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-   -   Virtual Psych ward! (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1312)

PsychoKitty2010 19-12-2010 10:20 PM

-snuggles and cuddles with lia and sarah-

I'm feeling...low, I guess. I don't know. Definitely not a good feeling. What I know is tearing me apart and it just seems to get worse by the day. Amara is just taking her toll on me... -sighs-

Sorry you feel restless lia, but it's good to feel alive and jittery to a certain extent. Is there anything fun you could do today? Depending on what time it is there, of course. It is 1:20 in the afternoon here.

How are you feeling, Sarah?

SparkleKitten 19-12-2010 10:23 PM

I'm not too great, been a crappy day and had a bit of a funny experience on here that Mark helped sort for me. Sorry you're low Kitty :(

FlyingNy 19-12-2010 10:23 PM

It's 9.23 at night. It's a sort of panicky restless that I get when I am agitated.

Is Amara the girl you see? *Squishes*

frenchhorn 19-12-2010 10:29 PM

awww thanks Owen *waves to you*

*hugs all* sorry for the lack of indvidual replies, I'm meant to be packing as I'm going home to family for christmas tomorrow and I have no motivation to do anything, just want to sleep.

SparkleKitten 19-12-2010 10:30 PM

*cuddles Lia* what agitated you hun?

PsychoKitty2010 19-12-2010 10:37 PM

Sorry it took so long for me to reply.

Yes, Lia. Amara is the girl. She told me last night what her name is. She said it means eternal...said she will be with me forever... -squeezes her blankies- Sorry to hear you are agitated. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. -hugs tight-

Sarah, I'm sorry that you aren't doing too great. :( Glad to hear that mark was able to help you, though.

-waves to oliver- hi I'm Kitty. We haven't met yet.

How bout some music everyone? -grabs the remote that somehow ended up right next to her and turns the music on-

FlyingNy 19-12-2010 10:38 PM

It's sort of a long and comlicated explanation. Just things in my head that might not be in my head, but are. Only that might be worse because now I'm mental as well. Anywho. Not making sense.

And moving on.

You looking forward to that Oliver?

I'm alright Kitty, don't worry. When did you start seeing Amara Kitty? You can always call on us to ninja her...sorry, inappropriate joke. But I do like the image of ninja wardies.

SparkleKitten 19-12-2010 10:42 PM

She sounds like my Rebecca Kitty... I hear her when I'm awake and sometimes see her when I sleep. She always looks different though, but I know its her from how she speaks and acts.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Strangeness
A girl contacted me telling me she was psychic and she was reaching out to me and she was Rebecca... Mark helped me talk about it, I just didn't want to put it here yet. I didn't really know what to do with myself.

PsychoKitty2010 19-12-2010 10:53 PM

I started seeing her after we lost our baby. I don't know if it was because of that or if it was just her time to come into my life. -shrugs- I did some massive research on schizophrenia last night and realized I have had some of the symptoms for years but they have progressed. I used to just hear things. Now I hear things, and Amara is here now. She's not here, nor there, she is everywhere I go. It's hard to explain, but she sits there and smiles at me evilly. All. Day. Long. And she likes to use flashbacks as weapons against me. She knows what it does to me. She can control me with them and she loves it.

I hate it, because I know I need help. But it's not like I can afford going to the hospital and getting the help. No, I have to wait until January 3rd before I can even see my doctor, and I know that when I tell him about it, he's just going to argue with me. He always does. I wish I had health insurance, I could get the help I need so much easier.

I really don't understand the department of social and human services, though. In order to get on medical through the state, their rules are 1) you have to be a senior citizen, 2) on social security disability, or 3) be pregnant. We just received a letter in the mail from them the other day stating that my husband is now receiving the best type of insurance they have available. But he is not a senior citizen, not on social security, and if he is pregnant, I would be hella worried. But they won't let me get insurance. So this next year I am going to collect my records on my psychiatric evaluation and set up an appointment to go in and see them and try to get them to help me. I need the insurance more than my husband does.

