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-   -   Beyond repair. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=248931)

one_step_closer 23-02-2019 02:02 PM

Please don't give up. If no one is fighting for you then you really need to keep fighting for you, to find the people that will be there for you.

About advocacy, Google search MH advocacy service in your area?

chinahorse 03-03-2019 03:12 PM

Hey all, Ive 3 appointments this week that are starting to make me anxious and I could do with someone to tell me the world isn't going to end.

tamobhuuta 03-03-2019 03:31 PM

The world is definitely not going to end! I hope the appointments all go well. Be brave, you can do this. Is there anything specific you are worried about?

one_step_closer 03-03-2019 03:49 PM

Yep, the world is not ending, although I can understand the feeling of huge anxiety. 3 appointments are a lot, I can imagine you have worries relating to each of them so you're having to worry about them all at once. I guess that's kind of better than having them more spaced out and carrying the worry over a longer term. When are the appointments? Is there anything you can think of that might make them slightly less anxiety provoking? I hope they go well.

chinahorse 03-03-2019 05:34 PM

Thanks guys.

Anxiety is kicking in hugely. I have the therapy appointment on Tuesday that I've been waiting months for. Then Friday I have a meeting with new support person and a podiatry appointment. I'm going to take Friday off sick as they won't give me time off. Which is also anxiety provoking.

And I'm a sweaty poorly anxiety belly meas.

Unbreakable. 04-03-2019 03:33 AM

*sends gentle cuddles*

one_step_closer 04-03-2019 02:05 PM

How are you doing today? Is there a way you can try and prepare for the appointments so hopefully you will have a little less anxiety, like writing stuff down for them?

tamobhuuta 04-03-2019 06:00 PM

Good luck for tomorrow x

chinahorse 05-03-2019 03:06 PM

Thanks guys. Had one appointment today. It went fairly well but am now exhausted. Feel guilty for not going back to work but I can't face it. I'm too tired.

tamobhuuta 05-03-2019 04:02 PM

That's ok, look after yourself.

one_step_closer 05-03-2019 06:13 PM

I'm glad the appointment went fairly well, I hope the other ones go well. It's definitely ok to take some time to rest, you've been full of anxiety about the appointments and that's bound to further drain you. Be kind to yourself.

chinahorse 10-03-2019 09:01 PM

I could do with something. I feel I don't matter unless I self harm. I'm insanely jealous of people who have recently. I want to self harm badly but I've work tomorrow and not enough money to go visit a friend next weekend AND go to a and e tonight. I want somone to tell me that I don't need to self harm for them to see I'm struggling. I'm really low and really really on the edge of cutting. I feel like a failure at life.

chinahorse 10-03-2019 09:02 PM

My meeting with my new cpn went terribly and I don't like her.

Juella 11-03-2019 01:38 PM

I'm sorry it didn't go well. What went wrong?

chinahorse 11-03-2019 02:02 PM

I don't know I can't quantify it I just feel it went terribly. Everything is terrible rn.

one_step_closer 11-03-2019 03:44 PM

I'm sorry everything feels terrible. Do you think you can give the relationship with your CPN a bit of time to develop and hopefully it will improve as you get to know each other? I know you need someone right now though. You do matter and you are not a failure.

chinahorse 11-03-2019 06:37 PM

I don't want to have to get to know someone else though. I know I sound like a spoilt child though.

Thank you.

I'm craving self harm. To be looked after.

one_step_closer 11-03-2019 06:40 PM

I understand that, it would be much better if you could have a longstanding supportive relationship with someone. I'm sorry you don't have that right now.

I also understand wanting to self harm to be looked after, and it's really sad that you feel like that's what you'd have to do to be looked after. What would being looked after look like/feel like? I hope there would be another way that you could get some comfort and support from someone.

chinahorse 11-03-2019 06:44 PM

Thank you.

I want someone to be with rn. Someone to spill my head to in person who understands. I'm not sure that's all of it but that's all I can verbalise.

one_step_closer 11-03-2019 06:46 PM

I know. A person, just someone there with you who listens and won't judge can be an amazing relief. Are there no people like that in your personal life right now? Are there any support services where you could talk to someone?

chinahorse 11-03-2019 06:55 PM

The last time I spoke to ooh I took an od that should have killed me because of them. I haven't got over how unhelpful they were.

I've message a friend. It says I want to die but don't think I'll act on it. Which is true.
And now I'm crying

one_step_closer 11-03-2019 07:07 PM

Oh Lillie. :-( I'm glad you've messaged a friend anyway. Is this friend usually helpful?

chinahorse 11-03-2019 07:11 PM

Not sure I can stay safe. I am so sad.

The friend is trying.

Juella 12-03-2019 05:31 AM

Are you okay? Did you manage to stay safe? I'm sorry everything is so tough and support is so hard to find.
Was your friend able to support you?

chinahorse 12-03-2019 06:30 AM

I ended up in A and E.

