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-   -   Beyond repair. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=248931)

chinahorse 23-01-2019 07:25 PM

An appointment has been arranged with the therapists. But I'm not going. They can't order me about. They were ment to call and discuss a time with me. Not just make it. I'm no one's possession. And they made it for a time when I've already been denied time off work to go to a psychiatrist appointment. Who also haven't sent me a letter with a new appointment. Haven't heard anything from cpn.

Work is a joke. I'm so angry. I'm fed up and in such a rage. I just want to harm. But I have no time. I have responsibilities. Struggling to care though.

chinahorse 23-01-2019 07:26 PM

How do I deal with being so angry?

Auror. 23-01-2019 11:55 PM

I can understand your anger. Can you contact them and explain you were already denied time off and it needs to be rescheduled? That you need to be consulted directly because your schedule is not flexible?

chinahorse 24-01-2019 06:12 PM

I couldn't be bothered to call them.

I feel unsafe despite a friend making the effort to ensure that I am.

I just want space in my head.

Fire Fly 29-01-2019 06:18 PM

I’m sorry you feel this way.

I’m just wondering what you would services to do that is in its remit?

Are you able to identify what you think would help? Did you finish the cassel or did they end it prematurely? It sounds quite difficult situation you’re in. The cassel is tier 4 in the personality disorder pathway. The cygnet personality disorder units are tier 5. So if the cassel fail then patients are sent there for more support.

Do you think that you’re putting too much pressure on yourself to work as well as focusing on your health? To be honest, it’s not easy to live without a job and then cope with everything however if you aren’t able to focus on your health then you’ll never improve the situation your in.

It sounds things have been difficult with self harm. Did you learn amy DBT skills to try?


chinahorse 29-01-2019 06:58 PM

I did dbt when I was 16. The skills man nothing when it's cut now or do something worse later.

I did finish the cassel buy I don't feel I got anything from it.

I can't afford to live if I don't work. I have a cat and a house. I would loose everything if I quit my job. Working is not a choice. It's a necessity.

From services I want an appointment that's not the end of February for an assessment for therapy. I want to be on different meds. I want more support for things like applying for pip and or things like making sure I eat properly and leave the house other than to work. I want therapy that takes place outside my working hours in a venue I can get to. I want a crisis plan thats not call ooh which is a national helpline which ended in me taking a lethal level overdose last time I rang them. I want support thats not just get on with it.

chinahorse 03-02-2019 03:54 PM

I can't do this

one_step_closer 03-02-2019 04:05 PM

You are doing this Lillie, I know I keep saying it and I know it hurts to continue like this. Has anything changed support wise etc?

chinahorse 03-02-2019 04:06 PM

I never going to make it to ok. I'm never going to get qualified at work. I'm useless. And feeling very hopeless.

Nothing changed support wise. More waiting still.

one_step_closer 03-02-2019 04:09 PM

You're definitely not useless, and I hear your hopelessness but you're working so hard on things that surely you will get further forward at some point. What makes you think you won't get qualified at work? Has anyone been in touch with you from the CMHT?

chinahorse 03-02-2019 04:14 PM

I have no support at work from higher people. No one is witnessing anything from my course. I can't study without crying and panicking.

I'm seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow. Not hears anything from my cpn which hurts a lot.

I want to cut. No one is helping me. If I show them how bad I'm feeling they might help me. Maybe.

one_step_closer 03-02-2019 04:18 PM

Is there anyone at work you trust enough to confide in and see if they can speak to a higher up person about your concerns? Studying is hard enough as it is, what goes through your head when you try to study? Is there a way that you can get yourself into as relaxed a state as possible before you start and take regular breaks and rewards?

I hope it goes well with your psychiatrist. Do you know what you want to say? I'm sorry your CPN hasn't been in touch, I can relate to the hurt that brings. Would you mention that to your psychiatrist?

I understand why you're thinking that people might listen if you cut but you have been doing that and people haven't really heard you. I don't think you need to show people how bad you feel in that way, you shouldn't have to it's not fair. Have you spoken to anyone about how you feel that hurting yourself might be the only way for people to help you, that you feel like no one is helping you at the moment?

chinahorse 03-02-2019 04:27 PM

I can't do this. I can't. I want out.

I try to relax and study but I get overwhelmed this is why I failed uni so much.

Want a meds change. It's depressing taking so many.

Want cmht to care. Want to self destruct until someone is forced to care. I'm so sad.

one_step_closer 03-02-2019 06:05 PM

I know you are desperate and hurting so much. I wish someone would listen and give you what you need. Sorry I can't offer anything. Please hold on and keep reaching out, someone needs to listen at some point.

chinahorse 03-02-2019 08:53 PM

Thank you for validating my feelings.

