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-   -   Virtual Psych ward! (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1312)

misskitty112 21-12-2010 04:34 AM

*Hugs* I care about you. This place keeps me alive. I love everyone in here so much.

PsychoKitty2010 21-12-2010 04:37 AM

-smiles and hugs again- Me too. I'm glad I found this place. Even when people don't think they are helping me, they do. They help by listening more than anything. I don't even have anyone in rl that I can talk to openly and honestly, except for my counselor, and I can't even be completely honest with her otherwise she will order me to go to a hospital, but I can't afford it. So yeah, it sucks. And I know it's pathetic that all I have to look forward to during the holidays is getting drunk and high. But meh, that's what it's come down to for me. Sad, right?

misskitty112 21-12-2010 04:55 AM

I dunno. I tend to look forward to times I can get drunk without anyone saying anything. It's not the greatest thing to look forward to, but can't say I don't empathise.

PsychoKitty2010 21-12-2010 05:03 AM

oh god why do I have to be so easily triggered? it wasn't you

The following content has been hidden - Reason : triggering, SA
I saw an old "friend" of mine on facebook. she was there when I was abused one time, witnessed it, and did not do anything to stop him in fact she went on to date the guy! I'm sorry.. :( :'(

SoMuchMore 21-12-2010 05:22 AM

*hugs JK, helen, mark, felicia, crimson, kitty, lia, oliver, julie, lindsay, kahlia, nicole,sarah, and everyone else*

Wow, there have been a ton of pages since i was last able to post. I'm still sick.. keep going in and out of really sick and semi-okay.. which is why im not around much.

Hope everyone is alright. Remember my PM box is always open even if i don't post in here as frequently at the moment.

PsychoKitty2010 21-12-2010 05:35 AM

-hugs Laura- I'm sorry you are so sick hun. Hope you feel better again soon.

Disturbia 21-12-2010 07:37 AM

Morning

PsychoKitty2010 21-12-2010 07:57 AM

hi willow -waves- sorry for the slow reply was watching the lunar eclipse. how are you?

Disturbia 21-12-2010 08:23 AM

wow a lunar eclipse that must be so amazing dont think i can see it here where i am

Am good how are you ?

PsychoKitty2010 21-12-2010 08:31 AM

Yeah it was cloudy out so had to watch it online but it was pretty cool anyway. Beat standing out in the cold to see it anyway.

I'm not doing so well tonight/this morning. :/ Still feelin really low, wanting to SI and OD. -sighs-

Glad to hear you are doing good. Are you new or have you just not been around for a while or did I just miss you at other times?..

Disturbia 21-12-2010 08:37 AM

Sorry you are not feeling so good do you want to talk why you are feeling so bad ?
I have been here for about a month or so i really like it here

PsychoKitty2010 21-12-2010 08:49 AM

Cool. I'm new too, under this name anyway. I have been on and off of RYL for years. I just had to create a new account because I could not remember my user name or password.

And I am just sick and tired of life. Of everything in life. I have a husband that I can't talk to because he doesn't understand then he gets all sorts of pissed off because he can't understand. I have a mom that is in denial and thinks my mental illnesses are "just a phase", so can't talk to her. My cousin is the only other person in my family that knows I self harm. He's a full time psychiatrist and apparently has no time for me because I hardly ever hear from him. The only part of the holidays I am looking forward to is spending time with my in laws getting drunk and high. I have to spend a week at my moms house can't leave until new years day. I can't smoke around my mom because otherwise she will lecture me non-stop and I really don't need her ****ing lectures. She wants me to go shopping with her, my sister, and my 15 year old niece that is so god awfully annoying she acts like a 5 year old and throws tantrums if she does not get her way - literally. She is a selfish little bitch. But my mom thinks it would be "fun" to spend the days having "girl time" while my husband stays at my parents house with my dad having "guy time".

-sighs- I don't know why I am still here, quite frankly. I have what I need to never have to worry about waking up again an arms length away from me. Well, I do know why I am still here...I might be pregnant. I don't want to end it all if I am pregnant I already lost one baby don't need to lose another. -sighs-

Then again, I have no idea if I'm pregnant or not. If I am, I just conceived this month. I know that drinking and pregnancy don't mix but being that if I am pregnant I just conceived my husband doesn't think it'll be a problem if I drink. Means I won't be able to take my meds on christmas eve though. But I want to be drunk more than I want my meds because I don't get to get drunk that often. But finishing my thought I have no idea if I'm pregnant I only have one tube. God, I should just die.

