*snuggles* What's up Amanda?

just missing my hubby
Today is our 1st wedding anniversary... and we are 6000+ miles apart :(

*snuggles Amanda*
That sucks sweetie I'm sorry

yeah and I posted about it in "Support" and no one cares :(

Hunni it isn't that no one cares... Sometimes it just happens that way. It seems to me that everyone is feeling rather crap atm and that tends to make it hard to support...*massive hugs* folks care hun, really.

((((((((Amanda))))))))

We do care but with all of us all over the world, give it 24-48 hours?

Some blonde idiot I know had caffeine waaayyy too late into the afternoon. Then when I tried to go to bed at around 10pm, realized that two pieces of fabric that I had cut into trapezoids should have been drawn and cut as parts of a cone, think angled lampshade. Got my wonderful husband to help out, another gift. Not enough fabric left to do it in one piece, doing each piece as three. So I wouldn't forget, I've already pre-pressed the hems into shape and pinned it ready to go for the morning. Sigh. And I wanted to make a sun shirt for myself too. We'll see. Grumph.

:crying: kinda mean :sad:

it really sucks how everyone is struggling right now.

a guy on my floor likes me. he was hugging me last night and....yeah....obvious signs became apparent, shall we say ;-)

i love my boyfriend. my boyfriend who is coming from the other side of the world to live with me next year.

but i havent had any male contact for soooooooo long. i don't know if i would say no.

**** **** ****. i don't know what to dooooooooooo.

haven't cut so far. my skin itches every day. argh. i want it. my god i want it so much. it would make everything better im sure of it.

(((hugs))) no it won't honey... I promise, in the long run, it won't.

*hugs you Chloe* You said your boyfriend is going to move to be with you so he obviously cares a great deal about you. Don't sabotage that relationship to have sex. You are worth more than that and cutting and so is your boyfriend. Stay safe x

*hugs my new RYL sister Blondie bear* You can get it done sis, I have faith in you! I wish I could sew and make things like you do :)

*hugs everyone else who needs them*

Ally, Alexx, Hells???? Where are you guys?

I am going to Wales again in a bit so will have no net again until late thursday or maybe friday. Will check back in quickly before I go.

------------- *possible SI/suicide trigger*
I slept really badly last night, spent the whole time dreaming about yesterday, about future incidents of SI, I could hear people having these conversations about it, about ODing, cliffs, everything. Then I woke up and felt awful.
I can't look at anything electrical now without imagining electrocuting myself, and whilst it is kind of scary it is also sort of exciting. I want to cut but I will end up in a+e again and I can't today. I keep thinking how easy it would be. I will be driving almost past a huge popular suicide spot today, one I've considered and I really want to go to it. Not to do anything, just to go there, but I'm not sure if I do that I will come back.

Emma,
Sorry to hear that you are in a bad way today - you went through a lot yesterday and them making you wait around like that for nothing at the end of it wouldn't have done you any good. I would stay away from the popular suicide resort - I live near Beachy Head which is also one and no way would I recomend myself going up there right now (plus the fact that only a few weeks ago we through my dad's ashes of it).
It must be hard having all these thoughts about electrocution - and I really don't know what to say to try and help you get them out of your head - but you have to try. You are worth so much more than that - you need to carry on living becuase you deserve to be happy in the future - I know that seems such an impossibilty right now but you can be and I'd hate for you to miss out on that chance.
I am so sorry this post seems so inadequate to help you with the way that you are feeling but it comes with all the love and care in the world. I hope your trip to wales goes OK and I look forward to seeing you back here in a few days. Please take care. xxx

Thanks Katch :) <----- see you even got a smile off of me. I'm so pleased you joined RYL x

I'm glad I joined to - I so wish I had known about this site a few years ago. It really has become a bit of a lifeline and even though I will have to go away again soon and not be on it - I do intend on being a member for ever - asking for help on it when I need it - and when I don't I'm going to come back and be there for as many people as I can - it almost gives a purpose to what I have been through and I plan on coming out a better person for it. I already find myself thinking about all of you when I am not on line - as if I have met you all, and worrying and caring about you all.
Take care and thank you for the smile :) (that's the first one I have ever done of them - you are honoured. xxx

I am severly pissed off with myself.

I woke up about 9am this morning and went back to sleep instead of getting up to do some work. As a result I slept until 20 minutes ago. Now I'm going to have run around like a complete **** til I've got my UNFINISHED work handed in, I've got until 3pm. Why the **** do I make things worse for myself? Seriously? So it means I'll get called back in for either tomorrow or friday.

