Heather Rght? I looked at your profile pic and you are NOT huge , I dislike clothes shopping too * Hugs*

:/ according to sizes hadda get i am... *sigh*
and and if i do say no she'll just KNOW im saying it cuz of that... and im horrid at being assertive ><
gah. stupid clothes shopping =[ had a lean cuisine thingy for lunch... feel too much =[ wish body would do what me want it to =[
*shushes*

sorry I can keep doing this, want to dissapear of the face of
the earth, no longer give a rats ass. Don't see the point
anymore allready brust into tears when a freind asked
if I was okay. Today has just been ****, really had enough.

*hug* im useless but you CAN do this x

*hugs everyone lots & lots*

Trying to keep telling myself she'll be talking me again soon and just need to keep going, I swear each day without properly talking makes it harder. Perhaps aswell all the stuff that happened for us both on Tuesday makes it worse & we were going to have a good old chat yesterday.

It's worse when we've had an argument/situation, as I'm sat there blaming myself. I knew it was coming this time (sometimes I do). But everyday without, is a day closer to her/me/people being okay. Everyday I breathe is a day closer to everything be okay again right? I'm talking a load of waffle, it doesn't have to be replied to, just thinking/talking out loud. It's helping, a bit >_>

So over everything. Trying to keep going. I really am.

*hugs Hels* I definitely go into super-tidying mode when something's bugging me to the point I have excess energy :P Or maybe a slightly manic mode, because I'll clean our whole house top to bottom!

*hugs April* I'll go read your r/v once I post this, and come back and edit. I know how it feels to want to put on a happy face, act like everything's fine... sometimes though, that just makes it worse (at least for me) because you just want somebody to take notice. Whether that's the same for you, I have no idea... but that's just my mindset :/

*hugs Kat* I'm alright... was in a complete crap mood before leaving for work, and for the first half of my shift. On my break I took some painkillers though, and apparently they work to help me focus? Or at least change my mood =/ Although that could have to do with the thunderstorm we had :) I love lightning/thunder + rain... weird? But makes me REALLY happy. How have you been?

*hugs Crimson* That's awesome that you daughter likes the history book :) I could never get interested in history... it just bores me =/

*hugs Mark* I wish I had been around :( Stupid work >< I hope you haven't given in to the urges... And I hope the chamomile tea made you feel slightly better. <3

*hugs shadowedsoul tightly*

*hugs Heather* You are NOT huge hun :) You're gorgeous. But I agree with the dislike of clothes shopping... my mom used to force me to go when I was younger and always made me try on clothes I hated and weren't my typical tomboy style. I'm still not a fan of clothes shopping, but I'm getting used to it.

*hugs April tightly* Just read your r/v... if I were you, I'd be SUPER pissed. "It just happened"? WTF. That's ridiculous, especially as a therapist. Since she worked with you for 5 years, surely she must have known what an impact that would have???

If she had thought of you quite a bit, she could have picked up the phone and made contact. Urgh, sorry... I get angry about people's actions way too easily. Although if you still want to see her, maybe it's worth phoning her up and arranging a new appointment?

Bless you Taz, I didn't even finish it. Once, I cleaned nearly the whole house in 3 hours AND cooked dinner aha!!! Was exhausted but it was worth it =]

Is anyone around , someone who won't get triggered easily , I need to PM someone but only if they are safe to read it

I'm kinda round Mark...*cuddles tight*

I'm here for about a half hour Mark if you want to pm me too.

Are you safe Helen? Because I don't want to risk triggering you
and right now I think I've got it under control (Finally) I can't stay long I've taken my meds which are sedative sorry waffle on

Also Taz Are you safe to talk to trigger wise?

I'm around Mark, and I have safe company. So feel free to PM me.

I'm not really that safe, sorry Mark, but if I can be of use in any other way, then let me know. Sorry :( xxx

*hugs Kat & Mark*

I'm safe Mark... my family is home, and I'm in a decent mood. I won't get triggered :)

Thats ok Helen I Really don;t want to trigger you , it's why I asked :)

I'm here Mark, please PM me if you think it will help.

*cuddles taz* I'm okay actually... Went to the GP today, and actually told her about what's going on in my head, she's doing an urgent refferal to the community pysch (spelling?) nurse. She wanted to put me on anti-depressants, but I wasn't willing to give up breastfeeding yet.

*Cuddles helen* Hi hunny, how are you?

