Mum wanted to clean as mu sister had told that my flat was filthy , but as it turned out it wasn't and is now super clean :) then she stayed for lunch.
This Afternoon.
My Housing SW is taking my to the benefits office to find out why my housing benefits havent beed paid for 2 weeks , must be 3 weeks now , is a worry.

Thanks Helen. I'm doing ok. All of the practical arrangements are keeping me sane. I've been rushing about most days trying to get the funeral sorted.

How are you?

*hugs Mark*

Hey everyone. *hugs* Just here to say hi.
So tired and dizzy. Gonna force some food down for the first time in two days and try and sleep.

*Hugs Lindsay *

*Hugs Jessica*

My PM box is open even if my replies are'nt instant

Mark, sounds good, well the cleaning bit anyway *squishes* Hope you get it all sorted =)

You're welcome sweetheart. Glad being busy is keeping you sane. Hope it's not stressful though. *offers more hugs* I'm low but trying to hang in there.

*hugs lots* I hate being dizzy & tired. It's not a good mixture. Hope food & sleep help xx

*gently squishes april back* thanks sweetie. It went well, an hour in surgery and 10 1/2 hours in hospital in all, so quite good. Feeling it today though, think i'm getting a chest infection from the G.A. Coughing is agony. Good distraction from all the other **** though! *cuddles* i'm sorry you had nightmares, they really suck. At least you know they are not real *cuddles again*
*cuddles helen*
*uses ceiling searching device to find and cuddle Kahlia*
*hugs Lindsay*
*hugs mark* that is slightly concerning..however they do get their knickers in a twist sometimes. I hope its all sorted out soon.
*hug jessica* i hope you feel better soon.


wish i had better words for you all.

Well this unpaiment of rent was a beaurocratical error or someone typed somthing in the wrong place , anyway , now all I have to struggle with is looking happy at my parents 60th weekend party , gosh that sounds insignificant , just a few days in the company of the happy mask . :-) < There it is<

april- hmm i heard some bad things bout mercy so... i think someone on here has a blog about it and there were a bunch of articles online about it so i'd say do lotsa research on it

April, I agree with Heather's point of research, that's always a good thing :)

Mark, that's not insignificant at all, especially if it's effecting/bothering you, all of us struggle from loads with putting a mask on and keeping it on. I know I do sometimes :) *squishes*

*cuddles Kat, Heather & Kahlia*

Went for a very long walk with my friend, over 3 hours worth. Totally worth it and beautiful hot sunshine. Walked all the way into shopping centre, around and back :D

Well WoW crashed on me , I'l take it as a sign that I shoulden't play tonight , hmmm what to do , I'm triggered , and it would be so easy to cut , Hmmm
EDIT:- Sorry , that was an insipid post

*screams in frustration* such a simple thing with no rational reason for paranoia or anxiety yet i was and still am anxious... the meeting is over and my stomach still hurts,my back still hurts and i'm still jittery (for lack of a better word)... i fail at normal life. aside from the grr-ness of that this morning was good. ran into a friend i haven't seen in... since easter... on the bus... with j talking **** and being another of his friends and not hardly ever hearing from him i thought he wasn't willing to be my friend anymore... debated between thinking i was a **** person and that j was spreading rumors but had never asked. we hung out for about 10 minutes before i had to go to work... might have to put effort into being social and going out soon. i hate going out to be social though. the people are usually too much unless i have a distraction and even then i always feel self conscious about everything... maybe i'll have him and his fam come over for sushi night or something. i just have to make it a weekend instead of a friday so i can get the sushi made in advance and just have to slice and serve instead of still making it when they've arrived. but then i dunno if his wife likes sushi (or would show up, she thinks d is too intimidating so she avoids us when she can) let alone his little girl (who is almost the same age as my youngest... like 1 yr diff maybe 1.5 yrs diff). *shrug* i'll figure it out eventually. either way i need to get j's stuff out of my living room first. then it'd be nice n cozy.

...oh yeah before i confuse everyone i had a special staff meeting with the rest of the support staff today...

... another thing i find interesting about my friends wife thinking my husband is intimidating? she's at least 6 ft tall... d is only 6'4", i know he's much broader than her but seriously seeing them next to each other there isn't that much size difference. but then i find her only tolerable not friendly in general so maybe it's just her outlook and attitude. she couldn't remember me or my name for the first yr or so i knew her. my friend would remind her of my name and when she asked if he was sure we met before he'd have to remind her i'm david's wife then she'd remember me. i hate that. it's not like i have a plain common name she'd easily forget, ya know? anyway i'll quit whining about it.

*goes off to catch up on posts*

Oliver- hope your g/f is ok. let us know how she is plz.
mark- glad your rent is fixed and apt is cleaned up... less to stress over at least.
kat- i'm glad your op went ok. honey filled candies rock for throat issues and coughing :)

i know i was gonna add other stuff but i can't for the life of me remember what it was... sorry guys if i left you out it wasn't intentional just a brain malfunction on my part.

