You can get through it sweetheart. You're getting through it.

yeah but...i know there are pills here. and i know they're not locked up..................................

****, I missed your post. Hope you haven't taken them sweetheart. Keep talking to me xx

*hugs all*

Feeling really su triggered today. Thinking quite a bit of my baby girl (my little miniature schnauzer) that I had to get put down last year. :( Feeling blah and a bit meh, and really down. Just wish I could ... I don't know ... either hurry up to the other side of the depression or whatever ... but just be free of this depression demon forever. *sigh* Sometimes I wish there were easy answers.

*hugs everyone then slips into a dark corner hoping that she can sit and rock and cry and eventually just disappear*

Nicole, sweetie, were you okay last night? Sorry I wasn't on, had to go to bed as was exhausted. :( I hope you didn't take the pills... and today you get to go back to your own bed and teddies. :) That will (hopefully) help you feel a bit better. And I understand about not liking men... in general, I don't - they scare me. Or stupefy me by how stupid they are!! My husband is a good man, though, so I'm not scared of him.

Hels, I'm so sorry about your dog. :( That is so awful, what happened to her/him... will s/he be okay? *cuddles* A girl in my Theories class last term, well, her dog was attacked by a loose K9 police dog!! And her dog is a miniature something-or-other, really cute, and was on a lead, doing nothing she shouldn't've. That was appalling. I mean, a K9 unit dog attacking without provocation or command?! :( Anyway, sorry, tangent.

Sparkle, I feel like that a lot as well. I think a lot of us here do... and I think that a lot of us have "bad"/maladaptive coping mechanisms for dealing with feeling that way. Me, I try to lose myself in something where I can be someone else for a bit, like WoW (World of Warcraft) or a really good book. Sadly, that doesn't always work...

I cut last night. Not bad, just very minor, but there went 2010 being a SI-free year. DAMNIT. Why does it seem like I set myself up for failure?! why does it seem like I want to sabotage myself ALL THE ****ING TIME?! :crying: I honestly don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of the semester... our senior sem paper rough drafts are due on Monday, a week from yesterday, and all I've done on mine is the outline, and haven't even gotten feedback on that. I am freaking out.

I just want to die... :(

*April* I'm sure your S.I. is just a minor blip . So far 2010 has been S.I. free for almost 4 months for you and you've only blipped the once , thats really good going :-)*Hugs*
Yeah I'm the guy who likes Paramore , and Flyleaf and now Superchick thanks to you , which is a good thing, ( Although I still haven't decided which album to buy :S)

Erm awkward question , there have been a couple of posts saying you guys don't feel safe around guys(Men) , should I stop coming here ? I don't want to upset anyone.....

*Group Hugs*

Mark, for me it's fine. It's mostly IRL contact that is uncomfortable for me. I'd say don't worry about it... sorry!! :-S *hugs* Oh, and I'm scared that the SI wasn't just a blip, because I'm feeling triggered this morning and really want to cut. :(

Yey for Paramore, Flyleaf, and Superchick!! You should also try Skillet. :D "Hero" and "The Last Night" are my favorites of theirs... :)

*cuddles Kahlia* Sorry I didn't respond to your post sooner... I hope that the depression lifts for you too. It sucks to be in that low spot for oh so long - how long has it been now??

*hides in a dark corner*

Ok April *Thanx* You are putting me onto so many new bands my bank account will never cope at this rate :P I'll have to be sensible and just check out Superchick for now . *Hugs you and hopes the trigger goes away* and no sorry's! I seem to remember you telling me that was the rule in here :)

Possible trigger S.I.







There was something else but it's gone clean out of my mind *sigh*
*I'm feeling kind of odd , calmer but still anxious , I HATE to admit it but S.I. helped me this morning , helped me to calm , but deep down I've still got THAT knot of tension and I still feel flat and crap. Ugh.

April - It's been 10 weeks since the depression started. I have lifted a little, but am still definitely depressed.

*hugs everyone then disappears into the darkness*

Hey Nicole how you today?Home safe in your own bed yet? *hugs* Doikers (mark?) haha yeah...HMV is eveil they take all my money...and ticketmaster...no fair! April from what I hear you've been doing really well just try and stay motivated and strong so you wont do it again! Hmm.I have no intention of starting to SI but I think I need to let go of mask because its kinda driving me crazy.But that means talking to my lil sis and Im not sure how that conversation will go...scary!

