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*finds April and cuddles her*
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Hmm still feeling low, kicking myself for not going to work today. I'm so weak and pathetic. I hate myself so much, need to get away argh!!!
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*sits yawning*
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*pokes head in* no one's been around for almost 2 hrs now,eh? hmmm... *goes for a walk in the garden*
I've gotten a ton of work done today me thinks (not that it's looked like it) but now I'm worn out with another 45 min to go before walking to the transit center and taking the bus home. |
*huggles/wave at all wardies*
anxiety is still high this morning. just walking out onto the balcony is setting me off. debating whether to wake up my housemate. on one hand he'll be upset if i don't. on the other i don't know how to explain to him ... even though he helped me through yesterday. just wish i knew what to do . . . |
*curls up in corner* damn it's 1am I'm wide awake again great,got way to many thoughts running through my head, all really stuiped. Freaking out about work again hell knows why. I'm getting pissed off with this now can somebody make it go away please. =[
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*gives out lots of cuddles to all who can accept*
I'm falling apart, can't cope, this has been one bloody stressful day, just don't need it right now. Can't do it, just want to die, cant deal with the responsibility, pressure and looking after and supporting others, just can't anymore, sorry. *hides* |
*hugs everyone really tight* [apart from those who don't want me to]
*cuddles Oliver, hang in there sweetie* *holds April* believe in yourself babe, one day at a time [my standard line, but well worth trying I reckon* *sits quietly in the ward and stays out of harm's way* |
*hugs Oliver* I'm sorry that you are feeling so badly. You can make it through these feelings though. Don't worry if you can't handle supporting right now. Keep talking to us if it'll help.
*hugs April* Just keeping focusing on res. It'll happen if you really need it too, which i think you do. *hugs Jill* its hard when your head won't shut down. I struggle with this a lot too, especially late at night. *hugs Kahlia* I'm sorry that your anxiety level is so high. I think you should tell someone if it will help. Glad that your housemate was able to help the other day. *hugs Amy, Kat, and Crimson* *hugs JK* One day at a time is good advice. Hang in there hun. I'm really anxious too right now. Stupid stupid me. Friend is coming over tomorrow night (which i guess is technically tonight now since its 2am) to talk. I'm going to try to be semi-honest I think. Oh.. and my sister called me again tonight b/c my mom was in the background yelling in pain. It was hard to hear. I feel bad for everyone, my mom, sister, dad. They don't know what's wrong though and there isn't much anyone can do. |
*Hugs everyone who can accept them*
*Waves to everyone else* My mind hasen't yet decided how I feel today , got a SW meeting at 10am hmmm . Does anyone else simply NOT KNOW how they feel sometimes ? I guess it beats feeling low but I could easily revert to feeling low Hmmmm Sorry I didn't do any replies I'm waking up |
*huggles for everyone*
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*waves/hugs all*
so sick of this anxiety. the xanax is the only thing that is keeping me going and i'm freaking out at everything. noises, movement, things where they should/shouldn't be, anything that happens suddenly, leaving the house, having to walk outside the house, even just sitting outside on the balcony now. everything just seems to set me off. i keep getting shaky when i've had to leave the house, or when i've had a minor/major "freak out". i can't keep living like this but i don't know what to do. |
guhhhh up at 5am... but i did go to bed/sleep at 7pm, so maybe i won't be utterly exhausted today?
