*hugs all and wishes merry christmas/thursday*

I know it is supposed to be Christmas and everyone is supposed to be happy and I'm sorry. I just feel so crap, can I have hugs or encouragement or something please? :(

Christmas with my Dad, step mum and 7 year old sister. My Dad drunkenly just told me a load of crap my mum wrote to the family when I moved out (violent, complete slut, aggressive, carried a weapon, drugs etc etc), This was nearly five years ago and I never knew the extent of her lies. Why tell me now? Worse thing is apparently my step mum isn't so sure she is lying. She is, I promise she is lying. I'm bad but I am NOT those things :crying: My mum and I speak now and I was supposed to be seeing her boxing day but she told me today she wants to have a family day with just my sister (whose 17).

I just feel crap and I don't know how to get through this. I have been doing really badly recently anyway and I came home and TRIED to be positive and within an hour my Dad has killed it. Its not the specific details of it that upset me, it's just made my mood crash to the ground :crying: :crying:

I'm sorry to write all this crap when you are all trying to enjoy christmas. I just literally don't know where else to turn :(

Oh Emma...! *Hugs muchly*

I'm sorry all that's happened, but really, those who know you should realise that you're not the person whom your mum made you out to be, and therefore would know better than to take her lies seriously

Happy Christmas everyone!
My sister bought me a fab pair of trousers. I love them. Depressed me a bit because they are XL and fit perfectly :( My sis says they are really small for XL but it's still a bit of a bummer.
xx

"Hugs" Pomegranate. I am sure you are right and those who know you best won't see that in you. I understand where you are coming from with your family it is ok. You can get through it.

Zowie I know what that is like my mum and sister brought me cloths for christmas that were realy large I felt so small I just wanted to cry.

Thanks Ravyn hope you have had a wonderful day.

I am very exhausted after acting all day. The good thing is that I didn't stuff up and get majorly shamed out. My mum noticed the SI but said nothing thankfully, she will just make a scene on monday when I see her next ...yikes...

Hope all are well and "Hugs to those who want them and merry christmas. Hands out gingerbread biscuits in the shape of reindeer"

I am safely back home after a few hours with my parents, I am very lucky as there were fantastic, made no fuss, just a few pressies (and great they are too, a lovely new coat and some molten brown smellies) then dinner in front of the TV (they have just re-decorated the dining room so we had a good excuse not to use it, still smells of paint, we ate in there last year when he-devil came for lunch so i did not want to).

Not felt remotely festive all day, had most fun playing with Fraggle with her "wacky weasel"!!

*hugs everyone very tight*

*hugs people*

Zowie- Don't worry about sizes etc, sizes vary hugely from store to store. In one you could be a 10 and in another a 14. Glad you liked them though.

mouse in darkness (nicole?)- Glad you managed to get through the day. Hopefully things won't be too bad when you see your mum on monday.

Mary Anne- sounds like you had quite a relaxing day. Your parents sound like that were very thoughtful today.

How is everyone else doing? Ravyn? Hells? Kahlia? Danya? Jem?

-----------------------------

Sort of floated through today not really with it. It could have been worse and my Dad had gone to a lot of effort. Have lots of new DVD's to keep myself distracted. Want to drink and cut but too tired. Going to try and be good and just watch tv etc.

Think today went as well as was possible, not really happy but not been in tears all day so that is probably a bonus for me.

Fraggle is now exhausted from playing and is out for the count on the couch :)

Hope everyone is okay.

xx

I'm ok emma

*jumps and cuddles u*

Urself? u coping alrite there? xx

*Hugs all*

I'll admit, O'm a little drinkl so I haven;'t actually houroughly read through everyones;s posts, but I hope you'rt all doing okay! <333

Hi All!!

Thanks for the Merry Christmas wishes, and I wish you all a Merry Christmas too... although I'm guessing it's already the 26th for most of you!

*hugs everyone*

Mary Anne - Fraggle is an awesome name for a cat :) It's so much fun watching animals play... I was enjoying watching my rats play today. Glad to hear that you had a somewhat ok day, hope things continue to go well.

Helen - I loved the text you got -- that is really nice to hear from your note-taker. Hope you did have a nice day and found some peace.

Dayna - how are you doing? How was your day? Hope things are going well.

Emma - *massive hugs* I am glad that you were able to turn to us for support; I don't believe those lies.. and as Dayna and Nicole said, those who know you should know not to listen to those lies. How are you enjoying your dvds?

Zowie - How are you doing? That's sweet that you got some pants you like!:) What do they look like?

Nicole - Thanks for the reindeer gingerbread mmm :) I am glad that your day went well, hopefully your mom will have forgotten about it by monday. Hope you can relax and rest up after your busyness.