Hey Sparkle , Yeah I'm called Mark :) , Good luck with your conversation with your little Sis * Hugs*

Teenagers are scary... Specially when you suddenly have to be parent instead of big sister and they dont take anything you say seriously.. I wanna talk to her and chat about whether or not she's still SI and if maybe she'd be better of in foster care than with me but how do I do that without being patronising or making her think I'm getting rid of her? :( I kinda ran away to BF's Sunday nite, now I gotta hitch home cos Im broke... Life sucks! *apologies for ranting just sad confused and scared*

*cuddles helen* im so sorry about your dog.

*cuddles april* like everyone else has said, one slip up does not have to change all the good work u've done this year. I know after a slip up it can be hard to imagine not doing it again, but slip ups are a part of recovery (as im sure u already know). Hang in there.

*hugs mark* I dont think u should stop coming around here and I'm sorry that you feel flat... I agree that sometimes music can be the death of the bank account lol. Thank goodness my parents got me an itunes card for my birthday last week otherwise i wouldve spent a lot of money lately :-)

*hugs sparkle* Good luck with your sister! Be safe getting home.

*hugs kahlia* Being stuck in depression for so long really sucks. I hope it continues to life.

I feel like I am loosing my head. There is so much going on up there heh. I talked to my friend last night and he thought it was good that I am telling some other people about my SI stuff... but idk, ever since i did I have felt this constant urge to SI, and I have cut.. not too badly but still... Still he thinks its a move in the right direction, so maybe it is... maybe im just too much of a broken person to make good of a positive thing..

I'm off to class for now.. so sleepy.

*wanders in and waves*
How is everyone this morning?
Sorry for no replies but there were just too many since I was last in and I just couldn't sit and read all the pages...

I'm going mad.
I posted in here earlier & can't find it :|

*group huggles all in ward*

I started to write a post last night but then my partner came home after a hideous day from work so I got sidetracked with him...we put on '24' to relax to!

Anyhoo, my monsterous ear is still on my head for now. *sigh of relief* I've been given a further 2weeks of super duper antibiotics whilst I wait to see the ENT specialist again. My GP said its up to him on whether he wants me to have the surgery or whether he's prepared to keep me on a low dose of antibiotics for possibly the rest of my life!! Um, surely you'd think that would actually be up to me?!!! I'm trying not to freak out about it, after all, freaking out about it won't actually change the situation....I'm just glad I've been given this news on day 4of my cycle and not in PMDD time, otherwise I'd be probably trying to do the operation myself! eek!

I had emotional morning, my godson who is 3went missing, only for 10minutes and he was found by the police, but even so, those were a horrendus 10minutes. He is the closest I will ever have to a child of my own and if his mum hadn't got pregnant with him I wouldn't be alive today. I felt so so sick with worry. He just finds the whole situation funny and told me "I want to go running again so I can go in police car. It was great fun!" Oh dear! I'm just so relieved that he's ok. I'm picking him up from nursery tomorrow, so I hope he doesn't do a runner on me!

I just worte a super long post and am so frustrated as it would'nt post .
My Dad keep coming by twice a week EVERY week I feel like he is checking up on me and it's an invasion of my privacy , he's always asking questions , how are you? are you taking care of yourself ? For crying out loud I am a 29 year old guy TRYING to be independent , I have a support worker I don't need this , he even goes through my mail . How do I get him to back off without hurting his feelings . TOday he grabbed my arm right where I had cut today , it hurt and I had to hide it.
Sorry I can't post individual replies again .
I hope this post makes sence I am struggling finding the right words to express myself and what order to put them in UGH IDIOT , TOTAL IDIOT!!!

*huggles mark* its soo frustrating when you write something out and then it won't post and then you can't get the words out again. You are not an idiot, you are a human being who is struggling. Don't belittle yourself, you deserve more. As for how to tell you dad to back off without hurting his feelings. That is perhaps a tough one, as I don't know your dad and how he would take things and obviously is doing things because he cares and thinks he is helping. I too know how it feels to try and be independant and it all going wrong, but I have learnt to blurt things out now. When I told my mum about my SI last year she wanted me to move back home, my response was "no offense, but I'd be worse, probably suicidal if I moved back in!" So yeah tact isn't one of my stronger points, but I was brought up to tell the truth. I seem to be one or the other, tell the truth or compeltely hide the truth from everyone. I have yet to discover the middle ground.

