*leaves hugs and snuggles for everyone*

Jamie doesn't really like me being on here anymore, so the time I can spend around is kind of limited to when he's at his parents' or when he's cooking, but yeah. He doesn't quite seem to comprehend the fact that I actually need this place, and that it does help. *sigh* Ah well.

Auburn Shadow - you shouldnt let him dictate what you can go on, on the internet!! I know my partner at First didnt like the idea (he was scared it may trigger me again) but when he actually saw the friends i had made and the support that i got he changed his mind very quickly!!!!

*hugs to all*

Hope everyone is okay

*leave some Millionairs Shortbread, Teddy's, Clean Blankets and a Big Furry Pink Dice for everyone*

hey everyone.
hope everyones ok today
*hugs the others back and curls up in one of the blankets *

*walks in cautiously*
Uh... hi... is it okay if I... check in for a while?

*Leaves hugs for everyone*
xxx

*cuddles everyone*

Why do I even Bother!!!!
This is typical of my so called friends
They organise a party - forget im back up the road dont invite me then when I phone one of them to see what they are up to tonight they tell me they are at the party, I ask them who's all there, they say all my old friends, I ask where it is so I can pop along and cathc up with them all - then she hangs up on me and they rest switch of theirs phones or screen my calls!!!! BUT when I came back they were all so excited for like two days but then thats it I dont see them I dont hear from them I am just gone a ghost in the shadows once again!!!!

Why do I bother defending all of them and helping them out - they only bloody come and see me when none of their REAL Friends are about - they are like "oh well I'll go and see Gil casue theres no one else"

Im sick of it all some bloody mates - they leave me at home by myself on a saturday night with nothing but my box sets of one tree hill and a four pack of beer!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGG

I just want to cry

*hugs everyone*

Just checking in to say that I'm still alive and doing moderately okay. Start depot injections of an anti-psychotic on Monday so we'll see how that goes. My GP is playing psychiatrist and is doing better at it than those who are specially trained ... what does that tell you ??

Forgot to add that I have been reading everyone's posts, even though I haven't given individual replies. Please consider yourselves all hugged - unless of course you do not wish to be hugged.

Just checking in to say hi *hugs everyone*

Nononononononono! I'm alone. Entirely alone.

I'm worthless. I don't deserve to live. I want to OD. I can OD. I'm losing everyone. All those I once held dear seem to be walking out of my life.

I DON'T WANT TO LOSE ANYONE ELSE.

I'll walk away from you all first, leave this ****ing world before anyone else just runs out of my life! I...I feel rejected. I'm not good enough

Had a SI relapse after 2 years clean, feeling totally ashamed.... Totally usless...... checks in

*cuddles all*

Everything is going seriously downhill, I'm being repeatdly hurt and it's encouraging my urges. Seriously need to tell someone, because something is going to happen otherwise. But I can't have him find out, which is what will happen if I tell my counsellor, **** **** ****

*hugs Nikki* hang in there hun, im here if you want to talk.

*hugs mouse*
*hugs silent * welcome to the ward, if you want to talk feel free to pm me.
*hugs kahlia*
*hugs mouse*
*hugs zowie* hope everythings going ok zowie

Fallen slips are unfortunatly apart of recovering, i know how you feel, hang in there *hugs*
*hugs hells* im so sorry thigns are still going down hell for you, but remember things change and it Will get better, if you need to talk to someone then im here :)

Hang in there everyone.

*hugs Helen* Im always here if you need to talk ok!!!
*hugs Fallenshadows* I'm sorry to hear you've slipped but here is a little piece of advice stolen from SIXX:A.M;s song "Accidents Can Happen"

*Clings back* I managed to resist in the end. Housemate's gonna give the mental health team a kick up the ass tomorrow, to see how things are going, and seeing the doc on Friday. So yeah. Woo.

And thanks <3. It's just several things all together. I keep getting into the mindset that everyone's going to just go 'O BAI *paf*'

*leaves Freshly made hot chocolate with marshmallows and whipped cream For everyone*

Its the best i can do at the moment!! *hugs to all*

Thanks you two, ugh, I just want to be dead already but I cant put my plans into place yet..

*hugs lots*

*sends cuddles around*

>__< Urges are back

*Rocks back and forth*

*cuddles Dayna*

*paces*
Why am I talking to him?
Why do I feel happy talking to him right now?
I don't want to feel so bad later....
*sits in chair and bites nails*
I refuse to let myself hurt myself...

*hugs Silently crying*

*hugs Helen* - What plans darlin??

*hugs to all*

My bank have now locked down my account!!! ARRRRG why wont things just go right for once!

