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Imaginary_friend 08-02-2010 06:52 PM

*hugs everyone*
April - please don't hurt yourself *hugs* it will get better - look at where you've come from 2005!*hugs*

I dunno that i'm actually going out tonight...i just dunno that i can face C without being drunk because it completely ****ed up my head last night when i saw him.....having said that, i'm about to see him (most probably) in about 10 minutes when i go for tea.....thinking about it makes me feel sick. physically sick. i dunno about counselling....its kinda helping but kinda not. i just....urgh. i dunno.
*hides in a corner*

PoisonedApple 08-02-2010 07:00 PM

*hugs* how is everyone this morning?
my comp went wonky at home so i missed being on the net for more than a day of this weekend but even if it's still only half repaired i have internet here at work (the only thing that made me actually want to get out of bed today)...

SoMuchMore 08-02-2010 07:02 PM

*hugs april* I do see good things in you. You are nice and supportive. You always respond to everyone even when u are having a hard time, and I know that you have had a hard time and you've gotten thru it which shows ur strong. *cuddles* keep trying to fight the urges.

*hugs helen*

*hugs laurafriend* good luck with seeing him. I hope it goes alright. Stay strong.

Can someone please make my brain stop racing around from one thing to the next and sometimes feel like its getting caught on repeat? (I know that prolly doesn't make any sense.. sorry)

SoMuchMore 08-02-2010 07:04 PM

^^ sorry i missed you. We mustve been typing at the same time. Good to see you back around.

Imaginary_friend 08-02-2010 07:39 PM

*hugs Laurastar* how are things? nah i know what you mean - "make my brain stop racing around from one thing to the next and sometimes feel like its getting caught on repeat?" - exactly what you mean. sucks. *hugs*

*hugs a_m* (sorry, i forgot your name :/ my bad) how's things going?

i just saw C. well....i avoided actually looking at him which i think he mighta noticed....*shrugs* i can't deal with talking to him atm. my head is ****ed. alcohol time soon :D .... i am a bad person. :(

MammaMia 08-02-2010 07:55 PM

Can I die now? :(

Imaginary_friend 08-02-2010 08:07 PM

*hugs Helen* what's up hun? I'm sure it will get better eventually. It has to. We just have to hold on for a bit. *cuddles*

Kahlia1981 08-02-2010 08:11 PM

*hugs everyone*

April - The big situation is that the hospital diagnosed me with BPD based on the one criteria that I was a cutter. At the time I was severely depressed and also had manic episodes, both of which they dismissed. They (the hospital and public health system) offered me treatment, which consistently failed due to the fact that I did not, and do not have BPD. In 2000 I began to hear voices and experience other hallucinations and these were dismissed by the hospital as "attention seeking" (and I'm quoting that from the official file). I was forced to seek help through the private system (which my parents funded) and was diagnosed after 2 years as having schizo-affective disorder (bipolar type). I saw that pdoc until he left town due to the medical indemnity issues. I then saw another private pdoc who was given no prior knowledge of my case and after 1 year he also diagnosed me as having schizo-affective disorder (bipolar type). After seeing him for another two years I was forced to find another pdoc as that pdoc was changing his type of practice to suit his area of interest. Then I saw yet another private pdoc. He agreed (after numerous sessions) with the previous two pdoc's diagnoses and at the end of my time with him had also added DID. The hospital has refused to change it's stance, regardless of the three independent professional opinions and basically refuses to treat me. They will put me on the ward if they can't avoid it but their policy is that I just don't want to get well, and if they do nothing, everything will just magically improve.

Sorry that's a long spiel so feel free to ignore it.

As for what is making my mood so low and bringing on the crying spells ... I just don't know. About 5 weeks ago my mood just dropped and it hasn't recovered. It could be that my lithium isn't working. It doesn't appear to be anything psychological. I just have no idea what's going on. I see my new pdoc next on 29th March. I guess I just have to hold on until then.

*cuddles everyone tightly*

PoisonedApple 08-02-2010 08:15 PM

laurastar~ yeah i think we were. i saw you at the bottom after i posted :) i'm glad i'm back around too... i kinda go stir crazy without this place these days. i agree with laurafriend... makes total sense, maybe it only makes sense to those of us who've been there but still...

laurafriend~ no big i forget peoples names too :) eventually i'll put it under my username... it's crimson.
this morning kinda sucked but i just came back to my office to find early valentines day stuff from my husband (flowers, a teddy bear and chocolates). made the day brighter. and even better if the day goes down hill again i have a plushie to cuddle with.
and i disagree with you saying you're a bad person. i think you're a great person who's having trouble right now. and i avoid looking at people to avoid talking to them too. every morning on the bus i put my headphones in (whether or not i turn on my ipod) and open a book... most people keep their distance and leave me alone, even the ones that know me.