Sorry such a long post and for the ranting and all that. Just not in a good place tonight at all.

-curls up in the corner and hides-

Disturbia 21-12-2010 09:06 AM

* hugs * Aww love am sorry that things are so hard for you
I understand that your mother thinks it just a phase my mother thinks that too .
Am sorry that Christmas is going to be stressful * hugs*
please try and hold on love
Keep talking here if it helps

MammaMia 21-12-2010 09:10 AM

*hugs wardies*

Sorry we're all struggling so much but you can all get through this xx

Laura, I really hope you feel better soon xx

PsychoKitty2010 21-12-2010 09:11 AM

-hugs willow back- thanks. sorry to rant like I did. :s

-hugs helen- hey how are you doing?

MammaMia 21-12-2010 09:14 AM

I'm tired and coooold. Want to go back to bed but can't because waiting for delivery men to pick up our fridge!! How are you?

PsychoKitty2010 21-12-2010 09:19 AM

Really down tonight. -sighs- and to top it off, Amara just showed up again. I just want to end this wretched nightmare. -hugs you a fuzzy blankie to warm up- It's like 1:20 in the morning here I'm sitting up all by myself. -shrugs- could easily do it..

MammaMia 21-12-2010 09:22 AM

Don't hurt yourself Kitty. Nothing's worth it. No matter how bad you feel/everything is. Nothing is worth harming yourself or taking your life *cuddles tightly*

PsychoKitty2010 21-12-2010 09:31 AM

-cuddles back- the problem is...well...Amara. She is right. Errybody would be better off without me. Nobody would have to pay for me to be alive anymore. Nobody would have to worry bout me. Sure, it would hurt people at first. But eventually people would come to realize that it's for the best and move on. Maybe my mom would actually get it by that point as well. I should just listen to her. Even you guys would be better off...wouldn't have to listen to me bitch and moan anymore.. -sighs-

I am so very close to harming.. and the urge is bad...I mean really bad..

-curls up again-

MammaMia 21-12-2010 09:34 AM

No. Amara is not right. Everybody wouldn't be better off without you. They'd be absolutely devastated and very upset. Including us wardies. She(?) is just saying this to encourage your suicidal feelings & make you do something. People would NEVER stop hurting from this & that includes your husband. When someone dies, particular suicide, the pain NEVER ends. It gets to a point where you learn to 'live' with it, but it never goes away. People will always wonder if there was something they could have done to help or keep you alive. We wouldn't be better off without you. You don't bitch or moan, well you can call it that if you want but you're just expressing your emotions, which is a GOOD thing. Just sometimes everyone's struggling and can't help one another but still cares about everyone.

I know the urge is really bad but you can fight this Kitty. *hugs tightly and sits with you*

PsychoKitty2010 21-12-2010 09:41 AM

-hugs back- Do you know how absolutely ****ed I am? I didn't even cry at my brother's funeral. I did before it a little but I can't cry. People probably thought I was so insensitive. But his death just...I couldn't handle it. I still cant and it has been over a month. I have lost 2 brothers now. 2. and I am only 22 years old. thats n ot spose to happen. I lost a baby on top of that. I just want it all to end. I been in torment for going on 16 years now. People keep sayin it will get better but I have yet to see it start gettin better. I just want it to end I want to be free..

-rocks back and forth-

MammaMia 21-12-2010 09:49 AM

You're not ****ed at all. Honey, it's okay not to cry over someone's death. When the tears/grief are ready, they'll come. Not everyone cries straight away or for a long time after when someone has died. I believe Lia has had a similar experience and I know April has too. I don't blame you for not being able to handle it, I wouldn't be able to if one of my brothers died or any of my other siblings. You'll cry in time Kitty. I know what it's like to lose a baby, one of the worst things in the world, so I can completely relate to that one. People are right when they say it'll get better. It just takes time, sometimes a very long time but it can happen. My best friend went through an awful awful amount of **** throughout her life and now things are slowly getting better for her.

PsychoKitty2010 21-12-2010 09:49 AM

I want to go for a walk but I dont. For one its cold. For 2 if I do go I wont have anyone to talk to. :/

*Edit* - posted this at the same time that you posted. I have come to believe that I was put on this earth for people to torment and use and then throw away. -nods- Amara is evil but she very smart.

MammaMia 21-12-2010 09:59 AM

Don't go for a walk Kitty, stay here.

You've not been put on this earth for people to torment or anything like that. You're just unwell at the moment. Are you having any professional help?