EDIT: *cuddles one step closer* how'd you sneak in so quickly? :P

*hugs Kat* Ahhh, understandable. Funny (in a weird way) because my counselor has me trying to get in ASAP at our local psych hospital for an assessment, following my Tuesday counseling session. Did your GP tell you anything else? I can see how that would be a hard situation =/ Not wanting to give up breastfeeding, but being worried about your mental health at the same time...

How're you doing Lindsay?

*cuddles Kat lots* I don't even know how I feel. Well am definitely worried.

Still worrying about your friends Hels, or something else?

What are you worried about Helen?

I'm really low. Just want to be dead.

Hi Lindsay*Hug*

*Hug Helen*
*Hug Taz*
*Hug Kat*

Taz I PM'd you ...... I really hope it's ok

*cuddles hels* I wish I could help make you feel better.
Taz: not much, she wasn't my usual GP, or infact usually a GP lol. She was an infil from the hospital. She just told me to continue being brave for the next week while they got the refferal sorted.

*cuddles lindsay tight* Anything in particular making you feel this way sweetie

*huggles mark* I hope you feel better soon hun. You expressed a wish for prayers earlier today, and I wondered do you mind if I add you to my regular prayers?

Eeek.. I feel bad not asking EVERYONE that..

*hugs Lindsay* I don't want you to be dead :(

*hugs Mark* Not a problem at all :) I like getting PMs, and I'm in a stable enough mood to handle it. I'm just crap at giving good advice, sorry =/

*hugs Kat* Aw :( It's hard when all somebody can do is tell you to stay brave... yet, that's what I always tell people because I can't think of anything better to say >< Hopefully you get your psych referral soon though!

Kat You can add me to your regular prayers if you think I'm worth praying for , I could use all the help I can get somedays , thankyou so much for the offer :)

*huggles taz* me too.i'm just about done with coping on my own. hopefully it'll come to something better this time. I hope you get your assesment soon too.

Of course I think you're worth praying for, you are worth all the time and effort I can give. Gonna PM you if you don't mind....?

*BIG HUGS TO EVERYONE*

I'm heading out for the softball practice, even though we might just have a team meeting because it rained and the fields might be crap =/ Try to stay safe as much as possible, I'll be thinking of you all <3

I'm going to head to bed it's coming up to 11pm here and my sister is visiting tomorow morning , plus I'm tired . long horrible day, but now its over
*Hugs The Ward*

Kat feel free to PM me , but I'm going to bed so I'll reply tomororw ok ? I hope thats ok

Aye, although both have been in touch. Still very worried about one. Our song, heh, just came on :')

My best friends & stuff. I feel the same way you do aswell to be honest *squishes* Please stay safe sweetie.

*cuddles Kat* Thanks sweetie, think most of my friends do :(

*big cuddles for all* Feel free to PM anyone.. x

Mark, hope you sleep well *squishes*

*cuddles Mark, Taz, Hels, Lindsay, Kat, Crimson, and all I'm forgetting*

Mark, love, anytime you need to talk feel free to PM me. I'm sorry I wasn't online at the time though... :( Hope you have sweet dreams and sleep well... *tucks you into your ward bed* :)

Taz, I love thunder/lighting storms too. They are indeed awesome (and awe-inspiring!!) and I hope that you keep feeling a bit better... cos feeling crap isn't worth, well, crap. Hah. How are you doing now?

Kat, how are you, love? how's the switching been lately? Sorry if I missed something, my brain's muzzy. :( Am blaming it on still being ill.

Hels & Lindsay, I'm sorry you both feel the same way. :( Is there anything I can do to help either of you feel better?

Crimson, how're you doing, sweetie?

I'm so tired... just got off of WoW, it was a nice time spent playing with Jarrod. :) On my 74 going on 75 pally. It was nice. I did log into my 21 pally on Runetotem and one of the guildies wanted to talk but Jarrod didn't want to play on that server (level 20 priest of mine he'd play on), wanted to work on high levels (getting my 74 pally to 80), so yeah. Blah. I don't focus well/longterm in-game. Or IRL to be honest. Lol.

*sighs and retreats to her room* :-S

Oh, and Crimson, yeah, I'm pretty angry with my old therapist myself :'( but if I sent her what I wanted to say to her it could be considered verbal abuse. Heh. :-/ I don't even know if I should respond to that email... was mine out of bounds? I mean, I didn't say anything I oughtn't, did I? :-S

of course mark, sleep tight. *cuddles tight*

*cuddles helen tight* it'll get better soon, it has to. That's the one thing about bad times, they can only get so bad, and once you're down there, the only way is up.

