*cuddles JK* thank you, but I don't feel talented or lovely.
sorry your not feeling too good, hope your doing better now. also thanks for explaining what flat white is, because I was getting so confused and just thought I was being stupid, never heard of the term before though. I hope your appointment goes ok.

*cuddles April* I'm glad your speach went ok, but I'm sorry you harmed in class, make sure you look after yourself. is there anything else you can do to distract yourself in class instead of harming? your not an epic fail, your lovely and kind and a great person.


*hugs mark* night. hope you sleep ok.

*cuddles crimson* how are you doing?

*cuddles Helen* you ok?

my internet is going to go in about 5 mins, I hate this, its horrible especially for a depressed insomniac to have nothing to do at night. I hope you all have a good day/night and I will see you all again in the morning.

No I'm not ok. Hope you get through tonight okay Oliver. *cuddles* x

*cuddles Oliver* I'm doing ok so far today. Finding lots of files and searching for the ones the office's black hole ate... gonna swing by the gym again after work. See if I can't get in shape and tone as well as finding something to keep me occupied and happier. And you are talented and lovely... How are you? I hope you get this tonight but I think your net was cut off already...
*hugs wardmates*

*cuddles up next to Helen* What's up?

Off to the gym and home...
Good morning/afternoon/night everyone *hugs all around*
I'll be back tomorrow morning. :)

*hugs everyone*

I'm going to go for a walk to the store. I don't really want to go but last night when we went to the beach I noticed as we were leaving that I started having the "I can't leave the flat" thoughts. Tomorrow I have to go to physio ... and I really don't want to. At the moment all I really want to do is curl up in bed and not talk to anyone. Just lay there until I disappear ...

My thoughts start to run in circles - I eat too much, I weigh too much, I need to SI etc. Then I get scared by other people and by things such as leaving the flat - even just to go to the letter box.

Just so damn over living. But I'll stop whining and complaining now and return you all to your regularly scheduled programming.

*Hugs Kahlia* Sounds like me so I can totally empathise if that makes you feel any better*Extra Hugs for Kahlia*

*hugs Mark* - Thanks. Although I'm sorry that you can empathise. I really wish it didn't have to be this way ... for any of us.

*hugs everyone*

Mark hope you got up ok for your appointment and it went OK. Take care of yourself today 'k?

Helen, sweetie, how you going today? I really pray you had no nightmares and that your friend is doing a little better *cuddles Helen gently and looks after her*

Kahlia - did you manage to get out and about? It is totally the right thing to do to nip those feelings in the bud, so good on you for recognising the signs. *hugs*

*follows Crimson to the gym* yeah, I need to get back to my regime, endorphins really help hey. Supposed to be cycling early tomorrow so hopefully it all goes to plan. How did you go tonight? [substitute with last night I guess lol]

*hunts out April and shares a tuppa and a good chat* how you doing hun?

*lays out cuddles for Laura & Nicole and any of their friends who may wander in with them*

Oliver, I understand your frustration with your internet issues *nods furiously* mine has been so slow tonight its really annoying me.

I'm doing ok, had my first session with my new p-therapist today. She has taken a gently gently approach with me, which made the session pretty easy but hasn't instilled me with confidence for a speedy recovery.

Off to bed pretty soon, see you all in your time zone real soon

*yawns and takes hangover to bed*

JK: A speedy recovery isn't always a good thing. In the majority of cases it means that the most pertinent issues have been neglected. Take the time to get to know her, and then maybe she will change or you can broach a change, of approach. Sorry if that doesn't make sense. Oh, and in answer to your question, yeah I made it down to the store and got what I needed to (as far as I could). I did some house stuff first (taking my housemate's washing down and putting it on the line) to kind of gear myself up. We even took the bus into the city to get the necessary paperwork for my housemate ... and ended up walking home! I know it's the right thing to do - to get out and about and make myself see that nothing bad will happen - I just wish it was easier.