PsychoKitty2010 21-12-2010 10:08 AM

I have a counselor but since she is on "university time" I dont get to go back and see her until the 13th of january. I could schedule an "emergency" appointment with one of the school faculty but wouldn't do any good I don't talk to people I dont know in rl. Cant see my doctor until the 3rd.

-spots and hugs mark- hi mark how you be?

Doikers 21-12-2010 10:14 AM

*Hugs Heather*

*Hugs Sarah*

*Hugs Lia*

*Hugs Felicia*

*Hugs Kitty* Amara Is NOT right Kitty hun , please hang on . I haven't cried about my Grandmas death since I first found out Kitty , It's doesn't make us ****ed even though it kind of makes us feel so sometimes .

*Hugs Crimson*

*Hugs Helen*

*Hugs Laura*

*Hugs Willow*

I thought I had 3 meetings today but Anne is on leave so it's 2 but Kat can't get in so Accupuncture is cancelled so it's just the 1 and thats been moved to midday heh . I'm feeling numb , pouring coffee into myself , getting out of bed has become so hard for me latley , I went through a phase when I felt okay that I would hop out of bed now I just lay there until I can work up the motivation to get up :S

PsychoKitty2010 21-12-2010 10:19 AM

-hugs mark again- sorry to hear you are low at the moment. wish I was better able to help -cuddles mark- and sorry that your appointments got canceled and one got moved to this afternoon.

Doikers 21-12-2010 10:25 AM

*Squishes Kitty* Thanks , I was looking forward to accupunctre , it helps me relax and sleep but at least I get to meet my Nurse before she go's on maternity leave :)

PsychoKitty2010 21-12-2010 10:34 AM

Yeah, that's a positive. -squishes back- Sorry I not better.

PsychoKitty2010 21-12-2010 10:35 AM

should I go on a walk? =/ Amara says I should..

Doikers 21-12-2010 10:38 AM

Noo Kitty stay in , It must be pretty late where you are , and I think you should stay home tonight .

PsychoKitty2010 21-12-2010 10:41 AM

its 2:41 am. She says I should go walk down the middle of the road..

Doikers 21-12-2010 10:44 AM

No Kitty , Please stay here , I'm about for 48 minutes if you want to talk , please don't listen to her , Don't walk down the middle of a road please hun thats so dangerous :S

PsychoKitty2010 21-12-2010 10:45 AM

I bled for her but its not enough, she wants more...

Doikers 21-12-2010 10:49 AM

Don't listen to her Kitty Hun , I'm sorry you cut but let that be the only thing you do do tonight because of her , Perhaps you could sleep? , it's laaate where you are , I'm concerned about you :S

SparkleKitten 21-12-2010 10:49 AM

hey guys, just popping in, I'm still in bed and posting off my phone. Been ditched by a few friends recently and just can't motivate myself. I SI'd last night so I'm just fed up. I'll not be back until a lot later, take care *cuddles ward*

PsychoKitty2010 21-12-2010 10:51 AM

-cuddles sarah- sorry to hear that hun

PsychoKitty2010 21-12-2010 10:52 AM

my last post vanished o.O

Doikers 21-12-2010 10:52 AM

*Cuddles Sarah* Don't beat yourself up hun , we are always here to listen .

Doikers 21-12-2010 10:52 AM

Ohhh what did it say Kitty ?

PsychoKitty2010 21-12-2010 10:55 AM

it said I bled for her but its not enough, she wants more..

Doikers 21-12-2010 10:58 AM

Oh that posts up ^^^ there , *Hugs Kitty*

PsychoKitty2010 21-12-2010 10:59 AM

-hugs back- gah 10 mins is forever

Disturbia 21-12-2010 11:01 AM

* hugs everyone *
Am so bored at the moment

Doikers 21-12-2010 11:02 AM

Whats in 10 minutes Kitty ?

Why so bored Willow?

PsychoKitty2010 21-12-2010 11:02 AM

-hugs willow- sorry you are bored, know the feeling all too well. maybe listen to music?

PsychoKitty2010 21-12-2010 11:03 AM

Mark: nothing is in 10 mins its just my hands getting tired from holding pressure..

Doikers 21-12-2010 11:04 AM

Kitty, How deep did you go? Do you need medical attention? Sorry for all the questions I am very worried about you :S

PsychoKitty2010 21-12-2010 11:05 AM

gah no way am I goin for a walk is too windy out there!

edit: not sure but couldn't afford it even if I did -sighs-

Doikers 21-12-2010 11:07 AM

That's Good Kitty :)


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