*cries* This is the last thing I need today. ****ing have ruined the ONE thing I've worked for ALL YEAR. I just hope to gwad that this doesn't ruin my chance of getting into my uni that I want. But my overall grade is relying heavily on this unit *sobs*

Try and get yourself a little bit more relaxed hun - you won't get anything done if you are panicking - first thing you need to do is leave any posts till later - make yourself a drink and sit down and start your stuff. You have an hour now - and if you have to go back in tomorrow or Friday then so be it - just try and get it done, it is important to you so take your time with it - don't rush it. Wish I could do some for you - but if I did you probably wouldn't pass. Good luck with it Hells, and we will see you later when you have finished it. Love you xxx

Thanks, I haven't got an hour to finish it though. I'm at home, travelling will take 30 minutes at the most. So I want to hand it in before 3pm, because I want to go visit my old school which I still plan to do. So I'll see you in 2-3 hours time. Then I'll check my thread then aswell.

Emma, I don't know if you'll read this before you get back....but PLEASE take care hun. So many of us love & really care about you. Me included. I'm really worried about you and wish I could do more for you xx

*massive hugs* Helen, I hope you are able to get things done to your liking luv. Don't worry about uni right now... I am sure you have done better than you think.

Hey, I want Emma in MY RYL family!!!(Ah, and I was sleeping... It was three something in the morning here lol... Hmm, though that might have been one of the thousand times I woke up last night:pinch:)
Having said that :-D... Emma I am SO sorry you are feeling this way luv *snuggles* I really wish I could fix it for you. I love you so much sweetie. Please, please, please take care hun *massive snuggles*

*hugs her RYL mom* I hope you can get your sun shirt done. Sometimes you just need to do something for yourself.

Cloe, sweetie, cutting won't make it all better. As for this guy, maybe it would be a good idea to not spend a lot of time with him. If you love your BF then it's just not worth it.*snuggles*

*sigh* I am exhausted, feel crap, and would really just prefer not to exist any more. It is SO not cool to 'be done' and stuck alive:pinch:

*hugs emma*
*returns hugs with Ally*
This solar powered sunflower went to bed around midnight. And got up at the usual 6am. If I can stay awake, I'll make up the sailboat stuff I cut out last night, then work on my sun shirt. I'm using ome of my customer's patterns. I've made so many shirts for him that I can do this one in my sleep. I may end up doing that.
I think that first though I'll go curl up next to hubby for a bit. If I sleep until the little game "generation gap" comes on the radio that will be another half hour. I am so addicted to diet pepsi. The brand is not an endorsement, just a preference. I'll drink diet coke if that's what is available.

*quietly walks towards the couch and snuggles up there by myself*

*sits with Jeremy on the psych ward couch till he falls asleep*

RYL-mom Susan, I am glad you were able to get some sleep. I hope you manage to catch a bit more.

Klavier, I'm sorry you're having such a time of it. *hugs* hope things get better soon hun, that your friend will have more patience.
---------
F**k me:crying:

*hugs everyone*

*sits alone in corner and rocks*
I HATE MY LIFE... I HATE MY LIFE... I HATE IT!!!!

*squishes everybody*
i love you all so much and i am sorry i have been lurking and not talking much
even if i'm not talking i am a permanent fixture in this Denial Tent here lol
ty Jeremy love and Chloe and Alexx and Emma and Helen and everybody i <3 you
i think my head is exploding. 6 weeks till i go to therapy again and i see now what he meant by "we won't make progress if you go a month between appointments, callie." huh fancy that the doctor knew what he was talking about oops. <laughs> teehee i have an ulcerated mouth sore, and some tooth enamel erosion that i had to have covered in bond and sealances yesterday that wasn't fun though. lovely physical effects of the eating disorder i (don't) have. i am also wondering if i should tell my therapist that i ummm apparently may have hallucinated a giant monster surrounded by flames when i was actually looking at a small terrier, yes the dog. that hasn't happened since so maybe it is an awkward isolated incident?
(i want to do something very naughty but so far i have been good)
Ally get used to being stuck alive, you are stuck here with me and not allowed to leave. fact of.... life.
Susan i hope you are okay dear. Katch i want your sloth it reminds me of Star Wars ewoks.
*waves to Klavier and BoundByThoughts*

Chloe, is your name spelled Chloe or Cloe?
/randomness

lalala back to work

Hey Amanda - Mama wants to know whats wrong - and is there anything I can do to help - always happy to listen.

Sorry but the Sloth stays with me - they were so cuddly and they just cling on to you - so cute - I need it's hugs at the moment.

Huggles and squishes to everyone.

*hugs everyone*

I'm back. I thought I was going to either cry or faint at college. :| Two people asked me if I was okay (I wonder if they saw blood on my teeth oops) and I could barely answer. My teacher gave me the two usual forms to fill in which I did, then I handed him my unfinished folder. He started to look through it so I legged it out before he could comment. >_< Then I dozily went to a room I often sit in to do work and for no reason and five minutes later walked off to go home. Then I bumped into a mate and told her what was up ansd had goood chat about what was bugging me (well only mentioned the work really and how I should stop taking on other people's problems aswell as my own and how I should look aftrer myself) Oh dear!!! Then got on a bus eventually, bit of a stressful journey home but the last bit was good. Was talking to someone me & my mum as they live on our street too =D

So glad it's handed in.....for now =\ But I need to get this anger out and not take it out on myself.