Mark: I hope you are okay, and you're appointment went okay.

Helen: How are you? How are things with your friends?

Crimson: I wish I could afford to go to the gym. I hope you had a good session.

April: How are things with you sweetness-and-delight?

Oliver: I'm a total geek and get incredibly frustrated with any problems with the internet (speed/download issues/etc) so I can empathise.

Nicole, Laura_Star, Laura_Friend, anyone else who walks in or who I've forgotten: How are you doing?

For everyone: I sometimes wish I could spend some time IRL with all of you. Offer you a hug, a cup of coffee/tea or just have a chat. I guess I can't do that, but I just wanted to tell you that I think you are all special, no matter what is going on for you. *group hug*

*cuddles everyone*

JK, glad that your appt with your new therapist went well. I agree with Kahlia, speedy recoveries aren't usually the best... it takes time to get better and truly resolve each issue. Of course, this is problematic if you only have a limited number of sessions but it doesn't sound like you do (?). *cuddles* Hope you have pleasant dreams tonight... and I'm sorry that your internet is/was so slow!! That frustrates me too... heh... and to think that I used to think that dial-up internet (vs. broadband) was fast!! :P hehe...

*cuddles Kahlia* Glad you got out & about and got some exercise. That had to feel kind of nice at least, a good healthy sort of tired if you were tired at all. :) How are you feeling? and (sorry if this is a too-personal question) what type of ED do you have? BN/AN/EDNOS? just wondering... sorry...

*cuddles Mark* Hope your appt goes/went well today... forget what it was for? lol, I'm such a lazy butt... :( Anyway... any plans for the day other than that? and how are the SI urges?

*cuddles Hels* Why aren't you okay, sweetie? what's up?

*cuddles Crimson* Glad that you made it to the gym... good for you!! :D (at least, I'm assuming that you made it to the gym, sorry for the assumption if I'm wrong!!) It will be good for you in the long run, even if it's shortterm pain... remember... "shortterm pain for longterm gain" ... gotta remember that myself as I want to get in shape, lose XXlbs by next January (random date that I picked) and have a 6-pack (and not of beer... lol) by my 23rd or 24th birthday. :P I want to look sexy and feel sexy... instead of feeling like a fat BLOB. But anyway... /tangent.

*cuddles Laura and Oliver* How're you doing, loves? :)

I'm really tired... and frustrated... gonna write about it all in my r/v thread in a moment I think, as it is a bit long and involved for this thread. Just ANOTHER upset with my bestie... I don't know, maybe I'm getting more sensitive to things or she's getting sick of being around me but it ****ing HURTS. :'(

*hides*

*cuddles everyone & curls up*

I can happily report no nightmares. Wasn't a good night last night at all. But my friend was awake a couple of times, but she's still not 100%. I feel like utter ****.

It doesn't matter. I don't matter.

*curls up and hides*

Updated r/v thread with last night's story... :'(

*cuddles* Will go read it sweet

*cuddles Hels* You DO matter, sweetie... I'm so sorry that you had a **** night last night... is there anything I can do to help?? *more cuddles*

No. Nothing. Because nobody can wave magic wands. Nobody can shoot me. I don't deserve anything. *cuddles*

*hugs April* My appointment went ok but it turns out it was my last session with her ( Psychcologist) , she has really helped me sometimes and I knew it would end at some point but I would rather have been told "it will end in 3 sessions" or something so I could brace myself a bit , ah well . I still feel numb and am getting S.I. urges :(

*Helen* You TOTALLY matter . I'm glad you had no nightmares .

You do deserve whatever I could do to help... I wish that I had a magic wand!! *cuddles gently* We'll all make it through... someway or another.

I'm so ****ing anxious right now... my body is shaking a little and I'm trying to get enough oxygen... I HATE being like this!! :crying:

Awh Mark, that really sucks that the sessions ended!! Did she give you an explanation why?? and it's really shitty that there was no forewarning!! :( *cuddles* How are you feeling today??

