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-   -   Beyond repair. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=248931)

chinahorse 12-07-2019 10:27 AM

The appointment went ok. The gp wad very nice. He gave me some zopiclone and said he would sign me off if I wanted. We decided not in the end and to see how I go.

I did have a bad night last night with the man and messages. Some friends were worried not that I understand why really. I've taken today off work as I just couldn't cope with it. I feel like a failure.

Today I need to ring the new estate agent to sort out some things. Need to revise for my driving theory and crochet. Think that's all I'm going to manage today.

one_step_closer 13-07-2019 02:15 PM

I'm glad the GP was kind. You're not a failure at all. Did it help to have yesterday off work? How are you today?

chinahorse 13-07-2019 03:14 PM

It did help a lot to have a down day.

I was ok I had a good driving lesson earlier. I've started packing thpugh and feel very overwhelmed. I have so much stuff. And no time. And loads of other stuff to do.

one_step_closer 13-07-2019 04:49 PM

Is there no one at all who can help with some of the things? Or are there things that you can maybe leave for a little while and just get on with the things that are important right now? Moving is so stressful. I hope you can have some time to try and relax too.

chinahorse 13-07-2019 06:12 PM

Not really anything anyone can help with. I need to revise for my driving theory, in ish crocheting a blanket, pack a whole flat, go to an appointment and work 2 days between now and thursay.

nonperson 13-07-2019 06:38 PM

People could help with packing.

chinahorse 13-07-2019 07:24 PM

True. But I can't ask people that.

chinahorse 14-07-2019 10:19 AM

I asked and no one replied.

I feel exhausted and broken and stupidly overwhelmed by everything. The man is saying just to hang myself. It's the only way out.

one_step_closer 14-07-2019 10:57 AM

I'm sorry no one has offered to help. Well done for asking. Is there someone you could ask directly? It's not abnormal for you to be feeling overwhelmed with all this, it's so stressful. I don't think you should hang yourself, 100% definitely not. I know things are really hard right now and that might seem tempting but I believe you can work through this.

chinahorse 14-07-2019 09:23 PM

There's messages on the wardrobe in blood. Scrubbed them off. They say I'm doing it wrong. The script is written.

one_step_closer 15-07-2019 04:29 PM

That sounds scary. How are you feeling now?

chinahorse 15-07-2019 08:11 PM

It's been an ok day.

I have my driving theory tomorrow. I am exhausted and haven't studied for it.

Keep having stupidly vivid messages in the little sleep I do get.

one_step_closer 16-07-2019 10:16 AM

Good luck with today. I hope you get on well. Did you manage to get any sort of restful sleep?

Eska 16-07-2019 10:17 AM

I hope it goes well today Lillie

chinahorse 16-07-2019 11:35 AM

Lord knows how but I passed my theory.

Sleep sort of happened.

I'm knackered now. Need to pack more.

tamobhuuta 16-07-2019 11:41 AM

Well done! Is there time for a nap?

nonperson 16-07-2019 01:20 PM

Awesome, well done you! =)

chinahorse 16-07-2019 02:04 PM

I had a nap and packed some more of my kitchen. Stuff is pretty much done now. Just the deceptive last bits which will take forever.

one_step_closer 17-07-2019 03:09 PM

Huge well done with passing the theory!

Also well done with everything you're getting done.

How are you today?

chinahorse 17-07-2019 08:08 PM

Thank you.

Last day at work today. I feel incredibly overwhelmed with everything.

one_step_closer 18-07-2019 04:18 PM

There is a huge amount going on right now, no wonder you feel overwhelmed. Keep going. What do you have to do next?

chinahorse 19-07-2019 08:21 PM

I'm at my mums. Managed to sign the contract, get keys cut and picked up the van.

one_step_closer 20-07-2019 11:31 AM

How are you getting on at your Mum's?

nonperson 21-07-2019 07:15 PM

Hope moving is going as stress-free as possible. <3

chinahorse 23-07-2019 02:39 AM

I want to die. I can't sleep and have a headache from crying so much.

Juella 23-07-2019 02:54 AM

I'm sorry things are so tough right now. I see you are in a lot of pain and have a lot on your plate, and you must really want some respite. Please, don't lose hope, it can get better. Both the physical and the emotional pain can and will ease. Can you get in touch with someone supportive IRL to tell them how you feel?

chinahorse 23-07-2019 03:06 AM

I called a friend tonight. She helped a bit and listened to m be pathetic. My best friend is away though and it's her I need.

I should never have moved. I'm a pathetic looser who is dependant on others.

I can't even register at the drs until Wednesday. Then I can only get appointments on Wednesdays.

one_step_closer 23-07-2019 11:10 AM

You're bound to feel emotional at this point, you're not a pathetic loser and hopefully with time you will settle after the move and it could be really good for you. I'm glad that you spoke to your friend. When will you be able to speak to your best friend? How are you doing now?

chinahorse 25-07-2019 10:39 PM

I should never have come here. I could really use someone to talk to irl about how out of my depth I am. I'm trying to be positive. But I'm so so close to cutting.

nonperson 25-07-2019 11:18 PM

It's still early days, you've made some huge changes all at once and it will naturally take time to get used to. Things weren't good where you were before so would you really rather be in that place or this new place which has the potential for things to improve? I'm glad you're trying to be positive. What is it you're out of depth with? Will cutting really help?

chinahorse 26-07-2019 06:34 AM

That is true np. Things have the potential to improve here it just all feels so alien and I have no friends.

