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Katch 11-05-2008 07:23 PM

Hi everyone.
Blondiebear enjoy your KFC - hope it's a good night. Glad you are feeling more relaxed now and I hope you can get a good nights sleep and wake feeling less tired tomorrow.

Does anyone have anyway of contacting Kija?

For me I was feeling OK but right now feel really down - a man has just been up to collect my dads computer and someother bits and peices - my mum fell apart as my dad loved being on his computer and i think we all still picture him sitting at it - I have so many emotions going around in my head and don't know where to put them. I still can't believe he died and I didn't get time to say goodbye.

Take care everyone, hope you all managed to enjoy a bit of the hot weather - too hot me thinks...

zowie 11-05-2008 07:55 PM

Thank you all for everything.
Take care of yourselves xx

Katch 11-05-2008 07:58 PM

Hey Zowie - how are you?

blondiebear 11-05-2008 08:00 PM

If you go into someone's public profile, you can send a message to them, via their regular email. Given what Kija said to me, I would not be surprised if she is not checking email though.

Katch 11-05-2008 08:10 PM

Blondiebear - I tried that last night but it cam up with a message saying she didn't want e-mails. I just wanted to check she was OK. Thanks anyway.

zowie 11-05-2008 08:17 PM

Im not doing good.

~starburst~ 11-05-2008 08:21 PM

Hello, i thought i would join in here if thats ok..

I will read through this thread properly when i get a few more mins xx but wanted to send ((cuddles to everyone especially Katch)))

Katch 11-05-2008 08:30 PM

Whats Up Zowie - has something happened today?

Stellata 11-05-2008 08:31 PM

I still care, Zo.

blondiebear 11-05-2008 08:41 PM

Zowie, what's up.
Mummyof3, welcome!

The sun is coming out, yeah goodie!

Detour. Derail 11-05-2008 09:32 PM

Hey Mummyof3....I remember reading a thread you posted before :) are you ok? I'm Alexx by the way :P

Zowie are you ok hunni?

How is everyone else?

*leaves hugs and ice lollies*

Katch 11-05-2008 09:38 PM

Hey there, How are you Alexx I'll have a hug that you left but will pass on the ice lollie as I need to lose some weight..

Detour. Derail 11-05-2008 09:44 PM

these are magic ice lollies....fat freeeeee ice lollies so surely you can treat yourself ;)
and I'm sure you dont need to lose weight sweety ^_^

Katch 11-05-2008 09:53 PM

thanks - I've had a bad night so I will have one please - thank you - and I don't really care if they do actually turn out to have fat in them - it wont make any difference anyway

Detour. Derail 11-05-2008 09:56 PM

awww hun *huggs* im sure its not true at all!
Do you wanna talk about your night?

Katch 11-05-2008 10:11 PM

sorry - just finding things difficult - I find it really hard seeing my mum so distressed and seem to keep locking all my emotions away but they are all bubbling inside and I don't know what to do with them. I was so please I was feeling a bit better I even wrote it on my post and then a few minutes later - bang - it's all back again

Detour. Derail 11-05-2008 10:17 PM

I'm sorry to hear that.
have you tried finding a way to let your emotions out?
Maybe writing things down or take up a sport or hobby etc?
At least you felt better...even for a little while. it's a start isnt it? :]
I hope you can get that feeling back, but for longer this time...
Sorry my post lacks abit...it's probably not the MOST helpful thing to date....

Katch 11-05-2008 10:22 PM

Thank you. I am so scared that if I start to let my emotions out they will all come tumbling out and totally over power me - I'm scared I wouldn't cope. It doens't matterthough i'll be fine. Thanks for listening xx

Katch 11-05-2008 10:54 PM

me again - dont know if anyone is around - feeling lonely and as if I am not coping with things - I dont want to be me anymore. I want to go and hide or just dissapear from everything I know. sorry if this sounds stupid.

MammaMia 11-05-2008 11:22 PM

*hugs Katch*

Hun, I have got your pm by the way :) I just need to get comfy and I'll try and strart reading it, but may wait til tomorrow. Not because I don't care, i really do. It's just I'm sooooooo tired :(

Katch 11-05-2008 11:47 PM

no worries. I'm sorry it turned out so long - I just don't know when to shut up!!!

i feel so low at the moment and so very alone, I felt Ok earlier today. I don't thnk I am any help to anyone tonight so I think I may just read a bit - please know that I do care though - a lot - i'm just a bit useless right now. (or rather a lot useless) I'm sorry for always being on here now that I have found it - and I am sorry for all my stupid responses - i mean well but i probably dont say the right things. i wish there was someone here (in my actual life) that could give me a real hug and that I could trust - I really can't remember what that feels like

but it doesn't matter - nothing really matters and hasn't done for a long time
I wish...... that I thought there was a reason for wishing.

effervescence 12-05-2008 02:24 AM

hey katch. i know how you are feeling, really i do. don't apologise for being on here, its what its here for!

hi mummyof3, how are you doing now?

have a good sleep helen.

allyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy - your brain is needed in my thread in vets general plzzzzz :) :) :)

chocostashchick 12-05-2008 02:45 AM


~*forever_broken*~ 12-05-2008 04:58 AM

*tackles her twin* Callie!!! I've missed you!!!