Sorry your sessions ended Mark, not like them to not give warning *cuddles*

Sorry you're anxious April, you'll get through this *cuddles*

Well I was told a while ago that the sessins would end but I didn't know until the end of todays that today would be it. The explanation being that she has a long waiting list which I suppose is fair enough.
I feel a bit numb :( my social worker is coming later I don't know what to say to him , it stresses me out not knowing what to say.

Mark: *big hugs* Wow, that's a rather abrupt way to end a series of sessions, regardless of their number. From what you wrote I'm guessing you weren't aware it was your last? It's alot more normal to say "we have x sessions left" so that both you and the tdoc can get through the necessary closure stuff (both the cognitive and emotional). Sorry got a bit wordy there.

Helen: *offers you a cuddle and sits with you* I'm glad you had no nightmares. I'm also glad your friend is showing signs of improvement. I know that from where you are right now you probably won't believe this my dear, but you do deserve good things. And that includes the love and support of your RYL family and friends.

April: Yeah, the exercise was good. I didn't really get tired. A couple of times my legs threatened to give out on me. The biggest issue was with going to the store and having to carry the groceries home. The check-out-chick put all the heavies in one bag while talking to the person who had been in the line before me, and had then tied it off. I couldn't open the bag and struggled to put my hand in, which made it harder on my poor L hand - the only one that can carry anything heavy. As to the ED, I'm technically in "recovery" from AN.

Wow that still sucks Mark. *cuddles*

*cuddles Kahlia* Thanks. I don't understand how I feel. Feel so low I think. Just want someone to take care of me :'( But it doesn't matter. I'll be fine. I want a lot of things I can't have right now. **** this. **** it all :'(

Helen: *cuddles you gently* It's okay sweetness. You are right, you will be fine. But you've got to be able to cut yourself some slack when you aren't 100%. Don't stress yourself about not being able to understand how you feel. Maybe just write down a couple of words. Don't worry if they aren't perfect. Just a couple of words every time you happen to think of them. Something to describe how you are in the moment. I don't know, I'm not a tdoc. But if you don't understand or can't really explain it could just mean that there is a lot going on inside you. Maybe a lot of conflicted emotions.

*cuddles Kahlia* I think I've reached the point I didn't want to go. But properly. We'll see.

Gahh I still feel like ****, even though I curled up in bed for awhile. Talked with Vince (personal trainer & close friend, our WoW GM that we met in January :D) for awhile after texting him a slightly worrisome message... I dunno, I just don't want to be here anymore and that's basically what I told him. :( He said that I'm a wonderful person blah blah but that's SO HARD TO BELIEVE. :'(

I just want to give up... :'(

*Hugs April*Vince is right , you ARE a lovley person , I wish you could beleive that .I beleive it of you.

*cuddles april* you are a wonderful person! Its good that ur talking to people. Im sorry that your friends upset you.. I dont think it was very nice for the one to try to play a trick on you.

*gently hugs helen* Im sorry your not doing well hun.

*hugs kahlia, mark, JK, crimson, oliver, and anything else that is around* how is everyone doing?

Sorry that I didnt do many individual replies, Im kinda in a hurry this morning... class and then lunch with one of my friends... which will prolly turn into a vent session about all the f***kin drama out here. I feel like im back in high school with how ppl are acting. Anyway, I messages one of my friends and told him I needed to talk to him... as of right now i am hoping that i am able to tell him what is going on with me, rather than lying about how i am like ive been doing the past few weeks. He told me awhile ago he was impressed by how well ive been handling everything that is going on with me and I almost feel kinda guilty that he thinks that, b/c its a lie... Idk... I might chicken out and automatically put up a mask.. but i think i might try to talk to him.

*hugs Laura* I hope you can talk honestly to your friend and not put your mask up automatically , it really might help to speak with someone , Good luck :)

*hugs April* I agree with Mark & Vince.

