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Kathryn_Anna 01-04-2016 07:26 PM

So I have my niece and nephew's birthday party bright and early tomorrow morning at a museum. It's indoor and outdoor and tons of fun. Problem is my son's anxiety meds are out at our pharmacy so no clue when they'll come in. He's already been without all week and has slept 90% of the last 2 days. My knee is alao acting up again and it hurts to walk. PSA: when you hurt your knee, Sven if minor, take it seriously. I wacked it on the couch stepping over something and that was probably 2 months ago.

Doikers 01-04-2016 08:56 PM

~Can Someone tell what PSA means please

Drewbles 01-04-2016 10:09 PM

psa is public service announcement. It's meant to be like.. Information shared with everyone to be helpful or informative.

I'm off for the weekend and I really want to relax but I feel like so much difficult is happening. I haven't slept in a while. My best friend is in the midst of breaking up with someone and needs me. I love them and I want to be there for them but it's like everything happens at once

The following content has been hidden - Reason : death mention
Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of someone important passing away too so i'm a ball of yuck this weekend. If i was also working I'd be in a lot of trouble. I can already tell it's going to be a "curl up in bed and don't move for any reason" kind of weekend :(


I feel like I'm laying in a bathtub with the water just covering my ears. The sounds of the room around me are muffled by the water and I'm barely aware of whats happening out there. But then I knock something into the tub right near me and it's this deafening clatter reminding me i can still hear.

I don't know if that makes sense. I'm just sad and stressed and empty and "far away"

Kathryn_Anna 02-04-2016 01:23 AM

Sorry Mark, I wasn't thinking when I abbreviated it. <3

Kahlia1981 02-04-2016 01:28 AM

Kat: I know I can't understand exactly what your son is going through but I do know what it's like to be without anxiety medication. I cannot leave the house without taking something or I go into a full blown panic attack, especially if there are people around like a doctor's surgery waiting room or a shopping center. Broken toes are also a pain.... My husband broke his toe in at least three places, since they can't do anything for him he never got it x-rayed, and he keeps banging it on everything. It's amazing how you never realise how many things you bump into when something like a toe is damaged.

Mark: How are you going big brother?

Drew: I can understand the anniversary very well and the emotional blowout it can cause. Thank goodness you aren't working this weekend as you definitely don't need that extra stress right now. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to take time out if you need it. Maybe some techniques to stay in the moment or meditation might help. Even making a list of reasons to live, not to self harm or trying to find a positive. Feel free to visit the positive post thread mentioned above if you can find some positives. From what you've said maybe a "curl up in bed" weekend is just what you need. Obviously I don't know why you haven't been sleeping but sleep may also help you to stay in control instead of everything else controlling you.

Firstly, thanks to everyone who posted in the positive post thread. I'm going to, somehow, put the link in my signature but I am hoping that enough people find it helpful that it will be easy to find instead of getting lost in the long number of forgotten posts.

Yesterday I had almost had two falls, stopped by the handle on my walker, one stopped by a wall and two where I actually did hit the ground. The only reason I'm on the walker today is the access doors need a ramp cover or I'll be stuck either inside the house or outside. Having said that, anytime I leave the house I have to be in the wheelchair because, obviously, my legs are no longer stable enough for us to be sure that I won't fall, especially on long distance walks. That really isn't helping my mood which is already very low and increased the amount of suicidal thoughts and ideas my brain/mind/head is ruminating on. I could really do with some hugs if anyone is around.

*hugs* and *safe hugs* to all

Drewbles 02-04-2016 03:20 AM

*sends safe hugs to Kahlia if they're still needed*

I don't think I'll be getting sleep anytime soon either. I know I have to take care of myself too but it feels like too many people need me.
Sorry if that wasn't meant for me though, I think it was but I'm not sure.

I know it's been a while since you said it Kahlia but your feelings are valid and okay even if other people have it worse. someone always does. Doesn't mean things don't hurt. it sounds like a really tough adjustment, I'm sorry you have to go through that. Sending extra hugs if you want them.

Kahlia1981 02-04-2016 05:11 AM

Thanks Drew. I got myself confused while responding because I'm using my phone and cannot see the actual posts, not to mention that it keeps throwing random words half way through my posts for no apparent reason. I'm really sorry about that response. I really want to thank you for helping me with recognising that my feelings are valid. *hugs*

We just had a doctor's appointment and I realised that I actually nearly fell three times. What I did was count the two almost identical close calls as one. Both times I was luck enough to be blocked by the walker handle. He was also able to give me an answer for why I'm almost completely covered in bruises which was reassuring.

Right now I just want to burst into tears because I feel useless and like I have no value whatsoever. It doesn't matter what I do my independence is becoming less and less and I have to be pushed in the wheelchair because my shoulders dislocate and sublux when I push myself both for long distances or sideways slopes. Why I keep going when it would be so easy to just let go? Man I just need to cry my eyes/heart out.

*hides in a corner to cry*

Kahlia1981 02-04-2016 05:42 AM

Drew: I edited the post above. Thanks for pointing it out to me. :-D

Eir 02-04-2016 11:00 AM

In town today for the man's gig. Staying at his parents, along with his nieces. They are nice but I'm all kinds of firetrucked up. Lots of reminders why I shouldn't be here. Also many as to why I can't leave. Not yet.
Just gonna use the post to wrap up the crud and bury it deep. Activate survival mode. Will try to come up with something positive to add to the post before bed.