Gosh what a lot of waffling for not really any advice - sorry! I guess I'm just trying to say I do understand and you're not alone. hmm...

Its time for me to go on my wii fit, I've not done it in about a week since it told me I'd put on weight and would struggle to reach my goal :( But not going on it isn't going to rectify that situation and the main reason I got it was for physio beneifits not for monitoring my bmi. hmmm....

*breathes in, thinks light thoughts and gets out wii fit*

*huggles mark and hayley*
I've contemplated on your situation Mark but all in all I can't think of anything but what Hayley told you... I don't know your dad so I have no real advice to give aside from explaining you aren't trying to be offensive but ... then explain how you feel.

Hayley~ I know how you feel about the wiifit... I should use mine more but I hate when it tells me if I gained or when I don't meet my goal, etc etc... if only there was a way to not have a goal and still play.
But I also got a 5 day workout series (each day is different - stability ball cardio, pilates, yoga, tai chi, stength training) and quit for 2 weeks because I couldn't find disc 3. I get bored easily with things that repeat and some days when my knee is worse rather than better I just can't do the strength training so I was down to 3 of 5 discs... *shakes head* But we found my disc last night :)
Have you tried the golds gym boxing one (for the wii)? It's good cardio wise. and you can even change your 'environment' if you get bored easily with repetitiveness like me.

Ok I'm just rambling now... so I'll wander off and pop in again later.
Gotta call the local bed bath and beyond and see if they have the yogurt maker I want up here...

*peeks in again*

I am so freaking tired. But uni is over for the day, at least... hopefully I'll be able to get at least one assignment churned out tonight somehow, I don't know how though. My brain is almost completely nonfunctional at this point, other than wanting SI so ****ing badly that it SCREAMS at me to go get a blade, even though my husband will be home any minute.

Mark, I don't really have any advice to offer you other than what Crimson & Hayley said... sorry. Just be as polite as you can... hopefully relations won't be damaged. *squishes* I'm sorry that he's been butting in on your business - he has no right to do that really, I mean yes, he's your dad and he cares about you, but that's not the right way to show it. Maybe give him some alternatives?

I'm not doing too well myself, as could probably be gathered. Sorry not many individual replies, am stuck in my own head and just need to vent - which is probably why I shall venture over to my r/v thread in a bit... *sigh*

Really don't feel up to going out to get groceries tonight but it looks like we'll have to as we're running out of food. :-/ Kind of. Maybe we could finish off the salmon... that would be kind of tasty. My appetite's really, really been gone since last Thursday when the anxiety hit, so it's hard to find things that I am willing to eat/drink. It sucks beyond belief... :( ...or maybe it's my ED popping up again, I don't know, maybe both.

*hides some more after a group cuddle* :(

*huggles april and crimson* we can never have too many huggles right?! Well, as long as they're from the right people with correct intnetions!

Well I've knackered myself out on the wii fit. I'd had a weeks break, naughty naughty, my physio wouldn't be impressed. I hadn't deteriorated too badly but it is amazing to see how quickly I can improve and then get worse again. I'm not too sure how I'll feel in a few hours or even tomorrow as often with M.E, the damaging effects of an activity show up delayed. But I've got to do something to try and improve myself, otherwise I'd loose all hope. 2010 is the year for me to get rid of my walking stick I've decided!!

*goes out to the smoking shelter as realises is gasping for one!*

I just ventured out of the safety of the virtual psych ward into chat ...dundundun!!!! I lurked for about, oh 1minute and then decided it was all far too much for me and I've come back in here.

*grabs hold of Kahlia for huggle as wants to hold onto something that is safe and known to her* ....sorry, someone, not something! I can see you're reading this thread atm as I type!

Oh my goodness, when did I become such a whimp that I even struggle with internet interaction?! Maybe its just 'cos its the end of the day for me? Meds and bedtime for me soon.

*hugs Hayley* - It's okay hun.

It's almost 8 am here. Another "lovely" day in Oz. ... Ha. On that point ... when the cyclone was threatening the coast, one of my friends was stating that we might wake up in Kansas because we started out in Oz.