*hugs Callie, Cloe, Katch, Helen, Susan-Mom, Alexx, Jeremy, and anyone I missed-sorry about that y'all- and hands around a tea tray with tea, coffee, cocoa, biscuits, and cake*

I think I'm feeling better... That my meds are working better... I DID cut again today and I DO feel a ghost of what was before but... I don't know. And I don't know how I feel about feeling better, feeling 'Normal'... Pretty sure it scares the **** out of me though:crying: crazy, huh? But I still keep thinking that I don't want to do this any more... That dieing would be better... I suppose if I can get a job, an apartment, and a handle on my uni work I may think differently... But death WOULD be easier*shrug* aw well, c'est la vie.

blondiebear 12-05-2008 07:07 AM

I got enough sleep last night but I've tried to do too much today and my vision is swimming again. So I'm all out of helpful answers.

*gives hugs all around*

effervescence 12-05-2008 10:14 AM

ally, thats not crazy, i totally get how feeling "normal" is scary, i mean, this is what we know. think of evanescence -
i want to stay in love with my sorrow,
but god, i want to let it go.
- so true!
hope the cut isn't too bad.

susan im glad you are getting some sleep, try to take it easy though. how is the house now?

my brain feels frazzled.

zowie 12-05-2008 10:39 AM

Sorry about last night. My dad ended up taking all my pills away from me because the crisis team phoned him and told him I was going to OD
Had an awful night last night. She screamed at me so much because I couldn't do as she said.

Katch 12-05-2008 01:08 PM

I'm sorry youhad such an awful night - it must be so hard when she screams at you - sing a song in your head or count to 100 to try and block her out a bit. Thinking of you

Detour. Derail 12-05-2008 01:25 PM

*storms in and glares*
stupid woman....she's sat glaring at me...
"this is an awful lot of printing" she said. Yes thats because I have an awful lot of printing to do....and no I CANT go to the library you stupid woman because then I have to PAY and if I had the money to PAY for my printing then I wouldnt be printing off so many ****ing CV's would I?!?!
GAH ><
*looks around for something to steal...just to spite her.*
I wouldn't mind if she was a librarian....but then again a librarian wouldnt tell me off for putting a printer to its proper use.....she's just some woman who gets paid to sit in a room all day doing **** all and telling you how many sheets of paper you can use.
She should DIAF :@

Katch 12-05-2008 01:59 PM

Hi Alexx - sounds like you have had a fun morning - if a printer isn't for printing what's it for. And printing CV's is such a worthwhile thing to print - hope you have managed to cool off a bit now - and I hope the printer gets stuck next time she tries to use it!!!!
Hugs to you

Pomegranate 12-05-2008 02:22 PM

Oh God. I am trying to write my letter for my Grandpa and also editing his eulogy that I am reading. I just want to cry but if I do then I will never make it to the chapel of rest and I have to be there in an hour. I don't know if I can say good bye for the last time. I want him here. He promised he would be there for me and now he's not.

The worst thing is, on sunday night/monday morning about 4am I sat with 'a few' packets of medication, paracetamol, ibuprofen and came the closest I have ever come to trying to kill myself. Then 2.5 hours later he was dead. I don't know, I have this really stupid idea that one of us had to die that night and because I didn't then he did. I know it is stupid but I can't stop thinking about it. Worse thing is, that he would have chosen it to be this way round if he had the option.

Katch 12-05-2008 02:55 PM

Hi emma, thinking of you today, it's so hard feeling you are going to say goodbye for the last time - but your not really - he's in your heart all the time and I know he is looking down on you wishing he could comfort you and be there for you.
It is not your fault that he died, and even if you had taken the stuff it wouldn't have changed anything - it is so sad that you feel that way - grief makes you question all sorts of things and I think there is alwasy the thought of If only I had........then this wouldn't have happened - but the truth is it is out of our power - these things happen and there is nothing we can do to change them.
You are so brave reading the eulogy - don't worry if you are crying it's going to be one of the hardest things you have to do and you should be proud of yourself - your grandad would have been proud of you. I wish he was there to hug you and hold you tight - my thoughts are with you and your nan - take care hun. xxx

Detour. Derail 12-05-2008 03:51 PM

haha Katch I love you lots :P I hope it does jam up on her...and spit it out like on the advert ;p

Emma sweety, I wish I had something to say to help....maybe in a way he still IS with you....in your heart and memories and things...I know that might sound daft but maybe you can find some small amount of comfort in it?
He obviously loved you so so much and wouldnt want to see you struggling.
I'm sorry I wish I could help hun....
my phones always on if you need me...you have my number.
Take care of yourself sweetheart.
Love you lots

blondiebear 12-05-2008 04:04 PM

I'm chronically sleep deprived. My husband and I live on different schedules. And Bozo cat did his 4am feed me song. Heck, he even did it in the motel room, pacing along the edge of the bed from my waist to my head and back again.

Our house seriously needs to be mopped, the wood laminate flooring. My husband was good enough to vacuum yesterday. The hatch door to our attic needs to be cleaned, grubby finger prints on the bright white pain.