I'm out of my depth with the new job. I'm going to get my text book out today and try and decipher what I have to do with some equipment etc.

Cutting here would be a disaster. I'm not even sure if the MIU here would treat it as I cut severely. And as I can't drive yet I'd have to get the bus to a city to get it sorted at an a and e. I know its not the answer but it's how I cope. I have had no mh support for a while now and I'm struggling with the man.

one_step_closer 26-07-2019 02:39 PM

Did you manage to register with a GP? I'd hope you'd settle into your new job with time, are you really expected to know everything right away? Have you spoken to any of your friends again? Sorry about all the questions.

chinahorse 26-07-2019 05:14 PM

I feel like I should know more than I do for the job. I looked up some stuff in my textbook this morning. I need to look up some more stuff now.

I have a gp appointment on Wednesday.

The man says the watchmen are in the loft. The man says they are waiting for me. And they will kill my cat. I need to stop this. The messages in the radio are fuzzy right now but I hope they get clearer so I know what to do to purge evil. The man is saying I shouldn't take meds are they are iterfearing with the messages.

nonperson 26-07-2019 08:02 PM

You'll get the hang of your job stuff soon, I'm sure. Was looking stuff up in the textbook helpful?

Do you believe what the man says? I hope you're still taking your meds despite what the man says. He is wrong.

Auror. 26-07-2019 09:28 PM

I don't remember what mess you are on, but depending how things go with the new GP, is asking about a depot of any of them an option?

one_step_closer 27-07-2019 01:02 PM

Maybe the man is just trying to scare you since you're already feeling anxious and vulnerable. I think stopping your meds would actually make things worse for you. Please keep taking them and try and talk things through with the GP on Wednesday.

chinahorse 27-07-2019 06:00 PM

I feel like suicide is the only option. I am so sick of being alive. But I'm scared to die. I should never have come to this town. How do I undo this all?

one_step_closer 27-07-2019 06:02 PM

That's a horrible feeling to have, I know. Like being trapped in life. I don't think that suicide is your only option but I understand feeling that way especially when you don't know what other direction to go in. Do you think you might be able to settle where you are with time? What is it that you don't like about where you are now?

chinahorse 27-07-2019 06:03 PM

Im so out of my depth with my new job. I don't like it I seem to just be so shit.

chinahorse 27-07-2019 06:03 PM

`I miss my friends.

one_step_closer 27-07-2019 06:06 PM

You're not shit, you're starting lots of new things and that takes time to get used to. No one can do things right away. Do you have much contact with your friends?

chinahorse 27-07-2019 06:15 PM

Im talking to friends online. Not the same.

I should be better. Im never going to be good enough. I'm letting everyone down. I wish to not be here.

one_step_closer 28-07-2019 11:14 AM

Of course it's not the same, how far away are your friends?

You're judging yourself really harshly, I don't think you're not good enough etc. I'm sorry you feel so awful.

How are you today?

nonperson 28-07-2019 12:16 PM

What was it like when you first moved to your old place? Was that difficult too? Did you know anyone there? Was your job overwhelming? Just asking because these are all normal things to feel when doing a complete life overhaul, which you have done. Please don't give up. I am absolutely certain you can get through this, become more confident in your job, get the mental health help you need and make new friends. It takes time... and from reading your r/v it definitely will take longer than a week (being realistic) so please hold on. Wednesday isn't far off now.

chinahorse 29-07-2019 04:47 PM

I lived in plymouth for like 9 years and I went for uni with friends so was never friendless. My job was overwhelming but there was people to help and to ask.

I feel hideous. I honestly feel so so low that I can't even explain it. I don't know what to do. I've been holding on for months and months now.

Juella 30-07-2019 03:22 AM

I don't have many words, but I understand and I'm sorry things suck for you right now. Sending good wishes your way. Hope you'll feel at least a little bit better soon.

chinahorse 31-07-2019 11:25 AM

New drs is shit. Can't even get through to speak to anyone at my old cmht to see if they've transferred my care. I have so much left to do and I'm really upset.

Juella 31-07-2019 12:35 PM

Why you don't like the new dr? Do you feel like you can talk to them about your issues at all?

chinahorse 31-07-2019 01:25 PM

She barely listened to me. Rushed me. Won't prescribe my meds or refer me to the cmht or do my depot. Have to make appointments with 3 separate people over the next few weeks. Because I have time for that. And I couldn't even book in yo see the mental health nurse. So fuck know what I do now. I apparently have to wait until she sees me. Oh and I have to refer myself for therapy. Involved a phone call which I made. Can't get the assessment for 3 weeks to even get on the waiting list.

one_step_closer 31-07-2019 02:10 PM

That's really rubbish. :( Will you keep trying to get through to your old CMHT? Maybe they could do something to speed things up a bit.

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