*Hugs Secrets* Would you prefer a little stay in the denial tent? There are plenty of corners in there.

*Hugs Cheryl* I think it would be a good idea to tell her the truth. She cant help you properly unless she knows as much as she can.

Glad you finally had your assessment, Dayna. Also glad the woman was nice, what sort of things have they put in place for you?

*Hugs Katie* Ohhh, I'm sorry that happened sweets. Does he not see her much because of the kid?

*Hugs Kahlia* Sometimes when it rains, it pours. I'm really sorry so much crap is happening to you. I really hope things get better for you.

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I had a bottle of wine last night, and watched some TV with my dad. It was nice, and then I had a seriously long lie-in :) Feeling a bit drained today. Like I don't really have the energy to do anything. Need a cigarette. Smoked the entire pack yesterday. Damn.

Hey guys, sorry I haven't been around much lately. Been dissociating a lot and found it hard to type. Got my family therapy session soon with a whole crowd lol, got the psychologist, two other psychologists who observe, someone from the EIT, plus me, my folks and my boyfriend. Joy lol. Anyway hope you are all doing ok, lots of love and hugs xxx

*hugs to all on the ward*

Crisis team nurse made me go out for a walk with her today to show that the bad people arent really there, i dont know what to think now because part of me is screaming that she just can't see them but i know they are there. I want to cut badly but i'm not going to. im not.

*Hugs HannahBanana* Good luck at therapy hun.

*Hugs Shadow* I know how hard it is when people tell you things aren't real. Hold onto the thought that you're not going to cut. That's great.

*Hugs Kat*

I'm feeling really tired, which is weird because I woke up ridiculously late today. I'm looking forward to tomorrow, taking my dad to lunch (father's day pressie). I guess it'll have to be an early(ish) night for me. xx

thanks for the hug zowie. i was honest it was really hard again 2day. she pushed me really hard. not coping well with it. had a few drinks 2nite i have been rather numb since the appointment. which scares me. got another appointment monday just before i go to work.

Evening all,
*hugs all round* sorry I don't have time to write individual responses but I shall try over the next few days.

I'm a bit more positive tonight though a corner in the denial tent sounds like a plan for now.

*Curls up with a blanket and goes to sleep*

*Hugs both* Yeah, I'm glad that I've finally had it, too. It was a bit on the hard side, but could've been worse. I think it's just the future appts with the psyche and doctor now to wait for

EDIT: Whoops, I seemed to have combined Kahlia's and Arwen's posts together, lol .__.;

x_x I'm sorry you're having to deal with all the guilt trips and ****, and feel that you have to leave your account

Thanks Zowie. It's complicated. Don't want to go into it. Rather forget it.

I don't know how I'm feeling. Pretty faint, so hungry, sick. Another episode. Please let wednesday happen fast. I want these exams over. I'm over everything. I had a dream that my sister started cutting. DAMN DREAM. So triggering.. very bad =[

I managed to slip my cast off during the night and had to go get a new one put on. But I brought forward my appointment with fracture clinic to Monday so it'll be done before the surgery.

*leavs hugs for all that want and or need them*

*hugs to all on the ward*

*hugs zowie* thank you, not cutting is a major thing at the moment.

Got to see the crisis team psyche today, worried cos i dont know what he's going to say

.........

I just took my dad for lunch, it was lovely. I'm now very full of food and not feeling guilty :)

okay, now I'm feeling guilty. Why did I have to eat so much? Fatty.

*LONG RANT*
Also, my youngest sister is an absolute nightmare. Yesterday afternoon she asked to go out and play in the street and our dad said no because she needed a bath. To which she went mental, called us both loads of names, screamed, slammed doors and finally said 'im going anyway' and just walked out.
She came back about ten minutes later and appologised, and dad said 'im still punishing you'. So yet again, she goes off on one, and says 'the only reason i came back was because I couldn't find my friends, and the only reason I appologised is because I don't want to be punished!'
After a lot of shouting and swearing she calmed down, got in the bath and went to bed.
She just got home from school (dad's not here atm so I'm in charge). First thing she does is head for the cuboard (even though one of her punishements is no snacks or puddings) so I have to stop her. She starts moaning and telling me to ring dad and ask him if she's allowed a snack. I said no, because I knew what his answer would be.
Then her friend knocks on the door and she asks to go out. I can't remember if he grounded her or not so I ask her to honestly tell me. She says 'I don't remember' Which basically means he did. She screams at me for saying no and then says 'oh yeah, I'm not grounded'. So to be sure, I phone dad, and he's left his phone at home. Then it turns out (from her letting slip) he DID ground her but said if she was nice he mmight lift it after a while. So I say 'well, there's your answer, you need his permission'.
Then she says in an arrogant tone 'well I'm going anyway, I don't care.' Which is exactly what got her grounded in the first place. So I raise my voice and tell her exactly that, and that she will be in enormous trouble if she does.
She then storms into the hallway where her friend is waiting and screams 'you think you're my mother. I wish you'd stop acting like you're my mother!'
That's what really upset me. If mum were here she would have sorted her right out. She wouldn't be such a brat. Dad's too liberal. I mean, so liberal it got us on TV! He just lets her get away with everything. She's ten for christ's sake!
She's now upstairs with her friend, and I know I should send him away seeing as she's grounded, but I can't stand her bringing mum into the argument.

