Please take care of yourself, Jo. *warm hugs* xx

Ally, I love you. I'm sorry but I do because you are my American equivalent lol...I have similar paper issues with a huge one due Friday am that I can't do as well as exams and another essay. Ah well....wanna drink wine? xx

Jo, could you not maybe give them the blade? I know it's hard but they will just keep you in for longer if you keep SIing hun. Please be careful xxx

*hugs Zowie* I'm sorry you broke your month free hun. Hope you aren't doing too bad and Beth is behaving herself a bit. Sounds like you had a really rough day x

*hugs Helen* Keep going, your mum means well even if it is a pain in the arse at times. Yay for new clothes though!

*Chhhllllooooeeee? Jeremy? Alexx? Callie? Amanda? Auburn? Susan? How are you all doing?

Has anyone heard from Katey-Lou recently btw? *leaves hugs for people*

I know i should give them the blade but i know i'm not going to, i really need this, i can't explain any other way but its been building and i neeeed to do it. I'm hoping they wont find out.

Good luck with all your work, i don't miss essays at ALL!

Jo hunni how did you manage to get a razor in hospital? Sweetie you don't need to cut... It doesn't help hun, as a matter of fact it makes it worse... I know you know that *snuggles*

*snuggles anyone that needs/wants it before returning to her futile attempt at finishing her papers*

**** me

I think she's been admitted. Last time I spoke to her, the Crisis Team were trying to find her a bed in a ward

I know she means well hehe :P But yeah its well annoying at times >_< *hugs*

I totally understand Jo hun *hugs*

does anyone mind if i just cry in the corner.... life sucks :( x

*hugs Emma* ah, wish I could (I do have a bit left in the refrigerator)... Think I'll just have to make due witha little cutting before I burry my nose in another book. *sigh* oops... Should probably email my therapist too... ****
Take care, Emma luv, good luck with your course work.

Ahhh should I be doing this

I have just had the biggest mood crash I think I've had in well over a year. I knew it was coming too, little crashes, worse SI, bad thoughts etc but now feels like I have just flat lined. Not even upset, just feel dark. I genuinely don't think I can sit in my exam tomorrow and write. My brain just will not focus for that long. It's taking ages to even write this and focus. So much to do. I can't even drink or SI because if I do I will end up in hospital again. I miss this exam then I am thrown out of university. Can't call anyone because I won't focus on what they are saying. Have no energy or desire to speak.

*snuggles Emma*

Hun, I know this is really hard. But get the exam out of the way and then get through the rest and then concentrate on yourself hun til you feel better or something? I know this is crap advice but I dunno what to suggest for the best hun :(

*snuggles Emma*

Wish I had something to say to make it better luv, but unfortunately I'm pretty much useless. However, I have confidence in you sweetie and just think, after tomorrow morning the exam will be over and you won't have to worry about it any more. I know, doesn't help but... tis the truth *shrug*

*sits in her corner with her books, articles, and coffee and cries*

Just got an email back from my therapist saying his week has already filled up and we'll have to wait till Monday (our 'regularly scheduled program')... Too bad it will all be over by then... And I'm having a bit of a hard time not feeling pushed aside. After Fridays session I kept having to tell myself that it was nothing personal, lots of miscommunication and what not; he hadn't REALLY given up on me as it felt... Now I'm having to remind myself that, despite the fact that the suggestion to try and get in this week was his idea, remember, self, he has not given up and this is a case of '**** happens' and probably me being stupid and not emailing soon enough in the day. Wow. That was longer than I thought it would be.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a date with my blade and then my books... Is it slightly ironic that one of the paraphilias I chose to write on is sexual masochism and that while my SI is not (big sigh here all, no worries lol) sexual... Yeah, finding it a bit odd none the less...

Take care all.

*hugs Ally too*

*then hides in a corner with blankets and cushions*

i have read everyone's posts but my brain won't work today so all i have is *snuggles*.
really sorry.
will get back to you all ASAP.