*cuddles april, helen and kahlia*

Kahlia~ did the hospital give a reason for dismissing you after the private doctors' diagnosis was brought to their attention?

helen~what's up?

MammaMia 08-02-2010 08:39 PM

Laura, I hope you're right. I really need things to be better.

Oh Kahlia, I know most of your post was to April but I read it :( *cuddles tight*

Angel, things are so bad, can't even explain one situation fully, that's making me so sad. :'(

Imaginary_friend 08-02-2010 08:51 PM

*hugs Helen* they will get better. we have to believe that or else we can't hold on. It always gets better, it sometimes just takes longer. *cuddles*

*hugs Crimson* sounds like you've had a good day so far :) yay! i am a rubbish person. well...i guess i'm not a rubbish person, i just do bad things. meh. it equates to the same thing.

*hugs Kahlia* that all sounds pretty rubbish tbh (sorry, i read the bit to April too!) doctors can be rubbish. *cuddles* look after yourself.

i ignored C. like, actually.... he may well have tried to talking to me but tbh, my head isn't in a place where i could talk to him without either going mental and hitting him or crying. neither of which would be great tbh especially cos he's stressed atm....FFS WHY DO I ALWAYS THINK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE?! :( sometimes i just need to think about myself....last night, i needed help and i didn't get any because i didn't wanna bother/worry anyone. i can't and i won't stress people out. but it just makes me worse. i am officially crap.

MammaMia 08-02-2010 09:02 PM

I'm so scared.
*curls up and cries*

Imaginary_friend 08-02-2010 09:03 PM

me too :( *cuddles Helen*

MammaMia 08-02-2010 09:05 PM

*cuddles Laura tight*

Kahlia1981 08-02-2010 09:07 PM

*cuddles everyone*

A_M: No, the hospital hasn't given a reason.
Helen && Laura(friend): It's okay, I posted it so anyone could see it.

Thanks for the support everyone. I just wish that I could feel better. I'm so sick of crying. :(

shadowedsoul 08-02-2010 09:09 PM

argh screw everthing, evrthing falling apart. i cut the **** out of my arm,i just want to die. **** it all.

MammaMia 08-02-2010 09:37 PM

Arrrgh *hits things*

nologola 08-02-2010 10:59 PM

*cuddles April* I just felt so gross sitting there in class. And even though I got a friend to read out my creative work I still had to spend a substantial amount of time with everyone looking at me. I know it sounds silly. I just don't want to be looked at. I read the hidden bit of your post. I don't know what to say so I'll just carry on hugging, just don't forget how far you've come.

Kahlia - I hope you don't mind but I read the stuff to April too. It sounds so frustrating, you poor thing. *cuddles*

*cuddles laurafriend* i know exactly what you mean about not getting help when you want/need it because you worry about other people, but if you have someone you can trust you SHOULD put yourself first like you said, you deserve help and support as much as anyone else.

*cuddles laurastar* sometimes i feel like my whole life is stuck on repeat, it's one of the most frustrating feelings in the world. I understand totally. Poor you.

MammaMia - Helen is it? I don't think we've actually spoken to each other yet unless I've missed it/forgotten it (i'm not with it at the moment), seems like you're having a bad evening. *cuddles* if you want them. I'm around if you need a chat.

And ShadowedSoul - Are you safe? Do you want to talk about it?

I wish I didn't have the flu right now, it makes it harder to distract myself. All I can do is lie here and think about how much I want to hurt myself. I threw a cup at the wall earlier, but I'm so weak with flu it just bounced. So pathetic.

shadowedsoul 08-02-2010 10:59 PM

thanks hun, names jill. im safe sort of at the mo,feel like doing something stuiped. had a **** day at work,screwed up again, getting another writen warning. they said after this one, i could loose my job, they were kind of nasty saying i should have achived more in my ten years in the job, feel useless. got stuiped thoughts running through my head that people would be better of without me, just feel like saying **** it all. =[

MammaMia 08-02-2010 11:01 PM

:D :D
Okay, need to calm down a little.

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