*hugs Laura* Hope you can talk to your friend & stuff.

Am attempting to make myself make phone calls >.> Dreading this. Hate it :@ So many phone calls to make...

*Hugs Helen* Good luck with your phone calls

Thanks. Already made one. Shaking. Pathetic much?

*hugs* you're not pathetic Helen , I'm sorry you are shaking . do you have any cammomille tea or anything that could maybe calm you ?

No. I'll be fine. Just being silly :( *hugs*

*hugs everyone*

*hugs Hels* I have the same problem when I have to make phone calls. 9 times out of 10 I have to write down almost exactly word for word what I want to say or I just freeze up. Keep it up gurl, you're doing well.

*hugs April, Mark, Laura & anyone I've missed*

Man I wish I could sleep. I keep trying but I just can't nod off. My brain just won't shut down. The program it's running isn't anything bothersome, but it just won't let me sleep. *grumble, grumble*

*tries to find a nice, dark corner of the ward in which to curl up and go to sleep*

*cuddles Kahlia* I'm sorry you have the same problem, it sucks. I have the annoying problem of that I can't hear that well anyway!! Plus making phone calls, make me anxious & stress me out. Or perhaps it's the thought of it? Keep trying to ring this place about my jobseekers claim but I keep putting the phone down :/ Blah >.>

Hope you can sleep soon sweetheart *snuggles*

*Makes Kahlia some Rooibos Tea*

My Social Worker is 20 minutes late and not answering his mobile ............ he just rang ! he won't make it today but will be here at 9am tommorow! ugh .

*hugs Helen* - How are you going with that phonecall hun? Remember: big, deep breaths. If you need to, walk away from the phone. Then when you walk back, just try again. You'll get there darl. Just don't get angry at yourself. Phone anxiety can be a b*tch, especially if you are a bit worried they'll try and do the whole interview.

*hugs Mark* - Thanks for the tea. At least your SW got in touch with you. It's a bit of a shame that the appointments been postponed though.


As you can gather I still haven't been able to fall asleep. It's now 2:25 am. To be honest, I've pretty much given up on sleep for the night, even though it will make tomorrow all that much harder.

Right now, all I want to do is curl up in a corner and bawl my eyes out. :'(

I gave up on the phone calls :( Least I made one right?

*cuddles and sits with Kahlia* I'm sorry you can't sleep. I feel like curling up in ball & bawling my eyes out too.

*cuddles Kahlia, Helen, Mark, Laura, and anyone else I'm forgetting*

I'm sorry you all are having such a difficult time. :( I hate making phone calls too but I called the internship place again and this time got through to the director!! :D That made me really pleased, as I was worried that I wouldn't. We talked for about 10 minutes, setting up plans etc. She's going to call my advisor shortly so she can set up more stuff. YEY!!! It looks like - if this gets finalized on time - that I will be starting middle of May for at least 6 weeks. Will be good distraction, I suppose... :-/

But anyway. I don't know if I have one class or not today, so I am going to go over and see (health psych) - we're supposed to be doing physical/psychological work-ups on volunteers (one per person in the class) but mine hasn't emailed me back... so I don't know if she is still interested. >_< I feel rushed... so much to do in so little time, it feels like!!

:crying:

JK ~ It was good.... spent more time there than I was intending but it was awesome. I think the gym time is rehabing my knee too so I've fallen in love with going to the gym lol

Kahlia and April ~ do any of your local gyms have trials? The one I'm doing now is a seven day free trial... I can't afford to pay for the gym till next month. But I also get a discount when I do sign up for a regular membership because I'm a state employee. 39$/mo instead of 49$ to 69$/mo.
I did have a good time though. Yeah the short term pain prolly wouldn't be so pain ish if I wasn't so random lol. Instead of doing cardio every other day and strength training the other days I do everything each day I go. (Start with cardio then do some strength training then more cardio then home.)My abs hurt but I can actually feel the muscles under the fat and my husband says I look smaller around so I'm ok with a little ache.

