*hugs everyone*
i want to get out of my head. *bangs head against the wall*
and i don't want to sleep. i had some really horrible dreams/thoughts when i was trying to sleep last night and they freaked me out...
and my counsellor was not much help today. she told me i have issues with alcohol. talk about stating the f***ing obvious....
ARGH *bangs head on table*

*hugs Imaginary* Do you want to talk about it darlin??

*hugs Kahlia* dont cry sweetheart - would you like some cookies and warm milk?? and maybe a hug from Mr Monkey??

just realised that thanks to here im a year and a half clear - but the triggers and urges wont go away

*creeps in and hides in the corner*

I'm dreading tomorrow. I have make up for my v visible scars incase they wont let me wear any sleeves or my tubi grip. I'm gonna be on my feet from 7.30am to 8pm and right now my energy levels are so low that i really cant envisage how i will manage..... lots of caffeine me thinks, coffee and pro plus all day long :-/ eek!

Sorry I may try and catch up in a couple days but i have 2 long shifts in a row so i prob wont be around for the next couple days.

Love you all, beautiful people. Keep fighting these shitty illnesses and keep holding on to loved ones and things.

*attempts to start a group hug*

((I've come over all emotional now, i want to cry. bloody depression!))

Lots of posts... :) That's a good thing but I wish you all weren't struggling so much!! *cuddles everyone*

One of our pipes burst (in the ceiling, we're on the bottom floor & this is a 3-story build - WTF?!?) so the kitchen got DRENCHED. I had to interrupt soc class to leave to talk with my husband about it as he discovered it when he got home. :( Some of my books, school papers, and papers for my NP's new office got drenched... yuckie. I hate that!! A bad ending to a crappy day. :(

*hides in a corner*

*cuddles everyone*

Is it bad when even your physio thinks that you should be in the psych ward?

*disappears into a dark corner to cry*

rainbow - that's fab :) yay *hugs* its annoying you still get urges though. stay strong :)

Joc - when you read this, i hope you've had a good day or two and that it wasn't as bad as you thought :) *hugs*

April - that really sucks. hope you manage to get it sorted asap! *hugs*

Kahlia - just....*hugs* we're all thinking of you. can i do anything?

i'm just.....in a weird place at the moment and i can't seem to get out of it. but, on the plus side (?!) i haven't been drunk in 5 days. which is quite impressive. i haven't even had 1 drink. hmph. i want one now though and it's like 10am...haha. i won't don't worry.
i feel so on edge all the time. like all this self destructive behaviour is, at some point, just gonna get out of control and something's gonna happen. i don't know what and i don't even want to think about it. i'm avoiding thinking about a lot of things at the moment......
*hides in a corner*

*hugs everyone*

Laura (Friend): I really wish there was something you could do.

I see my GP in the morning and I'm going to be open and honest with him about a) my ex-tdoc and b) how I'm going. I don't know what the outcome will be, but I guess I have to try.

*hugs Kahlia* i hope he listens and does something to help. take care x

*hugs for everyone*

I'm back from Birmingham ... it went so much better than I expected (: But I'm afraid I'm on a depressive episode ATM.

How's everyone?

*gives hugs to all*

sorry dont have many words tonite except hope u feel better soon xx

argh. i need to be put somewhere i swear. i can't keep cutting like this.
*sits on the floor and cries*

*cuddles Laura* What's wrong, sweetie? Are you safe now?

*cuddles LauraFriend* What's up, sweetie? did you take care of the cut?

*cuddles Kahlia* I'm so sorry that you're having such a rough time right now... that sucks beyond belief. What are you going to talk with your GP about?

*hugs Jet and Annie* How're you two doing today? :)

*cuddles Helen* Yeh I understand what you mean... lol. But if you don't want to, you know, then you don't have to. I hope that makes sense & goes along with what you're saying. :P I hope that the visit goes well... the relationship sounds a bit rocky but what relationship - even a friendship relationship - doesn't have its own rocky bits? Keep us updated. :) How are you feeling this morning? ♥

*cuddles Jocelyn* How're you, love? (whenever you read this) I hope that your day(s) at the hospital go well & that you enjoy them, although being on your feet that long is bound to be painful. Take care of yourself... and update us when you can!! ♥

I'm really tired... the ceiling collapsed in part of our kitchen last night after we went to bed, so it is really smelly... yuck. There are rat turds in among the insulation & all too... NASTY. :( Jarrod took the day off work so he could clean up the mess, which is good... and we locked Daniel (kitty) in a huuuge cage that J bought this morning at Walmart, with his litterbox, food, & water, so he wouldn't be in the way. It'll come in handy when the landlord redoes the ceiling, too... can't wait to have a "whole" kitchen again!!! If you want to see pics I have pics... lol.

I'm kind of low right now... tired & dreading classes, even though I only have two today. :( Yuck. I feel like I will never, ever be a competant therapist... thanks to my last advanced counseling class. :crying: I'm so worried about this!! She keeps emphasizing how difficult it is to be a good therapist, & I'm worried that I just don't have what it takes. :(

*hides*

thanks Annie and April
i'm ok now...i cleaned it up and it's all bandaged up. again. i just feel stupid. today was the first day it hasn't been bandaged up but obviously, i can't see it without wanting to do it again. so i did. i hate myself.
*bangs head against the wall and cries*

Laura: I understand. But please try to let it out without harming yourself? Are you in therapy/meds ATM? Are you safe now? *more cuddles*

April: *hugs* Hey! All is getting better. A bit cloudy but I can trudge on. Thanks, in a huge part, to Manperson's support and love = infinite and priceless. How are you?

