You are NOT a fail, April.
I love you..

Cuddles all. Wow that was another crap day, going to have a few drinks tonight need to unwind and feel numb. =( sorry guys

Oh *Hugs Jill* Please take good care :S

I'm such a perfectionist. It is insanely maddening.
I finally got up the energy to walk downstairs and take a shower. All during my shower I tried to recall every point I've made thus far in my Chaucer paper and figure out how badly it sucked. I made a list of things I need to do in my head, and exactly how much time I have to get it done.
I'm gonna drive myself crazy by the end of the week.
So... to do list:
1. Turn my history and journalism definitions into note cards (Tonight! So I can study them soon)
2. Finish paper (Make sure Dr. Rieger says you're on track first. See him Monday. Finish it ASAP)
3. Creative Writing scene (Do tonight.)
4. Read for Witchcraft (Finish by Tuesday)
5. Read for Lit Theory (Finish by Wednesday)
6. Memorize AP style for journalism midterm Thursday.
7. Stop sucking so much at schoolwork. Seriously.

I think I'm going to go insane.
3. Creative Writing scene (Do Tonight.)

Ugh I have no motivation to do my assigned uni work. I mean whenever I look at it I can't even figure out what I'm supposed to be doing. Its just not fair. My joints are all hurting tonight too. I can't win :( *hides*

*Finds and Hugs Sarah*

Thanks to all who said I'm not a fail. :( But honestly, I do feel like one. :'(

What's going on... aw crap, I don't know if a post could hold all of that (or if your head could) without exploding!! hah. Let's see if I can do a short version:

- friend triggered me yesterday evening unintentionally by talking about her "goal weight" (she has an ED).
- I got frustrated by this huge ugly body I lug around with me because it WILL NOT lose weight normally, or else I don't have the self discipline for it, I don't know. And her goal weight was a bit under what my "old" goal weight was, and her goal weight would put her at approximately HALF of what I weigh. :'( And so I started crying.
- Jarrod told me that I might just "have" to be on a meal plan to lose weight. Because it "was working" before. (I kind of dumped it because it was 1) too sweet [there was nothing salty/savory in it!!], 2) too boring [no options!!], and 3) not enough food.)
- I freaked out and cried harder, went to the bedroom and called my parents. Which was stupid because they don't get anything that's going on.
- My dad told me that "all feelings belong on the flames" or something like that, which pissed me off. I may well use "I don't want to/feel like" as an excuse far too often but that does NOT justify condemning ALL feelings to, basically, Hell.
- Fast-forward to today. I've been lonely. So ****ing lonely.
- Out of the past 36 hours I've spent approximately 1.5 hours with Jarrod. Umm, HELLO, we LIVE TOGETHER?!!? We're MARRIED?!?! :-/
- Out of 10 hours at work today Jarrod spent 7 or 8 minutes talking with me.
- He said that this is the last Sunday he'll be working, apparently justifying that by the fact that I didn't go to church. He said that he "thought I could function without him" but apparently can't? and apparently going to church or not is a measure of my functioning?
- He hung up on me. Arguably, I was being rather an ass.
- My mum thinks that making muffins and listening to inspirational music will make everything peachy again.

Okay. I'll stop there. Oh, and I've journaled nearly 10 pages so far today. Yeah. Lots of thinking, fuming, crying, and outright ANGER at a LOT of people. Haha. And yes, that WAS the shortened version. :-S Sorry it got so freaking long.

:crying:

Thanks Mark *cuddles* I just feel like a complete failure right now :(

*cuddles April* I don't know what I can say to make you feel better other than you're not a failure and we're all here for you

Why can't I EVER DO A SINGLE ****ING THING RIGHT?!!?!?!?

bear hugs april.
erm why the hell cant i stop crying tonight.

I hate myself, I really do. All I know is I'm liable to fail this year of university, I push everyone who is close to me away and I'm so flawed I could fall apart any moment. *hides away* I'm sorry x

Dpsjoihdfug Fr[fhtngbiodfydsofh

*hugs everyone *
The devil is telling me to cut am trying not to he is so loud but am listening to music

One week til I see my best friend.
Please go as fast!!!
Night ward, even if it is dead x

Hels, what's going on?? *big cuddles* (is there such a thing as "big cuddles"?? :P)

Sarah, maybe, if it's a definite that you're going to fail, try to take medical leave or something like that? I had to do that one semester at my uni... but that's in the States so I'm not sure if you can do that in the UK. I'm sure it would somehow translate though? *cuddles gently* Also, I'm sure that you're not as flawed as you think you are. I mean, as humans, we're ALL flawed... but often not as badly as we think we are. Hope that made sense!!

Jill, are you okay, sweetie? Sometimes crying is a good thing... I've been a veritable fountain of tears for the past few weeks, so much so to the point that Jarrod's gotten worn out with how I KEEP CRYING. Ahaha. >_< I hate it too but it's better than cutting or drinking or anything of that sort, in my eyes. *hugs gently*

Ryuu, keep fighting!!! You can do it. *cheers you on, and hugs at the same time* :)

hugs everbody.
april: (shrugs shoulders),its crazy im a bit of a mess tonight. cant keep the trears from flowing. i know crying is a good way to get rid of pent up emotions,but i need to stop crying, need to keep a brave face on. even if everthing around me is falling apart. hugs april back.

sorry all of us seem to be having a rough time atm =\

*group hugs for anyone who wants to join in*
will do individuals tomorrow.
love you guys <3

*sighs, hides in the warren, & curls up to sleep...* :(

Tiptoes into the warren,finds April and gives her a big bear hugs. Gently so not to wake her up. =p. Stay safe April <3

*checks in for a while*
*hides in the corner under her soft blankie*