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Eclectica 12-06-2009 08:50 PM

You can do it.

I quit on the 8th. I sometimes crave them. But I've had none so far. If I can do you, you can.

I feel dirty.

zowie 12-06-2009 09:00 PM

Thanks guys :) xx

shadowedseraph 12-06-2009 09:07 PM

*curls up in a corner and cries* why however bad i feel do i have to keep this smiling happy mask in place, im such a fraud

zowie 12-06-2009 09:09 PM

*Hugs Shadow* You're not a fraud, you're just finding it hard to reveal how you really feel. And that is something that is difficult for lots of people.

shadowedseraph 12-06-2009 09:23 PM

*hugs zowie* thanks i just feel so awful and cant seem to get it across, they ask how are you and i say fine instead of f*ing awful thanks for asking :)

[Fog] 12-06-2009 10:13 PM

Wildly Insane - hope you get the job! How was your day?

BB - don't beat yourself up about last night. Or about the essay. Just go for it tomorrow! It's really hard doing work and essays when you're not feeling great, I tried to start an essay yesterday and it just didn't happen. I could smell food and that was it really. Hope you're doing ok.

Shadowed - how did it go with the crisis team today? Hope it went well. We all are guilty of putting a mask on, with so much going on it's hard not to just bottle things up and pretend. Don't feel bad about it though - everyone does it.

Hayley - have a great holiday!!

Lucy May - hey, haven't met you before, I'm Hannah :) How are you doing?

zowie - keep going with the no smoking, you're doing really well. It must be really hard, but after the first few days it should get a lot easier. How many were you smoking a day before?

Eclectic*a - you ok dear?

I've had an ok day. Felt really stressed out and dissociated for most of the day but I got through it. And tomorrow I'm seeing by boyfriend I'm soooo excited!! :-D Am now on hair dye number three of the day. The first was high lightener, the second was supposed to be dark blonde but turned out more light ginger, so am now doing a medium/ dark brown, let's hope this one works out... I will go and find out now!!

Love and hugs to all xxx

rockaroni 13-06-2009 12:33 AM

*pokes nose in*

I'm so all over the place. I've just moved in with my boything for the summer, and I just have a really bad feeling about it. I just keep pushing him away and picking fights, telling him we'll be broken up within a couple of weeks and just being an evil bitch.

And on top of this, me and my dad fought before I left, and I got a massive email from him explaining why he's been so knackered and rubbish. Turns out what they thought was a bit of asthma and bronchitis is far more sinister than they thought, and he's been having tests every couple of weeks since Easter, and in and out of hospital. They found scarring on his lung, and it's "rattling". So he's going in for a CT scan and is telling me the only news he'll get will be bad. I can't have my daddy be ill, I can't have him die, none of that. He's strong, he's my protector... I don't know what to do. I'm too scared to call him or even email him back. I'm such a ****ing ****, he deserves to have a daughter that is so much better than me.

*hugs for all* I'm really crap and just can't say anything productive to anyone, I'm really sorry to come in, pour out my pointless **** and not contribute anything.

~Kaytee~ 13-06-2009 02:55 AM

Thanks Banana.. I feel not as stressed about it because I have 2 extra days to do it.. but here's hoping I actually do it. I need to study heaps as well. grr.

*cuddles all*

wildly insane 13-06-2009 08:48 AM

*hugs Rockaroni* rant away, no worries :) sounds hard though. I'm sure you can just email him back, you don't have to say anything except I love you dad or something along those lines, which is what I'm sure is all he needs to hear. we push away the people we are closest too because we are scared, knowing that you are doing it is a good first step, saying sorry is the next. you are not evil or wicked, you are just sad and scared.

*hugs HannahBanana* thanks, my day was okay, I seem to have driven a constant triggeredness into the dark corners of my brain, am just slightly worried when they find there way out again. How did your hair turn out? I hope you have a lovely day with your boyfriend.

*hugs Shadowedseraph* I know what you mean, weren't you going to write down how you were feeling and show them that?

*hugs Kat* hope you are doing okay

*hugs Dayna* how's things hun?

*hugs Arwen* apparently it's only 10% substance addiction and 90% habit addiction, good luck, you can do it :)

*hugs LucyMay* why are you worried about today? I hope it went okay, and am glad you're feeling okay.

*hugs Hayley* have a lovely holiday

*hugs Katie* don't worry about the work, give it another go tomorrow, and my eyes are peeled for your first chapter. There is a famous saying "there is no failure except in no longer trying" you haven't failed hun, you're still fighting.