Im so down and hopeless.

one_step_closer 04-02-2019 03:30 PM

How did your appointment go? You don't need to talk about it if you don't want to. I hope today is at least a little better for you.

chinahorse 04-02-2019 06:45 PM

Thank you for asking.

It was semi useful. I think my psychiatrist really gets where I'm at which is good. She's trying to hurry up the therapy meeting but as it stands it's not till March. She's going to get my care Co to contact me also as I've heard nothing for a few weeks.

Dr E is also going to talk to her supervisor to ask to titrate me from sertraline to duloxetine and then wean off aripiprazole. Then I met the gp and have a plan to come off gabapentin. I feel sort of positive about this.

Work continues to make suicide seem like a reasonable option.

one_step_closer 04-02-2019 06:49 PM

That does sound quite positive about the appointment, lots of plans but some waiting to see about things happening. It's a start. Is anyone offering any regular support at the moment or will that be up to your CC when she gets in touch?

I'm sorry work is so horrible and it's making you feel extra bad. You are so strong for facing it and you deserve to have many things sorted out that are causing you problems at work. Can anyone advocate for you?

chinahorse 04-02-2019 07:33 PM

I'm sick of waiting. It's not good enough. I've been waiting since October. I'm now self harming just to stay alive.

The psychiatrist called later and left a message to call back so that has me panicked and then my bank called which has made me so anxious.

No one is offering a place to talk other than here. Which I am thankful I have here but it's not professional support.

There no point at work. It will never change.

tiptoes 05-02-2019 09:53 AM

The waiting must be so difficult, I hope they can bring things forward so you don't have much longer to wait.

Maybe the psychiatrist is phoning to update you with an update after speaking to their supervisor? Do you think you could call them back?

chinahorse 05-02-2019 06:06 PM

I called the psychiatrist secretary today and she had no clue and was going to contact the psych so no further forward. Care Co still hasn't contact me.

Just got a message to say my therapist assessment appointment is confirmed for 5th March. I'm close to tears.

Auror. 05-02-2019 06:28 PM

Remember February is a short month, so really 5th March is 28 days away. It might be they had to set you an assessment time and then have put you at the time of the cancellation list? So last resort the 5th March is the latest it will be, and if they can arrange sooner, they will. But they still had to list/give you something set?

Will you be able to get off work for it?

chinahorse 05-02-2019 08:31 PM

It's a ridiculously long time! 3 days shorter than a normal month. That's it! I'm seriously upset.

Auror. 05-02-2019 09:12 PM

I'm sorry you are upset. I didn't mean to invalidate you. I hope you can figure out something sooner.

one_step_closer 06-02-2019 06:31 PM

Is there something that could be put in place that would help while you're waiting for the assessment?

chinahorse 07-02-2019 06:00 PM

I want someone to talk to.

And my brother is having surgery for appendicitis right now.

And my fibromyalgia is bad today.

And one of the wounds is very badly infected.

And I'm tired.
I just want someone to care.

tamobhuuta 07-02-2019 06:08 PM

Hi. I care. Not sure I can help but I care. Has anything good happened today? Is there anything good you are looking forward to? Even just sitting down with a cup of tea. It's not going to cure you, I know that.

chinahorse 07-02-2019 07:22 PM

I have good things probably but right now nothing seems ok or good.

I made some people laugh today which was good I suppose.

This life seems pointless. I am hopeless.

I'm meant to be going on duloxetine and coming off sertraline. But I don't kow how I'm meant to get the duloxetine. It's not on my repeats and there's still no way tk get in touch with my care coordinator.

tiptoes 08-02-2019 12:01 PM

Could you contact your GP surgery to see if they have received any requests from your mental health team about the new medication and if not they might be able to chase up the request?

Would keeping a list of small things help? I know it doesn't help with the feeling bloody awful but sometimes reminding myself that there are some moments in the day where I'm human and not confined by the feeling dreadful is helpful - the comment about making people laugh just reminded me of it.

You aren't hopeless but i know how hard it is when that is all you feel. Sorry I don't have any good words of advice.

chinahorse 10-02-2019 04:43 PM

I tried to sort out the meds thing by contacting the gp. We shall see if it's worked come monday.

The little things don't seem to be enough. I know that it's ment to help but it just seems to reinforce how pathetic my life is.

I feel very down today. My cc still hasn't contact me. I wanted her help to sort the meds thing. It seems I've been forgotten about and swept under the carpet again. AGAIN.

I feel so down. There's no light at the end of my tunnel. I do want help but I'm not getting it. Im scared I'm going to cut badly.

one_step_closer 11-02-2019 06:53 PM

Did your meds get sorted today? I know what you mean about little things not really helping, I think sometimes even when you put them all together they don't make a whole influential thing when you feel like there is so much pain and darkness in life. Hold on to the little things though, maybe there will come a day when it is the bad things that are small and the good things that are bigger. Have you heard from your CC? Is your GP quite good with your care? Maybe they could try and advocate for you with the CMHT etc.

chinahorse 11-02-2019 08:12 PM

Meds were sorted thankfully.

