*huggles/waves at all*

Sorry I've been so quiet. I've sort of snuck in and read but left before writing.
Just not feeling crash hot - getting worse again. Freaking out lots.
Went down the beach with my housemate yesterday - with the help of 4mg of Xanax, and chewing gum. *sigh*

So.damn.over.it.all.

Gahhh, it's nearly 11:30pm here and I'm not in bed yet, gonna be sorry for it tomorrow I'm afraid!!

*sigh* Rooted was okay, I don't know, didn't really get much spiritually out of it. Then Jarrod talked with me about how he's been feeling and it's kind of a catch-22 that I don't know how to fix. I feel so useless when it comes to that. And he told me that frankly, my "empathy isn't good."

That's not good when you're speaking to a future therapist. :-S I'm scared/worried now... :'(

*hides in a hole, deep & dark & far away from anyone she might hurt*

I can't take it anymore...the loneliness and emptyness are killing me, little by little, which makes things even worse...it's neverending...all I need is a human contact, that's all :(

Triggered tonight.... Can't keep up with anything.

*sits* to many posts to read right now sorry
*sets out jars and boxes of hugs*

*Group hugs*

April, Good luck today at Church :)

Oliver , It's good that Alex's Dad seems to be coming around , maybe he just needed a little bit of time.

Laura , Good luck breaking up with that person , I hope neither of you is too hurt by it .

April , Laura and Lia , I hope your anxiety doesen't / Didn't get too bad

I'm lonely, not just because I live alone , have only 2 friends IRL only one I meet with on a semi regular basis . It just seems that everyone is coupled off , I mean I visited my Parents and theys have each other and my sister and Bro in law were there and they have each other and I found out when I ran into an old catering college friend that she was STILL with her BF after 12 years (And baby) and 2 other college people I knew were Married / involved . I'm alone . My Nurse is referring me to a befriending service for people with serious mental health issues ( Not sure I qualify but hey ) and I am so nervous about it , she is coming with me though which is super nice of her .

Does this make me jealous ? or just petty? I'm also acutley aware that my online Lil Sis April is Married and Hayley and Crimson and Oliver , all in couples hmmm I think it does make me jeolous , sorry .

No sorries, Mark, you're allowed to express how you feel. *gentle cuddles* I am sorry that you feel that way, though - I remember when I was single etc. and I hated seeing people in couples. I wish I could do something to make it better, in any way/shape/form possible. :( Don't have any more advice though, but I hope that me talking about Jarrod etc. doesn't make you upset... if it does, I'll try to stop, at least some of it. *extra special hugs*

It's all alone in here again. And I'm exhausted, even though I just woke up a bit ago. :( Stupid not sleeping well!! I had weird dreams again...

*hides in a hole & pretends that it all doesn't matter*

Hey April *Spots* You talking about Jarrod and you doesn't bother me , being alone bothers me , You don't have to stop speaking about you guys *Hugs*

*Spots and Hugs Tineke*

*waves at peoples* hi.

Pomeranian: thank you for doing that, really sweet.


Lia: I'm terrified. I cant cope. It's all going so wrong *cries*


april: thank you for your prayers sweetie, I apprieciate them. I'll talk to the consultant tuesday..even though i'm petrified of doing so incase I loose Hazel. *stores hugs in a pretty bag for later as not feeling right just now*

Mark: it doesn't make you jealous or petty, just normal.


*curls up in a tight ball and continues to shake and cry*

Hey Guys. I've not been doing as much replying lately and I'm sorry about that. I am going to do one of my replies of epic proportions now.

April- I hope you managed to get some sleep last night and your anxiety didn't go into overdrive or make you do anything stupid. How are you doing having given up the blades? Remeber it was a huge step, and you're bound to have urges and want them back. I've tried to give up my blades on more than one occasion and know how lost you can feel without them. Persoanally, I don't think there is anything wrong with your ability to emphathise. You've been in so many situations yourself, and it can be hard to think of something to say on the spot. It's ok for me behind a screen because I can think about answers. I don't often have to, but I do sometimes pause and think, or say I don't have a lot of advice. Not everyone can relate to every situation and there will be times you have no idea how to help. The main thing is you'll listen and at least try to be of some help. I'm sorry you're not sleeping well either. I had weird dreams last night too, but they weren't scary. They should have been, but they weren't. Maybe you could try sleeping pills or something? Reading something nice before bed can also help. Something childish. Like Winnie the Pooh, it may sound stupid, but I do sometimes when I'm scared or depressed. It can make you feel better and it's hard to have nightmares when Tigger and Roo are bouncing around in your head. I have rambled for like, ever. I should stop now and move on, but I found I had a lot to say. And one more thing, you can post here whenever and whatever you like. If Mark's cool with you talking about Jerrod, carry on. We're all her for support, not to restrict you in what you can and can't say.