Sorry that I'm not replying to people, having a really **** day. *Gives out hugs* - best I can do right now.

I feel so terrible. Couldn't sleep last night because the voices were so bad, had to take a PRN this morning and then when dad went out I immedeatly started looking for the place where he hides the meds.
I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep.
I'm having really bad thoughts. About hurting myself, hurting people around me. The Man wants me to slit throats. People in the street, people I know, even people I love. Now I don't think I'd ever hurt the people I love, but I've hurt people I don't know before in the past so there's no telling if I'm just going to loose it and do something stupid.

Argghhhh. Kill me.

*gives out hugs*

I'm off the Clozapine, on the Amisulpride and the Voices are giving me HELL. The Men in Suits in and the Mindreaders are following me and editing my thoughts. They are reading my Mind and trying to Kill me.

On top of that, I appear to have lost the ability to type properly.

To go on a massive destructive bender that should hopefully kill me...and you really aren't having much luck are you?

*hugs tight* Sorry its not more :(

Again, cuddles, sorry its not more :(

*hugs Helen* Please dont do anything like that hunni - If you really need to talk Im here okay!!!

I never have any luck! im just so used to it all now

but on a good note i will be 1 year and 5 Months Clear Of SI Tomorrow!!!!


*hugs to everyone else*

Wooooohooooo

You Rock

I feel alone in my head and thoughts. I want to tell him but how can I. To worry him again. I bet he is sick and tired of me being low and sucidial.

Can I stay here forever and make time stand still......

one of my best friends is setting me up for a fall it hurts so bad i just want to make the pain stop i dont know what to do ne more i wonder if its me thinking stuff thats not real but it feels real, i need to make it stop! i want to go and find out but im to scared cos if im right then my life will be over but i cant cope i want it all to stop please!

Jaddddddde *clings*

You're welcome to never leave the psych ward ;)

*hugs Helen* sorry to hear you aren't doing too well, I know what it's like to want to go on a destructive bender, but I hope you don't.
*hugs Englishgirl23* I hope it's not as bad as you think
*hugs Jade* stay forever, but you can win this
*hugs Nikki* good for you, I think the world should give us all a break, that sucks
*hugs SteelMaiden* I hope you feel better soon
*hugs Arwen* I hope you get to sleep, and please stay safe
*hugs Dayna**squidges* hope you resist the urges
*hugs silently crying* stay strong, you can do it
*hugs MaryAnne**hugs Michaella**hugs AuburnShadow**hugs FallenShadow**hugs Kat**hugs Kahlia**hugs Mouse**hugs Snuffles**hugs Secrets**hugs Shell* I really do hope I haven't forgotten anyone but if I have I apologise sincerely and offer an even bigger hug.

I have a sore throat, I want to cry and I want to hurt :(

Thanks Wildlyinsane and MammaMia.

I am shivering even though I'm wearing a sweatshirt. These withdrawal symptoms are driving me crazy. My extremities have turned to ice.

The Mindreaders and Voices want me to Kill my Mum. The bad thing is is that I've tried before. Twice my Mum had to call the police to get me handcuffed =[.

i want someone to lock me away or kill me. either will do. i can't do this anymore.

I'm alone in the house, and the spies are outside. I'm so scared.
I'm thinking about going out there and stabbing them all, but I can't tell who's innocent and who's a spy. And I'm also scared that they'll catch me if I go outside.
****.

-checks in-

Exams start in five weeks time. I'm not going to survive this. I can't even check into a real ward because it'll take me away from the exams and I have to sit them. I need to sit them because if I don't I'll be a failure.

they are wanting me to jump, they noise is so loud again

*hugs everyone*
Sorry it's not more. Really am.

Want to OD still. Still there, still fighting it every single day. OD or go down to Tesco and buy a few cans of beer and get drunk. Both will hurt Jamie. I promised him I wouldn't hurt him. I can't hurt him, so I can't OD, I can't get drunk again. I won't let myself cut, so I guess I'm just stuck feeling like this for a while.
Can't tell Jamie about it, and I didn't admit how bad it is to my counsellors earlier. ****ed up, much? I want to stop feeling like this, and yet I'm hiding it from the very people who want to help.
On top of that I've got to go back to the doctors on Thursday for a blood test to see if I've got hyperthyroid. Don't think I can do this. Nothing more going wrong. Nothing more. I want to just self-destruct.

Devil, who is? What noise is it? Can you not put some music on to drown them out?

Auburn, can you not tell Jamie? I'm sure he'd rather you talked to him than suffered in silence.
Why are you hiding it?

