Holy ****... being honest with friends sucks.
I need to finish this damn paper, I'm in the home stretch, but the anxiety is creeping up... I probably need to table it and sleep.
**** **** ****. why can't I just keep my damn feelings to myself instead of actually telling friends these things?

I'm so sorry Felicia! I've been feeling the same way recently. You can share anything with your friends here though. You're safe n loved here hun!

*hugs Solo* Thanks.
I just majorly upset my best real-life friend by telling her I'm not really accepting/coping with the fact she has to move *sigh*
I think I'm just gonna force myself to sleep soon, I'm getting nowhere with the last part of this paper...

I couldn't accept it when my best friend who I had worked closely with for 5 years took a job somewhere else. She wasn't even moving, we just don't work together anymore, but I was devestated! It's still hard! I understand. If the paper doesn't have to be done tomorrow, you need to sleep.

*Hugs Lia*

*Hugs Felicia*

*Hugs Jill*

*Hugs Solo*

Morning everyone, I havent been on here for a long time but I often think of you guys. How are you today?
*hugs*

*Hugs Youngatheart* Sorry I have forgotten your name but I do remember you :) :S How are you ?

Hey everyone,

I won't be around at all for a few days b/c I am out of town, so don't be concerned. I know i'm not here much but I thought I'd still let everyone here know just in case.

Stay safe.
*hugs*

Take care, Laura.

*Hugs Laura*

*Hugs Lindsay*

How are you girls?

hugs everyone

Take care Laura, how are you Lindsay and Mark?

Hi :) its ok Im always forgetting names too! Its Sam :) im ok today thanks, just off to take the kids to run around the beach, how are you?

oh that was for Mark sorry! lol
*hugs Lindsay and Laura and Louise too

*Hugs Louise*How are you hun?

*Hugs Sam*Sounds fun :)

I am preparing for the England-Scotland Match , al excited , I am at my parents to look after my Mum who has just had an op and I am looking after her tomorrow.

*Hugs everyone*

Yo yo.

Hope you enjoy your match Mark and thats so nice of you to look after your Mum, I hope she recovers soon.

*hugs* Lia, how are you?