mark, yes, i understand what you mean, once again. :) it can be very confusing not knowing how you feel and having it be able to go either way (to good or to bad). hopefully you'll feel okay again today and your talk with your sw won't trigger you. *cuddles and curls up next to* kahlia *cuddles* am sorry that you're having such a hard time with anxiety... i am too, actually. it's been pretty bad lately, but probably - as i said awhile ago - because i cut one of my dosages of antianxiety meds in half due to not ordering it on time!! stupid me. :( it still hasn't come either... grrrrr. anyway, sorry, that turned into a talk all about me. :-/ i guess because i'm not really sure what words of encouragement to use... :( *extra special encouraging huggles* *cuddles jk* thanks, love, for the encouragement... one day at a time is right. maybe even one hour, one minute at a time, depending on the day. :( how are you doing?? haven't heard much about how things've been. ♥ *cuddles laura* i hope that your time with your friend goes well... talking about "stuff" should help some i think... i hope. sorry no other words, i'm really tired right now & just waking up too. *cuddles jill* i guess i'd say force yourself to do something you don't want to do, and go to work. that's what jarrod's told me about my internship. if i don't want to go, then i go anyway - that's how "real life" works. idk, i don't want to sound cruel or harsh in any way... :-S *cuddles oliver* what's up, love? please don't give up... talk with us, as someone else said, if it helps. i'm really tired. shouldn't have gotten up so early but i had a cramp in my calf and nightmares so it wasn't like i was going to be going back to sleep anytime soon. grrrr. i hate nightmares!!! :( they suck beyond all belief. anyway... not sure what to say as i'm not sure how i feel yet - too early to tell, not yet 5:30am - so i will leave off here. just tired for now i guess. and a little low. i have therapy later today... am nervous about that. :-S |
Been to collect my meds , did they inclde my Diazepam? Nope, I'm so pissed off why can't they ever get this right ? , Triggered me to be angry and low , I'm gonna lie down for a bit I need the headspace.
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hugs april, you didnt sound harsh or unkind at all, your completley right. i need to go back to work even if i dont want to. or at least untill i workout how i can get this plan i have to work, i keep hitting bumbs and getting derailed at the sec and it sucks, or someone in my real life points out faults with the plan, and makes me think it will never work. so i guess right now i need to paint a happy face on, and pretend everthings okay. sigh
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*hugs Mark* I'm sorry that they messed up your meds. You seem to have bad luck with this type of thing :-/ Hope that you feel better after laying down for awhile.
*hugs April* Good luck at therapy. Let us know how it goes. Nightmares really do suck. Sorry that you had one last night. *hugs Jill* Hate to say it but sometimes "painting on a happy face" is the best thing to do in a work situation. I pretend to be functioning really well when I'm at work, its hard sometimes, but it keeps me employed. And work can also be a semi-decent distraction at times if you are busy.. better than my uni work is lol. *hugs Jess* How r u? *hugs Kahlia* Im sorry that your anxiety is so bad. Wish there was something I could say to help. Can you tell your psych/GP or some other professional about it? *sits in the corner quietly and watches for anyone to come around the ward.* Have to try to get some of my online class done today. Oh goody *sarcasm* |
*Hugs Laura* I've been in bed the most of the day , I just feel so low , feeling okay yesterday was my mind playing a cruel prank on me , now it's back to crap crap crap , it's like it was saying you could feel okay but STOP NO we( My mind) won't let you
How are you Laura ? *Hugs Jill* |
hugs to everyone
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*hugs Mark* It really sucks when you are struggling and all the sudden you feel like things could potentially get better but it barely lasts a moment. That type of thing happens to me all the time. I hate it.
*hugs louise* how r u today? I'm..... I don't really know. My thoughts are still bouncing around confused. Anxious about talking to one of my friends tonight, worried that my mind will just shut down like it usually does. |
i could be better, thank you for asking. how are you
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i spy a mark!! *glomps*
therapy was okay. we did a mindfulness exercise, same one we did last week, and it was helpful. she thinks it might be a good idea for me to go into hospital until i go to res to help me stop cutting (she obviously has no idea how long the waiting lists can be). guhhh. i was afraid of that. :( i'm not going to hos though, first off because we don't have the money, and secondly, i'm not cutting very badly and it's not out of control. or at least, that's what i tell myself. but my internship is done!!!!! all i have to do now is write a report to hand in to my faculty supervisor, and post online at the uni website for internships about my last week (that part should be easy). grrr on the report though... :( but yey for being done!! am so happy about that... now on to cleaning up the apartment and packing away loose stuff so we can bug-bomb the place after daniel's vet's appt. >_< gotta love having fleas. guhhhh, could so do without them... :( *hides in a hole* |
*hugs all*
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*sneaks in and hides in a corner*
reality as a way of life is highly overrated. |
dont wanna do this anymore. sick of it. sick of it all. bloody stupid system. why cant it be just me and rosie like before. Why did she have to tell the police. I hate it. I hate her, I BLOODY HATE HER.
