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Doikers 02-03-2010 08:25 PM

I'm not drunk , butI'm not sober . I haven't so much as fallen off the wagon as taken a premeditated jump from it . My face is red but I don't feel drunk . I was so triggered and I've not been S.I.ing I just needed another coping mechinism , I still feel like cutting myself , I mean I've completely ****ed up being sober for almost 2 years it's not much of a leap to go back to hurting myself . I'm just totally worthless , hopeless........ there is no hope for me if I dodge 1 coping mechinism another will just come along and they are all unhealthy ways of dealing with things . Now I'm triggered and less than sober , I want to cut my face , I've been getting that a lot latley . God I hate myself , I don't care , Ireally don't care about myself right now .
Why the ****ing hell can't it all go away?
Why do I feel the need to do bad things to myself ?

SilverFlame 03-03-2010 01:46 AM

*checks in*

Awk, Doikers, I wish I knew a way to make you feel better. All I know is that falling off the wagon (or jumping) isn't the same thing as slitting your throat in the dust. At this point, you have the chance to get back on the wagon, or at least run after it screaming! So you shouldn't give up just yet. I can't help you, but if I could, I would, and I hope you're okay.

Kahlia1981 03-03-2010 02:29 AM

*hugs all*

Coffee Club went okay this morning. The staff were smiling and pleasant and didn't treat me like I was the dirt beneath their feet. I have a formal interview on Friday afternoon to finish up the paperwork and stuff. Meh.

I am supposed to be hearing from my pdoc's office today. I rang them and they told me that I might be able to get in to see him on the 10th. Otherwise he might be able to work things out by phone and then I just pick up any necessary scripts or whatever.

I'm heading down with my housemate to see the GP today. I'm going to try and go in as a walk-in depending on the number of people waiting. *sigh* Man I hate doctors.

I am so sick of my damn mood. So damn over it. I just want the depression to lift. *sigh*

*hugs everyone then slips into the denial tent*

MammaMia 03-03-2010 09:52 AM

*cuddles everyone*

Doikers 03-03-2010 10:32 AM

Thanx Silverflame . Good news is I called a friend and she talked me through wanting to S.I. and with her help I managed not to S.I. last night .
I feel drained this morning and that triggered feeling is still at the back of my mind but at least it's not full blown triggered feeling at the front of my mind right now , does that make sense?

*Hugs to you all*

Scarletdreamer 03-03-2010 03:30 PM

*peeks in & hides*

Yesterday was SUCH an awful day... I feel like I have a hangover from it :( you know that feeling, even though you don't drink (does anyone in here besides me not drink?) or haven't drunk anything you feel hungover? Well, that's how I feel... drained, weary, depressed, sad, frustrated... :(

Just want to die already!! or have this get better, I don't know. :(

MammaMia 03-03-2010 05:31 PM

I felt like that yesterday April and I hadn't drunk *squishes tight*

Really trying not to OD today. Hasn't been too bad of a day, but hasn't exactly been good...*sighs*

Kahlia1981 03-03-2010 06:26 PM

April - I barely drink. Can't stand the smell that most alcohol emits.

*cuddles everyone tightly*

Got to ring my Employment Co-ordinator and my pdoc's office again today. Meh. Am getting both an x-ray and an ultrasound on my shoulder for my GP, then have to make an appointment to see him again around about the middle of next week.

*cuddles everyone, then disappears out into the smoking shelter*

Doikers 04-03-2010 12:36 PM

*Hugs Mammamia , April and Kahlia*

I Really feel triggered today ,I'm so sick of this , sorry :(

Scarletdreamer 04-03-2010 03:44 PM

*cuddles Mark, Helen, Kahlia, & others I'm forgetting*

Mark, love, it's okay to be triggered and talk about it (as long as it's in a nontriggering way... if that made any sense!! lol). No sorries allowed. *more cuddles* I'm sick of this too... things just aren't going well and I don't know how to change that. :( Just found out that my confiding in another professor - other than my advisor - could cost me my internship. DAMNIT!!!! :(

I hate my life... I am so angry with myself. Yet I can still smile & laugh - WTF is wrong with me?!?!? I just want to die... yet I seem to be okay some of the time. I don't get me. I'm such a weird person. :crying:

I am so sick of this, sick of this, sick of this...

*hides in the denial tent, cuddling next to Puppy SinClair*

Doikers 04-03-2010 04:24 PM

*Hugs April* I'm sorry you're having such a hard time . *Joins you in the denial tent and pets Puppy SinClair*

Kahlia1981 04-03-2010 09:13 PM

*huggles everyone*

I got an emergency appointment with my pdoc at 9 am next Thursday. Hopefully he'll change my medication, and I will start lifting from the depression. In some ways it's all just a bit too much at the moment.

This morning I have physio and then am going to drop into the university to pick up withdrawal forms for me and my housemate and then head to the library to borrow something.


*hugs everyone then disappears into the denial tent and pats Puppy SinClair*

PoisonedApple 04-03-2010 09:23 PM

I think I'm losing it... I feel like I'm totally disconnected from myself right now. *shrugs* Maybe it's 'cuz I haven't been sleeping right... ~but then if we start the maybe's of my mental state that'd be a long list lately...

Kahlia~ Hope your appt goes well. *crosses fingers*

How is everyone else today?

*leaves hugs for all*

PoisonedApple 05-03-2010 01:02 AM

*pokes head in*
anyone around?

MammaMia 05-03-2010 01:08 AM

*cuddles everyone*

Think things might be slowly calming down again? =]

Feel like ****.

Almost my birthday :|

PoisonedApple 05-03-2010 01:11 AM

*cuddles helen*
happy early birthday! how old will you be this year?

MammaMia 05-03-2010 03:48 AM

Will be 20 :| :| :| :|
Can't believe it?

Jetforce 05-03-2010 03:55 AM

*cuddles all and leaves some blueberry muffins on the table top*

PoisonedApple 05-03-2010 06:23 AM

awww you're a young'n helen :D
*cuddles jet n snags a muffin*

shadowedsoul 05-03-2010 10:27 AM

ah crap i give up, just want to curl up and just feel noithing cant do any of this anymore. *curls up under some blanket and hides*

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