*cuddles everyone*

April, yes you were on the right lines. I know I don't have to :) Really want to though. Will see what happens though. Discussed what we're going to do a bit more with him last night :) Hopefully am meeting with two of my close friends and going for food. Or may have a takeaway, not sure yet. So that'll help take the pressure off things.


Things aren't so great right now as always, I landed one of my best friends in hospital. Well, she did take the overdose, I told a friend of hers who had to drag her to hospital. Don't think she'll be leaving any time soon, despite it being a small one. She needs to be sectioned for her safety etc. But we shall what happens with that. Things are pretty good with my other best friend, we've gotten even closer in past few weeks - if that's even possible.

I'm sorry about your ceiling and stuff :( Hope it can be sorted it very soon sweet *cuddles* Am sure you'll be a great therapist.

*huggles LauraFriend* I'm glad that you got it bandaged up... was it really bad? :-S Please try to be more careful, sweetie. I know the urges to self-destruct all too well but even feeling them & letting yourself feel them doesn't mean that you ought to give in to them. Please keep fighting, you can & will make it through this!!

*cuddles LauraStar* Sorry, can't remember if I replied to your last post... I hope that classes get better for us... but I doubt it too. The semester was off to a rocky start for both of us, yeh. Ugh. I wish I could either rewind to start over or fastforward to the end... fastforwarding would be preferred!! lol. How're you doing today? how's the anxiety?

*cuddles Annie* Glad that you're feeling better!! at least a little. That's awesome. And I agree, support from significant others is amazing... my husband is priceless!! :) He's so good to & with me. I wish that everyone could have the happiness in a relationship that he & I do. I know it's rare & that's sad... but anyway, rambling. How're you feeling today?

*cuddles Helen* Good, I'm glad I was on the right track. ;) I'm sorry that things aren't so great for you "as usual" - surely sometimes things must go right? *hugs* - and you didn't land one of your friends in the hospital, you took her there because she needed to go as she was unsafe. Unless there's a bit that you're not telling (which is fine, no condemnation - some things "need" to remain private)... but anyway, don't blame yourself please, love. I'm really glad that you've gotten closer to your other bestie, though. That's awesome. :D

So I'm at uni now, just got breakfast at the café in the student centre... I think I mini-binged, or something, I don't know... or I want to... it's so hard!!! :( I hate life right now. And I have so much uni work to do & I don't want to do any of it. The assignment for advanced counseling won't take very long but I still don't want to do it!! I'm such an epic fail... :crying:

So so so tired... yet if I had coffee/Mountain Dew I would be wayyyy too anxious to function. So damnit!!! I don't have any Klonopin (in the right mg anyway) along, so **** **** ****... meant to put more in my bag before I left but forgot due to craziness related to ceiling & cat. GRRRR. :(

*hides*

*cuddles Annie* i've just started counselling (again) but i'm not taking anything and i haven't been to the doctors about anything for about 18months. i don't want to take anything. i don't need to. i'm just being stupid. :( i don't feel safe. i feel like i'm fighting a battle against myself and it's just.....so hard. *cries*

*hugs Helen* i'm glad things are good with one friend, and getting sorted for the other. i'm sure she won't be angry at you or anything. you were just worried. which is understandable when she took an overdose...*hugs*

*hugs April* thank you. it wasn't that bad but if i don't bandage it up i will just make it worse...it's like i have to hide it from myself. stoopid stoopid.
i'm trying but .... i've got so much work and other crap stuff going on at the moment it's so much easier, and quicker, just to do it and then get on with other stuff. it's not what i should be doing i know. i just....i can't keep fighting myself...i just can't. and you're not an epic fail. at all. :) you're fab on here so i'm sure you'll do really well in your counselling assignment :) good luck *hugs* hope you get your ceiling sorted...lol

*cuddles April* Sometimes things do go right, but not having much luck with that at the moment. Although all the stuff I did yesterday was a good positive :) Trying to hold onto that today. I didn't take my best friend to hospital, a friend of hers took her. She lives in Scotland, and I'm in England :p But yeah, I feel like I put her in there :'(

Got to love your head screaming at you once an idea enters your head. I want it to stop :'( I told my best friend. She texted me and then rang me. She's going out with her children & hubby, as it's a birthday today :) (Her middle child..) She told me to text if I needed her. I want to...but I can't. She shouldn't be sat there checking her phone every now and then. I should have kept my ****ing gob shut.

*hugs LauraFriend* I'm glad about it too. She sounded pretty angry via texts this morning (well last night, but it was in the early hours) so she probably hates my guts so much. I was very worried, 3 weeks ago today, we were waiting for her to wake up from a suicide attempt. So I didn't want to risk that again. If I'd been the one who overdosed, she would have been nagging at me for hours to go understandably :( *hugs*