*cuddles helen* how are you?

*big hugs for mark* how's it going? I've read your last few posts, and I'm proud of you for telling your SW. *special cuddles*

*Crawls to where april and lia are in the warren and cuddles april* Hazel is stil at home with me, and i'm still on 24/7 supervision with her. I have a care conference on the 27th where an independent chair is going to help decide what is going to happen. I'm terrified. Everyone says i'm not going to loose her, but i'm still afraid. I've just been put on antidepressants, but i can't remember what they are. I'm feeling overwhelmed because CX means it's not so easy for me to sweep in under the carpet and pretend it's not there and that i'm just making it up and it'll go away. Infact, now i've had it diagnosed Im certian he's wrong, or at least part of me is.. i'm so confused.*extra special hugs* How are you doing hun? Been praying for you.

I don't like to feel, but at the same time I do. I once went into what I call 'complete ice queen mode' I literally had no emotions. I seperated myself from them completly during an argument and was so cold. I was just feeling nothing and shut down totally. It was kind of scary knowing nothing could break that barrier.

And sure Mark, join us (that didn't sound creepy at all...).

xx

*Hugs Kat* Thankyou :) I'll keep you in my thoughts for your case conference :)

Wriggles down into the Warren to join everyone for the night.

*hugs lia* spaced out there and didn't read everything i'd written until posted. i didn't mean to miss you out! I just re-read.

Lia, I shut down like that sometimes too... and it is weird, feeling that way. I used to do it a lot more frequently than I do now... but now that I'm, well, healing I guess? (that feels SO WEIRD to type out!!) I want to be able to feel. Even the bad feelings. That's why I've been crying so damn much lately. Because I've finally been feeling everything I've never let myself feel before, if that makes sense. *gentle hugs* I hope & pray that someday you'll get to that point yourself.

*gently cuddles Kat* I will be praying for you too, sweetie. Thanks for asking - I've been alright, gave up my blades in case you missed that bit, so I've not been cutting for nearly 2 weeks. Feels like longer than that, lol. But I'm not planning on ever going back to that lifestyle, and hopefully won't "need" to... but with Jarrod potentially going into the army... :-S I'm scared. Anyway, overall, I'm doing okayish. I guess. There have been bad bits and good bits. But thank you so much for the prayers; they are definitely appreciated!! :) *extra hugs*

Take care, Mark... how have you been doing, btw? you haven't updated us, I mean really updated us, in a bit. At least, I don't think you have. Unless I missed it. :-X How's the time at your parents' going?? *cuddles & tucks up in warren bed in case you are going to bed now* Sleep well & SWEET dreams... :)

I'm so freaking tired... argh. :( It royally sucks.

*hums along to Delain and decides to journal or read a bit*

*lies on the floor of the warren* I has a bad back, so I have to lie on the floor

*plonks self in corner somewhere*

April , I will update at some point in the next few days but remind again please :) back to my flat tommorow, Psych Dr appointment is next Thursday I think .sorry this isn't more expansive.........hmmmm

*sets out a box of cuddles for everyone*

It's scaring me and I can't find the remote.

For the first time in about a year, I used the button on the TV due to a contiinuous lack of remote. Telling people on TV to shut up doesn't work.

*crawls in the warren* Mostly I want to disappear right now. Apparently my trying not to laugh (since now attorneys have issues with OSPA too, not just me) at the staff meeting makes me come off looking smug. And then at the goodbye party for two of our attorney's I felt awful cuz I hate eating in front of other people... I let our receptionist take part too so my lunch was 30 min later than usual so I felt like I was starving which made it worse... all in all I felt like a house since I ate a ton and it was a feat in itself because eating when your hands are shaking (and you have a fork no spoons) is hard... *crawls under a rock* If it was possible to die of embarrassment I think I would have. Sadly I was that embarrassed about it when I was at the back of the room... The dessert part wasn't as bad though because there were just a handful of people left and Di and I were talking about homeschooling and it kept me focused on something other than eating in front of people. But my mind keeps going over it all and just won't shut up.