My husband is also still convinced that I can work. I have told him numerous times that my counselor told me not to even think about getting a job at this point, but he doesn't get it. He says, "it's not like you are that disabled. Sure, you have some problems, but so do I."...He likes to think his problems are worse than mine I don't understand why. -sighs-

-cuddles with lia and sarah again- Amara says she will get me, one of these days. :s

SparkleKitten 19-12-2010 10:57 PM

*cuddles Kitty* I'm pretty certain none of the stress will be helping the situation :( She can't get you darling, she's not there, she can't hurt you at all physically. Don't let her hurt you mentally my dear. I wish I could help with the insurance part but I know nothing about anything like that :(

PsychoKitty2010 19-12-2010 11:00 PM

The following content has been hidden - Reason : triggering
Amara is not a solid being. She does not change form, but she took the form of me as a child, when I experienced my first traumatic event. She looks so sweet and innocent, except for the malicious smile upon her face. She uses my chronic post traumatic stress disorder as a weapon against me. She keeps trying to get me to commit suicide. I have been able to fight her off by self harming. For now, she will leave me alone for a while if she just sees blood. She hasn't been happy, though, because my tools are getting dull, and therefore, they cause a lot of pain, but not enough blood for her. So she has grown more angry and violent. She wants me dead. She says I am stupid. I am ugly, fat, and nobody likes me. She says my husband only married me because he felt sorry for me. I'm pathetic. Etc. Etc.

It gets to be too much to handle. And my head hurts. :(

SparkleKitten 19-12-2010 11:02 PM

*snuggles* I wish I could help you more, that sounds awful :( I also wish the health care system would take better care of you too.

PsychoKitty2010 19-12-2010 11:03 PM

-cuddles with sarah with a look of exhaustion and defeated- She is real. She wont go away..

FlyingNy 19-12-2010 11:05 PM

You're not any of those things Kitty, don't listen to her. She can't physically make you do anything. She's not there and she can't hurt you. I don't know a lot about it, but could you try saying no to her? Sending her away? Refusing to look at her? It sounds terrifying, and I don't know what I would do if I was in that situation. This is why we have an NHS, I really disagree with the US not having one, it would help so many people. And lol at the image of your husband pregnant, not that I know what he looks like.

SparkleKitten 19-12-2010 11:14 PM

*cuddles Kitty again* We have something in the UK I heard about on the radio called the hearing voices network, I don't know how much online support they have but it might help. I wish I could give you more help :(

PsychoKitty2010 19-12-2010 11:30 PM

-hugs lia and sarah- thanks, you guys are amazing.

Lia, I have tried saying no and closing my eyes. But she invades my mind, too. She is powerful. And the more I fight, the worse it gets. And I disagree on a lot that the united states does - I'm a conspiracy theorist. I believe that whatever happens in 2012 will be by the hands of the US government.

Sarah, thank you for the information on the hearing voices network, I will google it and check it out. -smiles-

PsychoKitty2010 19-12-2010 11:34 PM

-spots heather and waves- how you be today?

PsychoKitty2010 19-12-2010 11:38 PM

I gots to go...gunna walk to the library. I'll be back in a bit. Hope everyone is ok. -hugs ward-

Louise 19-12-2010 11:39 PM


Originally Posted by Doikers (Post 2616265)
*Hugs Louise* Oohh nice, Tea!! How are you?

Not bad I guess, how are you?

FlyingNy 19-12-2010 11:50 PM

Sorry I wasn't replying. I just kinda left this on screen and did other things.