It's okay sweetheart. *snuggles lots*

*hugs Helen, Ally, Jo, Emma*
*hugs everyone else*

I'm getting through my days with caffeine chewing gum. Two pieces equals one cup of coffee says the package so I'm doing one piece in the morning when I'm still groggy after my second diet pepsi. I had one package from home and was hoarding it. I found some in a gas-mart and got four packs!

I need to rest.

No ruins today. We got to the entrance gate, saw how small the park was, saw that there was a van load of kids just unloading and left. So we had a nice scenic drive through northwest New Mexico.

Now we're in Santa Fe, just blocks from downtown. My husband wants to explore some of the museums and galleries. I am afraid of strange cities! So I asked my dear hubby if he would protect me when we go exploring tomorrow. He is a hare, bounding all over the place with abrupt stops and changes in direction. I'm a tortoise, slow, reliable, and pulling into my shell at the first sign of trouble. He gets impatient cause I'm slow. Ironically once I'm comfortable, I can talk to most anyone.

btw, it is ironic that I am afraid of strange cities since I live in a suburb of the second largest city in the U.S.

Since we're on the road, i'm making up for frequency of messages by writing a lot at any one time. Sorry if y'all are tired now!

Oh yeah, toothache not a problem today. I'm wondering if it is emotional.

*snuggles her RYL mom* glad to hear the tooth ache isn't a problem today. Santa Fe! Oh I love that city! There are some beautiful churches there including one with this staircase that is so impossible I saw it on an episode of Unsolved Mysteries years before I actually saw it myself. Favour please? Good vibes toward Las Cruces NM... That's where my sister, brother-in-law, niece (who will be two next Monday!) and still-in-the-oven nephew live.

*snuggles Helen and Chloe*
No worries Chloe, hope you're doing alright luv.

---------------
Phew, 'wrote' all over my arm... Not totally happy with it, not sure it will scar appropriately but *shrug*

*snuggles Ally*

Good to hear from you Susan. Glad the toothache isn't around today xxx

SOmetimes I think I just hang around with the wrong people. People who can't be trusted, I trust. People who CAN be trusted, I don't. What's wrong with me?????

Stoopid toothache came back. Yeouch. I'm wondering if it is psychosomatic though cause sometimes it's mate on the bottom gets painful too.

*sits in her corner, knees to her chest, head on her knees, arms wrapped around her head, sobbing*

Oh thank God I can do that here even if I can't manage it in real life... I think I'll have to try and draw something similar actually, it's so applicable and, after all, like ASL, my drawings are expressed feelings...

God, please, I just want it to all end... To go to sleep tonight and not wake up...:crying: this is me, pleading, knowing she's asking the unthinkable of a Parent who adores His children, wishing that He could just do this for her...

' To be, or not to be--that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles And by opposing end them. To die, to sleep-- No more--and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to.
'Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep-- To sleep--perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub,
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause.
There's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
Th' oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns That patient merit of th' unworthy takes, When he himself might his quietus make With a bare bodkin?
Who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country, from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of? Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought, And enterprise of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry And lose the name of action.'

I always knew there was a reason Hamlet was my favourite of Shakespeares plays...

Sorry for the long post, just wanted to share that as it sometimes speaks so clearly to me...

*snuggles Hana* sweetie, I wish I knew what to tell you, really I do...

Oh ally, whats the matter sweetie. Why are you so upset today? I wish I could make it all better, really I do. I wish I could hug you in real life.

Paying particular attention to:

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause.

And:
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country, from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of? Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought.

I think this is one case where thinking too much is a good thing.

What did you draw? You don't have to answer, but it could help to talk about it...

Hana, sometimes it's really hard to judge who should be trusted or not, it sucks though *hugs*

Susan, maybe it is psychological. Have you been getting any sleep on this trip? :p

God god god. The police are just sat outside in their car. I don't know what they're there for, but the fact they're there scares the crap out of me, and it's completely irrational and I don't know why, but I wanna get out of here, but I can't cause they're out there.

*hides* Sorry, I wish I had words that could help everyone, but... I can't think right now.

