thankyou Kahlia for welcoming me here

feeling really suicidal and low right now do not feel safe

Hi lovelydesires there are lots of things going on in my life right now that I am finding hard to control (sits with lovelydesires)

How are you lovely?

Right now I feel like **** been really low all evening not wanting to do much or anything nothing really cheering me up and making me feel better just want to be alone and in an hour and half I am going to bed and staying there. I am soooo bloody miserable. I hate myself so much I feel such a useless failure

Well it's just a lot of thing that have happened to me with the attack, plus getting into debt and lossing friends that has made feel this bad about myself that I feel like I'm a failure and feel like I havent accomplished what I want in life and its makes me feel empty, alone, unmotivated and I feel I need control in my life and nf current eating problems and control it in an away and I feel like im not gonna stop until I'm skinny. Really I don't care if takes dying to get there I want to feel in control of my life and not be dominated by m parents, boyfriend, ex boyfriend and obviously my friend heather. So instead I'm in rut where I am starving myself and I'm NOT getting for it.

Help*

skinnylove: That's a lot to bear. Getting into debt and losing friends is something I can relate to, as are the ED-like thoughts. This may sound really stupid or cliché, but we all struggle to get in control of our lives, or parts of them. As both a survivor or suicide, and a survivor of suicide attempts I really hope that you can get through this without travelling down that road. *offers safe hugs*

I'm not coping at present. My mood is low and I'm getting used to the fact that I'm going to have to travel down to Brisbane for ECT after I sit my deferred exam. *sigh* Last round I didn't improve and gained a 12-month hole in my memory from the ECT. I just want to disappear right now

*disappears into a corner with my teddy bear*

Gem-Louise: I'm not surprised that it's getting to you. Having to talk about situations like that can make us relive the experience to start with, and talking to police who can be brutal in their investigating, doesn't make it any easier. Is your mental health worker able to provide, or organise, support for you while this process is going on?

The debt I don't really give a damn about it, it happened and that's in the past right now but it's the lack of career, people bragging about their wonderful lives and basically making me feel **** and also I am very jealous and I envy my parents, cousins and brother for having friends and I am left with people I don't see regularly apart from the wonderful graham who see twice a week and I do see people at the mind centre but I generally feel left out. I mean people my age are out dancing at the weekend and I have only been once or twice that was couple of years ago. I am also jealous of my cousins cos they are doing a levels between age 16-18 and I didn't I had to wait till I was 21 and the fact they can all drive and I can't.
Plus they are going to uni in the coming years and the odds of me ever going are so f****** slim. 1 in a billion maybe (: everything has been perfect for them

skinnylove: Jealousy can be a nasty activity for your self-esteem. If I can share something... I went straight from high school to uni to study OT (occupational therapy) and, in my third year, I became psychotic. I then had to deal with the fact that all the people I had been studying with were out in the world and earning money etc, and I couldn't do anything. It took me years, and the support of a disability employment agency, before I could work, or start studying again. All my friends were married or in relationships and I was single. They all went out to the clubs, and I didn't. I'm not going to tell you your situation is or isn't bad, firstly that's not my job and secondly it wouldn't get you, or me, anywhere. I've always thought that my sister got an easy trip through life - study, career, husband, child - but my own life didn't start coming together in any way until I turned my attention to what I wanted to and could do with my life. Sorry, I feel that will come across as if I'm lecturing you... I'm really sorry if it does. All I'm trying to say is that looking into someone's else's life can stop you living your own. And, though it may not feel like it now, there may be something good just around the corner that's worth hanging in there for.

Dropping like a stone right now.... Can't wait until the wedding and exam are over even if that means more ECT. *sigh*

I have tried to look on the bright side and buy because its in my face 24/7 with Facebook, at home and in town I can't escape

Gem-Lousie: That's a good start. Have you opened up to her about how it is making you feel? *offers safe hugs*

skinnylove: I don't know if it's possible (or would be positive) as I hardly know anything about your life, but are you able to limit your time on facebook, remove friends and family that trigger your envy or perhaps create a facebook account under another name that you can use to only put in friends/family that don't boast about their lives? The feeling of being trapped, unable to escape, can be overwhelming. Please keep talking to us, you are not alone.