*cuddles everyone*

Oh Crimson I'm sorry you are having so many issues , Its sounds the best solution would be to make the sushi in advance and keep it in the fridge and make a weekend of it , And it must be SO infuriating when you are just known as "Davids wife" UGG Poor Crimson *Hugs ya*

heather, there was some bad stuff that went on with mercy in australia, but the rest of the stuff i just think is baloney, i've done some research on it and why would so many people go there if the bad stuff were true? :-/ and anyway, most of the so-called "research" available is blogs by different people, who can say whatever the hell they want to against mercy and can't be prosecuted for it or whatever. but thanks for the suggestion - and sorry if it seemed like i was attacking you, i really wasn't intending that effect!! *cuddles* how are you doing?

crimson, i'm sorry for the **** day you're having but you are not a fail. it may feel like you are but you definitely aren't!! you have so much to deal with every day - as do we all - that i think it's a miracle we're all still around. :) and i am thankful that we are, 'cause you all are wonderful people. *cuddles*

kat, glad to hear that the op did indeed go well. :) that makes me happy to know... what's a g.a.? and a chest infection is no good. :( *cuddles gently*

i spy mark and kahlia!! *glomps* :) kahlia, no worries about not being supportive right now. you've done a fair share of supporting, now it's time for you to be supported... it's so hard to support a lot of people when you're in a really bad place yourself, as i'm sure we all know!! :)

*cuddles hels and lindsay* lindsay, are you a Christian, or would you be offended by a Christian song? because there's a lovely one by britt nicole i think you'd like if you're not the latter. i won't link it here but it's called "don't worry now" and it applies to your situation (i think). anyway, you can look it up on youtube if you like.

i'm so tired... and tired of being tired... and worried about jarrod... gahhh. :'(

I'm emotionally exausted , Early bed again I'll try despite not sleeping well for a few nights.
*Leaves hugs and hot choccy ( Calorie free ) on the table and waves goodnight to the ward :)

*huggles/waves at everybody*

Well it's just after 0500 hours - or 5:00 am for those who prefer 12 hour time, and I've gone another night without sleep. *sigh* Getting way too regular. . .

Anyway, I apologise if/when I miss someone, I'm not exactly firing on all cylinders right now:

Kat: Glad to hear you are home, and that the surgery appears to have gone well. Sorry though to hear that you may have a chest infection from the G.A. Have you had reactions to anaesthetics before? I hope that you are going to be able to get plenty of rest to get your strength back. *gently hugs you*

Helen: *glomps you* Walking in the sunshine, especially with friends, can be some of the nicest things to do. I hope you are doing okay sweetness.

Mark: Just checking what I read, which was that there was a bureaucratic error and that is why they didn't pay your housing benefits? Does that meant that they are going to pay them back to you? It can be really hard to have to keep putting on the "happy mask" and a struggle to put it on and keep it on, and sometimes even to take it off. I hope you are managing to stay safe or just trying to take care of yourself. *hugs you*

Crimson: I'm glad you ran into your friend. Those "chance meetings" can be really good for the soul. They can really give you a lift. I'm sorry you had troubles with your anxiety at the meeting. I hope that is passing. *cuddles you*

*sigh* Time for a coffee and a smoke. :-(

yeah sometimes i have to plan stuff out pretty far. i like to cook and on top of plain old liking to cook stuff on my own its cheaper (though the appliances take up a ton of room lol)... i make my own bread and custards and doughs and honey butter and cookies and sushi, etc etc and all that other wonderful stuff and i will make my own pasta, yogurt, beef (and other meats) jerky, fruit and veggie chips and fruit leathers soon... i'm working on expanding my appliances to include pasta making additions to my kitchen aide (less room taken up by attachments to a machine i have than to get a new machine with its own attachments), a dehydrator (hopefully it arrives next week), and a yogurt maker... but with all the make it myself i tend to need a wee bit of extra time to prep for things :) cooking is a good distraction sometimes, especially if you have someone as a sous chef. i'm gonna stop talking about cooking though i could go on forever :blush: *hugs back*
have a good nights sleep *crosses fingers*

thanks april :) *cuddles back* i just hate feel a way i think is irrational. it's just infuriating. and i totally agree the people in here are wonderful and awesome too.

yeah they certianly are. sadly 'chance meetings' is usually how i run into my friends. though i think part of that is i've never been a partier and even if i was before i have kids and most everyone else i know doesn't or is a new parent. *cuddles* i am feeling a bit better now. hope your sleep cycle gets a bit better soon.

*grabs a no cal dark chocolate hot cocoa with mini mallows* the work day is half over and so is the week *mutters: thank gods* i dunno how much longer i can take r being on half days and trying to juggle everyone's requests and everyone's jobs... we'll see how it goes. her doctors note expires end of next week.

Hey guys. I hope everyone's OK.

Once again, I don't know how I feel. It's numb most of the time. Numb and scared. Scared when I think of the future. Of living. But it can't even be a simple suicide, because I am scared to die. Stuck in a stupid Limbo. We once studied a poem called Limbo in English, it's pretty relevant to how I feel actually.

Long dark night is the silence in front of me.

The nights are so long, this never ending darkness that I am all alone in. It's so quiet, so lonely and I am stuck in it. Sorry, I am getting all poetic and weird now. I'll shut up. I probably sounded like a total ****. Stupid.

*cuddles lia* i don't mind poetic posts. :) and you don't sound stupid or like a total ****.

lia, i agree with crimson, you didn't sound stupid or like a **** or anything bad... i liked your post, actually - not the topic, but the poetic'ness of it. *cuddles if that's okay?* i wish that i could help you more... but i'm in a bad place myself at the moment... :-S hope you feel better soon though, and i'm glad that you're in a limbo instead of having your mind made up to die. it may not be very comfortable, but still... you are strong, stronger than you know... keep pushing forward, til you break through & see the light of day. we all can do that, and will, hopefully.

i'm really not doing that great right now. i just want to cut... or purge... or die... i'm so sick of living. and on top of everything i'm struggling with, i'm worried about jarrod. think i'll post about that in my r/v in a bit as i don't want to take up space here really with my fruitless worries. :-S (but what if they aren't fruitless?...)

i'm so tired. my bestie was just over for a little over an hour which was wonderful... so nice seeing her. we're going to surprise jarrod with something but i'm not allowed to say what... and he's having a *coughadultycough* op tomorrow so i'm supposed to think up something with which to surprise him when i get home from work. :-S

*hides in the warren*