I hope the website helps Kitty. It does sound like you need health care over this, I really hate the US laws. Stupid thing. It's totally not fair, you shouldn't have to pay to literally be kept alive.

frenchhorn 20-12-2010 12:14 AM

*hugs all*
I'm off to the gym, going to cycle there in the snow!
I won't be around tomorrow as my mum is coming to take me home, I promise to catch up with you all tuesday or wednesday.
take care all
*leaves hugs and calorie free treats in the ward for everyone*

SparkleKitten 20-12-2010 12:14 AM

Its the reason I refuse to ever move to the US. I refuse to pay to keep myself alive. At least in the EU you can still get free emergency healthcare to stay alive.

Sorry for not being here much, I went to the services to get some treats for myself and some fizzy pop.

nicole94 20-12-2010 01:08 AM


MammaMia 20-12-2010 01:09 AM

*finds nicole & hugs* What's up?

*hugs all the wardies*

SparkleKitten 20-12-2010 01:15 AM

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Triggering (possibly ED)
Mums on at my weight, telling me I need to be as thin as possible for my "health" which isn't helping because I just want to starve myself constantly... Help

risenfromperdition 20-12-2010 01:20 AM

=[ i cant help cuz kind of same atm... but im here if you wanna talk =[

SparkleKitten 20-12-2010 01:23 AM

Thanks darling. Mums now off on one because I can't eat spicy food without being ill. I don't know what to do :(

Edit - She bought a box of fajita spice mix around 6 months ago, she refuses to stop putting it in everything, even though it makes me really ill. _

PsychoKitty2010 20-12-2010 01:28 AM

I bes back -spots sarah and waves-

nicole94 20-12-2010 01:29 AM

*clings to helen* I can't do this helen. i've SI'ed twice today, and i still wanna do more. I can feel myself slipping back into that darkness again and I don't like it :( I wanna stay here, I don't wanna be back in 'that' place. :( *cries*

SparkleKitten 20-12-2010 01:34 AM

The following content has been hidden - Reason : ED Trigger?
mums being awful with me, her advice is horrific. She wants me to be like my sister, the only way she got to that was by not eating. Is that what she wants from me? Why does she want to push me like this? *cries*

*clings to Kitty* I'm going to go hide in bed where its safe. She knows I'm mentally unstable, why does she do this? Night ward *cuddles*

PsychoKitty2010 20-12-2010 01:41 AM

-hugs sarah and rubs her back- I'm sorry about how your mom is treating you. Does she know what your sister did to turn up the way she did? If not, could you mention it to her? Could you by any chance move out and distance yourself from her for a while? I know it's hard, but your well being is more important. You say she knows you are mentally unstable, yet she treats you like that? That's not good or healthy for you. :(

-hugs nicole- I'm sorry you are struggling with SI. Is there anything you can do to distract yourself from hurting yourself any more? Please look after your wounds.

risenfromperdition 20-12-2010 01:50 AM

*squishes everyone and wishes i could actually help =[*

nicole94 20-12-2010 01:53 AM

*hugs sarah, kitty and heather*
Can I give up now? Please?

PsychoKitty2010 20-12-2010 01:59 AM

-hugs heather- How are ya doin?

-rubs and pats nicole's back while hugging her- no. No giving up. Sorry.

nicole94 20-12-2010 02:04 AM

Please? I can't fight this anymore, I really can't I've tried so hard. I honestly have. I've spent the last 4 years fighting, slipping up. Then fighting again, but I just can't do it anymore, Its won. I can't live like this anymore.....

risenfromperdition 20-12-2010 02:06 AM

*offers hug* hmm... do you think if you found somewhere to live that wasnt at home it'd be easier? [or did you already move out? i forget :s]

try to take care hun =\ i'd miss you a ton if you werent around and i know im not the only one <3

PsychoKitty2010 20-12-2010 02:15 AM

Nicole, I know how you feel. And I'm sure others here do as well. But you can't give up. If we were to ask you the same thing I'm pretty sure you'd say no... -hugs- I know that doesn't sound right. I cant say anything right. Gah Amara is back again. Sorry I can't be more help.

