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-   -   Virtual Psych ward! (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1312)

Doikers 02-07-2010 09:28 AM

I Am away at my parents for my dads birthday from tonight to early next week so may not be online as often , I am dreading it , wearing the happy mask for so long but I mustn't bring the mood down on my dads birthday weekend. *Puts on happy mask*

I am tired despite spending much of yesterday in bed *Sigh* HO HUM

Got all pysched up for my Houseing SW appointment at 10am only at 10am did I notice it was at 11am :S

Ask after my Diaz at the chemist as I was down there yesterday chasing another med they didn't have in stock and it (Diaz) was on the computer so they gave me some and I got it home and opened it and they gave me 28 instead of 20 . first thing to make make me laugh in a while.


My poor plant suffered in the weather last night , it's supposed to be tall but has flopped , I hav 3 plants in my "Garden" ( Read plant pot) and 2 are ok but one has flopped right over , any gardeners know what I should do? does it need a cane ?, it's a PHYSOSTEGIA

Kahlia1981 02-07-2010 10:28 AM

heather, mark: thank-you.
i hate to disagree, but i really feel like one right now.
i just can't escape this anxiety.

my housemate and i walked the 2.5 km up to the nearest big shopping centre today and it took 3 mg of xanax and i'm still freaking. i'm still freaking now and it's over 3 hours later. i just can't stop the anxiety.

our neighbour came over and i had to walk away from the conversation because it was triggering me in every way - and it was just little "small talk". not even numbers or anything. just .... i don't know.

maybe just because it was getting darker and is now dark - and the neighbour is "the least tolerant person in the city".

i am such a failure . . .

MammaMia 02-07-2010 10:58 AM

Kahlia, you are NOT a failure. *cuddles tight*

*cuddles everyone else lots*

wolfos3d 02-07-2010 11:20 AM

I can stop feeling like this, right? I don't have to be stuck like this forever, do I? *curls up in a ball*

Doikers 02-07-2010 11:55 AM

*Hugs Kahlia*

*Hugs Helen*

*Hugs Jessica*

wolfos3d 02-07-2010 12:03 PM

*hugs Mark* Thank you.

shadowedsoul 02-07-2010 12:23 PM

runs In and craps a blanket and curls up under it. Feel very unsafe again, damn it I hate feeling this way. Hate that I really want to die need to get away can do this anymore.

Doikers 02-07-2010 12:38 PM

*Holds Jill so she feels safe*

shadowedsoul 02-07-2010 01:32 PM

Clings to mark, sorry just feel like ****. can this be over now please?

PoisonedApple 02-07-2010 04:44 PM

Sorry for just disappearing yesterday... And I apologize in advance that I may vanish again today. I just fell crappy.
*hugs everyone*

PoisonedApple 02-07-2010 05:34 PM

*sits and cries*

Scarletdreamer 02-07-2010 05:39 PM

hi everyone... let's see if i can do individual replies, sorry if i don't get all of you...

*cuddles laura* venting is just fine, sweetie. i'm sorry about the awkward situation, it must've been awfully unpleasant and i don't blame you for feeling icky about it. :( how are you doing today?? have you kinda-sorta stayed safe?

*cuddles hels* how're you? did the anxiety finally die down some last night after i logged off?

*cuddles kahlia* sweetie, you're not a failure, in no way close to being a failure. try to tell yourself that. you've come so far, you're improving in small ways even if it seems like you're on a downward spiral right now. you may be - but it's an upward trend. if that makes any sense, that is!! :-S i hope that it does...

*cuddles mark* i hope that the weekend etc. goes okay... how's your mum doing? also, yes, keeping the happy face mask on that long can be very tiring... i hope you don't get too stresed & anxious doing that. please try & stay safe... will be thinking of you, big bro. ♥

*cuddles julie* hels is right, love, you don't have to exercise every day. have you been ill? missed seeing you on the ward for a bit...

*cuddles jess* things will get better, i promise. i just don't know when or how but they will. so no, you don't have to stay like this forever. you'll get better, you'll get stronger, you'll be able to face more. how have you been doing lately?

