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ljmeep 26-12-2010 08:39 PM

thanks... i do have one person aside from RYL to talk too... the prolem is that she also used to SI and I worry about setting her back. she's my bff and has been since we were in 4th grade... she's been struggling with her depression lately too so I don't want to lay too much on her... I don't hold back emotions from everyone... but i hold back all but happy and angry from hubby... i just can't stand being brushed off and it hurts :(

*sigh and deep breath* i think i just need to get away for a while, but there is no way to do that... not right now at least :(

FlyingNy 26-12-2010 08:55 PM

I know it does, Kelly. There's nothing worse than someone who struggles to open up finally doing so only to basically be told their feelings don't matter. It makes me feel like no one's ever going to hear me and I'm not worth listening to, so there's no point. It does nothing to increase my feelings of self worth.

It's good that you do have someone else to talk to, but I get that you don't want to burden people. Another of my reasons for keeping to myself. But a chat now and again could be good for the both of you.

I hate it when I am trying to talk to too many people at once Nicole. Last night, I was texting two, had two on fb chat, two on fb messaging and the same two on someone's status. I was also trying to watch Harry Potter and write. Fail.

ljmeep 26-12-2010 08:58 PM

thanks... it's nice to know someone else feels the same way... though i wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone.

nicole94 26-12-2010 09:00 PM

I know lia, i always seem to be trying to do too many things at once! sillyme.
OMG. I just turned the music channels on and the go compare man has a version of santa clause is coming to town. :O

FlyingNy 26-12-2010 09:08 PM

Oh my life, I hate the go compare man. I, along with 99% of the population, wish to shoot him. There's a Harry Potter version of the 12 Days of Christmas on youtube.

It does suck to feel this way, but there are people out there who care. I have found someone who does, but I just don't want to tell her about the cutting I haven't quit and the suicidal thoughts because then she'd worry about me and I'm not worth that. And I'm scared once she knows all that stuff, she'll just turn against me and ditch me like my best friend did.

nicole94 26-12-2010 09:15 PM

:O I love the go compare man XD I am probably about the only person in the world that does though!

FlyingNy 26-12-2010 09:18 PM

Yes, I think you are Nicole. Everyone else has him 2nd on their 'to kill' list, after Nick Clegg.

Doikers 26-12-2010 09:19 PM

*Hugs Lia* I hope you enjoyed your dog walk ,I too walked the family Dog in the dark .

*Hugs Ljmeep*

*Hugs Nicole*

*Hugs Solo*

FlyingNy 26-12-2010 09:23 PM

Mark :) *Hugs* It gave me time to think, and clear my head a little. So it was alright I guess. How are you? How was Christmas?

Doikers 26-12-2010 09:25 PM

I too find it hard to speak to people Lia, I am terrified of rejection *Sigh* But I have you guys and gals and I don't know what I'd do without you .
My Mum was all like even though you aren't on the Antabuse anymore you mustn't drink yesterday , then procceded to down the best part of a bottle of wine whilst sat right next to me at Christmas Dinner . She , tonight asked us is we wanted a drink and I got camomille and spiced Apple tea and Mum and Dad are sat downstairs drinking Southern Comfort . I Really want to try drinking responsibly and thought that I would have my familys support but nooo now I have to hide it like some 30 year old naughtey child . ****.

nicole94 26-12-2010 09:35 PM

*hugs lia and mark*
lia-lol. I just think he's really funny!
mark- Sorry your family are being like that, its hard when they don't trust you, and what i dont get is they always say you have to gain the trust back, but then they never give you a chance to do that *Hugs*

Doikers 26-12-2010 09:37 PM

Gorgeous Version of this song , Nice and chilled out :) TBG is amazing.

risenfromperdition 26-12-2010 10:54 PM

*yawwwn* i've only been up for like 2.5 hours and just wana go back to bed. in my defense i didnt fall asleep til after 5 but still

ˈsäləˌterē 26-12-2010 11:15 PM

Kelly and Lia, unfortunately, I can so relate to your hubby n friend troubles! I too have trouble talking and trusting. I agree. I wouldn't wish any of this on anyone.

Thanks so much for the hug Mark! Any of you, feel free to pm me anytime!

ˈsäləˌterē 26-12-2010 11:22 PM

By the way Lia, yes you are worth worrying about! Isn't life rough enough without beating your own self up?

ljmeep 27-12-2010 12:05 AM

aww... feelin the love right now *tears* ... I think your worth it IceQueenHasAHeart <3

Mark... you're not a 30 year old nauty child, but I understand feeling that way... well in my case that would be a 27 yr old nauty child. ;) My parents hate my choices. I was terrified to tell my dad when I got pregnant all 3 times... he was so down on my choice of husband... Just know that you're not alone in feeling like you have to hide things from your folks. and thanks for the hugs :)

Cazki 27-12-2010 01:03 AM

Hey everyone

*Hugs Mark* How are you mate?

*Hugs Nicole* Hows you?

Hi Solo, how are you? Im Ian :)

Hi ljmeep, you ok? I'm Ian

*Hugs Lia* How are you?

