reasonable time , Have coffee , Bananna , check the ward and my e-mails and shoot out the door on time hopefully .

I can't be depressed whilst asleep (I hope)

When I half wake in the mornings I think I'm still living with my parents at their house , I've lived at my flat for almost 10 months , it's the weirdest feeling realising I'm here not there :S

I lay down for a little while but i couldn't sleep so unsafe

Jill, please let us know how you are feeling, we care.

Laura, have you spoken to your doctor?

Sarah, how are you?

Mark, I can really relate to how you are feeling. I love to sleep because there are no bad feelings then.

Reaper, you often say that you are unsafe but are strong enough to get through those difficult times. I know that you can do it again.

I just phoned the voluntary crisis team because I am feeling really low and triggered but they were no help. They are made up of support workers whose daytime job it is to take people shopping etc. How are they supposed to help emotionally? I don't know how to get in touch with the CMHT crisis team which has just been newly set up.

I just want to die.

I'm calmer now *hugs Lindsay* hope you're alright x

Cuddles all. I know you guys do. Just don't want to worry you guys sorry.

Don't worry about worrying us, we just care :)

*cuddles*

Edit

I'm off to bed *cuddles all wardies*

Night xx

^this
and its more worrisome to not know at all

Hugs everbody. Hmm feel very out of it right now, buzzing. Fidgety can't sit still for a sec. Just really out of it, and I not sure I care. Hahahahaha

*hugs Jill, Lindsay, Mark, April, Hels, Sarah, Felicia, Laura, Crimson, Reaper*

I think I got most of you =/ If I didn't, please feel free to throw pillows at me :)

Argh. My leg kept bouncing up and down today during our welcome-back meeting. Probably because so many people there, mostly first years that I didn't know. But still, I'm in second year, and had a bunch of my friends there... so I shouldn't have been so damn nervous. Maybe should have taken my 2 Q pills like I'm prescribed... but they don't allow me to focus on anything >< Arghhhh. Sorry, I keep ranting about the same stuff over and over. It's frustrating. I'll go ramble on my r/v and save you all the trouble of listening to me whine again :)

*hugs ward & steals some tea (if there's any left)*

Urf. Sorry I've not been in much today, went to my parents' and didn't spend a ton of time on the computer there, so yeah. *cuddles all* There were 3.5 pages since I last posted so sorry, no individuals YET AGAIN... >_< Ugh. I know that there shouldn't be such a thing as a "bad wardie" but I feel like one... lol. Heh.

Had a few stupid o'clock moments whilst driving today... not me, other drivers. One passed me going up a VERY steep hill - double-yellow lines (no passing) and near the crest so s/he couldn't see if anyone was coming. Talk about a dumbass!!! And then another was going around 65-70mph on a 45mph road... idiot. That one also passed me without slowing down, around a curve, with oncoming cars (two lane road), double-yellow line again. UGH UGH UGH. Sometimes I hate the idiotic drivers around here. And I don't even live near a big city!!!! >_<

Anyway. Those were the highlights of my day other than having a lovely date with Jarrod - peppermint mochas and a loooong talk about a lot of different stuff. :) So that was pleasant.

*cuddles all wardies*

*huggles all*

Sorry for the lack of individual replies, I'm just not keeping up at the moment.

The psychologist I saw yesterday wants me to talk to my psychiatrist about my suicide plans. She listed me as high suicide risk. When I mentioned it to my housemate this morning he said that she couldn't ignore it and that I had to do it. I'm not going to though. It's not important. *sigh* I should have kept my mouth shut.

I just don't know ...

Hayley-Rose is my sister and hon ; I love you !! No matter who you get your electricity from. I really love you and I'll kill anyone that makes you ill/upset.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

*hugs April* I'm glad you and Jarrod had a lovely date :) And I share your hatred of idiotic drivers... they only serve to fuel my anger issues.

*hugs Kahlia* If you have highly detailed suicide plans and a date to carry it all out... it's important. Hell, just the idea of wanting to commit suicide is important. I really think you should talk to your psychiatrist as recommended... but it's ultimately your decision. Just know that you're a wonderful person and TONS of people love you and would miss you. Can you share with us what exactly is causing these thoughts/feelings? *extra squishy hugs*

*waves to MJ* Hi :)

End note of Taz: I LOVE HUGH LAURIEEEEE
<3333
:D Sorry, I just couldn't contain my enjoyment. Watching House truly seems to be cheering me up.

Erm sorry guys feeling very triggered right now. Got really dark and twisted thoughts running through my head. Can't get them to shut up there screaming in my head. And I really want to act on them.

Just to reply to Jill and Taz on this page , Sorry It's early and I'm anxious about my Cyber cafe "sahift" this aftenoon and I have Becky the befriendly lady this morning , hence why I'm up so early.

*Hugs Taz* I've never watched House I hope you're okay this morning / night our time , you're probably sleeping :)

*Hugs Jill*Could you try and drown out the thoughts with loud music? Please tryt not to act on them , you can fight them , you can .