Jem - haven't talked to you much yet, but i hope you had a nice christmas. How are things going for you?

Kahlia and Katie - hope things are alright for you! *hugs*

*hugs to anyone I've missed too!*

--

my christmas was really nice -- nothing too crazy or over the top and now my three little cousins are here for a couple of weeks while their parents are on holidays;

I was triggered though for most of it, but didn't give in yet.. the one thing about the holidays is all the alcohol around.. i haven't drank in 1.5 years... but i am so craving it.. i want to use it as an escape, but i'm trying hard not to give in.

Anyways, I should probably go back and be social again for a bit.

*hugs to everyone*

Ravyn: Not doing too bad thanks. Today's been one of the better days, actually. i didnt SI last night AND I've been comfortable wuth eating. So I'm pleased. I'm glad that your Christmas has been good, in spite of being triggered *hugs back*

Dayna: Glad to hear you had a better day :) Thanks for the hugs
*hugs*

You're welcome ^___^ *hugs again*

How's everyone doing today?

My day's not been too bad, had a bad night though... woke up incredibly scared thinking that my mind was going to be taken over... took me quite a while before I felt safe -- in the sense that I wasn't going to be attacked-- but eventually ventured back to my bedroom and went to sleep. Tired today though.

*leaves lots of hugs and some hot cocoa*

Sorry you had a bad nights sleep Ravyn. Glad you did manage to get back to sleep though. How are you doing today? *offers you coffee?*

------------

I just triggered myself. What the **** is wrong with me? I am not normally like this, I promise. I am sinking further and further. I am actually contemplating driving back to uni sunday just so I can properly hurt myself without worrying anyone will find out. Its the only way I can do the damage I need.

Hello, everyone!
Consider all of yourselves individually hugged. Hang in there, darlings.
Rayvn, hope you can sleep better tonight.
Emma, all that stuff your dad said is f***ed up and I'm sorry that you had to be subjected to that. Seems you are incredibly strong, so I know you can see through it, but I'm thinking of you and hope that you are doing better.

Everyone else: I hope that you all are recovering well from whatever the holidays brought you (including hangovers!)


My parents live only about 15 minutes from me, so we spent most of Christmas eve and Christmas together, which was pretty nice. The only problem is that I get massively triggered when I hang out with my mom a lot (there's a lot of suppressed anxiety and negativity in our relationship...kind of passive aggressive) and I can't seem to get out of it now that I'm back to work and alone. I was seriously snapping rubber bands on myself all friggin day. Trying to get out of that now...feeling very on edge. Still, could be worse.

Well, I'm still hanging out here for the sake of being with friends, even if its not real life :(.

xoxoxoxoxo

D'Arcy

*cuddles everyone in the psych ward and gives them some chocolates*

Hope ppl r okies there xxx

*Crawls in and hides in the corner*

Hey everyone.. just less then a week till I'm home.. miss being here...

Am so stupid.. had two nights of drinking.. first night was ok.. actually that was xmas day I think.. but last night was absolutely shattered. managed to hold in a breakdown.. but.. I dunno.. still feel really seedy, why do I keep doing that to myself??

Got money from dad but it had to go on car insurance.. am so shattered hey. We've nearly run out of money, we use way more petrol down here coz it's just **** here lol. But hoping trent gets paid just before we leave coz we need more money for petrol to get home.. Miss home.. and I miss mum soooooo much.. Feel urges at the moment =(

My new trousers arem black with white outlines around the pockets and up the sides. They've got lots of zips which I like.

Another thing made me feel so fat on Christmas day. My neighbour asked me if I was expecting.
Bah.

I think I'm dragging myself into some **** again. ****. What do I do? Can't tell anyone. Telling that one person was one too many >.< Writing this post isn't a good idea either....:S

Hi everyone :)

Thanks for the coffee Emma, and I did sleep much better last night, only woke up once. How are you doing today? Hope you're feeling less triggered.

Thanks for the hugs D'Arcy - glad to hear you had a nice xmas, sorry to hear that you got triggered though... :( Hopefully that passes soon. I like hanging on here too - I love talking with you all!

Jem - how are you doing? Thanks for the chocolate.. mmm.. i looove chocolate!! Hope everything is ok with you.

Dayna - *massive hugs and cuddles* What's wrong?

Katie - I miss seeing you around here too! Hope that the rest of your holidays go well and that you get your money for petrol.

Zowie - those pants sound sweet!! Sorry about the comments from your neighbour. How's your day/night going?

Helen - *hugs* I'm not sure what's going on, but we're here to listen if/when you feel ready to talk.

*hugs and cuddles to everyone*

I'm doing alright today, but then again it's only 9:00 in the morning.. lol.. haven't been up to long to feel otherwise, I think. My internet is going in and out though, so I may not be back on here for a bit... hoping I can post this message... :S

Take care everyone!!