*cuddles jill* i'm sorry you're feeling so ****... i would help if i could. *offers a shoulder to cry on or a pillow to punch, either way* :) hopefully either one of those would help, or both... pm me if you need to, 'kay? i know i'm not the best at responding to messages but i will try. that goes for all of you, btw, including those to whom i haven't responded yet, or who haven't posted in awhile. my pm box is always, always open. :)

*cuddles crimson* i'm sorry you're feeling crappy. is there anything that we can do??

*cuddles hayley* you can come here when you feel "sane" ... hehe, it doesn't just have to be when you feel like you need a safe place. we miss you when you're not here. but if you have to stay away when you're sane, that's okay too. do what's best for you. :) how is wow going? have you played much lately?

*cuddles oliver, nicole, lia, kat, jk, and anyone else she's missed*

geez, i hope that was epic enough. lol. my brain is dead now. :P but i love you guys and really wanted to reply to you all... or most of you, anyway. :( sorry if i missed you.

i'm doing alright. am at my parents' house but will be leaving in a bit to take daniel to the vet's. gahhh. jarrod's not planning on coming so i get to do it all by myself... which i've done before, kind of. at least we have a handy carry-case for him... it has a top that opens, which is really, really nice, much easier than stuffing him in the front door of the case. hah. cats can really be stubborn about going into carry-cases!! i would just take him on his halter and lead but i don't want him crawling all over my car when i'm driving... that would be fun... NOT. heh.

my druid on silvermoon (naturasoul if you want to look her up on wowarmory.com) is now level 50!!! woohoo... only 8 levels until outlands (the 1st expansion for wow)... i am stoked. once my raf (refer a friend) priest hits level 60, she'll be granting levels to some of my other toons so they can get to higher levels... so soon i will have a bunch of level 60s. :D i'm stoked. jarrod's been powerleveling them today, a lot, so that makes me really happy. :P

anyway. ummm... i'm not doing too well but i don't really feel like going into that now... because i'm feeling okay as long as i don't think about certain things. if i think about them, i immediately start feeling really, really low... so yeah. :'(

*hides in her corner*

PoisonedApple 02-07-2010 06:00 PM


*cuddles crimson* i'm sorry you're feeling crappy. is there anything that we can do??
Not really. Just feeling so... i dunno, I can;t even pinpoint it, just too much. Today every little thing seems to push me right over the edge. For example, my boss complained about my pants today (not even in person, via email) and I started to cry. Not even exaggerating. I feel ridiculous and stupid. And I feel like it isn't even worth it at all to be today.

Doikers 02-07-2010 07:56 PM

April , My mum is pretty much imobilised with her leg , gotta wait 4 more weeks until her next hospital appoinment. I'm afraid I might not be able to keep up with your LJ while at my parents , gosh it's hectic here with mums injury and baby and all .
I feel low , Happy mask well and truely on mainly faking it which sucks
BTW that last post on yours was EPIC April
Sorry I feel guilty for feeling low , anyone else get that?

PoisonedApple 02-07-2010 07:58 PM

PoisonedApple 02-07-2010 08:01 PM


April , My mum is pretty much imobilised with her leg , gotta wait 4 more weeks until her next hospital appoinment. I'm afraid I might not be able to keep up with your LJ while at my parents , gosh it's hectic here with mums injury and baby and all .
I feel low , Happy mask well and truely on mainly faking it which sucks
BTW that last post on yours was EPIC April
Sorry I feel guilty for feeling low , anyone else get that?
I hope your hectic weekend goes well and you get a bit of real happiness over the weekend, Mark.
And I agree it was epic April.
Yeah I get that Mark.
*sorry for the impersonal feel of this post but its the best I can do and I really wanted to reply.
*hugs everyone and hides*

CrazyHayley 02-07-2010 08:06 PM

Hey guys, I so need to do a journal entry but I'm scared to let the thoughts out. Its like I'm not as sane as I'm meant to be. Thats more why I've not been in here recently, because here I know I can tell the truth and not be judged, but I'm scared to admit it. I'm not irrational and having random thoughts like with the PMDD, thats all under control, but my ED has got worse and just a general feeling of dread and being low. So as Mark says I put on a happy mask. I've just got to hold out til Eoghan deploys to afghan and then I can go to the doctors for some more help, but I need him to believe that I'm ok, that I'm stronger than before. Gosh, I've started waffling sorry....

