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Scarletdreamer 24-08-2010 02:18 PM

Ughhh. :(

Feel like proper **** right now.

Sorry to be so freaking selfish.

Hels, Mark, how are you two doing?? and everyone else? Too many posts for my muddled brain to reply to at the moment... :(

MammaMia 24-08-2010 02:27 PM

You're not selfish April *cuddles*

I'm bit upset, had a nightmare, but trying to forget about it. Missing my bestie but it's bearable & just had a chat with her on the phone <3 But other than that, I'm okayish

Scarletdreamer 24-08-2010 02:34 PM

Yey for being okayish. That's awesome, Hels. :) *cuddles* And I'm sorry that you had a nightmare... they royally suck, don't they? :( but maybe you'll be able to get it out of your mind somehow... *extra cuddles because of nightmare*

Yes, I am selfish. And stupid. And... just ate "too much." Okay. So maybe not "too much" but it feels like a LOT to my stomach... which I think is rapidly shrinking? I don't know. :(

I have to see a nutritionist again. Or else I would have had to go IP. Why is it that professionals seem to love wanting to toss me into hospitals?? :'( I can't eat a lot. I can't. I want to purge if I do. I hate my life. Hate it. Why does it always turn on me?


katnovia 24-08-2010 02:52 PM

*hugs april* i'm sorry things are tough right now lovely, i wish i could say better but i cant focus.

doing okay, things are a nightmare at the moment, new meds, new therapist, new pysch, new CPN, police cases, getting lost, memory going, headaches...*sighs*.

EDIT: has read back a pages....
helen *huggles* sorry you had a nightmare sweet.
mark *hugs* how are you?

urg, my brain just wont retain anything for longer than 2 seconds

MammaMia 24-08-2010 03:02 PM

April *cuddles tight* Glad you had some food, sorry it feels like too much. They only want to help you, hence them suggesting hospital related help. Nightmares do royally suck.

Kat *cuddles tight*

Doikers 24-08-2010 03:50 PM

*Hugs Kat, Helen , April*

I'm still here , Just got back from ear accupunctre which was quiet this week , I far prefer it when it's quiet , it promotes a far more relaxing atmosphere . I am still triggered but one part of me really doesn't want to harm and the other side is saying "go on , do it , you know you need it" . I didn't harm last night almost entirely down to April looking out for me and this thread and Felicia chatted to me a bit too .

EDIT: Tomorrow I have to meet with the befriending woman for people with serious mental health issues on my own and I've only met her once and my nurse was there to help me. Am SO anxious.

Then I meet my Housing SW whom I haven't met in 3-4 weeks.....okayish

Then I have to go and hand inmy application form and CRB form to the cyber cafe to become a volunteer as so many people are pushing me that way DR, SW , Nurse *Sigh* I suppose it would get me out and meeting people , thats scares me but I've got to do the form handing over bit first *Mega Anxious*

Then I have to go to my Granny's 80th birthday and "BE HAPPY" in front on the family for an evening and a morning *Sigh*

Thats it for tomorrow heh.

Doikers 24-08-2010 04:28 PM

April you are FAR from being selfish or stupid *Hugs*

*Hugs Kat* Your scedule sounds very hectic I hope you cope okay :)

*Hugs Helen* Sorry you had a nightmare Helen .

MammaMia 24-08-2010 05:53 PM

Erm think you'll find other people also helped you but you continue to ignore their posts of support towards you. Thanks for the hugs though.

SoMuchMore 24-08-2010 06:01 PM

*hugs mark* im glad you didn't harm. good luck with everything that you are super anxious about. It'll be alright. Hope that you have a pleasant time at your granny's 80th... I know putting on a mask is hard but, you never know, it could still be a good time, i mean sometimes i am able to mask myself into having a good time.

*hugs april* you are not selfish or stupid. im glad you ate, and helen is right, people are just trying to look out for you with all the hospital talk... i know its scary but i'm sure it really is all with the best intentions.

*hugs helen* im sorry that you had nightmares hun. I had some strange dreams myself last night.. not exactly nightmares but i'm starting to think almost any type of dream can mess with your head.