*hugs everyone*

Hells - love you so damned much sweetheart. You know where I am if you want to talk.

-----------------------------------------------------

I feel like absolute crap. I've had hardly any sleep in the past few days. Since I came home. Triggered all through christmas day, all through boxing day, and I gave in this morning. Ended up with stitches. But it doesn't matter. It's never enough to make me feel better. It just screws everything else up. Like, it upsets my boyfriend, and... I dunno.
I don't feel like I should even be posting here anymore, I never give anyone any support.

Hi everyone,

Helen, hope you are okay.

I am on one day at a time living just now, struggling a bit, trying to get out at least every day, even if it is only to the shops (I am smoking sooo much just now that is essential, must must stop).
Prmosied I will go back to the gym in the new year (until things went awry I went 5 times a week).

Have just developed horrible ear ache (maybe due to the extreme cold here, minus 6).

*hugs everyone tight and hands out earmuffs to the cold*

*cuddles* I really want to...but been promised not to...:wow:

*squishes you tight* Lovvvvvvves you

I don't know if I am, well I am but at same time not?

-hugs to all-

*Glomps all*

Sorry my posts have been so sparse as of late. Been getting fairly involved with doing lots of drawing, lol <__<;;

Ravyn: Had to skim back to see the post you were referring to. Um, I was extremely lonely. Had one MSN conversation going, and it kept trailing off into silence that lasted for up to an hour at a time, and since it was a time where no one else was online, I was craving someone to hold a decent conversation with

*hugs everyone*

Helen, I know you are not 'okay' in the traditional sense, just hope you are safe.

Going to visit my aunt's grave today, as it is far away this will be the first time since the funeral in July, will be good to see family but painful at the same time.

x

*jem walks into the room and hands over mashmellows to ppl who want them*

*cuddles u all* xxx

Ugh sorry... no replies at the moment... only can get on for quick posts and selfish me devotes them to talking about me in them. Lol!

Am stressed though. Just talked to a school friend I haven't seen in 6 months and we have no money to go out to dinner.. Just had an argument with BF about money.. Which I know.. I just wanna do something nice.. since I haven't seen him in 6 months. I said I can pull some money out from my savings (which yes may be a bad thing, but we just need like 20 odd dollars.. and we dunno when trents getting paid, might not be TILL the day we leave so that's abit late hey) so yeah had an argument, he said he'll get the money off his dad and I'm like but he's paying for dinner on NYE so no. I had said to Trent hey he went to this place and said it was good (we went there awhile back and sam hadn't been there..) but then he gets up me and is like but we don't have the money for it!! And I'm like I KNOW! I wasn't suggesting it.. I was LETTING YOU KNOW HE"S BEEN THERE AND WHAT HE THOUGHT OF IT... GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR so over it.. so over having no money.. so over dealing with mental **** that prevents me from working while I'm studying.. so over everything.. just wanna curl up in a ball and cry... cry hard....

*cuddles everyone tightly*

*hugs everyone*

Auburn Shadows - don't feel bad about posting here... Hope you get some sleep soon... How are you doing today?

Mary Anne - I hope your ear ache passes soon... that's not fun at all :( take care today, it may be hard, but hopefully good at the same time [if you know what I mean?]

Helen - thanks for the cuddles *cuddles back* Hope things are going ok today...

Fallen Shadows - thanks for the hugs; how are you doing?

Dayna - are you going to post some of your drawings?? *is hopeful* How are you doing today? Hope some of the loneliness has passed.

Jem - thanks for the marshmallows and cuddles! How are you doing? Hope things are going ok?

Katie - sorry to hear that you have been fighting with your bf.. hope things get smoothed over soon *offers tissues and cuddles*

How is everyone else doing?

--
I'm doing okish, other than being drained and not feeling very supportish.. I keep hoping my energy levels will increase soon. Weather-wise all our snow is gone!! It's crazy it rained the last day or so and we had quite a bit of snow and it's bare out there now... feels like spring.. but it's supposed to snow this afternoon... so it will go back to "normal" soon.

*leaves hugs for everyone*

hi everyone,

Ravyn, in a sense it was good, I had not seen the headstone before which was strange but comforting, strange as nobody else in my family is buried, all have been cremated so there is no place to visit but comforting as I like a place to visit, I know some people don't like graves but it was nice to see where she is and know she is safe there. It is a lovely place, very peaceful and very well kept.

It was great to see family too.

How are you feeling now?

Katie, hope you worked things out with your bf, money is the cause of so many rows.

*hugs everyone tight*

*Hugs everyone*
I'm so tiiiiired
xxx

*Sneaks in*

*Cuddles Helen back*

Zowie: x_o I know the feeling, lol.