*gently hugs Lia* I hope that you're doing okay(ish)... :( I'm sorry that you're upset (& probably triggered too?)... is there anything that I can do? Remember, my inbox is still open. <3

*cuddles Laura* How are you, love? I caught up on your r/v... at least, up until yesterday. I'm sorry you're feeling so ick. :(

*glomps Crimson 'cause I spot her!!* How are you, sweetie? Better than yesterday, I hope.

Mark, I'll try to remind you again. :) *cuddles*

Hopefully I didn't miss anyone & if I did, I'm going to blame it on where my head is at the moment... i.e., not attached to my shoulders. :-S My bestie just called me back - I left a message apologizing for my texts, which have been insensitive to say the least - and turns out that she'll be moving out of her parents' (which is only about 10 minutes from where Jarrod & I live, max), to a better apartment than Jarrod & I have, in a town about an hour away. *cries softly to self* She'll be coming home every other weekend... but that's like the only tie I have to our church, her and her fiancé, and they probably won't be going there anymore... so I'll be going to a church where (I don't think) the pastor or his wife like me... because Jarrod wants to. Although granted, I don't know if Jarrod will want to if her fiancé isn't there anymore, because he's like the only guy with whom Jarrod's bonded. And I'm going to miss her horribly... she doesn't have a Facebook & I doubt she'll get one... I know I shouldn't be this attached to someone that's not a family member but she's as close as one... hell, she was my maid of honor at my wedding instead of my "real" sister!! And I know that I "shouldn't" feel like she's leaving me, but she kind of is... she's getting married next May and it makes me want to cry, new beginnings & all, and I don't even know if I'll be able to be there for it. I don't know. I just... don't know.

*hides in a hole and cries really, really hard*

*cuddles April* I posted right before you... you were probably still posting... sorry I can't be arsed to retype it. *extra April hugs*

*leaves a box of hugs and plushies n chocolates for everyone*

*Hugs April* It'll be OK, you'll still get to see her and talk on the phone and email etc. An hour isn't that far really, my sister goes to a school 45 minutes away and she travels there everyday. I won't message you just now if you're so upset yourself, you don't want me adding to it. You know what it was anyway, but this time I had the sense to just switch the damn thing off. I don't know why I was watching in the first place, in a way, I'm drawn even though it scares the crap out of me. Poor everyone else who I'm confusing right now.

*Hugs everyone else who needs them, Extra hugs to Crimson*

xx

*cuddles Crimson* Sorry, I read what you wrote just after I posted, but didn't have the energy to reply. Still don't really, but in any case, am sorry that you had such an icky day. :(

*gently cuddles Lia* I'm sorry that you're feeling the way you are... and yeah, I understand being drawn to things like that... just like I used to be drawn to photos of SI. If that makes any sense...

I just want to curl up & cry. I feel like such ****. Maybe I don't want to feel. Maybe I'd rather be numb numb numb............................

*hides again*

*hugs Lia back*
*cuddles April* is ok.

*clings*

Sorry, sorry, sorry... so pathetic, so needy right now. :crying:

*holds onto April* It's not pathetic to be needy sometimes and you don't need to be sorry for expressing your feelings.
Maybe you could look into other churches in your area and ask Jarrod about trying some of the ones you like? There's some really interesting churches out there ya just have to know where to look... Like when I was in Burbank and tried out the Burbank Church of Religious Science... They have morning meditations and it was a nice peaceful environment. I don't feel out of place at all even on my first trip.
As for your friend... I'm sorry I have no advice to give...
*extra huggles*

*huggles everybody*

I gotta go back to the hospital this morning. Hopefully the physio can set my mind at ease about the "ripping" noises in my shoulder.
I wish the anxiety would go away.
Sorry for the lack of individual replies - I just can't keep up .... there were approx. 4 pages since I was in here last. Just wanted to let you all know that I'm thinking of you.