*hugs everyone else lots and lots.* Sorry I'm being so bitchy atm. Ally, you know Callie is talking sense!!!

(((hugs))) Helen... you are not being bitchy... you are just expressing emotion.

I am being being bitchy by saying people don't care etc....

*hugs hugs back*

I.need.to.get.this.anger.out.

I don't really know what's wrong to be honest... I just feel very very numb and dissociated at the moment... :-(
but at the same time I feel like I wanna cry and/or scream. :-(
I just hate feeling this way and not knowing why :-(

Sorry about that - had to run off as my mum came home and she wouldn't have been impressed to see my on laptop all afternoon - now I've jus pretended to turn it on for first time today...
Also I had to sort my face out as I got a bit upset when I wrote my last post in my thread.... mmm red eyes - nice..

Handing Hells a huge pillow for her to thump, stamp on and throw accross the room as hard as she likes. Anger is beter out than it. By the way you are not being bitchy - you were just saying how you felt and we just wanted to tell you how we felt - more hugs xxx

It's so much easier when you know whats upsetting you - sorry you don't scream away in here - or you could ask to share the pillow that I just gave to hells. Wish I could help you hun xxx

You help more than you know... just by caring about me.
*gets all sentimental* Love ya Ma!!! (((hugs)))
Thanks for being my ma and caring about me when I don't care about myself.

That's what RYL mums are for - but I cared about you before I became your mum anyway - so it looks like your stuck with me caring. I have to go again in a minute but I will be back on tonight as soon as my mum falls asleep on the sofa - snore-snore...

Thanks Katch :-D Anger is deffo better out then in.

OK, not fair telling me I'm stuck... especially when that's part of what's distressing about this whole 'done' thing. Not that I'm 'done', I'm fine with that, but that I am 'done' and STUCK :crying:

F**k it all :crying:

Sorry, this is me, negative and useless

*retreats to her corner and hides under her blanket*

*snuggles Ally lots*

So - It looks like I said the wrong thing - and I am very sorry for that - But you have to look at the context I used the word Stuck and know that it was not meant in a bad way. You know I almost feel as if I shouldn't respond to posts becuase when they are taken the wrong way it makes both you (or whoever it is) and me feel like sh*t - I'm struggling too and it doesn't take much to make me hate myself even more. I don't want to stop replying but I think we all need to try and understand that words have slightly different meanings in different sentences - and unlike a lot of the world - people on here are not out to hurt each other - we all know how fragile our feelings are. Sorry if it sounds as though I having a nag - but I am REALLY upset to think that I have said the wrong thing to you - when it was said in a loving and caring comment.

I'm going to go for a long drive, maybe catch you later - Katch xx

(((hugs))) Ally

*snuggles Katch*

I'm not sure she meant it to be direceted at you hun. Okay if you're going a long drive- but please don't do anything daft yeah? *hugs some more*

Oh, no, Katch, the use of the word 'stuck' there had nothing to do with what you had said. It's just one of the words I've used to explain how I feel with this whole 'I'm done' thing but 'I'm still here'... Stuck. I must have said it at least half a dozen times to my therapist the other day. It's not that anyone has said anything to upset me, exactly... I just wish I wasn't stuck... and part of what has kept me around is worrying about what killing myself would do to others.... and I'm not making this any better :crying:... But it wasn't you, Katch Dear Auntie, it wasn't :crying: I'm sorry...

Here, let me try again:
(from my talk with Helen actually, who let me know I f**ked up)
'Stuck' is just one of my words. I am very particular with my word choice when it comes to things like this... my therapist has gotten good at using my 'out of sorts' 'lousy' 'awful' and 'beyond awful' lables for how I feel depression wise... usually when I put a word to something I stick with it. and that's the way 'stuck' is. I used it a lot the other day when I was talking to him (my therapist) about this whole 'I'm done' thing...

I'm so sorry it seems I did exactly what I said we shouldn't do - it's just coz I had only just said that word to you.
I have had a really emotional stupid crazy day and I am not feeling too wonderful about it all at the moment.
I am going to go for a long drive - shoot I'm on my mums computer and she is just coming in the drive - bye, love you all - lots of hugs xxxx and I really am sorry for getting upset - gotta go....

Be safe Katch. We care about you. *snuggles*

I hope you have a nice drive. No worries, I can understand why you might have gotten upset... it just made me feel bad that I had caused it... As Helen said in our MSN chat: when we're like this or whatever, it makes a simple misunderstand 100 times worse for you or whatever

SO totally right *sigh*

*massive hugs*

Hey guys, just wanted to say hi while i can get online!
And big hugs for everyone!!

Hate not being able to get online properly, all this stuff in my head that i need to sort out and feel like i'm getting nowhere fast. ugh sorry to be so negative. just don't want to be safe right now you know?

*offers Jo hugs*