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-   -   Virtual Psych ward! (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1312)

Doikers 06-11-2010 10:00 PM

*wishes ward mates goodnight*

Doikers 06-11-2010 10:01 PM

*Late night squish for Nicole*:P

MammaMia 06-11-2010 10:26 PM

*cuddles ward*

So over being low although am feeling better than I have been :S

nicole94 06-11-2010 10:35 PM

i dont want to try anymore.
i dont want to get better.
but i dont want to die.
not really.
i want to hurt myself.
and keep hurting myself.
and ever..
and ever..

why do i do this to myself? :'(

Louise 06-11-2010 10:40 PM

Helen - I'm glad that you are feeling a wee bit better *hugs*

Nicole - I'm sorry that your feeling this, why do you not want to get better?

MammaMia 06-11-2010 10:42 PM

Louise - thank you *hugs*

Nicole - Why do you feel right now that you don't want to get better? Is it the fear of what will happen?? *hugs tightly*

nicole94 06-11-2010 10:51 PM

*hugs louise and helen* i dont know :'( it's just so safe here in my own little world. just me and my self harm, what will i do without it?! and also, what if i get better....and then... and then my therapist discharges me from DBT..and i have no support and i would be alone. i can't be alone, i need the support, self harm brings me help. i NEED it....

Louise 06-11-2010 10:57 PM

It is a scary feeling wondering what it is like without self harm when it comes the way of coping with things.

Kahlia1981 06-11-2010 11:00 PM

*huggles all*

I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place ...

Perhaps I should explain the current situation. I'll chuck the majority behind a hide because it talks about my suicidal ideation and the way I've let myself become such a menace to myself and practically destroyed every chance I have of keeping the peace in my household.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Talks of suicide
Logically I know that I should tell my housemate that I have all the stuff in the house for my suicide plan. I've lied to him twice in the last two days - telling him that I don't have what I need. I know that he can't help me if he doesn't know, but I'm scared he'll call an ambulance and send me to hospital. He's already said that if he calls an ambulance and I won't go with them he'll force them to take me by putting me under an EEO (Emergency Evaluation Order). The good point about that is that I'll get "priority" treatment - i.e. be seen quicker than without it, have to be seen within 6 hours, and have to be seen by a psych registrar instead of a regular psych nurse/Intake and Assessment team nurse. The other good point is that if they don't admit me they have to arrange for me to get home including providing Taxi Vouchers or whatever. The bad points are that I will be forced to attend the hospital which will further increase my anxiety and there is a chance, however slim, that I will be admitted.

I really don't know what to do. I don't want to go to the hospital because if they do admit me my life will be in danger because of the incompetence of the nursing staff and the on-staff psychiatrists and psych registrars. However; my life is in danger now because of me and whatever the hell is going on in my brain.
I'm scared ... I really am, in fact I'm downright terrified. I also don't want my housemate to get angry at me because I lied to him. I know that he will understand my motives for doing it, but I'm so highly strung right now that it might push me further over the edge and ... I just don't know.

I'm sorry. You guys deserve better than this. I'm just so sorry. :crying:

I feel like such a bad person, a bad wardie and such a failure. I hope that you can forgive me, although it's more than I deserve.

MammaMia 06-11-2010 11:02 PM

Nicole, I know what it feels like to wonder how you'd cope without self harm. Especially when times are tough. God these last 8 months have been absolute hell at times and I've wanted to cut so badly. Hell I feel like that right now. However I just try to talk to people I trust more and find better ways of coping. It is so scary, I know. But you can do it sweetheart. You've had periods of times without it. Yes, it is easier when things aren't bad, but recovery is full of challenges. Hopefully they wouldn't discharge you unless they felt you were completely able to cope without their support and you could always go back if things were to go downhill massively again I'm sure. I know it's so scary, the unknown IS scary. But you just have to give it a go sometimes and see what happens. I'm probably talking **** now but hopefully this will help somehow. *hugs*

MammaMia 06-11-2010 11:05 PM

Oh Kahlia :( I can see how you feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Could you not tell your psych and have them help you at home instead?? Please please please talk to your house mate. Chances are he'll know you've lied already. There's nothing to forgive sweetie. We all lie when we're suicidal and want our plans to be carried out. God knows I've lied to my family and best friends about it at times. Yes they may be angry with me to start with but they'd rather I told the truth & helped me instead of me coming to serious harm. *cuddles so tight* Please consider what I've said at least? You're not a bad wardie.. I promise xx

nicole94 06-11-2010 11:09 PM

*hugs helen and louise* i know. i know i should be trying harder, i should want to recover, but i just cant seem to feel it. self harm is all i've had for 4 years, it's been there for me whenever i needed it, it's like my best friend. how can something so evil feel so good? how has it managed to keep me alive, whilst slowly destroying my life? i love it, but i hate it, and i can't live without it.

