*hugs laura* not so great, just stuff, mainly gender stuff.

how are you?

i'm just kind of ashamed/disappionted in myself.
about a lot of things.
and it hurts to admit that i'm struggling again.


you okay, oliver, anything you want to talk about?

*hugs oliver* im sorry its getting you down.. I read about the haircut and whatnot. Just remember that its about what you want/think.. not anyone else. Hang in here.

Grace - its okay to admit that u are struggling. If you are, Its good that you are reaching out and trying to get some support. U can make it through.

As for me... well I'm just me... Always fine. Having trouble concentrating on uni work.. thoughts are kinda everywhere.

*hugs Laura* thanks.

grace, its ok to admit to struggling, and like laura said its good you are reaching out. *hugs*

sorry your having a tough time concentrating with uni work, would taking some breaks help at all?

Im not used to the ward being so busy at this time lol.

I am taking a lot of breaks... But my thoughts are just kind of racing from one thing to another... It'll be fine. I just may not get much done tonight.. O well i guess.

aww *hugs*
I think i am going to head to bed, just heard my father get up for work, its 4am here so i best try and sleep I suppose.

Okay, Goodnight! Hope you fall asleep quickly! *hugs*

*walks in, puts her bags away after her vacation, walks around and finds every single person on the ward and gives them a big hug*

I'm sorry guys. I haven't been able to keep up with what you have all been doing. I no longer have a laptop and the hotel's computers (whilst not overly expensive to use for internet purposes) were so slow I was unable to connect to do more than the absolute essentials. I'm really sorry about that. I have missed you all though .... Although, I'm pretty sure that if any of you want a 6 year old boy, red hair, freckles etc, my friend would be happy to send him to you. Just kidding. He's at the whiny stage and copped at least 3 revvings but still didn't get the point. The joy of kids I suppose.

Anyway tbph I don't know how I am at the moment. We had a lovely dinner last night. The 6 year old was being a (not-very-nice-word) but the 3 year old (who was tired) was doing okay. But the adults enjoyed the meal.

I ended up pacing the hotel room for 15 minutes then sitting on the bed and bursting into tears for 30 minutes. And the worst bit ? ? ? I don't know why. It's driving me balmy. *sigh* I really hate it when that happens.

Anyway, I'm home now and I'll be around a bit more frequently.

I hope you are all having a nice night/day and doing okay.

*leaves great big hugs for everyone*

awww hugs everyone, nice to have you back Kahlia *offers to help unpack* It is tough being away from your "normal" environment, screws you up a bit I reckon, hope you're feeling a bit more settled back here with us :)

I've kinda lost track of everyone's state of mind *apologises* but it is nearly 9pm here in NZ - which coincidentally is nearly ni nighs time. *yawns like the nanna she is*
JK

*hugs everyone*

JK - Thanks for the offer of help! It can be quite handy. I'd have to agree with you. Being away can really screw you up.

For me though ... the worst bit came just then. I tried to take my medication (it's a large number of tablets at nighttime) and my body and brain refused. My brain was literally just screaming "NO". I had to force myself not to throw the tablets across the room. My housemate saw me sitting on the bed staring into my hand and asked me what was happening and all I could say was "I don't think I can do this". He basically took the tablets out of my hand and put them somewhere safe, gave me another tablet to calm me down - I was stressing out so much that I had worked up a really bad sweat over it - took me outside for a smoke to "relax" me. When I tried again (after allowing the tablet to take effect a bit) I was able to take them ... but I don't feel quite right. I just don't know ....

I don't think I can keep doing this. I'm scared on some level that my mind is just going to rebel and I'm just going to stop taking all my meds, and that could be severely disastrous. And while I know that logically, I don't know what to do about it. Is that weird? Am I losing my mind? What in whatever-you-happen-to-believe-in's name is going on?!

One more thing about today that I don't understand. I'm going to put this behind a "hide". Not because there is anything overly triggering in it, but I will mention the word "knife" and some feelings associated with it and don't want to accidentally trigger someone. Please, if you think there should be another warning associated with it, let me know.

This all leaves me a little confused. I'm also unsure where I stand in relation to mood. And I don't think that is helping with everything else that is going on.

Anyway, I hope you all are managing to get some sleep, or have managed to get some sleep and are awakening refreshed and ready to start the new day.

*leaves great big hugs for everyone, even more huggles for those that are struggling, the offer of my shoulder to cry on for anyone who feels the need for a cry and just one more thing .... a big Easter egg that my sister made .... its 1.5 kilograms of (home-made) Rocky-Road chocolate Easter Egg! - for those who want a lighter option, just let me know and I'll leave it behind .... *

*hugs Kahlia and wishes she still smoked sometimes too!* Good that you took your meds hun, and that you've got such supportive flatmates. Very soon I guess you will be ready for bed like me *snuggles and gets all comfy*

The fact you didn't want the knife is AWESOME, well done you, that's a huge step on your recovery road I reckon. It sometimes feels like you're leaving a friend behind when you walk away from that stuff, but that type of "friend" is not one that we need *boots them out of the ward*

Take care hun, and 'shhhh' looks like everyone else is sleeping here. *shares about 200gms of the Rocky Road Easter Egg with a cup of hot chocolate*

*Hugs Kahlia* well done on taking your meds thats a really positve thing to do . AND thats great news on not feeling the need to take the knife with you , thats a big step .
*Hugs JK* do you prefer JK?