Doikers 02-04-2016 01:05 PM

*Glomps Kahlia I can't really get my head around time difference but I think it's about 1 am with you and I'm hoping you are getting some kip.

*Safe hugs to you Ribbons* In my head Canada must be about 8 hour in the past , I hope you slept/are sleeping well.

No Worries Kathryn *Safe Hugs*

*Safe Hugs Eir* Hope You sleep well too :)

Kahlia1981 02-04-2016 01:47 PM

Annie: *safe hugs* It sounds like survival mode is one of the best options with all those reminders flying around in your head. Maybe some mindfulness techniques could be useful.

Mark: *glomps* you right back. As I'm typing this it's 22:43.

My mood is somehow managing to drop even further. I just feel like I can't do anything right. *sigh*

*uses her wheelchair to get to a corner, gets herself out of the chair and sinks into the corner with her head in her hands ready to cry*

Drewbles 02-04-2016 01:54 PM

Kahlia: That's ok! Technology is sometimes messy like that. I didn't take it personally or anything.
*offers safe hugs to everyone*
I'm 5 hours behind you Mark.
I actually did manage to get more sleep than usual.

Drewbles 02-04-2016 01:58 PM

Also sorry to post twice in a row.
I don't know if anyone else will like to have this information but I found it helped me feel less bad about having to cry I dont know if anyone has that problem or not but

Crying is like liquid stress coming out of your face because of all the stuff in tears which I thought was really interesting and helped me feel like it was something that had to be done as part of taking care of myself.

anyways. If you wanna talk about it I'm here. Anyone with any of the things.

Eir 02-04-2016 02:42 PM

0040hrs. Miserable time with the child. At least it kept me busy. She's only just settled.
Watching FMA as distraction... Silly episode. But having the desired effect.
Therapist said much the same thing last time I saw her Kahlia.
It's just so exhausting.

Kathryn_Anna 02-04-2016 06:28 PM

Ready to lose it. Party was not fun. One kid made us 45 minutes late. Second one didn't want to stay in the party room. And the littlest one was screaming like a raptor. We lasted maybe an hour. The oldest then puked on the way home. Hubby said I could get out for a few so I ran to the store to get my son new shoes. Two stores were out of his size. I'm done for today. And the next few days too.

Kahlia1981 03-04-2016 12:32 AM

Annie: I'm not good with the names of television shows, movies, anime etc but is FMA Full Metal Alchemist? Just asking because that show cracks me up. I'm sorry you had trouble settling the little one but very glad you were able to find a distraction and that it had some effect. I guess your therapist and I were basically saying "do what you have to do to get by" so if you find something helpful, use it.

Kat: That really sounds rough. I know I would have felt like screaming my head off or punching pillows, but you made it through. You are probably exhausted and need some time to just be on your own and do whatever it is that allows you to relax but I realise that's extremely difficult with kids. We're here for you if you need to talk. *safe hugs*

Drew: Please don't ever stress about posting twice in a row. It isn't uncommon for any of us to forget something we wanted to write and post twice. I'm glad you managed to get some sleep, I hope you feel/felt a bit better for it. That's an interesting way to think of tears and crying.

Mark: The whole time zone thing can get pretty crazy. Here we are UTC/GMT+10 with no DST (daylight savings time) which is good in a way because it means we are always 10 hours ahead of Greenwich Mean Time or the Coordinated Universal Time, whichever you'd prefer. But Australia itself ranges from UTC/GMT+8 through to UTC/GMT+11 with DST in 5 states and territories and not in the remaining three. So even within Australia time zones can be really confusing. But that's why they created UTC lol.

This morning hasn't been wonderful although I woke up early but my head is still going round in circles, telling me how useless I am, how much better off everyone else would be if I wasn't here. Some of that is stemming from being in a wheelchair and not being able to do things but knowing that doesn't make it any easier. When you add to that my really low mood and the frustration of not being able to do things under my own steam or, in some cases, at all and you end up with some serious negativity. I hope no one minds me taking up some space and crying my eyes out.

*leaves hot chocolates and cookies on the table*

*hugs* and *safe hugs* for anyone who needs them

Eir 03-04-2016 02:26 AM

Yup, I was talking bout full metal alchemist. It cracks me up most of the time too

Kahlia1981 03-04-2016 07:42 AM

Woo hoo!! Let's rock our Full Metal Alchemist lol

Doikers 03-04-2016 11:27 AM

Kahlia , I'm sorry your head is going around in circles , Mine does that a lot , it's really hard to stop it *Glomps*

Also , before this thread I'd not heard of Full Metal Alchemist . . . . . . . . . . .

Kahlia1981 03-04-2016 11:57 AM

Mark: I'm really sorry to hear that big brother. It's definitely worth watching, and very funny in parts. Thanks.

I really just want to curl up and cry and physically can't. I hate being in the wheelchair and having to use the wheelie walker but I don't have options. Hopefully I'll be walking again after my surgery and rehabilitation are over.

*runs around everywhere because in here I don't need the wheelchair, then drops onto a bed made of pillows*


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