Helen~ You do matter. And I'm glad you didn't have nightmares.

Mark~ They didn't tell you till your last session that it was the last?

*huggles everyone in the ward and sits to play with Puppy Sinclair*

Nope . Never mind , I knew it was coming at some point I was just surprised with the suddeness of it all .
I eat far too much tonight , feel like a total pig , ugh , it's not like I even enjoyed it,Idiot!
I don't enjoy anything at the moment , I just "exist" . Does that make sense?

*hugs Helen* Well done on making that one phone call :)

Yeah that makes sense, Mark. *hug*

*curls up*

Thanks Mark xx

Helen: *big hugs* Well done on making the one call darl. There's always tomorrow right? I'm sorry you feel like curling up and crying. I can pass you a tissue if you need it, and I'm always here with a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear my friend.

April: That phone call to the internship place sounds good. :D I really hope it goes well hun. *big hugs*

Crimson: Unfortunately none of the gyms here have a trial period. Cardio you can do every day, but if you intend to do strength training every day you really should split it so that you are working different muscle groups and allowing the others to rest ... I don't know if that made sense. Sorry if it didn't. :S *hugs you*

Mark: If you've just started trying to be careful with what you eat and are trying to put a lifestyle change into place, try to allow yourself a bit of slack. I'm sorry that you aren't feeling enjoyment at the moment. *hugs you*

Anyone else who I've missed, or who wanders in: *huggles you*

It's now 5:26 am and I still haven't slept. I gave up a few hours ago. Now I'm just waiting for a reasonable time to go and get ready for my busride to the hospital. *sigh* Meh. So d*mn over this.

It made sense and I do know that... but I dunno the first day at a new gym is like being a kid on christmas day with lots of presents lol... I wanna play with everything, especially the stuff I haven't ever done before. :D

Crimson - I know exactly what you mean. I had a premium membership at a gym for a while, which meant I had access to pretty much the whole gym, and I just wanted to "play" with everything.

I'm sorry I've not really replied to posts, not upto it. I really feel like crying more than ever :( Meh...Thanks Kahlia <3

*bounces in and waves happily at everyone* power of positive thinking, worth a go right?

Mark, it sounds like people are letting you down atm, and that really sucks. I know how it feels hun and I don't have any great advice other than you can do this, and you will get more support. Make sure you talk honestly with your SW when you eventually see him 'K

Kahlia, nice work on getting to the shops, sometimes its the little things we do that give us hope for the bigger stuff. That sleep issue is a worry, can you ask someone about maybe some medication to help for a bit? *hugs and sings lullaby*

Helen, sweetheart, you are really struggling huh. I feel for you so much and pray that today is better for you.Crying might help hun, sit in the bottom of the shower and cry all you need to, then have a big tuppa tea and a sleep and you might feel a bit better. *cuddles gently and offers shoulder*

*searches out April* You are doing so well still getting on with things even though you're anxious and not in a great space. Keep going sweet, things will get better *nods and believes in you*

Laura I really hope you managed to speak to your friend, my p-therapist told me yesterday I had to start being more honest with my friends, and that it was my choice, which I guess it is but its not that easy huh.

*hugs Crimson and gives her a bunch of flowers* thanks to your motivation I got out on my bike for an hour this morning, and feel some friendly endorphins kicking around. How you doing today/tonight?

*shouts out for Nicole* anyone seen her around here?

Anyway, another big day at work then will try to fill up my weekend to keep me out of trouble. Cut again last night, but nowhere near as bad. Today feeling fragile but in a cuddly way if that makes any sense. So pleased to have you all here for hugs on demand, I could hug the whole world today, just to get some back.

*snuffles into Puppy Sinclair and has a wee cry*

Love to you all, you're all special people who have a wee place in my heart.

xx