He thinks I'm doing great. I tried talking to him a while back, when I was just triggered, and he kept wanting to know why, and the thing is, I don't know how to explain to him that I want to do this stuff, but I don't know why.
Yeah, he sort of gets the OD stuff, because he's been there before, but me even thinking about it hurts him, and I can't hurt him by even admitting I'm thinking about it.
It's kind of confusing. I love him, I want to be with him forever, but I still want to OD right now...

hey everyone, thought id check in again today since yesterday i didnt, i ended up just walking around for a long while then couldnt bring my self to return home so i just kept walking for the night, i still havent slept yet but i need to soon, its been 6 days since i last SH'ed, i keep going from extreams at the moment.

*hugs anyone that wants or needs hugs. then,*
*rocks softly as she pulls a blanket around her to keep warm*

BULLSHIT.

You are liked. You are loved. I promise you <3

*hugs all*

Drunk, unsafe. amd about to go void. Very spacey. Eyes won't focusd/ And I want to SI.

WHAT A LOVELY COMVBINTION LOL.

*hugs everyone* sorry to hear that so many of you are feeling **** and would love to make everyone feel better but I can't. Sorry, pretty useless really but I mean well and I hope you all have the strength to fight and get better because you are worth it, whatever you believe. Personally I feel like a useless piece of **** who doesnt deserve to be here never mind not wanting to be here, failed again, I will always be a failure, despite which I've even failed to cut myself even though I really want to, ugh.

I FINALLY have a gp appointment tomorrow.
Needed one since NOVEMBER because *he* wants to see me after my A&E visit (od) and I need to see him because of needing medical evidence to get mental health mentor at uni/so they know what I'm like. Will he even give it seeing as I'm not diganoised with anything. I so know he's going to ask me how I am. How long its been since my last self harm/od/suicide attempt. But he'll find out about my plans if I'm not careful and he really really really can't. I swear man, if he doesnt give me what I'm asking for, I'll NEVER ask for his help ever again. Am I wasting my time doing this anyway? As I'll likely be dead this time next month...

thanks,

just everybody, the noise that fills my head, is unbearable.

I feel so ill today...so so ill.

I feel ill too devil girl. Bad things are going to happen.

Helen darling *hugs and Squishes*

Your note wasting your time doing something like this......its the first step to actually gettin what you need! as for being dead this time next month over my dead body will you be - cause i'll be back in Brum by then!

They will take into consideration all of your symptoms to maybe provide you with a diganosis (it took then 3 years to diganose me without having the chance to see a specialist)

They may take some time to give you the medical evidance and it may take more than one meeting so be prepared for that!

Im always at the end of my MSN or PM here or a message on facebook if you need more information about waht they might ask of you!


*Hugs Michaella* well done on the not SI for 6 days walking about is sometimes good to clear the mind ad the soul but its dangerous late at night in any place in Britain, If you need to talk of clear your mind just PM me kk

*Hugs Damnation.* Sorry to hear that your wanting to SI and feeling unsafe, sometime the feeling unsafe can be the worst part of it all becasue you just dont kow what to feel, same for you if you need to chat PM me k


*Hugs wildly insane* You are not a Failure no one is a failure! and everyone deserves to be here, when things get tough its horrible but you just have to hold your head up high and think of all teh good things you have even if its just little things!!! Same for you to im Just a PM away

*Hugs Katrica* Hope yourokay sweetie Pm me if you need me

*Hugs Devil Girl* sorry to hear your not feeling so great, hearing noises and things really isnt a nice thigs, i used to get them alot to, but i found things like listening to my fave songs or going out for a walk in teh middle of nowhere really helped me realease some of them, also writting down things that might be stressing you out of maybe triggering the voices and noises on to paper and tying them on to balloons and realeasing them also really helps *Hugs Zowie* the same goes for you to, just trying to put yourself in a place where nothing can get you a place that you've created for times that you feel alone or scared.

*hugs to everyone else*

Things are going okay for me had an argument with my partner on monday night but he's given me another chance and i cant blow this one!!!!! He's told me to see about doing a councelling course to try and become a guidance conunceller in schools and things! so im gonna look into i think!!!

Gilz x

*hugs and squishes* I didn't go anyway. But I still feel it'll be a waste of time. I will be dead, but we'll see hey? I don't think my GP is bothering to try and find a diagnosis, I think all he's interested in is getting me support, which isn't a bad thing, but like he doesn't ever understand what it's like, he knows how I can get when things are really bad. So what else can he need to know. I have kinda assumed it'll take an appointment or two, like first one to chat about it and then a follow up to chat and hopefully give it me :S Thanks sweetie, can we talk more later like you said in this post and your text? Also you should look into being a counsellor, I think you'd be quite good.