*hugs everyone*

Lol about the kansas thingymabob :) thats my sense of humour

It's not late late here, only 10pm, but 'cos of how my night meds make me drowsy and are in my system for about 10-12hours, if I don't take them shortly after 10pm I end up wasting away a lot of the next day! I know at 28 I should be able to stay up til midnight and then rise before 8am and not have a problem, but with M.E and medications that is beyond my capabilities. I do often feel that I'm sleeping or resting my life away, but on that matter, the choice has been taken away from me. If I could change it, I would.

*group huggles everyone in ward*
*toddles off to take her meds and get tucked up with her teddy bear*

I hope people have a good and safe day/night. xxxxxxxx

Good morning Kahlia!
Good night Hayley!

*curls up and hides*

Scared.
So scared.
:'(

*huggles everybody*

Im so tired of this....

*hugs everyone*
*runs away*

Good morning, everyone... *cuddles for all*

I'm so sick of this. I wake up every morning, anxious, and not wanting Jarrod to go to work. He's already used up 2+ weeks of his 3 weeks of vacation time, either taking care of himself or taking care of me. It sucks, and I feel so awful. I think he would be better off without me. I really do. I'm just a burden, and I'm not getting any better. In fact, I'm getting worse.

I don't know. My appetite is practically gone, although I know I need to eat, and whilst I never had much of an appetite before, at least I didn't want to gag at the thought of eating something. :( I don't have a therapist anymore and I don't know when I'll be able to get back into therapy... I have to do meds through mail-order now or else insurance won't cover them at all, and I'm running out of Klonopin (clonazepam, a benzodiazepine) which I REALLY REALLY REALLY need... damn, I'm such a slacker.

I'm sorry for posting this here. It really should go on my r/v thread... but I don't know how many people read that.

*hides*

* Hugs April* I know how you feel about Benzo's I woulden't get through the day sometime's without my Diazapam . You are not a slacker you are just in a bad place , You WILL get through this .

*hugs to everyone who left me advice re my Dad I'll have to give it some thought*
*Hugs to the whole group*


I'm feeling really triggered but I haven't given in to the urge yet today and recently I have given in by now its coming up to 10.30am I'll just have to play the 15 minute game, check how I am every 15 minutes and say If I need to cut in 15 mins I will and then after 15 mins say the same thing and start over , it might work .

Does that make sense?

I feel "High" really really un focused . My mind is racing . it won't stop . I'm all high pitched ( Don't know how else to describe it) . perhaps it's because I haven't harmed today , I REALLY want to , NEED too , I don't like feeling so hyper , I'll take a Diazapam , perhaps that will help bring me down , I can feel my anxiety coming too best take the Diaz before it gets here . Hope this makes sense I am just typing as I'm thinking ......

Yep, it makes sense to me, Mark. The 15 minute game & I are good friends... lol. *curls up next to* Thanks for the support... I do feel like a slacker though, I really do... I wish I could change how I felt, that would make life SO much easier. :( Do you have any idea why you're triggered or are you just, well, triggered? *hugs* Keep fighting the urges... you can do it... you've made it through before. You're stronger than you know.

How is everyone doing this morning?? *cuddles*

I am so tired of living. I want to ask for an extension on a take-home exam that is due tomorrow given that over the weekend I was wayyy too anxious to do it... I'm going to try and get it done today but I don't know if that's going to happen. :( That's why I call(ed) myself a slacker... I put off my work until the last minute and then hope that everything will turn out okay. I AM SO STUPID!!!

:crying:

What you said makes sense to me, Mark, again. Hope the diazepam helps. That's Xanax, right? or is it Ativan? I keep forgetting which is which in the world of "'pams"... heh. Anyway, I do hope that you can calm down some soon... I hate it when I am manicky. :(

My NP gave me a script for more Klonopin but only a 30 day supply... I don't like that as I will have to order again in about 15 days, which is really dumb and money wasting and I don't know if insurance will like that.