MammaMia 06-11-2010 11:17 PM

Don't force recovery onto yourself Nicole. The feeling of wanting to recover for good. I've self harmed on/off since I was 12/13 and I'm 20 now. It's taken me til this year to REALLY want to give up. Although there's times I still wish I wasn't so I could be cutting myself to cope. Also it's understandable to not to want to recover when you've spent so long using it as a coping method and feels like your only friend. But it's not really a friend to you. You CAN live without it Nicole. You just feel that you can;t. *cuddles*

nicole94 06-11-2010 11:23 PM

*cuddles helen* i suppose. i know i need to slow down with my recovery, because even though i'm not self harming so much its not really recovery when i'm planning suicide instead is it? but i dont know how to tell my therapist that she is pushing me too hard :(

MammaMia 06-11-2010 11:26 PM

Could you write it down that you're struggling with her pushing you so hard? I'm sure she's doing it for your own good. Planning suicide isn't good but you can still be in recovery with self harm whilst doing that. Just as long as the plan isn't carried out. Please don't carry it out Nicole *hugs tight*

nicole94 06-11-2010 11:33 PM

*hugs helen* i dont know... i was thinking of speaking to shani about it (she is my care co-ordinater) but i dont really know yet. And i'm trying so hard not to carry it out helen, because i dont want to, i know i dont, i want to live, but suicide just feels like the only way out of this mess now. i've changed the date though, from 24th december to 18th january, so that hopefully it will give me more time to feel better, i was very aware that it was getting closer to christmas and i wasnt feeling any better, so i moved the date. but i dont think i can move it again though :(

MammaMia 07-11-2010 12:13 AM

Honey, suicide is NOT the only way out of this mess. It's the worst way to end this mess. You need to stay strong because all the bad stuff WILL end & you will eventually recover. You just need to have faith and patience. I know it's hard. I know you want to live, you've said you don't want to do it. Would you rather give the chance for the pain to go away or pass the pain to everyone else who will never stop feeling it? People you don't believe would be affected, will be. *hugs tight* Sorry I know it may sound like I don't believe you or that I'm against you/having a go, I'm not. I just want to help *cuddles tight*

nicole94 07-11-2010 12:19 AM

*cuddles helen* i know all this stuff, i know you arent having a go at me, i am being stupid and selfish and i know that. but sometimes its just easier to give up. i am trying, i am working hard to make sure i sort this mess. but well, i need the plan, just in case. if it doesnt stop, if there is no hope, then i still have a back-up plan, because i cant stay hurting like this forever, it has to stop, one way or another :(

MammaMia 07-11-2010 12:22 AM

*hugs Nicole tight* I'm glad you know that. But you are NOT being stupid or selfish. I'm glad you've been honest & told us about your plan. Although I had seen it in your rant thread already. I know it sometimes feels easier to give up, but it won't make things any better. It won't make them go away. Trying is all ANYONE can ask of you. I know sometimes just having a plan makes it easier but just don't act upon it. The hurting won't last forever Nicole. I promise. I know how it feels. I sometimes feel like the pain will never ever end but it always does. Just some pain take longer than others. It's true what they say about time being a great healer. As much as I hate that phrase, it's the truth..

nicole94 07-11-2010 12:32 AM

*hugs helen tight*i know that you had seen it in my R/V thread, i was trying to tell you guys how much i was struggling but i just couldnt get it out because everyone else was struggling so much i didnt wanna put all my problems on you aswell, so i put it in there in the hope that someone might read it, that way it was up to them if they wanted to say anything, i noticed you posted in here a couple of days back telling me not to do it. i didnt feel like i could reply, but it really helped me knowing you cared enough to read it and comment on here <3

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