-sighs and sits in the corner again and hits the back of her head against the wall at a constant rate-

nicole94 20-12-2010 02:46 AM

*hugs heather and kitty*
Heather-Sorry, was that aimed at me?
Kitty-I know I would tell you no :( I'm such a Hypocrite :(
I'm tired but too scared to sleep :(

PsychoKitty2010 20-12-2010 03:05 AM

-hugs nicole back- it's ok. I understand that you are scared. I just wish there was more I could do to help... -sighs-

-spots felicia and waves- how you be?

nicole94 20-12-2010 03:19 AM

*hugs kitty* Thats ok, Thankyou for just being here, you've calmed me down a lot. I no longer feel like I am an immediate danger to myself. So thankyou for that.
Now I just need the thoughts and flashbacks to go away, and I might be able to get some sleep :(

PsychoKitty2010 20-12-2010 03:24 AM

-hugs nicole- good, I'm glad I could help you calm down. And I can really relate to the flashbacks, unfortunately. And unfortunately, I don't have any idea how to make them go away. Amara likes to use them against me, so I wish I knew how. -cuddles- I'm here for you to talk to, though. Sorry if my replies are a bit slow, I have to constantly hide this screen. -.- But I am here. Will be for a while.

frenchhorn 20-12-2010 03:24 AM

*hugs Nicole, Kitty, Heather and Sarah* your all amazing, no one is allowed to give up. Wish I could do more to help you all. Here if anyone wants t chat, talk rant whatever.

EDIT: Nicole and anyone else, while I was in hospital this nurse helped me to calm down while having a flashback, he made me do these random things but it did work, took a while and they don't go for ever, but for a good few hours.
so what you do, is breathe slowly in through your nose for 3 then out through your mouth for 3, you keep doing that for a while, then you wiggle your fingers and toes (strange but he said it was important) you concentrate on your breathing and fingers and toes, then you imagine the flashbacks and the things you can hear/see floating away and becoming more and more distant.

It takes lot to do and it was helpful having him sit there so when they were coming back and I was losing my concentration on the breathing and fingers and toes he could remind me, but after a while they became distant and I could stop freaking out and was able to go back to the day lounge for a few hours and then sleep.

It might not work, but worth a try

PsychoKitty2010 20-12-2010 03:32 AM

-hugs oliver back- I don't know if "amazing" is a word that could describe me very well. But how are you doing?

nicole94 20-12-2010 03:34 AM

*hugs kitty and oliver*
kitty-Thanks, Although I am hoping to get some sleep soon.
Oliver-Thanks for that, I will try it soon. Gonna stay on here for a while and calm down a bit more, then will try that when I go to bed. How are you?

frenchhorn 20-12-2010 03:35 AM

*hugs kitty* I'm debating whether to stay up all night and pack, or sleep for 4 hours, get up at 7 and pack, but I am awful at getting up and would likely over sleep.
went to e gym for 2 hours and cycled there and back, for a few minutes after I felt good, now I feel empty and depressed again, wish I could die, but I don't have any motivation or energy to act on it.

PsychoKitty2010 20-12-2010 03:41 AM

-hugs nicole and oliver- well...hmm...we are all pretty f*ked together then. Least we have each other I suppose, right?

risenfromperdition 20-12-2010 03:42 AM

*squishes anyone who wants*
*curls up in corner*

nicole94 20-12-2010 03:44 AM

*hugs oliver, kitty and heather*
Eugh. We definatley are all pretty ****ed. But it will get better-right?

PsychoKitty2010 20-12-2010 03:47 AM

-hugs heather- wassa matter?

-looks at nicole blankly after hearing her question- Uhhhhhhhh...least we are all together.. -bites her bottom lip, wondering if it WILL ever get better-

risenfromperdition 20-12-2010 04:00 AM

*curls up under blankie and yawns*
i's ok. sleepy.
dont wanna sit exam tomorrow =[

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