Laura- I know you were anxious and having difficultly last night. How are you now? Did you manage to sleep alright? I hope you had an ok night and didn't give into any urges you might have had. You're not here right now, but you're in my thoughts.

Oliver- It's great that Alex's dad is being nicer and seeminly more accepting. It is a hard thing to accept about those you are close to, particuarly when you had no idea before hand. Some parents think they should have seen it and almost feel as if they 'failed' although there is absolutly nothing wrong with being gay. I'm gay. I know my mum wouldn't accept it either. She's told me should wouldn't want 'someone like that' in the family. Anyway, you have as much right to struggle as everyone else and don't have to push that down because Alex is too. Yes, you can support him as much as he needs it, but I know he would much rather you told him how you were feeling than followed throught with urges. You are also always welcome on here, no one's ever going to tell you you're being stupid or don't deserve the support because we all do.

Kahlia- However hard it was, and however much help you needed, the point is you did it. You went to the beach and managed not to freak out too much and that is a really big step. You need to stop beating youself up about being afriad. I'm going to have a cheesy moment now, but that is what makes courage. If you're not afraid, then it's not brave. It's only brave if you're scared because you go ahead and do it anyway, which shows strength far more than fearing nothing. If someone was scared of spiders, it would be brave of them to get rid of a massive hairy one in thier bedroom, much more so than it would be of someone who didn't mind them to do it. *Hugs*

Michelle-. Don't give up. No matter how hard it might seem, there's always something worth living for. I can't be there with you in person, but I can in cyberspace and you can always come here or PM me and I would be happy to reply and be there for you however I could. I know what it's like to be so lonely you feel no one would care if you were to just end it all and that is one of the most horrible feelings in the world. You're not alone though, all of us here and on RYL in general are all here for you and you can always vent here. Someone will always be around for support. *Extra hard hugs and hands teddy bear so you don't feel so alone*.

Felica- I hope you managed to resit the urges. There's no shame in having them, or even giving into them. We all here know how that feels. Do you know what it was that triggered you? It can help to get that out and be useful in resisting the urges. *Hugs gently*

Hey Juile, how you doing? I hope things are alright your end of cyber space. Don't worry about lack of replies, this is my first proper reply in ages.

Mark- You can always post how you feel here and nothing that makes you feel bad is petty. I know you feel lonely, but perhaps you'll be able to meet someone on this service thing. You have us on here in the meantime and maybe you could call the friends you do have and ask them if they wanna meet up. Make them come over and do whatever it is guys do if you're not up to going out. Either way, it has to beat being at home and lonely struggling to resist urges. *Hugs*

Oh, well that's everyone. Eveyone that posted today anyhow.

*Hugs to all others who want them*

Love you guys.

xx

Oh hello Kat and Jess, only read your posts after I posted my reply.

Kat- What's the matter? I know how it feels right now, but you can cope. You can get through this, you're much stronger than you think. What is it that made you feel this way? It may help to get it off your chest and no one here is going to judge you. Is touching ok? If not, I'll just hand you an imaginary cyberspace tissue.

*Waves back at Jess* Hey. How are you today sweet?

xx

Curls up, today is going from bad to worse why the hell did I give a guy from work my number. Stuiped really stuiped =(

*Waves back at Jessica* :) How are you doing?

*Hugs Lia* Wowsers EPIC reply .

*Hugs Jill* whats going on Jill ?

*Hugs Kat* Good luck at the Dr on Tuesday :)

Hmm gave a guy at work my phone number keep getting very weird txt messages, making me feel very uncomfortable. My own fault tho. =(

I relapsed again last night :( *curls up into a dark corner and cries in shame*

*Hugs Jill* Are these texts at all inapropriate? Could you ask him to stop sending you messages ?

*Hugs Hope.is.overated* There is no shame in slipping up , I know how hard it is , but you can get though this :)

*hugs everyone*

I'm so scared about what the men in my head are going to do to me and no one is taking me seriously.

Hugs everybody.
Mark yeah all the Txts are inaporate, have asked but he thinks it's funny =(.my mum seams to think that being on here and other sites are killing me, I really can't win