thankyou Kahlia for welcoming me here

feeling really suicidal and low right now do not feel safe

Hi lovelydesires there are lots of things going on in my life right now that I am finding hard to control (sits with lovelydesires)

How are you lovely?

Right now I feel like **** been really low all evening not wanting to do much or anything nothing really cheering me up and making me feel better just want to be alone and in an hour and half I am going to bed and staying there. I am soooo bloody miserable. I hate myself so much I feel such a useless failure

Well it's just a lot of thing that have happened to me with the attack, plus getting into debt and lossing friends that has made feel this bad about myself that I feel like I'm a failure and feel like I havent accomplished what I want in life and its makes me feel empty, alone, unmotivated and I feel I need control in my life and nf current eating problems and control it in an away and I feel like im not gonna stop until I'm skinny. Really I don't care if takes dying to get there I want to feel in control of my life and not be dominated by m parents, boyfriend, ex boyfriend and obviously my friend heather. So instead I'm in rut where I am starving myself and I'm NOT getting for it.

Help*

skinnylove: That's a lot to bear. Getting into debt and losing friends is something I can relate to, as are the ED-like thoughts. This may sound really stupid or cliché, but we all struggle to get in control of our lives, or parts of them. As both a survivor or suicide, and a survivor of suicide attempts I really hope that you can get through this without travelling down that road. *offers safe hugs*

I'm not coping at present. My mood is low and I'm getting used to the fact that I'm going to have to travel down to Brisbane for ECT after I sit my deferred exam. *sigh* Last round I didn't improve and gained a 12-month hole in my memory from the ECT. I just want to disappear right now

*disappears into a corner with my teddy bear*

Gem-Louise: I'm not surprised that it's getting to you. Having to talk about situations like that can make us relive the experience to start with, and talking to police who can be brutal in their investigating, doesn't make it any easier. Is your mental health worker able to provide, or organise, support for you while this process is going on?

The debt I don't really give a damn about it, it happened and that's in the past right now but it's the lack of career, people bragging about their wonderful lives and basically making me feel **** and also I am very jealous and I envy my parents, cousins and brother for having friends and I am left with people I don't see regularly apart from the wonderful graham who see twice a week and I do see people at the mind centre but I generally feel left out. I mean people my age are out dancing at the weekend and I have only been once or twice that was couple of years ago. I am also jealous of my cousins cos they are doing a levels between age 16-18 and I didn't I had to wait till I was 21 and the fact they can all drive and I can't.
Plus they are going to uni in the coming years and the odds of me ever going are so f****** slim. 1 in a billion maybe (: everything has been perfect for them

skinnylove: Jealousy can be a nasty activity for your self-esteem. If I can share something... I went straight from high school to uni to study OT (occupational therapy) and, in my third year, I became psychotic. I then had to deal with the fact that all the people I had been studying with were out in the world and earning money etc, and I couldn't do anything. It took me years, and the support of a disability employment agency, before I could work, or start studying again. All my friends were married or in relationships and I was single. They all went out to the clubs, and I didn't. I'm not going to tell you your situation is or isn't bad, firstly that's not my job and secondly it wouldn't get you, or me, anywhere. I've always thought that my sister got an easy trip through life - study, career, husband, child - but my own life didn't start coming together in any way until I turned my attention to what I wanted to and could do with my life. Sorry, I feel that will come across as if I'm lecturing you... I'm really sorry if it does. All I'm trying to say is that looking into someone's else's life can stop you living your own. And, though it may not feel like it now, there may be something good just around the corner that's worth hanging in there for.

Dropping like a stone right now.... Can't wait until the wedding and exam are over even if that means more ECT. *sigh*

I have tried to look on the bright side and buy because its in my face 24/7 with Facebook, at home and in town I can't escape

Gem-Lousie: That's a good start. Have you opened up to her about how it is making you feel? *offers safe hugs*

skinnylove: I don't know if it's possible (or would be positive) as I hardly know anything about your life, but are you able to limit your time on facebook, remove friends and family that trigger your envy or perhaps create a facebook account under another name that you can use to only put in friends/family that don't boast about their lives? The feeling of being trapped, unable to escape, can be overwhelming. Please keep talking to us, you are not alone.

My mood is still dropping. This must be a long, dark chasm that I'm falling into. :(

I do but I can escape anymore
I'm sorry I am going through so much right now crying x

skinnylove: You don't need to apologise, especially not in here. You are human and that means you are entitled to make mistakes, become emotional and overwhelmed and feel despair. Just try to hang in there and keep talking to us. *offers safe hugs and tissues*


I didn't sleep last night... I was just so low that my brain was running over and over my suicide plans. Stress is a big contributing factor to how I feel, I recognise that. I still wish I could just disappear from the world or completely switch my brain and emotions off. *sigh*

Still not great mentally at the moment really want to end it I can't handle things right now I'm too overwhelmed

**elle you got admit that you are in crisis right now you need help now. Stop using your distractions as way of escaping from your problems

Crashing and burning

*puts goodies and drinks on the table and gives hugs to all in here*

Make the war end