Okay rant over.
I completely understand if no one read that, it's very long.
Sigh.

*cuddles all*

Arwen, wow, I don't know what to say to help but I read it all, sounds like hell to deal with :(

Aww thank you for reading my pointless rant :)
Yeah, it's horrible. She's blaming it on me that she's not allowed to do anything even though it's her own fault and dad's decision.

Anway, things have calmed down now. x

*Leaves hugs for all* Sorry it can't be more. Head's killing, I collapsed twice today. Therapy went ok though and was so nice seeing my boyfriend. I feel so fat. Love to all xx

Oh god arwen.. I was reading your rant and man, I swear I thought of my family! Thats exactly how my sister (a few years older) would react too. It's so sad and horrible coz I know that if our mum was here then she wouldnt be llike this.. or at least as bad. I know she's like this coz well one she's teenager but 2 coz she has no mum. It's so hard. I have no advice sorry :( *hugs* Don't fell guilty about eating though. Although I can't talk hm.

*hugs zowie* your little sister sounds like a terror, well done for sticking up to her though it must have been hard.

*hugs banana* sorry to hear about your headache sweetheart and your collapsing, do you need to see someone about it?

*hugs bigbear*

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Well i saw the crisis team psyche and she was really nice, much to my surprise! told me she would up my anti depressent and would think about uppiong my anti psychotic if i had any more symptoms! nice and supportive too... hurrah

argh!!!! i cant handle any of this anymore, people playing mind games. Iam not even sure if she even was really in the first place. even if she has dissapeared and done something stuiped. or if its the same person now. argh!!!! this is too much for me to handle. going to go sleep in a padded room. untill i can get my head toghter. sorry for this confusing and pointless post. =/

*Hugs HannahBanana* I feel fat too :(

Katie - I find it so sad that she was only six when mum died, and that the lack of a mother has made her this way. Thanks for reading my rant, you didn't have to :P

Shadowedseraph - Yay for helpful people! I'm glad you're getting the support you need.

*hugs shadowedsoul* Sorry, don't know what to say.

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I truly wish I had a job. I have absolutely no money even though I was paid yesterday. It all went on rent and taking dad for lunch. I really want to go to the pub, just for one drink, so I can say hi to my friends. I haven't seen them in ages. It's my mum's birthday on Sunday and they are all her old friends, I really want to spend some time with them and have a drink for my mum.

*hugs zowie* try not to worry too much about it. Little sisters are often like that anyway, it is also part of growing up.

*hugs Mammamia* how are you?

*hugs banana* I'm glad therapy went well and you got ot spend time with your boyfriend. Hope your feeling better today.

*hugs Bigbear*

*hugs shadowedseraph* I'm glad that the crisis team psych was nice and you're getting support.

*hugs shadowedsoul* don't be sorry, if you want to talk more I'm around.

I'm feeling really lonely and isolated today. I've managed to eat which is an achievement but I'm back to feeling guilty, I just don't know. *sighs*

*Hugs Secrets* Well done for eating :)

I'm being a right scrounge. Have texted my dad and my friend to see if either of them could lend me enough for a pint. My friend just texted back and said she's got no cash on her, so I don't think she'll even be going for a drink. Maybe I should stop being desperate for a single drink and sleep all day.

*hugs secrets* well done for eating dont feel guilty

*hugs zowie* sleep is good especially if you are tired sorry i have nothing more supportive to say i suck today

*hugs shadowedsoul* if you want to talk more we are all around

After my last post I had to go pick my sister up from school as she'd bashed her head. At first, when we got home, she was really milking it. And she'd read the letter the school gave her about signs to look out for when someone hits their head, and was pretending that her eye was twitching. Annoying!
So haven't had a nap, she's watching TV and I don't want to go to bed.

hugs secrets well done for eating.

today wow had an appointment with my cpn that was ok. he wants to see me again next fri as my OT is going on holiday and he wanted to make sure i was ok. then went to my best friends uni and was in a hyper and met all her friends which was nice. she has sum really nice friends there. however walking back to her uni got a flashback, so now really struggling wow. only had 3 hours sleep in the last 48 hours that is killing me. and got first day back at work 2moz ontop of feeling suicidal great. has been a crazy day

Hey guys

*Hugs and loves for all*

*Distributes calorie free chocolates*

Been feeling a little better today but not great. Done great with food and did some walking too so feel a little less fat. Also went with my mum to the Open University library this afternoon and looked at the courses for 3rd year and I'm quite excited about it.