introduction/problem
 

hi, i'm roseblack123 i am a friend of shad (aka shadow13)
she recomended me to join this and i have a feeling i won't regret it.:blush:
she told me to tell you my problem so here it goes.
i started noticing that i was changing late last year, i started wanting to pick up something sharp, when i first cut it was like a new sensation, i tried with scissors i stuck with them ever since. basically how this ALL started was by my dad, he wasn't abusive in some ways but he did "spend more time looking after his work than looking after his two children"
basically, he never took us out ANYWHERE i lived with him for about 10 years and we only been to 4 days out in the whole of the time, the rest was either, school, grandparents or visiting my mum. i dunno why but i looked up to my dad i thought he was the best guy i knew. well i was too young to understand fully about what he was doing, but when i got away from him i realised how my childhoodturned out, i never had a sleepover, never spent time with my friends only at school but then i was VERY lucky to have at least one person to hang around with.
anyway, i started living with mum and things started looking better, at home it was, by that time i started secondary school. for some reasons since i was a baby my confidence has ALWAYS been rock bottom, i never had the courage to take the first step, i always thought that they would reject me like the people did in primary school did (i forgot to say but i had to get extra help in primary school which made it kind of worse but better) in year 7 i had my first taste of real bullying. again i never realised what they were doing, until they kept doing it over and over, some people were making it worse, when we had to have "buddies" show us where we were meant to be for the lessons they used to talk about me, point and laugh. and i thought buddies were supposed to help, so that made my confidence fall even deeper, i stopped talking to people unless i could really trust them, i stopped talking out in class, and i was careful on what i said, all this in just the first 2 weeks of secondary school. things carried on, i used to come home crying my eyes out, nearly everyday, mum would just hug wait until i stopped crying and would just walk away, to either carry on watching TV or cook dinner. my confidence were that low i was afraid of speaking to my family members especially my brother, it was mainly the male side that i was scared to speak to, i had no idea why. 2 years later i was in year 9, bullying still carried on, i had help from teachers who tried to get them to stop but still carried on, new people started to join in, i had food thrown at me, physically abused, and just mentally tormented, i was still scared of the male side everywhere. the worst physical abuse i had was when in primary school i got a kid kicked out of breakfast club because he sat on my head, this was the first time i saw him since then, he had his cousin then and he kept calling and swearing at me. i thought it was weird so i just laughed at him, but they kept following me, asked me some questions i didn't want to answer, then all of a sudden they started to get closer. they kept pushing me, the cousin slapped me around the face, they found a ball and kicked it at me trying to hit me, luckily they had a very bad aim and kept missing. i went another way but they had to go another way, but as i was walking i could sense someone behind me i turned around and i was very close as the cousin nearly came to trip me up, i was so shaken up i started crying in the middle of the street shaking like mad. i rushed home making sure i stuck near the main road, i went home and told my mum, she rang the school they were in, i dunno what happened to them but ever since then i was terrified of going down the same path to get home, the only time i went down was if i was with other people.
at this time i had a new baby sister, i thought that my life would be worth it now since i had some oen else to look after.
until i moved away.
at the end of year 9 we decided to get a fresh start with my step dad down south, everything was fantastic, i shed a few tears with the friends i had, and on the 18th july we moved.
everything started out fantastic, i saw the school i was going to and the people were really nice. when i started the new school offically, it all started again. i swore that i would raise my confidence up to start small talk with new people, that didn't work. i was too scarred on my last home i must've thought that they were going to do the ame thing(which they did but not as bad). by that itme in year 10 i got used to the names,bullying etc and i learnt how to ignore it and i did, until i met him.
by him i mean my new best friends brother, i was at her birthday sleepover and i met him, he kept getting close to me, and he told his sister that he wanted to kiss me, this was my first time ever being kissed by a boy and this was the first male i could look at without feeling scared. things happened, i got called into the back garden where they were and he came to me and he kissed me, i didn't feel anyting special.. anyway 2 months past on and he changed. he started getting sexual, i was only 15 at the time, i told him i wanted to wait until i was at least 16 until i lost it, he accepted but he kept "forgetting" and kept stripping me, and he kept doing some sexua things but thankfully he never put it in. everytime i went down to the house he would always lock the door and start it again. it was so painful i had to back away the tears and bite on the cover to distract the pain, the bottom half would always be numb and whenever he felt satisied we would stop and i could feel my body screaming for joy that it was finally over. it happened quite a few times and i regretted not speaking out and telling him to stop there and then. i started getting minor bruises, but of course i was too scared to speak out to anybody. i broke up with him late september. after that the memories kept playing around in my head over and over, a few times i couldn't sleep, i cried myself to sleep but in the real world i learnt how to stay strong and learnt how to put the "mask" on. after a few months everything got out of control, everytime i had him in my memory my past kept leaking out, i started to cry silently to sleep, making sure my mum doesn't see me crying, then i started cutting. the feeling was good, it made me feel better, but the only problem was, the people in school kept talking about him and kept asking about him, i tried so hard to forget that memory but with the people asking about him, i went all time low in everywhere, i forgto to mention that earlier i have tried numerous ways to commit suicide, i tried overdosing,cutting, trying to get run over etc. i have a few help but i still try to find ways in to harming my self, i have had friends asking if i was fine, one of them suggested that i might be overly depressed,i thought of that and a few months later i took up the courage to tell my mum. but she just turned me down she said "you're not depressed its just a teenage thing which is normal" i felt so rejected i didn't know what to do with my self, i felt like crying out telling her all that i put on here, so ever since i tried drpping small hints while wearing the mask all the time. i didn't want to feel even more rejected than i do now. also i am still scared of the male species especially after my first ever boyfriend. i am just hoping that someone would notice and would tell my mum.
i also have dreams that set me off as well, but the most weird one that i keep having is me doing a dance, its the same scene over and over, it looked dark and gloomy but at the same time it looked peaceful and quiet.
i think this is all,
thank you for reading
blessed be
:blush:
roseblack123.

Hey Roseblack, you won't be rejected here and you certainly won't regret it. We're awesome :)

*Hugs Sam*

I was alright. Up until dinner. I can't be here for over another year. I love my school but I wish I could go to uni tomorrow and I don't give a **** if it's the only uni that will take me, I am not going to Caterbury, it's way too close. If that happens, then I go to college and get more qualifications somewhere equally far away. Why do they think it's funny to push me closer to the edge every day? Would they think it was funny if I actually did it? Probably.

I want to cut myself to prove they cannot hurt my any more than I can hurt myself.

hugs everybody, curls up

Hey y'all, I'm back :')
 

So, hopefully you've all read my friend's - roseblack123 - story. As most of you know (if not the post is on my thread) I do actually blame myself for that certain part of her story. And you all know how hard those days were for me, especially because I was trying to recover at the time.
As y'all know I'm with child and mental health services now. But, unfortunatly, I haven't told my psychologist anything about cutting. He is however proberly making some very good guesses in his head. I just stick to my bullying stories and the like.
On that note, I'd like my fellow wardies to help rose like you helped me. I know it was a bit different with me becuase I didn't really tell you much of anything about my personal life story unlike rose - whom I told to tell you. Hopefully, this will help you help her.

