*cuddles LauraStar* I can't concentrate either, and I really want to "escape from life" too... it's all too much right now... even getting up & staying out of bed for a long period of time is difficult. (I don't have any difficulty getting up, but staying up is hard!!) I'm sorry that you feel that way too :( it sucks. Oh, and the stuff with your ex, him saying that he didn't tell you because he was "protecting you" - that's bullshit, pardon my language, but it is. *holds you gently*

It's a certain friend that I feel doesn't take me seriously... I don't know. I mean, I said that I thought I had a suicide plan just because I knew what I was going to do (which technically IS a plan), but she said no, I don't have a plan unless I know exactly when/where/how I'm going to do it and am determined to do it. And she was a psychology major, so she knows what she's talking about. I feel really stupid. :(

*hides*

*hugs all*

tdoc appointment today was seriously a waste of time. He spent the entire session writing data into the computer ... asked me a total of 5 questions. Seriously, I might as well have not even have been there ... Meh ...


Not in a good place right now. Really strong urges towards su. Like really, really, really strong. Have promised my housemate I'll tell him before I do something though.

*hugs everyone then slips into a dark corner, sits down, rocks back and forth, starts crying and hopes that she'll just disappear and everyone will forget about her*

*holds Kahlia and rocks with her* Hon, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way... and that the tdoc appt was such a waste of time. That really sucks. Is there anything you can do right now to get your mind off of the suicidal urges? *gentle cuddles*

*cuddles into April* I'm trying everything I can think of. I've taken 1 mg of Xanax so hopefully it'll put me to sleep. I think that's probably the best for me at the moment. My housemate's going to keep a close eye on me for a while. Just so over all this.:crying:

Awh... I understand, I am "over all of this" too... but sadly that doesn't make it go away. :( I wish that it did...

I am at my parents' house right now and have to keep my hoodie on so they don't see the bandage on my wrist. :-S I am a little worried about them finding out... no, make that a LOT worried. :( I don't want to worry them or make them think that I need to go into hospital. My NP will probably already think that.

Mmmm old jellybeans... they are sticky but still yummilicious. :) I probably shouldn't be having candy but it was only a few. Heh.

I feel really dumb. :crying:

*Hugs April ,Kahlia ,Laura and people I'm sure I've missed :(*

I am anxious , off to my parents for the week this afternoon , will be hard to find the space to S.I. , I am fighting the urges right now .
Can I join the group that are over this? I've had way more than enough of my depression.......

*curls up next to Mark* Sure, join the group... heh. Not sure it will do any of us much good but at least we can be tired of feeling like **** together... :P

Just updated my r/v thread.

Hope the time with your parents goes well, Mark. Will you be able to get online whilst you're there? If not, we'll miss you :( and if so, yey, maybe you can keep yourself from SI'ing. Please take care of the wounds if you do end up SI'ing though, 'kay? (I know you know this, just reminding you) *cuddles*

I'm so sick of life. Honestly. I just want it to be over.

:crying:

*cuddles everyone and then hides in denial tent*

*hugs april* oh i know what u mean about the whole getting out of bed thing... It is so much easier to be asleep sometimes. And you are not stupid or dumb at all. Hope that u are doing alright.

*hugs kahlia* im sry ur appt. was sucky. Hang in there. I hope that u fell asleep so that some of those thoughts went away.

*hugs mark* good luck at ur parents. Maybe you wont have to SI. Keep fighting those urges.

*hugs helen*

I know what my ex said about protecting me was bullshit.... but i am still having a hard time dealing with it. I feel like he broke me. Not b/c we arent together but b/c he cheated and lied, and that goes back on every promise he has ever made to me. And another bad thing is that while I am having trouble holding thoughts/emotions in.. they are not reflected in my affect.. which makes me think that ppl are not going to take me seriously b/c i will smile or have no emotion at all while talking about things... except when im talking to my ex... hes the only person that I dont hide with... or... idk, maybe its not hiding, b/c its not like i am doing it on purpose. *sigh* ppl always leave..

Slept very badly... i might go back to bed after my 1st class for awhile before my looong evening of classes... yuck.

Such a failure :(

*cuddles LauraStar* I'm sorry that you still feel like **** over your ex... it'll take awhile to get used to the thought that he "used" you, I guess... never been in that situation so if my advice is crap please ignore it!! :-/ But I do understand what you're saying. *more cuddles* How are you doing otherwise? When you say that you are having trouble holding thoughts/feelings in, you mean that you ARE holding them in and that's the problem? And yeh, a nap sounds lovely!! Just got up from one myself, actually. :P

*cuddles Helen* You're not a failure, love. What's up??