Mary Anne: Glad to hear that it wasn't too difficult. First time I visited my sister's grave, it was rather difficult *hugs you too*

Katie: Oucchhh x_____x I can really sympathise with that. Lotsa money problems here too. I hope you and Trent make up soon, as well

Ravyn: Glad to hear that you've been doing okay, in spite of feeling drained. *Steals your snow* <__<;; Click 8D

ravynsoul. Ive been better. Just sorta been in a real slump here lately and cant get myself out of it. People seem to think I need "cheering up" so they have decided to annoy me constantly to try to get me to laugh which freaks and stresses me out as I hate attention and people in my face. Just in that time when everythign I do and try to do is so difficvult adn has so many compliations that it drags me down.
Itll get "bettter" (well not that things are actually ever better for me) after the 650 mile drive home tomorrow though, back to solitude and my "normality"
Plus my X-mas was sort on the crappy side, oh well Im still alive right? heh

*cuddles everyone*

Today's being shitty, nasty people, stuipd thoughts trying to grow into my head again but they can't, I promised :(

*sneaks in to hug everyone*

Sorry to ask, especially as I know that I haven't been around much and am definitely not great at supporting presently, but if anyone has any hugs to spare I would seriously appreciate them.

Thanks and sorry to all.

*leaves safe hugs for all*

*Gives Fallen, Helen and Kahlia all biiiiig huggles*

*gives Kahlia and then Dayna a massiveeeeeeeeeeee hug each*

Kahlia, you're always welcome here for hugs or whatever you need even if you're not up to supporting others and whatnot xxx

I'm in the denial tent, ah much better, everything is DANDY :D

*Dives into the denial tent as well*

I likes it in here 8D

*hugs Dayna and Helen back*

I think I'm going to build a denial tent right here on my bed ... I think almost everyone else that I know irl has one they carry around with them ... I'll work up to that.

*leaves safe hugs for everyone*

*crawls into the denial tent and attaches herself to one of the sides so that she can't be removed from the tent unwillingly*

Yay more people.
It's fun.
Becauseyoudenythateverythingwrong :)

Such a **** up. Not even sure what I have done. I had two friends over for dinner. I asked my Dad three days before hand, we ate in the study and stayed out of rest of the house. Yet somehow I screwed up. My friends said goodbye to him and he was really rude to them and wouldn't speak to me. Waiting for him to come shout/or just go to bed so I can cut. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to see another christmas. I have had enough. I just am not interested in all this **** anymore. I don't want it. I want to be gone.

*squishes tightly*

*unchains herself from the denial tent, crawls outside and hugs Emma then disappears back inside the tent again*

Life is good. Denial is good ......

hi Ravyn

i'm well i guess

urself? hope u r doing alrite there xx

*hugs Emma tightly* You know where I am hun.

Not feeling especially great at the moment. Got some more sleep Saturday night, but mainly because I was drunk. Apart from that haven't had much more than an hour or two a night.
I gave in to the urges yesterday and cut. I think it's just everything that happened when I was actually living with the parents, it's still there in the back of my mind I guess. One more day and I'm going back to Wycombe, but I don't know how I'm going to get through that one day.

Mary Anne, glad to hear that your visit was comforting and that you had a nice time visiting family. How are you doing today? *hugs*

Zowie - hope you're feeling a little less tired... i know the feeling too, haven't had much energy the last couple weeks :S keep hoping it will come back. *hugs*

Dayna - I have like no snow left! Craziness... I like your pictures :) Thanks for sharing them :) How are things going? *hugs*

Fallenshadows - that sucks that you're in a slump, hope your drive goes/went well... It's hard when people don't always understand how to help... hopefully being back to your "normality" will help you... take care!

Helen - *hugs* hope you're feeling safer in the denial tent... can I join you all? I'm ready for an escape!

Kahlia - *hugs and more hugs* how are you doing today? I like the idea of carrying a denial tent around in rl.

Emma - *hugs* sorry that your dad was such a jerk...

Jem - I'm doing okish, woke up triggered though and usually mornings are best for me.. x__x hopefully the day will get better.. hope you have a good day *hugs*

Auburnshadows - *hugs* maybe try and take the day in smaller sections... find something you can look forward to at each part.. then hopefully it will pass sooner... wishing you sleep and a fast day and a safe trip home

--

I'm sorry that my posts end up being so long, I just don't have the energy to come in here so often and I want to make sure I reply to everyone... i think i realized last night that i have been feeling emotionally dead lately... that along with being drained I am not sure I am really feeling many emotions.. I'm not sure I like this at all..

*hugs to all* *crawls into the denial tent and feels happy*

Awww...tat sucks Ravyn

Hope ur day pans out ok there xxx

take care of urself :-)