Last night dad called the doctor out, who sent me to the psych ward for an assessment. They just told me to take my meds and go to bed and sent me home.
Today I feel exactly the same, if not worse. I need help, I might go to A&E. x

*hugs* I'm sorry you're feeling bad. Hope you get what you need soon.

xx

*snuggles everyone* I'm sorry we're all feeling so bad.

*sends hugs to everyone who needs em and retreats to a corner*

*squishes every1 in the psych ward*

*squishes some more*

*Hugs everyone back*
The EIP team just came over. They're talking about getting the crisis team to assess me and maybe send me to hospital.
I don't want the crisis team involved again, they never helped.
So in some ways I hope they send me to hospital. I just can't see any other alternative to keep myself safe.
I just tried to kill myself. I wont say how incase it triggers, but after it failed I now know how to do it properly.
I feel so unsafe.

*sits down with Zowie and hugs lots*

I'm sorry hunnie that it's come to this. Lots of hugs and you know we're here if you want to talk more. Damm these time differences though, I must admit.

Damn..i can't sleep grrr

i'm..starting to question what he did....
It was years ago...
but I'm still questioning it.
I dont think I wanted it.

*snuggles everyone*
Oh Zowie hun, please try and stay safe luv. Wed all feel so awful if anything happened to you, we love you so much.

lol Chloe, you can ask what I drew... Unfortunately I haven't drawn it yet... Too busy with uni work :crying: I got around three hours sleep last night and probably won't get any more than that tonight. Just feeling awful in general... Maybe something to do with the fact that I haven't taken my meds in a week... Anyway, what I want to draw is just a person sitting in a corner, knees up to their chest, head on their knees, arms wrapped around their head... Tis what I feel like most of the time. Ah, well, we shall see.

*snuggles some more then retreats to her corner with her I work*

*snuggles Alexx*
Who did what luv?

*tucks her sheep in* Sorry to hear you can't sleep Jeremy dear

My..first serious ex....
I lost it to him...
and convinced myself that's what I wanted....but...I'm thinking...
I dunno...thinking back...It just seemed like a lot of pressure put on me...and...alot of him using his strength against me...
I didn't want it
he told me he did...and i did...
and i believed him :crying:

*cuddles alexx*

Not sure wat's going on..but i hope ur alrite

*walks over to his bed and hopefully collapses to sleep* hmm

*Sits in the corner for a while to calm down*

*waves hello to jess*

Jess....is it what i think?

*waves back*
I'm friendly...on the whole

Waves of anger
Been getting them on and off for a few days now
Wanting to put my fist through a window for instance
At dinner, slamming the baking tray down too hard on a glass so it splintered
I wanted to carry on :/
Having an angry moment :/

((((zowie)))) hope assessment goes ok, mybe hospital not a bad idea for a bit, please tell them everything

Ally i draw pics like that all the time, just sums how you feel doesn't it? hope work is going x

*hugs everyone else*
*hides in corner*

This is me, exhausted :yawn:

Almost done with the reading for one paper... thankgoodness cause that one has to be at least 10 pages and is due tomorrow at 4 o'clock

Running on caffieene and about three hours of sleep... woo hoo

Jo, you're right, the drawings do help... I'll have to post those I have done in a thread and share them... I'm not a feelings person and these are what I use to convey what others seem to be able to do naturally *shrug*

*snuggles everyone* Take care all. I hope to be able to be of more support when I'm done with these damn papers :pinch:

*retreats to her corner with her papers and books and coffee*

*hugs Alexx*
I went through a similar situation with my first boyfriend.
I repressed what happened and then last month, I realised I'd been raped.
I'm assuming that's a possibility for you hun..*snuggles lots*
Don't feel ashamed if it did.
Do you remember saying yes?
Because if you said nothing or said NO and he still did it, that's rape hunnie and I'm sure you know
*lots of hugs*


*hugs everyone else*

I said no...I asked him to stop...more than once

I could swing for him :@

I get to hide....every Thursday...

Thisisn'thelpingmyanger

If I saw him outside of college, I would lamp him one, I kid not
You'd need to hold me back :/