*hugs kat* its good to see you around and posting. Sorry everything is changing/new right now. Hope that it gets better once you're able to adjust more.

*hugs becca, steph, kahlia, heather, taz, and everyone else*

Sorry ran out of time for more individuals but I will do more later... have to get to class.

Feeling all triggered for no real reason... stupid... so i guess i'm glad i have class to go to where i can't really SI.

Doikers 24-08-2010 06:18 PM

Helen , I didn't mean to ignore you , Just my mind is all preoccupied with tomorrow and urges . Please forgive me ?:S

PoisonedApple 24-08-2010 06:23 PM

*hugs everyone*
Kat - hope you can focus a bit better later on but don't worry about it for now. :)
Mark - Glad you didn't harm. Good luck with all of your appointments and activities. Might even get to enjoy some of it :)
Laura- Try to have a good time at class
How is everyone?

D agreed I should apply for the job in CA. I finished most of my resume on their website but I haven't taken a typing test in about 2.5 years... need to take another and enter my score. I know I type faster than I used to and I used to type at 39 WPM but taking a new test makes me so anxious I screw it up all over the place and last one I tried online I got 33WPM *face/palm* Might try to go down to the temp agency I took the last one at... Margo lets me sit there and retry till I'm satisfied (as long as its business hours). The job center has typing tests too. We'll see.

MammaMia 24-08-2010 06:41 PM

Laura, I agree, any kind of dream can mess with your head. Sorry you had strange dreams *cuddles*
Mark, but you keep doing it :/ Just makes me feel pretty worthless :S

Doikers 24-08-2010 06:59 PM

*Hugs Helen if Okay* I SO didn't intend to make you feel worthless , I like you and okay, I messed up but I am truely sorry , Give me another chance , I'd HATE to have to lose you as a friend :S

Scarletdreamer 24-08-2010 07:19 PM

*cuddles everyone*

Hels, I'm pretty sure that Mark didn't do it on purpose, he's not that kind of guy. But I can see both sides, how you'd feel worthless too, even though - as I've told you before - you are most definitely NOT worthless. *gentle hugs* We're all going through rough bits now and with a muddled head when you're feeling ill (mentally or physically) it's hard to keep track of all of the posts here and all of the people supporting each other. I hope that made sense!!

*hides in the warren & cries softly*

MammaMia 24-08-2010 07:27 PM

Sorry :'(

Doikers 24-08-2010 07:31 PM

*Hugs April*

*Hugs Helen*

Scarletdreamer 24-08-2010 07:45 PM

No sorries, Hels, sweetie. It wasn't your fault. And Mark, no feeling bad on your part either. We all miss posts/support. I hope my post didn't sound accusatory, Hels, really didn't mean for it to come across like that. :( *group hug?*

How're you both doing, though? besides the nervousness on your part, Mark, about tomorrow (I would be nervous too - you're gonna be the busy bee this time ^_^).

Updated my r/v. It's really long though. :(

Brain's not working right. Hmm, I wonder why? >_< Anorexic mindset fully in place at the moment. I'm thoroughly crap at the moment. :( Jarrod's gonna be upset with me when he gets home. And I'm gonna feel even more like crap then.

Took a nap earlier but it wasn't for very long. And I just can't get into WoW right now, or books... writing is my only escape. It's as if I have to write my way out of the hole I've fallen into. Yes, fallen. I didn't choose to (re)lapse... even though I may be "choosing" to stay here... I really don't know why anyone would do that though.

I really don't want to have to go IP. I really really don't. And res, at the place I'll be going to see my nutritionist, is helluva expensive, and we can't afford it... wonder if they could/would manage to get me in somehow anyway?? I honestly don't know. And I feel like a ****ing failure to be back in this place.


Doikers 24-08-2010 08:10 PM

Speaking as someone who only has an outside knowledge of ED's I'd say that you aren't a failure April , you can't help all these feelings that have come back it's not something you control , like you said, you didn't choose to re/lapse so please stop beating yourself up about it . <3 you Little Sister

MammaMia 24-08-2010 08:19 PM

*group hug*

Please try fight the anorexic mindset April *cuddles tight*

Doikers 24-08-2010 08:38 PM

*Group Hug*

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