*Hugs Heather* How are you?

ljmeep 27-12-2010 01:09 AM

we met yesterday, ian... and i'm hanging in there.. barely, but i am. i created my own padded cell (figuratively as in another forum not litterally)... got some stuff off my chest and am starting to feel a little better... thanks

MammaMia 27-12-2010 01:15 AM


Hope you didn't all miss me too much :) I've had a lovely Christmas & Boxing Day yay ^_^

Also on Christmas Day I made 10 months, so Kahlia was right in asking if I was reaching a milestone :)

I'm off to bed now, will post more now Christmas is over :D

ljmeep 27-12-2010 01:30 AM

*looks down and shakes head in shame* K... so I thought I was doing well at hiding my relapse from my BFF ... she knew about the first time, but none of the ones after ... guess I wasn't doing a good job... she already knew... it's kinda a relief though... *sigh*

ˈsäləˌterē 27-12-2010 01:32 AM

Hi Ian! I'm struggling at the moment, but I'm trying! Thanks for askin! How are you?

ˈsäləˌterē 27-12-2010 01:38 AM

I think it's great Kelly, that your friend cares enough and pays close enough attention to know, but also respects you enough to give you time and space. I'm happy for you that you have a trusted friend that you can now talk to as you're ready.

ljmeep 27-12-2010 01:42 AM

i should have known i couldn't hide it from her... she used to cut too... :( feel kinda stupid for even trying now.

Cazki 27-12-2010 01:48 AM

Sorry ljmeep, i completely forgot. Hiya Solo, your welcome, sorry your struggling *Hugs* and im ok thanks.

ˈsäləˌterē 27-12-2010 01:59 AM

Thanks for the hug Ian! I'm glad you're ok!

ljmeep 27-12-2010 02:00 AM

it's ok... there are lots of ppl on here and i'm sure it's hard to remember who all u've introduced urself to :) ...

Cazki 27-12-2010 02:01 AM

Sole: Your welcome :)

ljmeep: it also doesnt help that i have a terrible memory lol.

frenchhorn 27-12-2010 02:13 AM

*hugs ian, solo and kelly*

ˈsäləˌterē 27-12-2010 02:27 AM

Thanks Oliver! How ya doin?

frenchhorn 27-12-2010 02:32 AM

not great, you?

ljmeep 27-12-2010 02:36 AM

thanks, oliver... *hugs back* :/

SoMuchMore 27-12-2010 02:42 AM

*huggles all* Hope everyone is making it through this time of year alright.

For all the new people: Hi! I'm Laura.

That's all for now... for some reason I don't feel like there is much for me to say right now heh *curls up in corner*

ljmeep 27-12-2010 03:08 AM

Hello, Laura. Nice to meet you... I'm Kelly. :)

ˈsäləˌterē 27-12-2010 03:34 AM

I'm sorry you're not great Oliver! *Hugs* I'm not great either.

Hi Laura! I'm Elaine

frenchhorn 27-12-2010 03:36 AM

sorry your not great either Elaine. *hugs*

*hugs kelly and laura*

ljmeep 27-12-2010 04:13 AM

aww... seems none of us are great ... :( *hugs all who needs hugs*

ljmeep 27-12-2010 04:29 AM

*plops down in the nearest corner, grumbling to self about how annoying hubby is* >.<

ˈsäləˌterē 27-12-2010 04:46 AM

*Sits with Kelly grumbling about how annoying my hubby is too*

ljmeep 27-12-2010 05:00 AM

thanks for being my grumbling budy, solo. kinda wishing i had something handy to throw at him! Why the hell grump about not being able to hear the tv when it's a DVRed thing. Hello! He can pause it!

*searches for something to throw* >.<

risenfromperdition 27-12-2010 05:00 AM

*curls up in corner*
slepy =[

ljmeep 27-12-2010 05:07 AM

*stops searching for something to throw and grabs HorseRidinBbe07 a blanket and pillow* :)

ˈsäləˌterē 27-12-2010 05:08 AM

Here's somethin to throw at him Kelly. Make it count so you can have some peace for a while!

ˈsäləˌterē 27-12-2010 05:10 AM

*Gives Heather a cuddly plush animal to snuggle*

ljmeep 27-12-2010 05:12 AM

There's football on so I don't see that happening unless I aim for the TV and that's just too expensive *sigh.. mentally throws heavy object at hubby's head and wishes it could be real*

AHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'm litterally screaming inside my head! I think I may lock myself in the bathroom and drown out the sound with a nice long hot bath and my book! *shivers... cuz it's cold!*

ˈsäləˌterē 27-12-2010 05:35 AM

That sounds perfect Kelly! Go relax n enjoy!

ljmeep 27-12-2010 05:44 AM

In theory it sounded good :/ but being alone when I'm annoyed like that and have been fightin the urge to cut off and on all day... not so much. :( I lose again. Didn't turn out to be a very long bath either... couldn't make myself relax >.<

ˈsäləˌterē 27-12-2010 05:53 AM

I understand. I had apprehension about it based on myself, but didn't want to project onto you.

ljmeep 27-12-2010 05:57 AM

eh well... u can't win 'em all. to top it off ... now that hubby's done watching his damn football... he suddenly wants some... ugh! So NOT in the mood! :(

ˈsäləˌterē 27-12-2010 06:15 AM

Kelly, it sounds like we could switch hubbys and none of us would know the difference. I'm sorry! I feel for ya.

ljmeep 27-12-2010 06:19 AM

yeah... *blows off steam* I think I may retreat to bed soon... I'm not really that tired, but I can't SI in there (baby sleeps in our room still and all my tools are kept out of there) so no worries there... maybe I can trick myself into sleeping :/ ....

i told hubby i was too tired for sex ... now i have to fake it *sulks a bit*

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