Oh and feeling extra **** as a friend of ours was killed by a suicide bomber in afghan this morning. He leaves behind his wife and baby daughter who isn't even 1 yet. Why do bad things always happen to good people?!

PoisonedApple 02-07-2010 08:16 PM

*cuddles Hayley* I'm so sorry about your friend. I hope when Eoghan deploys that he stays safe. My brother in law is headed over there in a few weeks too. I totally understand wanting him to be safe by not worrying about you.
We're here if you ever want to let anything out so you don't have to hold it all in. How long until Eoghan deploys/you get to go see your doctor? *extra cuddles for you and your friend's family*

SoMuchMore 02-07-2010 08:23 PM

*hugs crimson* I'm sorry that you are feeling so crappy. Thanks for trying to keep replying. Let us know if we can do anything. O by the way, that piano song is very pretty.

*hugs mark* happy masks can be so draining. Sorry that you have to put one up for so long. And yes, sometimes I feel guilty for being depressed or feeling crappy. Mainly b/c I'll feel like I have no real reason to feel like this in comparison to others and that I might bring other people down with my thoughts. But you should not feel guilty (and neither should I for that matter). It is not your fault that you feel like this.

*hugs april* good luck with your cat and the vet. and I agree, that response was awesome of you! So long lol.
I um... did not stay safe. *points to r/v thread* (http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum...58#post2381758) I won't put anything in here since it could be kinda triggering. But there is a little bit in the thread. It's okay if you don't want to read.

*hugs jill* hope you managed to stay safe hun. Let us know if there is anything we can do to help.

*hugs helen* I hope your anxiety went down at least a little bit. Hope you are okay today.

*hugs kahlia* you are NOT a failure hun. I'm sorry that your anxiety is so bad and that not even meds are helping. That sounds so awful. Can you talk to a doctor or something? B/c it seems like the anxiety has been like this for a few days now.

*hugs hayley* i'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I don't know why bad things always seem to happen to good people... I wish i had an explanation for that one. I hope that Eoghan stays safe when he is deployed, and that when you get to see the doctor they are helpful. We are always here if you need to talk about anything. You know that though.

I might just hide away today. Stay in my apartment, not do anything. I didn't even get out of bed until almost noon. I just want to shut down. Arm hurts really bad too. I'm an idiot.

PoisonedApple 02-07-2010 08:36 PM


*hugs crimson* I'm sorry that you are feeling so crappy. Thanks for trying to keep replying. Let us know if we can do anything. O by the way, that piano song is very pretty.
*nods to all* I dunno if I'll keep trying to reply today though. It feels too... not me and cold or vacant when I read them before I post them. At least I'm not crying over every little thing right now though.
I like that one best so far (just found this composer yesterday).

CrazyHayley 02-07-2010 08:37 PM

Did my journal entry, not feeling any better for it though, really need a fag now so I need to get reggie in his hutch so that he doesn't do anymore major damage to the carpet whilst I'm out of the room!!

Thanks for the support guys. I've got Eoghan for approx another 3months. I keep trying to enjoy the present and forget about what's up ahead, but when we get news like this it makes it all very real and very scary.

aha! reggie just jumped in his hutch to get some hay - gotcha!!

*pops out to the smoking shelter*

CrazyHayley 02-07-2010 08:53 PM

*sprays self with pretty smelling stuff so as to not smell of fags*

I've just realised I've been a really self absorbed wardie....*group huggles!!!!*

Sorry I've not got more than that for you all right now.

PoisonedApple 02-07-2010 08:56 PM

lol well you have missed quite a few pages of posts we wouldn't expect you to be all caught up and up to date.

CrazyHayley 02-07-2010 09:00 PM

thanks for being understanding, I'm just not feeling up to my previous efforts of catching up when I've read 20 or so pages.

Think I'm going to take my meds early and call it a night. I just want my head to stop having bad thoughts. Tomorrow will be - apart from the 1slip up in may that only you guys in here know about - 1year SI free. Everyone is so proud of me, thinking I'm fixed now, urgh....

*extra huggles for everyone who wants them*
*friendly waves to the other wardies*

SoMuchMore 02-07-2010 09:03 PM

*cuddles hayley and throws a ton of confetti in preparation for her 1 year celebration* A year is so awesome hun. I know its hard when people just assume you are fixed because it is not that simple, but you really should celebrate 1 year. I am so proud of you!