Now, although I feel I don't deserve to tell you, a bit about whats gonig on with me:

I haven't cut in a VERY long time but the urge is right there. Everyday. Waiting. A voice in the back of my head near every sharp object. Every 'instrument' that could be used that I pick up... Everwhere.
My nightmares aren't really stopping, I'm just trying to think about the darkness less but when I have a little time to think, the nothingness is back. Haunting me.

I hope you're all well.
:')

In addition: unfortunatly - rose will now find out more about me. Including stuff I've left out about feeling responsible for what happened during August-September.
Also, my hair loss (Alopecia areata) has not improved. It has, in fact, gotten worse. I have had to (again) re-part my hair.
The only good thing I can tell you is that I got accepted into Stafford College. My placement is final.

Lia huney, please don't cut over those idiots! You know it wouldn't accomplish what you want it too n you don't need to prove it to yourself. Don't give them that power over you! You're better and stronger than that!

~Hugs Jill, Rose & Shad~

Welcome Rose! I hope you find the support and friendship you're looking for here. This place is full of wonderful people who really do understand and care!

thanks for the hug, I needed it :')

*Cuddles everyone*
I cannot beleive I dropped my phone in the river today -.-

well. THAT isn't very good. :s

What isn't very good?

~Hugs Charlie~ I think she meant that droppin your phone in the river isn't very good.

Your welcome Shad! Anytime hun! You ok?

Oh right yeah, sorry, half asleep XD
Yeah, not the best idea i've ever had -.- lol

*Hugs Solo, Jill and Shad*

I'm sorry you're struggling a bit Shad, but you're doing really well with the cutting and well done on getting into college :)

I haven't Solo :) I distracted myself with English, psychology and more English homework. I haven't cut in almost 5 months (it will be 5 next Sunday) and I'll be darned if I'm letting them change that.

How's everyone else?

*Hugs Everyone*
I'm really sorry I typed out individual but lost them and don't have the energy to re do them I hope this group hug is okay for tonight:)

*Cuddles Lia* Yay, nearly 5 months is amazing.
I just realised that I'm 20 days free. :)

Great job Charlie!

You go Lia! I'm so proud of you for not letting them break your streak or your spirit!

I'm 18 days free from cutting! You girls have got a lead on me, but I'm on your heals Charlie.

A group hug is great Mark!

18 Days is amazing too, only 2 days behind me :) We can do this!
*Group hugs*
I love group hugs Mark :)

*Joins in group hug*

Thanks Solo :)

And well done Charlie, you're doing really well with this.

~Group hugs~ Thanks Charlie! You're right hun. We can do this! Having all this support really helps!

Yeah, it's nice to have other people around you who understand and stuff :)

There are times when ryl is the only support I have. You guys have helped keep me safe, at times without even knowing it.

*Cuddles* Well i'm glad we could help, and I know exactly how you feel, this site has helped me so much :)

You guys are all doing amazing , Something great is what you have acheived , I'm muddleing this post , sorry , I wish I ddn't feel the need to self destuct every single day :S

Well I don't really do moments like this but since everyone else is already having a hug and love, for once, I will join in. I love you guys. It's nice to know I can come here and tell you all what's going on even if I chose not to.

*Joins in second group hug of the day*

Dropping your phone is yuk! Ive done it :(
lia ~ plase dont cut darling

Hi t anyone I dont know. I will read your storeis tomorrow but wanted to say hi!

*Night Time Hugs my wardies*
You are ALL awesome :)

And on another note. It doesnt matter how much time I spend away, you guys always make me feel welcome. I love youxx

well the upside to this phone is that it lets me come on here, my old one never let me

I can come here on Merlin, but it's tedious as it's not in mobile version so I'd rather use Nessa, but it's useful for when I don't have her.

I haven't Sam :) I have an imaginary person called Sam.

erm......? Lol

Im glad Lia. and I hope your friend is nice! Im female is your friend female or male?

I know you are :) She's female. By 'imaginary person' I sort of mean like imaginary friend but not. It gets lonely in my world, I don't tend to open up to people so I invent people in my head. I know they aren't real (although they are often based on real people) and they aren't imaginary friends exactly because I don't like, imaging they're here. More imagine I'm there, if I'm bored, upset or I just want to forget I will cast my mind there adn one of those places is with a woman called Sam.