Emma, you will get through this. Even in your pain and grief you will be able to celebrate his life.

Alexx, don't you hate it when people like that give you trouble. I was once making copies of a government document and the lady at the copy shop gave me a major hard time about the copyright. Uh it is a government document, copyrights aren't an issue.

Crud, I have a headache. I didn't know it until now, my husband has been running the ice maker to clean it out of any trace of fumigant. He just dumped the contaminated ice down the sink, clink crash.

I have plenty of work to do today. I don't mind that at all and it is straightforward stuff.

Detour. Derail 12-05-2008 04:15 PM

poooor you :(
*makes your headache go away*

Some people really do need to mind their own business :P
copyright on a goverment document...*tsk*

Katey-lou 12-05-2008 04:22 PM

*hugs* everyone sorry i've not been around, and that i dont have any advice right now but i'm thinking of you all. xxxxx

Detour. Derail 12-05-2008 04:23 PM

Take care of yourself hunni

~*forever_broken*~ 12-05-2008 08:22 PM

Aww Zowie *snuggles* I'm glad you couldn't OD but I'm sorry she was such a b**ch.

Emma, sweetie, I hope you continue to remind yourself that your granddad would rather you stayed alive hun. It sounds like you had a wonderful relationship with him and I am sorry for you loss. You are very brave, to do a reading, especially a ulogy.

Alexx you're right, she was way out of line luv.

Susan I hope the clean up isn't too hard on you. Try and remember to take care of yourself too.

Katch, how ya doing sweetie? Hanging in there I hope.

*hugs everyone*

Me? I don't know. I'm exhausted, feeling rather teary, and want to cut, badly:crying:. This sucks...

MammaMia 12-05-2008 09:28 PM

*hugs everybody*

Wow I haven't really posted today. Not feeling so good today. Went to bed with a headache and woke up with it but ten times worse. So been right ill today and when I got home, I've barely been awake :(

Ugh. I feel crappy for some reason. Stuipd headache. Stuipd tiredness. Stuipd sunburn.

I missed my last lesson woopsie :P Was going home to rest for a couple hours cus of my headache...but stayed in the park ;) Counselling was alright, didn't feel like I said much like I have recently. Probs cus I did see her like Friday hehe, have been all talked out today from my headache...

I'm scared about Thursday =\

chocostashchick 12-05-2008 10:04 PM

i am wandering in again and helloooooooooo to all *hugs*
p.s. everybody keeps changing their icons and names and i am getting SO confused
my fragile mind can barely keep up with the world as it is
i keep forgetting things and losing my concentration haha (and running red lights while driving because i forget what they mean oopsies)
anywho i thought i would say that i love you all and i am thinking of you and just say howdy

blondiebear 12-05-2008 10:21 PM

Hi Callie!
Helen, if I may, a dose of motrin/advil/ibuprofin will help you feel better from your sunburn. The anti inflamitory properties help you skin. Do stay hydrated, make a point of it. This i've learned from experience.

I've cut out two shirts for a client, there was enough of the first fabric to do that. I'll have to measure his second length of fabric. A friend brought over a couple of items for a sailboat that need to be copied and new ones made. My brain is not there so I'll see if I can work on it over the weekend.

It is drizzling here! Goody. This will postpone the fire season by a few days maybe. Come fire season my location may go back to "California Conflagration" like it was last fall.

Now i'm whispering. Had four months no SI as of yesterday May 11. I'm whispering cause it seems too good to be true.

I still talk a lot.

MammaMia 12-05-2008 10:39 PM

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay well done Susan =D

Well I'm 5 days free && counting. Plus haven't taken an OD for a month & a day yeaaaaaaah :D

lil-princess 12-05-2008 10:47 PM

Yayyyy well done Hells proud of you hunni :)

How's everyone else doing?

I'm doing just great :) well i wasn't earlier but i'm ok now thankfully just very tired so might go bed soon, talking to some councellor for 2 hours has kinda drained me out a bit but oh well lol i'll sure sleep well tonight :)

xxx Emma xxx

MammaMia 12-05-2008 10:53 PM

LOL thanks Emma =D

Katch 12-05-2008 11:22 PM

I want to feel the pain that I understand

MammaMia 12-05-2008 11:31 PM

*hugs Katch*

Is everything okay hun? xxx

Katch 12-05-2008 11:32 PM

no and i just dont want to feel this way again

MammaMia 12-05-2008 11:36 PM


Has anything triggered this off?

Katch 12-05-2008 11:39 PM

why do i not learn - trusting anyone over anything is wrong - you get hurt. If i never hope for anything or ask anythign from anyone then it's safer - but I dont want to live like that - i wanted to trust - I checked and double checked it was OK with them and then they let me down - now I'm stuck I just want to cry and hurt properly not just inside

~*forever_broken*~ 12-05-2008 11:40 PM

Yay Helen and Susan (in reference to SI and all that), I'm so proud of both of you :-D

Katch, I understand hunni, and I'm sorry. I wish I had some good advice to offer.

I am SO exhausted and just feeling crap... and I don't want to do it any more:crying:

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