*hugs crimson just because I can*

PoisonedApple 02-07-2010 09:43 PM

*takes hugs and clings to Laura and Hayley*
can we stop the roller coaster? I want to get off. please?

SoMuchMore 02-07-2010 10:46 PM

*cuddles crimson* i'm sorry hun. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better... but everything that is coming to mind sounds stupid or cliche/unhelpful. Here for you though if you need to talk.

Scarletdreamer 02-07-2010 10:57 PM

i spy laura!! *cuddles* read your r/v and don't have words at the moment, but just *extra special healing cuddles*

i'm a wreck. :'( updated my r/v and uncovered some feelings i never wanted to admit to having... :( ...because it feels/felt weak.

i really want to cut now. cut badly. i don't care what my treatment team thinks, i just want to hurt myself and do so badly. :crying:

PoisonedApple 02-07-2010 11:13 PM

*cuddles April*

SoMuchMore 02-07-2010 11:16 PM

*extra special hugs april* okay, so i was going to respond to your r/v thread... and it turned out really long... like several paragraphs... so i think i'll just PM it to you instead. Otherwise i feel like I will really be monopolizing the ward lol. On here i will just say. While I know res is a scary thought, you would not be "losing" yourself or coming back a different person. It could help you be less low and more in control though... and that is all good isn't it? Nobody would be "taking away" your illnesses or experiences.

MammaMia 02-07-2010 11:59 PM

April, Laura, my anxiety did die last night. Well went down a massive lot. It's been away most of the day but it came back a bit this evening.

Wish the suicide thoughts would go away, starting to get scared I'll act on them. Not suicidal as of yet, scared that'll happen. I'm constantly trying to hold things in, I know, not good. But I struggle to open up right now, no idea why....

*offers cuddles to all*

wildly insane 03-07-2010 12:46 AM

huggles for everyone and really hope all the crappiness goes away. I wish I had a magic wand that made everyone feel better.

*hugs hayley* hang in there my lovely your posts always make me feel like a special breeze has wafted through the room. A year, yay, that's awesome :)

*hugs Kahlia* sorry you're feeling so low, keep fighting, keep fighting, you're not a failure in any way shape or form

*hugs Helen* sometimes we can't open up because we're fighting so hard, don't let it worry you, glad the anxiety dies a bit

*hugs Laura* if you ever feel like talking you know you can here, and you're not an idiot, nope you're not

*hugs Crimson* I hope tomorrow you don't feel so bad

*hugs april* I hope you didn't cut hun, stay safe *cuddles*

*hugs Mark* I hope the happy face doesn't drain you too much, remember you can always tell the truth here. You're PHYSOSTEGIA - plants usually flop if they've (a) had too much water (b) had too little water. If you've got it in direct sunlight which apparently they like then it probably needs more water in this weather. Also if it's potted have you been feeding it with plant food like babybio every two weeks, would probably do it good

*hugs Jessica* and how are you?

*hugs Jill* you can do this, yes you can

*hugs Heather* hope you are doing ok

*hugs Julie* don't hide *cuddles*

*hugs Kat* how are you today

*hugs JK* hope you are okay too

*hugs Oliver* sorry I can't offer more, all I will say is that I'm sure that being there for her is helping her more than you will ever know.

*hugs Nicole**hugs Louise**hugs Lia**hugs Lindsay*

and I'm so sorry if I've forgotten you but I send you hugs anyway

I'm okay, tired, need to go to bed.

I ordered some camouflage cream from Amazon but I had to put it on my credit card which I share with my mum because mine is maxed out due to having to pay for my car to be fixed and I needed it to arrive before Wednesday and she's always so nosey, I wonder if I can get away with saying "oh it's just something for the wedding" - 10 days with my family I'm going to feel so unpretty. I really would cut before I go just to keep me going but I can't because it would be too obvious and my sensible head is still loudest. That and I'm supposed to be trying to live with wanting to but not giving in, if that makes sense.