My mood is still dropping. This must be a long, dark chasm that I'm falling into. :(

I do but I can escape anymore
I'm sorry I am going through so much right now crying x

skinnylove: You don't need to apologise, especially not in here. You are human and that means you are entitled to make mistakes, become emotional and overwhelmed and feel despair. Just try to hang in there and keep talking to us. *offers safe hugs and tissues*


I didn't sleep last night... I was just so low that my brain was running over and over my suicide plans. Stress is a big contributing factor to how I feel, I recognise that. I still wish I could just disappear from the world or completely switch my brain and emotions off. *sigh*

Still not great mentally at the moment really want to end it I can't handle things right now I'm too overwhelmed

**elle you got admit that you are in crisis right now you need help now. Stop using your distractions as way of escaping from your problems

Crashing and burning

*puts goodies and drinks on the table and gives hugs to all in here*

Make the war end

skinnylove911: Distractions have their time and place. Sometimes getting 5 minutes relief from your emotions can be enough to allow you to re-think your options or get a new perspective. *hugs*

YodaBear: *hugs*

Just a reminder that I/we are here to talk if required.

Still dropping like a stone. Beginning to self-destruct. I just want it all to stop, please...
*grabs blankets and pillows and goes to sit in the corner*

Blah... too much going on... too much in my head... too much noise and the Voices are screaming at me. I have to go to Court tomorrow and I don't want to, but I have to *sigh*

Court was annoying... I was so nervous, but I think I did okay

A few of my coworkers said they were concerned about me today... I can't hide forever

So so tired of it all

*snuggles up with some pillows and blankets*

Today is going to be a no good very bad day... I can already feel it. Its very hard to conentrate with so much going on and all the competitions in my head... sigh

Not really great right now so I'm trying to watch a tv to help me feel better

*drags stuffed donkey and a pillow and blanket over to a corner, proceeds to beat up the pillow*
in a bad place, dropping like a stone, all the painkillers are looking inviting:sad:

*hugs skinnylove*

*hugs midnite* hope that is okay


*hides in the corner with a pillow and blankie* not doing very well... scared and afraid that I will do something that i am not supposed to do

Finally getting things sorted in my life seeing dr I hope they get me sorted out

LOOK!!! i bring to the empty white room with lots of things appearing and dissapearing. http://www.thinkgeek.com/product/ea67/

Saw dr yesterday, she believes I have something called BPD

fight for love and love fights for you. it can heal...

Yup... its not going to be a good night

Hello * waves *

i hope it ok that i join in the chat here
i hope you are all well

X

Hi again. I've relapsed in a very bad way, and I feel very unsafe right now. It doesn't help that there's so much arguing and passive-aggression going on around me, and people I've asked to not involve me have anyway.

I don't really know what to do.

Hi
can you call a crisis line and talk to someone there or e mail them?
sorry that people are getting you involved in arguments
My mum and sister try to do that to me too
its not a nice place to be in


Here listening

I'm knackered gonna spend the east of the evening watching telly and doing some colouring with my adult colouring book. If I can fit in some studies and apply for a vacancy I will

I think all I can do right now is hold on and keep taking my meds, and try and bring myself to go to the doctor's this week to explain everything. I have so many big things and big responsibilities, but I can't even leave my flat to do them.

Colouring books are the best. I have a habit of buying children's ones from Poundland; I currently have two My Little Pony ones sitting waiting to be finished. If we get a thunderstorm tomorrow I may stay in and do them to calm myself down.

Why cant you leave your flat ?
Do you have anxiety ?

The color in books sound fun nice thing to do while its thundering

I did something I shouldn't have to spend time with my dad (it was like 45 mins... but an eternity to me) because I wanted him to spend time with me and the such. He found out and is angry with me... but its worth it... especially with what I go through with him in the family dynamic...

And I will probably have a bad evening because of this

*hugs Matt*

Despite my anxiety I managed to go out today. It wasn't for long but I still managed to. Now I have to get through tomorrow as well, because I have to go to another city and sign the lease for my uni flat. I'm terrified.

It doesn't help matters that my flatmate is being horrid about the new flat, my body and our friends.

I'm in here for a long while

Please make it stop. I want to give up so much right now. So, here I am again :(

Please make this mental pain stop

Please make this horribleness go away and leave me alone checks in here for a while

*hugs skinnylove*

I dont know why i feel so afraid and scared... its like i sense something is going to happen that is bad... but ofc to me. cant figure it out and its ripping me apart and shoving my paranoia level through the roof with the Voices screaming...

*hides in the corner of the room and rocks back and forth softly*

My GP has told on me to crisis team so I might have to start seeing a psych again and a cpn nurse :/

Hugs to you

ugh, I know most of you guys won't know me, but I used to be a regular in here. Having a 'minor blip' right now with urges to harm. Been near on 5 years, and I really don't want to let myself down, but I don't know what else to do?

Checks back in