I really feel so stupid. Need to go write in my r/v thread I guess... :(

MANIC!! thats the perfect word to describe the feeling April , thankyou :) been racking my brain for the right word . If you were too anious to do the exam I think it's fair to ask for an extention , anxiety is SO hard to control ( I know from experience ) it's not your fault at all , Good luck with it if you try to do it today or try and get the extention .
Diazapam is Valium , Somedays I just can't function without it so I can certanly empathise with your Klonopin *Super Hugs*

Ah Valium, should've known that. :) *cuddles* Yes, manic. (You're welcome!!) Are you bipolar? or just keyed up because you haven't SI'd? (which is awesome :D)

I did just email and ask for an extension... gonna try and get as much done as possible today but have been doing awfully so far today, am at my parents' so I won't cut or try and kill myself (yes, it's that bad)... but I refuse to go into hospital because I'm soo close to the end of the semester. Just 6 more weeks... if I end up in hos now I won't be able to finish off the semester.

**** **** ****. I HATE BEING THIS WAY!!! :crying:

EDIT - oh and just updated r/v thread...

I'm not Bipolar , I have chronic Depression but sometimes get all manic ( Sounds like bipolar I know but chronic depression is my Diagnosis .) I'm on AD meds and Lithium and anti anxiety meds and anti psycotics and Antabuse so I don't drink( 12 days since I had any alcohol but thats for another post ) I STILL Haven't S.I.ed it's getting harder I hope the Diaz kicks in soon or I may be naughty and take another so soon .
I read your Vent spot April *HUGS* , perhaps it's a good idea to be at your parents , please stay safe .

*HUGS*

Oh okay, Mark, that makes sense. :) Maybe it's more of a mood disorder NOS but I don't know... who does, heh, the mind is a VERY tricky thing to work with. I have no idea what I was thinking when I decided to become a psych major... lol. Don't get me wrong, I love it, it's just that it's, well, TRICKY. :P

Yer it probably is a good idea for me to be at my parents'. And I got the first part of the exam done, which is a good start... hopefully will be able to finish it up today sometime, although as I said, I did ask for an extension. :-/

Well done, Mark, for not SI'ing yet. Maybe curl up in bed for awhile to let the diaz kick in?? *is still curled up next to* :)

*hugs Sparkle back* How're you doing?

I utterly caved in , I went for a walk as the urge was getting so strong but I ended up getting wet ( too manic / flat to think I'd need a jacket ) nd the only place left was to go home , outside was too crowded so I just got anxious which just led to me harming along with feeling flat and manic . All these contradictory feeling at once my mind can't take it . At least the anxiety had calmed although I'm still Flat and manic . Too weak willed to tough out a whole day without S.I.
Thats just me, pathetic boy! ruining my body one bit at a time , I really wish the manicness and depression would **** off , it's like my own mind is trying to trip me up no matter what I do , I'm just an insignifican't waste of space ugh. sorry to be so wrapped up in myself in this post . *Pops into bed with another Diaz*

So over everything :'(

25 minutes in bed with another diaz has helped . I am feeling calmer .

April what does NOS mean?

mark~ nos means not otherwise specified i do believe.
glad you're feeling calmer *hugs*

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bkVaXVQUBa8[/ame]

Just thought I'd share :)

Thanks for sharing Crimson :)
I slipped up again today , twice in one day isn't good
It's 7pm , I am going to bed , I'm exhausted and I don't want there to be a 3rd slip up on my part today.
Goodnight everyone , stay safe , catch you tommorow morning :-)

*Cuddles Mark*
Keep safe and sleep well.

Is it strange that I post positive and negative both in my r/v thread?
Ah well... If it's strange it's cuz it's my thread and I am strange and proud of it :D

April - Just thought I'd share this. The hospital here tried to put me on Clonazepam instead of Xanax (alprazolam), but in our system it's only available under the PBS (subsidy scheme) for palliative care patients!

*hugs everyone tightly*

I had a bad night last night. Really strong su urges. Seriously not coping overly well. I'm going to see my GP today about getting a) a cortisone injection into my shoulder or (if he won't accept it) b) some decent NSAID pain killers. Also having a massive problem with constipation due to the high levels of codeine I've been taking ... it's driving me insane.

*sigh* I guess the only thing I can say is: we shall see what we shall see, when we shall see it.

Sorry for the lack of individual replies, I have been reading and you are all in my thoughts, though.

*hugs everyone then tries to nip into a dark corner to catch a little bit of extra sleep before the courtesy bus from the doctors surgery drops around*

*huggles Kahlia*
Keep you in thoughts :)

*hugs Crimson*
*hugs everyone*

Just popped up again to say ... I have just reached my 19 months SI free!

*does a little happy dance*
*runs out of energy and sits down on the floor*

Congrats! That's awesome!