Somebody help me die. please. |
*offers Amy a hug*
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guhhh reality as a way of life is highly overrated. am so ****ing sick of life right now. :'(
and am so anxious, tense all over, feel so stupid. help me die too please?? :'( :crying: |
*cuddles April*
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is very lonely around here today.
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yeah, it is lonely in here. sorry, i've been off and on today.
so anxious right now it's not even funny. (then again, it's never funny.) just finished "alice in wonderland" (the movie) and it was okay, but still triggering... gahhh. feel awful right now, just want to sleep... so sick of life at the moment. *cuddles crimson* *hides in a corner and cries here because she can't cry irl* |
updated r/v for anyone who cares... it's a long entry so beware, and kind of repetitive...
:'( |
will try to read later april. *cuddles some more*
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thanks, love. *cuddles back* how're you?
an' i spy a kahlia!! *glomps* hehe... :) |
Don't know why I ****ing bother.
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what's up, hels? bother with what? *cuddles tight*
i'm sorry if it's seemed like i've been ignoring you... haven't been on purpose. :( |
Yeah it has felt like that actually, amongst everyone else, sorry if that upsets you (or anyone else) but it's the way I ****ing feel. I know we're all struggling, so can understand not asking me how I am, but no need to ignore my hugs/presence, surely?
I'm pissing everyone off tonight, I'm going to ****ing get offline because I'm just going to keep making it worse. Should just **** off & die, I'm a piece of worthless **** after all. Not ****ing amazing or special or anything else people say that I am. So ****ing FED UP OF THIS ****ING ANXIETY AND LOWNESS. I RUINED IT TONIGHT. I ****ING RUINED IT BECAUSE I WAS LETTING IT HOLD ME BACK. *hides and sobs* |
hels, sweet, i'm so sorry that it's felt like that... i understand why, too, and i wish i could make it better. you are amazing and lovely, you just can't see it now where you are... i'm sorry. i wish i could make everything better for you and for everyone else in here. i did miss you whilst you were on vacation, and i'm sorry that i didn't express that sooner than now. you are not a piece of worthless ****... you may certainly feel like (i do too, guhhh) but that is not who you intrinsically are.
what do you mean, you've ruined tonight because of anxiety/lowness?? *extra special cuddles if you don't mind?* |
oh and you're not pissing me off... just so you know. :)
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*cuddles Helen* Sorry it's all i can muster currently...
as for how i am april...i don't know *points to vets support thread* i'm a little of everything at once I think. |
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well, i'm going to be stubborn and stick to the truth that says you are not a piece of worthless ****. :) i'm sure that everyone in here would agree with me... whether or not you believe them/me is up to you, however, i would rather believe the good than the bad. i know that we both have masochistic tendencies and prefer to believe the worst about ourselves, but where does that get us? sorry if it seems like i'm "preaching" at you, i'm just saying what i know is true. *cuddles* i'm sorry that you ruined the mood of a conversation by being too anxious to open up, but sometimes that's how it goes... i am not by any means making light of your situation, but sometimes it's just not the right time to open up, if that makes sense.
sorry, i'm rambling now and probably making no sense at all... :( |
Not safe right now... but I wanted to say:
*hugs helen* If I've ignored you at all I'm sorry. I also missed you while you were gone. You are not worthless though. People won't admit it b/c it's not true *hugs april* i'll read your r/v in a bit *hugs crimson* hope you are alright. |
laura, love, please please please try & stay safe... *holds you gently* read my r/v whenever, it's not a priority. your staying safe is a priority.