Eska 12-03-2019 07:30 AM

*hugs and love*

How are you doing now? Were they able to treat you and/or get you any support?

tamobhuuta 12-03-2019 10:26 AM

Sorry you had to go to A&E. How are you now? Sending love.

one_step_closer 12-03-2019 02:52 PM

I'm sorry you ended up in A&E Lillie. Did anything useful come of it? How are you now?

chinahorse 12-03-2019 05:50 PM

I got put back together. Went home. Slept for 3 hours and did an 8 hour work day. No point to see psych as they will just tell me I'm fine. I'm exhausted.

nonperson 12-03-2019 05:58 PM

Why do they tell you you're fine? =/

Can you get a super early night tonight?

chinahorse 12-03-2019 06:39 PM

I quote ' they know all about you and know you do this a lot and they're happy to see you but don't feel it's needed'

one_step_closer 12-03-2019 06:40 PM

Is there not some kind of policy that everyone who ends up at A&E for self harm etc should have a psych assessment? I know it doesn't always happen though. Will anything be passed on to the CMHT?

Edit: Ninja post. That's quite judgemental of them. I have experienced things like that too. It hurts.

chinahorse 12-03-2019 06:41 PM

I seem to be able to by pass it.

They will let the cmht know I think.

one_step_closer 12-03-2019 06:43 PM

Would you ever say that you would like to see psych since they are happy to see you, because you feel that it's needed?

chinahorse 12-03-2019 06:49 PM

No. They insist on seeing me if it was necessary.

one_step_closer 12-03-2019 06:53 PM

That's their opinion though. Without talking to you they would think it's 'just like every other time' but someone needs to really listen to what is going on for you to see that you need something more right now.

chinahorse 12-03-2019 06:55 PM

Thank you but I don't deserve more.

one_step_closer 12-03-2019 06:56 PM

You 100% do, but I can see why you'd feel that way towards yourself and it doesn't help that other people are doing things that increase your belief.

chinahorse 13-03-2019 08:31 PM

Am not ok. The cpn today said she doesn't think I'll be offered theray outside of 9-5. Even though therapy boss said I might be.

I don't want to work with this cpn. I don't like her. She makes me feel bad. I don't know what triggered my self harm other than stress.

Am having intrusive suicidal thoughts. Am feeling crap. And even more crap that I don't know exactly why.

Sorry this is ranting.

Juella 14-03-2019 07:58 AM

It's understandable that you're upset. Hopefully, something can be done about therapy. I understand being worried after being told you wouldn't get it, but I although think therapy boss might know better than your cpn, so let's not lose hope.

Sorry about your CPN. It sucks being stuck with a professional that makes you feel worse rather than better. What exactly does your CPN do that makes you feel bad? Does she make you more stressed?

I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad. With so much to handle and so little support, things must be really tough on you. I hope today treats you kindly, and will be a better day.

chinahorse 18-03-2019 05:47 PM

My cpn is just not understanding she makes me feel not listened to but I think its because I don't like her.

My leg is infected and my grandad is in hospital as he's had a heart attack and needs surgery.

I fell so awful. People aren't being understandin.

one_step_closer 18-03-2019 06:14 PM

I'm sorry you feel like people aren't understanding how things are for you. Are you talking to your family about how you feel about your Grandad at least? I hope the surgery goes well and you can have that bit of weight off your mind. Is there anyone at the CMHT you do get on with? I know what it's like feeling unheard, especially by your CPN when they provide the main support. Do you know what it is about her that you don't like/makes you feel not listened to? Would you ever let her know how you feel about the way she responds? Will you be able to get your leg looked at? Sorry for all the questions.

chinahorse 18-03-2019 06:39 PM

I only trust my psychaitrist now. Everyone else has let me down enormously. Again and again they let me down.

I just went to the Dr's and they don't have any appointments tomorrow or Wednesday so it's a sign to ignore it.

Managing to speak to family only to ask for updates.

chinahorse 18-03-2019 06:39 PM

I don't feel safe.

one_step_closer 18-03-2019 06:51 PM

What kind of unsafe? Do you need to let someone know?

I'm sorry people keep letting you down, do you know when you're next due to see your psychiatrist?

I don't think you should ignore the infection, would a pharmacist be able to offer some advice?

chinahorse 18-03-2019 07:00 PM

Like I'm stressed and I don't know how to cope and I want to self harm.

May I think.

Nothing they can do. I need antibiotics. But I got told to call up in the morning of its REALLY bad. It's not really bad. So I can't call.

one_step_closer 20-03-2019 02:00 PM

How are things Lillie?

chinahorse 20-03-2019 05:54 PM

Thanks for asking :)

Good and bad. Grandad is nearly out of hospital. But I have to wait until autumn for therapy. Told my new cpn I didn't like her and don't want to see her again today. Leg is infected and work is being an arse about me taking time off to get it looked at now I've realised its not gpi g away.

Im very down and very tired and very much want to cut again and just not go to work ever. The place saps the life out of me.

I'm exhausted of fighting.

Stellata 20-03-2019 06:42 PM

Do you have a care coordinator who can help navigate the CPN problem?

I hear how tired you are, how much you need rest. That's a long time to wait for therapy, but you can get through.

chinahorse 20-03-2019 06:52 PM

No. CC is technically the old cpn who left me withput telling me.

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