Currently trying to work out what to do for my birthday. My plan so far is spend the morning and early afternoon doing not much with family, then spend the afternoon and evening with my boyfriend doing not much lol. It's pretty tricky... Obviously don't wanna go for a meal, cinemas makes psychosis bad, going out I can't drink or take drugs any more, and generally places in public make me really anxious so kinda limits things! Can't even eat bloody birthday cake :( Urgh.

Hugs to all xxx

Secrets is not a happy secrets, stupid ex boyfriend who is determined to wreck my happiness.

okay might have been wrong. but thats even worse. damnit why cant my life be simple.if its not one thing its the other.keep having these panic attacks and there doing my head in.and these really sore pain near my heart. which are freaking me out. sorry in a whiney mood. =/

i can so relate 2 wat u have just sed shadowed soul i keep gettin the same pains in my chest and my heart like flutters its really weird, i know its probly related 2 anxiety but it seems 2 happen at the most randomest of times, times wen i dnt even feel like im even stressed like out in a nightclub or shoppin or watchin a film, its rediculous, i wish i cud find a way of getting rid of them

I'm in a really bad mood, but trying to cling onto the excited feeling about today. ****'s sake, I'm in SUCH a bad mood, mostly directed at me.

*hugs zowie* sounds like a typical little sister, did you get a nap?

*hugs hannah* Open University courses sound fun! Well done for managing to eat, birthday's do kinda become just another day as you get older. Makes me sad.

*hugs shadowedsoul* Don't be sorry, panic attacks are yukky, do you have any techniques to help calm you down?

*hugs bex* that sounds unpleasant.

*hugs Mammamia* Try to enjoy today.

I feel so wiped out today, again, I swear there's something wrong at the moment. However benefits are that mood wise I just am fairly go with the flow.

Too tired to reply individually. Sister woke me up >:( I swear she's on a mission to continuously piss me off.
*Goes out into smoking shelter for a morning ciggy*

Oh, and I forgot to say.
Yesterday marked seven months free!!

*grabs zowie and does the happy dance* well done on seven months free!

*hugs to everyone else on the ward* too tired for individual replies sorry.

------

Why must i constantly feel like c*** *snuggles teddy*

Very well done zowie!

*hugs everyone*

*curls up in a corner and bangs head into the wall*

Thank you :) x

*Hugs Shadowed* What's up?

x

OH GOD NO.

My mum has Facebook. She's just sent me a friend request. I don't know whether to accept it. We haven't spoken since she virtually accused my dad of killing my sister (bullshit), and I haven't seen her irl for three and a half years...

I've bitched about how I hate her. But then she'd sneak into my thoughts, I'd have dreams about returning to her place for a bit, and think - does part of me want contact?

Confused, bewildered, disorientated...I'm staying away from there today

Yeah, that's what Loz suggested. Nicole on the other hand was like 'OMFG DON'T ACCEPT D<'. I'll think about it more later, I'm hiding out on another account atm

yeah i that excatly what happens to me, i could be watching tv. and all of a sudden it start up. might be something to do with anxeity. thankd secrects, hmm no i dont have anyway to clam myself down, which make the pain in my chest worse,any things i could try, if i have a panic attack. ?

Sorry, too tired for individual replies but sending you all lots of loves and hugs and teddy bears.

My birthday tomorrow and I'm excited and also very anxious. I wish I could be normal and have a meal and a birthday cake and go out with my friends and stuff. I purged twice today, didn't really need to I just needed to vent my anxiety I suppose. I dunno. I'm trying not to dwell on it but I've just been worrying away all day.

Anyway take care all xxxxx

Happy Birthday Hannah :)

I'm feeling really ill and tied. Only I can't ****ing sleep woo :D Too tired to even talk about why I'm so upset & low. Fun. yay.

...now that all the doors have been shut in my face none can tell me I didn't try, no one can say I can't do it now. Now i can finally leave knowing i tried and THEY didn't care.

...........g

I have nothing, nothing. I am nothing...so i want to feel nothing.

hmm i have got no idea what the hell im doing, im really begin to regret doing this thing. okay in the long run it will be great. but right now i feel traped, and confused. im feeling really low again and i want to cut, something i havent thought about in a while. hmm mabye it was me pretending to be happy for 11 days,has started this off again. or maybe im just now relising how much of a comintment, i just put on myself. and was it worth it. im being to think no. it too late now tho. argh!!!! i dont know what im trying to say. hmm might just delet this afterwards. just needed to let out what was running through my mind. might get some peace then. or not. damnit im such a muppet. hits head hard. =[

It would be my mum's birthday today.
I'm staying positive for her, and for my dad - It's also father's day.

*hugs arwen* well done on 7 months btw. thinking of you today xx

sorry have beena bit absent. nets been haywire so that sucks. then have my exams tomorrow and next day. barely studied today >_< slowly starting to freak out =[