*hugs Cheryl* *hugs Kahlia* * hugs Gil* *hugs Vicki* *hugs Jem* *hugs Helen* *hugs Secrets* and *hugs to anyone else skulking around*

Am off to Ireland tomorrow, so limited internet access plus am with my mum and so probably wont manage to say hi for a week so I leave a good supply of hugs and chocolate and positive vibes, wish me luck, I so hope I have a good time, take care and I'll be back soon :)

~Kaytee~ 13-06-2009 09:20 AM

Thanks Hannah. Going to do some tonight. Chapter one is posted in CC! So look away :D

Have a good week away!! Will miss you *cuddles* take care xxxxx

[Fog] 13-06-2009 10:39 AM

Rockaroni - *Big safe cuddles* Feel free to vant away in here, we're all here for you. Sounds really hard for you and scary about your dad. Maybe you could write him a letter if you don't feel up to ringing him? Hope you're ok sweetie.

BB - hope it all gets done ok and try not to stress too much about it (easier said than done I know) :-)

WildlyInsane - have a good week away! :laugh: In the end my hair is now a brown colour which I really like. It'll be f**ked for the next time I decide to dye it (always a completely different colour lol) but for the time being I like it anyway lol! I know what you mean about the constant triggered-ness, I always feel like there's a bad bit lurking in my brain ready to come out at any minute. Just try and keep as distracted as you can so the triggered-ness doesn't have an opportunity to come out. Take care.

Slept ok last night and I'm super excited cos I'm seeing my boyfriend today woop woop!!!

Hope you all have a good day xxx

zowie 13-06-2009 11:41 AM

*Hugs Katie (rockaroni)* Don't beat yourself up about being a bit off with your boy, you've got a lot on your mind. Speaking of which, I'm really sorry to hear your dad's so ill - Like HannahBanana said, maybe all you need to do is tell him you love him rather than getting involved at a level which upsets you. That doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human.

Katie (bigbear) - Good luck with your work. Not sure what you've got left to do? An assignment? Anyway, good luck.

Have a great time Hannah! *Goodbye hugs*

HannahBanana - Hope you have a nice time with your boyfriend :)


I'm feeling a bit better today, just wish I had something to do with my time.

~Kaytee~ 13-06-2009 11:59 AM

Thanks Zowie! I have one essay and 2 exams left.. >.< Glad your feeling better, even just a bit =] Hope you can find something to do, I'm going to start to write notes on Plato >.<

Woohoo banana! Have fun today!

youonlyliveonce 13-06-2009 12:31 PM

i had a four hour session with my OT yesterday it was my first one really sice leaving inpatient. we spoke quite in depth really. i was ok well i was there i cut once. i felt numb. i saw my friend in the afternoon and just broke down i cried like a baby i was so embarrassed even though she doesn't care if i do i felt really bad i cut when she went inside 2.:( and then i told her i was gonna die and that she cudnt help i hurt her so much. when i got back to the house i started to od. feel awful 2day. feel so drained. my OT wants me to write a letter trying to get all my emotions out. its 2 hard oi cant write it. it hurts 2 much. now im on my own till weds. she said if i need her to leave a message at her office but i dont want to ask 2 much off her. i don't wanna phone the crisis team cus i wud have to explain and i havent got the energy. i dont know what to do plus i hate talking on phones. but i cant cope. its 2 hard sorry to go on.

hides in the corner.

shadowedseraph 13-06-2009 02:12 PM

*hugs rockaroni* rant away we;re here to listen *hugs wildly insane* I wanted too but i didnt incase my mum saw, and i couldnt bear it if she knew how bad i am actually feeling it would upset her so much, *hugs to zowie* you could just do what i do and drift around the internet looking up interesting stuff :) *hugs big bear* good luck with your studying *hugs banana* have fun today! *hugs cheryl* do you think if you wrote down how you are feeling you could read it to the crisis team, or go to a and e *more genlte hugs* sweetie we want you to look after yourself

Strawberry.Bananas 13-06-2009 03:03 PM

Hi all, I bear birthday cake!
*places magic cake on the table. Suitable for all!*
I know I've not been very supportive the last few weeks but hope you're all ok!
*Hugs* for all that need them. :)

zowie 13-06-2009 03:50 PM

Katie - To be honest I'm so bored that I'd rather be doing an essay than sitting around wishing I could smoke!! :P

Cheryl - Writing a letter can be really helpful. It really is a good way of expressing yourself in exactly the right words. Even if you don't show the letter to anyone, just reading back over it sometimes helps.

Vicki - Is it your birthday per chance?


Just went and did a little bit of shopping just to keep myself busy. I actually did my hair and make up just to go to the shops - I suppose it's a good thing that I had the energy to do that.

shadowedseraph 13-06-2009 05:20 PM

*hugs Vicki* nom nom nom birthday cake, happy birthday to you!

Zowie - Congratulations on getting out, let alone doing your hair and makeup! its more than i can manage at the moment :)

rockaroni 13-06-2009 08:59 PM

Thanks so much everyone. I texted him yesterday, but got no reply. Today's been a much better day. Handed in a bunch of CVs at a load of pubs, hopefully something will come of it.

Arwen, are you trying to stop smoking again, or just not doing it due to lack of funds? Either way, I'm glad you got out yesterday :)

*noms cake* if it's your birthday Vicki, have a good one :)

Damnation. 13-06-2009 10:38 PM




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