I best get on with schoolwork... will have to leave for campus in a bit, and I just remembered that I forgot to grab "New Moon" to return to my friend, and I don't want to go back to the apartment with our landlord fixing the ceiling in the kitchen (you open the front door and walk into the kitchen, basically, so yeah). ARGH. Oh well, I'll see her on Thursday too, can return it then.

*hides* :(

I feel like a total utter failure.
Really worried about someone, hopefully they'll be ok :/ :(

*cuddles helen* u are not a failure. I hope that whoever u r worried about is alright, and that u are okay as well.

*hugs april* At least ur ceiling is getting fixed, thats good! And i agree.. naps are great. imma go take on in a few minutes.

And yea, sometimes i have problems with holding things in... but lately, its more that i have been talking a little, which i guess could be seen as a good thing, but when i talk I dont come off like i care... or like I am talking about something that isnt at all serious to me. I guess it's prolly from years of hiding what im feeling... but for example, with the situation with my ex, ppl expect me to be outwardly upset... but its all inward for me except for the shaking.. i always shake when im upset, but nobody really notices b/c i try to keep it under control.
Oh, i dont know, i shouldn't have brought this up maybe.. its not like there is advice for it... it just bugs me i guess that how i sound and act is not always consistent with the words that come out of my mouth.

*Hugs everyone*
I hope I'll get online while I'm at my parents although it will be more sporadic probably .
I'm so tired of this.........

Sorry I've no useful advice atm , parents house in so crowded 5 adults 1 baby and a dog . I'm not used to it . It's really warm too .....

*hugs everyone*

Laura, I've heard from the person, things got worse, but the situation is being sorted now. Hopefully will speak to her when she's home or later tonight.



Sorry :|

*sigh* I made so much progress this weekend at decluttering... and today my house gets even more crowded anyways... another adult and a baby moving in... (That makes 5 adults and 4 children under 8 yo in a 2 bedroom apartment...)
But I know J has no where else to go and I won't put a 3 mo old out on the street. *shakes head* J was staying with her mother in law and when her husband and her fought and decided to split up his mother told her "pack your **** and get out". What kind of person does that to a mother of a newborn? She got clean and sober and got medical for herself and her daughter, got some public assistance and is looking for a job... so it's not like she was being a bad parent or going off and being reckless... *Grrr* I just don't see how anyone could think that's ok to do. I hate humans. /rant

Aside from trying to make too many people fit in too small a place life isn't too bad right now. I got parts of my house clean that I didn't think could come clean at this point. The more clutter I get rid of and parts of the house I get clean the better I feel these days. I don't know if it's that I have something else to focus on or if the extra unused crap in my house was pushing me more into my depression or what but I don't care why if it's helping. And flylady is teaching me to do babysteps instead of jumping in head first and getting burnt out lol. Oh and routines! Aside from got to work at x time I never really used a routine before... still working on this part but going for "progress not perfection". *nods and walks off mumbling to self*

*group huggle!!*

Wow I always seem to be asleep in the corner of the ward/offline when everyone is needing hugs. There have been so many posts in such a short amount of time I can't reply to them all, but a few things have prompted responses in my brain so I'll try and type them out before they disappear!

*poss trig*
Thank you Hels for the info on M.E, I wish I knew how to add things like that online & what not, but thats too much for my brain to cope with atm! I've had M.E since december 1997, quite simply its ruined my life. But I don't think I'd need RYL if it was only that, but it was in June 1998 that I was raped and started SI'ing, June 2000 my first serious su attempt. Only when I went to psychologist last year have I been told that I've been suffering from PTSD all this time. But the thing I struggle with the most is my PMDD (Pre-Menstrual dysphoric disorder) its a mood disorder that is linked to the chemicals and hormones of monthly cycle and basically I have 7-10 'sane' days a cycle, the rest I'm irrational and feel worthless and all my past feelings and issues rise to the surface and I want to SI and SU again.

ooh, and April, I think it was you who said about friends IRL etc. Well my psychologist last year suggested I take time away from RYL, she said that as much as I was supporting other people and getting support, she again wanted me to put my energies into 'real' friendships and didn't want me to have the constant reminders of SH. Well I gave here a break for about 6months or so, tried real life, and here I am again. I much happier here with less urges. So I say, do whatever makes you feel the best - which I know is hard at the mo as you feel so horrid. *special huggles*

Hmm...probably more I wanted to say but I'm currently drawing a blank....

*toddles round psych ward watering pot plants*

*cuddles both of you tight*

Sorry it's not more :S

NP appt soon... and it looks like my husband won't be able to come with. :crying: I am so scared that she'll send me to hospital...

*hides*

(sorry for lack of individual replies at the mo)

*cuddles April*
Let us know how it goes.