Work was absolute hell. And I'm exhausted.

It's mainly my care coordinator that is letting me down which is really sad as I let her it my life. The cmht at large are trying but I feel let down. I find the health service just close ranks aroundeach other.

I just want to curl up and never ever move again.

one_step_closer 13-02-2019 07:06 PM

How are you getting on with the med changes?

I know what you mean about not feeling properly supported by your CC, they are an important part of your care so that's not great. Has there been any progress?

chinahorse 13-02-2019 07:22 PM

The meds changes are making me so ill. I can barely eat so I've got a drs appointment for Friday.

No progress. Never any progress.

one_step_closer 13-02-2019 07:26 PM

How are you managing to work when you're feeling so unwell? I hope the doctor can offer something helpful on Friday. Will you be mentioning to your GP the stuff about your CC etc again?

chinahorse 13-02-2019 07:44 PM

I am scraping myself through. If I eat small tiny high calorie bites I can just about keep going. I don't have the choice to not go. The stomach pain and profuse hot sweaty flushes aren't fun at all. Nor is the not aleepi g properly. But like I said no choice.

I don't know if it's worth mentioning to the gp? I mean cc hasnt replied to me after the psychiatrist asked her to.

tiptoes 14-02-2019 08:36 AM

I think it is definitely worth mentioning about your cc to your gp.

Sorry the new medication is making you feel so grotty. I hope it passes soon or your gp has a useful suggestion. Thinking of you.

one_step_closer 14-02-2019 10:54 AM

Please do mention it to the GP if you feel able, hopefully if people keep pestering your CC something will be sorted out.

Do you have time for rest and breaks at work?

chinahorse 14-02-2019 10:57 AM

I shall mention it to my gp then. Hopefully something will come of it.

No time to do anything at work other than work. We are chronically majorly understaffed so end up running round like headless chickens.

one_step_closer 14-02-2019 06:13 PM

I hope it goes well with your GP tomorrow. Will you be able to take some time tomorrow to rest up too?

chinahorse 16-02-2019 10:16 PM

I'm nearly crying because the cc I trusted has left me. Everyone must hate me. I must be evil.

chinahorse 18-02-2019 06:33 PM

Can I kill myself now? I'm tired. I'm dreading every single moment of everything.

Buttons. 18-02-2019 08:33 PM

I can imagine how hard losing a CPN you trusted can be and you have every right to be upset, unfortunately life sometimes gets in the way for the CPNs, it is nothing personal and it is not your fault. I hope your next CPN is good, you deserve it.

Please don't kill yourself, although it's bloody awful right now believe me when I say things can and will get better, unfortunately you have to ride out a very heavy storm to get there, but I have faith that you will

chinahorse 19-02-2019 07:16 AM

Sorry I was feeling very emotional yesterday. I know that cpn change but it's more that they leave without warning and then the cmht forgets about me. It's not on.

I appreciate your kind words.

Auror. 19-02-2019 05:53 PM

I know it can be really hard and really distressing to have to change providers, especially when you got on with them and it's not by choice. That really sucks. I think you said though that your cc had been not great about following up with things for you though? Will you be given a new one? It might not be a bad thing (though still hard) because if you do get a new one they might be better about keeping up with you and helping you get what you need?

chinahorse 19-02-2019 06:02 PM

It's a small team. I don't know if they are giving me anyone else. I did ask someone to call me about it but they called outside the hours I told them I was available. I rioting. That was monday. Then they weren't in the office when I called today. So frustrating when I can't even speak to anyone to find out what's going on! Especially when I feel so down and low right now.

one_step_closer 20-02-2019 06:17 PM

They are being beyond rubbish, I can see that you need some proper support at the moment. I know I keep saying this and I can't really remember your response but can you get in touch with an advocate? I think someone needs to help you to fight for the support you need and deserve.

chinahorse 20-02-2019 07:17 PM

My problem is time. I work all the bloody time so haven't time to get an advocate. Or time to meet them.

one_step_closer 21-02-2019 07:11 PM

It might be worth even talking to an advocacy service on the phone and seeing if there is somewhere you can go from there.

chinahorse 21-02-2019 08:00 PM

I don't know where to find one.

Apparently I'm getting a new cpn. No one even told me the last one left. Can't tell me when but apparently I'll be invited to a meeting with my new one. All this off a receptionist because no one from my team could be bothered to talk to me.

I also had a very bad response to a complaint I put in. So I'm very upset. Very down. Thinking about just giving up now.

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