*hugs Mark* yeah my friends call me JK, so you lot here on the ward are best too also!

*hugs JK* - Thankyou. Yeah, my housemate is great. He's so understanding. I guess it also helps that he has a psych illness as well. And as it's 20:39 it's most definitely getting pretty close to bedtime for me as well!

*hugs Mark* - Thanks. Yeah I guess it is. It just feels so weird.

- It was like the normal craving wasn't there. I saw it, thought it was attractive and it felt nice in my hand, but was quite content to put it back ... Maybe I'm further alone Recovery Road than I thought?

*hugs anyone who wakes up and wants a hug*

*cuddles everyone*

I've slept about 11 hours, despite waking a few times & still feel mega tired. It's about 11.40am now. Want to go back to bed, hmm. However, a friend is calling me at 2pm & coming round. We're off to the pub. Then people are trying to almost force me into going out tonight. They know I hate it :'( I do want to do it for myself. But I just can't. Especially when I'm not in a very good state like this. Hmmm :( I just dread to think how today's going to play out, no matter what I do.

I nearly brought a huge quantity of pills yesterday. I don't know how I managed to avoid it. I really don't. I still want them :'( Yet I don't. My head screamed & screamed at me yesterday for it. Meh.

*cuddles everyone*

Yeah, it is too bad about timezones, as it would be nice to be able to have more of a "live conversation" with you, Kahlia, and to get to know you better, JK, without having to stay up forever late!! :P

Kahlia, well done on the whole knife thing. I think you are further along "recovery road" as you put it, than you think/thought you were. I'm proud of you, for whatever that may mean to you. :) Hope you sleep very well and have sweet dreams... *hugs*

Oliver, I'm sorry that people were mean to you - asshats indeed!! I hope that things settle down in the next few weeks for you - it's rubbish that you have to go as a girl for whatever performance it is... :( *hugs* How're you doing today?

Nicole, how are you? Joc, are you around at all? LauraFriend?

LauraStar, how are you this morning? *cuddles*

Hels, that's a lot of sleep!! I wish I could get that much... I'm utterly exhausted. Last night was really a bad night for me, just feeling so alone in class and then sad too. :( Well done on not taking/buying the pills yesterday... *cuddles* Proud of you for fighting the urges, in whatever way you did!! :D

Mark, how're you doing today? *cuddles up next to*

Hmm... I am so tired... am going to eat my oatmeal (breakfast, you should be proud of me!! lol) then maybe take a nap. I'm so exhausted, mentally/physically/emotionally. :( Yesterday in Women & Spirituality we made altars/shrines to different things... some just celebrating our dreams for the future, some women did ones in honor of their grandmothers or families, etc. I did mine for a cousin-somehow-removed who died of a brain tumor late last year, November or so. I never got to say goodbye... and so I made a shrine to her. It almost made me cry. :( I guess that's good though, my way of grieving. But I don't know. I'll post a picture of it once it comes through to my email (took a picture on my cell phone). I was proud of how it looked... I think it honored her well.

But I'm still sad. And I really, really want to cut. :crying:

*Hugs April* I'm so sorry that you're sad :( please stay safe , I really want to cut too and am struggling not to so I understand how hard that is *extra hugs*

*cuddles next to Mark* I wish I could just be okay. I wish we could ALL be okay. I feel like such **** right now... am at uni and realized I forgot a notebook that I NEED for my ONE CLASS that I have today. You'd think I'd've remembered it but no, I took a nap and woke up 8 minutes past the time my tutoring hours started - on campus - and I was at home. DAMN IT. Today is just not a good day. :crying:

I'm sorry that you want to SI too... and you're about the same age as my husband, that's cool. :) He's 28. How are you doing now? how is everyone else?

*cuddles Puppy Sinclair...*

*curls up into a tiny ball rocking & crying*

Hope everyone's feeling better xx

*cuddles kahlia* I think that maybe you are farther in recovery than you thought. Thats great!

*hugs april* Im sorry that you are having a bad day... I hate forgetting things too, it makes me feel stupid, but you are not stupid at all.. Things are bound to slip your mind every once in awhile, especially if you were in a hurry.

*hugs mark and JK*

*curls up with helen* you okay hun?

Not doing great today. Managed to pull out my classes and the interview I had to do for one of my assignments, but now I just want to disappear. Hope i can keep it together b/c i really dont want to miss the party I was invited to tonight.