*cuddles all* |
Thanks april *cuddles* I read it, just to let you know. I don't really have any advice at the moment... my head isn't really working that well. sorry.
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*cuddles to all who can accept* sorry I will catch up with replies and reading rv threads when I can.
Life atm is getting way too much, major stresses in my life, depression also getting worse, cutting a lot more again, plus my gf has been through so much. The following content has been hidden - Reason : possibly triggering abuse
plus with dealing with all my own stuff, but then I feel bad that I'm effected by my stuff, cos its not as bad as what has happened to her, so I feel I should just be able to dela with it and get over it and I can't and I feel like a failure, I'm sorry everyone. Also I have to be out of my halls on sunday morning and have no where to live yet, viewing tomorrow morning though which I hope we can get, but that on top of everything else, I'm just falling apart. *hides* |
*hugs all and waves at those who can't accept hugs*
*leaves special hugs for Helen and all those who are struggling right now* sorry for the lack of individual replies. i just want to say to oliver - i've been on the other side of the fence (situation with your gf) and it's no easier for her. maybe talk to her about what you can do? i don't know, maybe just being there will be enough, letting her know that you will be there and you won't "run away". try and keep the lines of communication open. but remember to take some time for you, as it is/and will be really hard on both of you. i just want to send you some special "virtual hugs" in this troubling time. sorry, not really feeling up to much at the moment. i'm living on xanax. i had been trying to keep off them as much as possible so that i could move to a pain patch and reduce the amount of pain meds i was on but with the anxiety basically keeping me in the house it's no longer an option. i don't know what's wrong with me. i'm scared to walk out onto my balcony. my muscles tense into the "flight or fight" response just by walking down the stairs. i had to go to the docs today and they pushed my appointment forward because i told them about my anxiety. i feel incompetent. like a massive waste of space. like nothing is worth it anymore. sorry. i'm just wasting your time. sorry to the one or two of you that read this. i'll just go back into hibernation. |
Kahlia, you're not wasting our time sweetie *cuddles tight*
Oliver, if it helps, I have a very close best friend who was attacked in the same way on the same date. So last year when it came round, we just tried to do our normal activities which was watching X Factor & talking on MSN. I think it helped distract her, but she knew I was there if she wanted to talk about it or anything. Don't know if that helps at all?? Laura, I hope you kept safe sweetie. April *cuddles tight* Sorry for last night. |
*hugs oliver* I think that kahlia and helen both make good suggestions. I wish i had more advice. Sorry. But I am thinking of you
*hugs kahlia* i always read hun, and you are definitely not a waste of space. Sorry your anxiety is so bad. Glad that you have a doctors appointment soon. *hugs helen* No need to be sorry hun. Its hard when you are feeling invisible. How r u doing today? It's 3:30am. I should sleep. Stupid me. My friend did come over for a few minutes, but it was very short so i didn't get to talk about much. I put a little bit in my r/v if anyone is interested, but its really not much. Still not really safe, even after a SI-ing a little bit. Hoping if I can get to sleep it'll pass maybe. At least for a few hours anyway. |
I'll go read your R/V thread in a minute, need to catch up with a couple anyway. *cuddles tight* Look after your wound sweetie. I'm feeling pretty **** :/ Hope you get some sleep soon x
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*Hugs April* Internship over , woo hoo !!!
*Hugs Helen* *Hugs Laura* *Hugs Louise* *Hugs Kahlia* *Hugs Oliver* *Hugs Crimson* Sorry no words I am trying to get out of bed but feel so low I think I'll just crawl back into bed until midday then force myself up . I'm so pathetic , I don't even know why I'm so low , Brain chemistry I guess. At least in bed I can't harm , not that I have the focus to do even that ! :S I'm just gone 11am and I'm up , I don't know if thats a good thing , at least I'm trying I guess |
Sorry feeling very unsafe.
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