*hugs taz* take care and have fun.

I spy a kahlia *big squishy huggles* you be proudded if you knw what weve done

and an april *cuddles* I'm okay today. Switches arn't too many, and arn't too hectic. Just the two girls out mainly, and a spot of 'miel, but no nastyness since saturday.

and a ...what the? *hugs*

I'm off to bed, well sleep, (i'm already there).

*cuddles Kat* Very true sweetie. I just want to get back up now please?

*cuddles April* Just make it go away? ha

*offers helen a hand* Come on up. It's not too bad up here, well, I can't say what it's like up the top, but this little ledge aint too bad, bit rocky and slippy and i wouldn't wanna set camp up on here, but it'll do. You're going on my prayers too, if you don't mind of course.

*wishes she had a magic wand to make everyone feel better*

*huggles/waves at everyone*

Sorry I've been a bit of a ghost on here. Just sort of slipping in and out.

Turning my computer from dual booting two different Operating Systems - Linux (Kubuntu 10.0.4) and Windows Vista 64bit - into a pure Windows Vista 64bit running across two harddrives - 500GB and 2TB - has been a tiring challenge. The full process hasn't finished. I had to completely reformat both my harddrives to the NTFS file system that Windows uses after backing up my data to a USB external drive. Then reinstall Windows on my boot partition, install the software and updates and bring across the data. Some of my data hasn't come across because of Windows little issue with not liking colons (:) in filenames. I'm going to try booting into a Live CD and renaming the files in the hope that will work. I've spent a day and a half on it so far. But ... I think that it will work. Even though I really do H.A.T.E Windows. *sigh*

I'm going to start doing a Diploma of Information Technology and that means I need to be working on a Windows based system. It gets too complicated to maintain two separate O/S when they are on different partitions so I had to make the switch.

Sorry if that was a bit technical. I can chuck it under a "hide" if you'd prefer me to.

Anyway, feeling really tired today, but also a bit ... meh. Not really anything emotions wise. Bit of a struggle just to keep going, but too much effort to do anything to stop it. Almost disengaged if that makes sense. I don't know . . .

*offers hugs and tlc in whatever form you can accept it then settles down for a quiet read*

*cuddles you both & accepts Kat's hand up*

*cuddles Helen*

Kat: That little ledge sounds quite nice. *offers cuddles*

I spy an April!! *offers cuddles*

*cuddles Kahlia*

A friend of 3 of my friends (if that makes sense) committed suicide yesterday, my friend's understandably really upset. Can't help wonder if it was me, whether my friend would react the same & slightly wishing it was me. I'm so horrible >.> *curls up*

(edited as made mistake)

Hels: I'm sorry to hear that. And the worst thing about suicide is that absolutely everyone who knew the person tends to take on some part of the blame - even if it's just internally. I can understand where you are coming from on "wondering if it was you and wishing it was" honey. *wanders over to you and just sits down next to you so you have someone near you*

yeah this book is called history pockets. 2 pages of info i read to her per unit and 3 projects per unit (if you count the picture dictionary). it had 7 units if i remember right. she did the native american history pockets book first (but i dislike that the cherokee weren't mentioned at all... might get her something to learn that over the summer)

I didn't see anything out of bounds in there. I'm sorry that I don't know how to respond "appropriately" to that either. *huggles*

*cuddles Hels and Kahlia*

Just emailed my therapist again, giving her an update on me... overall it was a pretty shitty update, didn't realize how poorly I've been doing over the past months until I wrote it out. :crying:

Thanks Kahlia. I wrote part of that post wrong, when I was talking about wondering if it was me, I meant to say wonder if she'd feel the same way if it was me. Or something like that annwyay. I didn't even know her at all. But people don't realise how far suicide affects people. they really don't.

*hides in her hole and cries because IRL she'd rather self-destruct than cry...*

:'(

*climbs in April's hole and cuddles her till she feels better*
*hugs Kahlia and Helen*
*runs through the ward huging and waving to everyone*
I spy you April, Helen and Oliver!
*runs away* Time to head home and try to get the youngun done with her reading and some of her art work so I can start turning stuff in next week. On the up side I don't need to cook since I assembled the chili in the crock pot last night. *nods*

Thanks Crimson... *cuddles back* I was beginning to wonder if I had been forgotten... or worse. :-S I know, selfish of me... but we all know I'm a selfish person. :'(

*cuddles Kahlia, Heather, and Crimson, since I spy you all!!*

I just... don't know anymore. :crying: Want to cut/die so ****ing badly.