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-   -   Beyond repair. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=248931)

chinahorse 09-05-2019 06:59 PM

I still physically feel like shit. Mentally now feel horrendous. Can't do this anymore. Can't face work or anything tomorrow.

chinahorse 09-05-2019 07:20 PM

And now I'm crying. And I have no idea how to keep going and I am an idiot.

nonperson 09-05-2019 07:24 PM

I wish I knew the answers or how to help at all... Being both mentally and physically shit is an awful combination. Hopefully you'll start to feel better after the treatment today?

You are not an idiot. And you're unbelievably strong to keep going through all this. You can do it.

tamobhuuta 09-05-2019 07:25 PM

You're not an idiot, you are lovely. How's the treatment going?

chinahorse 10-05-2019 11:02 AM

I self harmed again last night. It was a very tough time.

Unfortunately I disnt feel better physically after the treatment. Fainted a few times this morning. When I finally got to work and fainted they took me to hospital. I was seen and then rushed through to resus where I've been told I need a blood transfusion. But I will probably be allowed home after.

one_step_closer 10-05-2019 03:15 PM

*gentle hugs* I wish you would fight yourself less. What do you think about probably being allowed home after? Is that what you think it best/what do you need right now?

chinahorse 10-05-2019 10:16 PM

I'm home now. Too tired to be anything but in bed. Today has been so strange.

Juella 11-05-2019 06:38 AM

Please, take care of yourself. You need some rest. Are you feeling any better now?

chinahorse 11-05-2019 09:01 AM

Very tired and have chest pain which I hope is just because I haven't had omeprazole in a few days. I really don't want to have to go back tk a and e to be told it's nothing.

Buttons. 12-05-2019 08:13 AM

I hope it isn't anything either but might be worth getting checked out, if hospital out of the question do you have a nearby walk in centre? Thinking of you.

chinahorse 12-05-2019 08:20 AM

I went back to the hospital yesterday. They think it's just strain from the anaemia and will get better on its own which is good.

Buttons. 12-05-2019 04:41 PM

Well done for going back glad the results were alright x

chinahorse 12-05-2019 04:48 PM

Thank you lovely.

I'm struggling to get my head around the events of the past few days and want to self harm again

Auror. 12-05-2019 06:52 PM

i'm thinking of you. i'm glad you got checked over again. i know that can't have been easy but it sounds like you did the right thing in going back. i hope you can be gentle with yourself and stay safe. your body sounds like it really needs time to recover.

chinahorse 12-05-2019 06:55 PM

I'm still doing it. I told htt and they seem to trust my judgement. I'm tired of feeling like I have to do it. I want a break from myself.

Thanks for your reassurance that it was ok to go back.

one_step_closer 14-05-2019 01:55 PM

How have things been Lillie? Are HTT offering you support right now? I'm sure you don't have to do the harmful things, but I understand feeling like you have to. Can you think of reasons why the 'have to' is there and challenge those reasons to show that you don't actually have to? Are there safe things that help you to feel like you're not stuck inside yourself as much?

Fire Fly 14-05-2019 11:46 PM

Would you consider a admission? Supported accommodation

chinahorse 15-05-2019 07:26 AM

Htt rang me twice over the weekend then discharged me.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. It did not go well at all.

Htt now want to see me again today.

I don't need an admission apparently as I have capacity and they can't stop me. I looked into supported accommodation before I went to the cassel. I'm basically not eligible because I'm not on benefits.

one_step_closer 15-05-2019 03:39 PM

I'm sorry your psychiatry appointment didn't go well. Did anything reasonable come of it at all? Do you know when HTT will be seeing you? If you think they can offer you anything useful then please try and let them know.

chinahorse 15-05-2019 09:48 PM

They are finally sorting me out a new care coordinator.

I saw htt today. They want to offer me support for 2 weeks, both with meetings and on the phone until hopefully I get my new cpn care co person.

I have to go back to the general hospital tomorrow. They were so nice to me on Friday. I'm scared they won't be nice this time. I'm scared they will notice I've been blood letting since. I'm scared no one will notice and I'll end up collapsing again though it's not at that point yet. If my body copes then it's permission to continue.

I've eaten like a pig tonight and I should purge.

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