I feel fat and unpretty :(

shadowedsoul 03-07-2010 01:04 AM

thanks laura, mark April Wildy insane, I'm manging to stay safe so far. This is going to sound stupid. Erm I keep having this weird dream,in this dream I do what I want to do to myself. And it works and I can feel myself slip away, and for the first time I feel peacefull, im in no pain everthings okay. Then I wake up and relied it was just a dream and I'm still here. Sorry just had enough, and I can't keep these thoughts at bay I want to act on them, just can't if that makes sence

wildly insane 03-07-2010 01:17 AM

It doesn't sounds stupid at all, but the dream isn't real and the thoughts are lies, and I'm glad you can't act on them because it means you still want to live even if you don't think you do, you are still fighting, you can keep fighting, ignoring those lies you can be at peace and happy and without pain in real life, no other way. Dreams are interesting, you feel peaceful and without pain in your dream, maybe that's you're body's way of giving you a break, to give you strength to carry on fighting? take care, stay safe

wolfos3d 03-07-2010 04:51 AM

*waves* I'm okay I spose. Pretty much lost the will to do anything though. I've spent countless hours just lying on my bed. I haven't SI'd in over a week now. I'm not entirely sure how I made it through last night without it happening. I'm starting to wonder if not doing it is making things worse.

*hugs to everyone* Sorry for not being very supportive.

xxjuliexx 03-07-2010 05:37 AM

-sits rubbing tummy sighs- icky girl stuff:sad:

Doikers 03-07-2010 09:48 AM

*Hugs Hayley * I'm sorry to hear about your friend:(
Congratulations on your one year S.I. free though Hayley:)

Hmm I can't keep individual replies in my head long enough to type them , it took 3 attemps to type that last sentence grr.

Hmmm no privacy here , gtg stay safe everyone.

EDIT:- Oops my Dad just came periously close to catching me on here , and I don't know , this is kinda private between you guys and me , thanks for the plant advice Hannah , I water it tons so maybe thats it . It is hard hiding my internet activity , I can't just say "I'm on a self injury support site" , I don't want to upset people , I'm not sure if they even know I still do it

MammaMia 03-07-2010 12:42 PM

*cuddles all*

Kahlia1981 03-07-2010 12:55 PM

*leaves hugs and cuddles for all who can take and accept them and safe love and care packages for anyone who wants them*

i'm sorry, but that's all i'm good for at the moment

MammaMia 03-07-2010 01:09 PM

We love you Kahlia, it's okay sweetie *cuddles tight*

Kahlia1981 03-07-2010 01:40 PM

thanks Hels. *cuddles in tightly and starts crying* so sick of feeling like this - anxiety/urges/depression

MammaMia 03-07-2010 01:54 PM

I know sweetie, I can't blame you *cuddles tightly and cries with you* It will get better sweetheart.

I'mJustMe 03-07-2010 02:41 PM

Hey guys. I only read the last page of stuff as I haven't been on in a few days.

Jess- Really good that you haven't in over a week, you are stronger than you think and it can feel as if things are worse not doing it, but in the long run, it's going to set you free and make things so much better.

Julie- Same :/

*Hugs Kahlia*- I know. I am too, but you have to keep on fighting it. If you've lived this long, there's got to be something your holding on for. Think of that.

*Hugs to anyone else who wants them.*

wolfos3d 03-07-2010 03:25 PM


Originally Posted by I'mJustMe (Post 2383641)
Jess- Really good that you haven't in over a week, you are stronger than you think and it can feel as if things are worse not doing it, but in the long run, it's going to set you free and make things so much better.

Thanks Lia. I'm currently bribing myself to go a month with the ice skates I want. It's going to be a very hard month but I know it will be worth it in the long run.

*leaves a box of hugs and plush toys*

one_step_closer 03-07-2010 04:45 PM

Hello everyone, I haven't been here for a while. How's things?

I'mJustMe 03-07-2010 04:48 PM

****. What about you?

Doikers 03-07-2010 08:02 PM

oops I let the happy mask slip for one breif moment, said I was tired at 7.30pm and all I got was "you haven't done anything all day ! you need a good long walk" from my Mother. I feel I can't let anyone in , they'll just dimiss me like my mother.

I need to cut cut cut but I can't not here :(

Sorry I sound like a petulant child

*Remind self* , Low inside , Smile outside

nicole94 03-07-2010 08:33 PM


Doikers 03-07-2010 08:42 PM

Hi Nicole :) *Hugs*

MammaMia 03-07-2010 08:47 PM

*sits with Nicole*

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