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Doikers 14-12-2010 08:58 PM

*Hugs Kitty*

misskitty112 14-12-2010 08:58 PM

*Hugs Kitty* What's going on darling?
*Hugs Nicole*
*Hugs Lindsay* I'm glad you feel hopeful today
*Hugs Mark*

I... miss my tools, a lot. I don't have any money to buy more, and my point was to be safe. be safe.
My stuff for my suicide plan should be arriving soon. I don't even know what I'm gonna do with it... but I'll figure it out.

OH! I got a stuffed penguin from a friend today. It's so cute! And, I did get my pillow pet from my roommate. I named it Enya... haha.

And... I'm not studying. I'm reading a book for like 13 year olds, called Angus, Thongs and Full Frontal Snogging. It's pretty much one of the greatest books I've ever read. No kidding.

I need to study though. Anyone wanna teleport and confiscate my book?

Doikers 14-12-2010 09:05 PM

*Teleports To Felicia's , Confiscates her book* You can have it back in an hour :P Please get rid of your suicide plan stuff when it arrives , Give it to your room mate like you did your tools (I'm sorry you miss your tools , I know just having them is a comfort to me) or just shoove it in a bin on campus that is emptied everyday , or go to a river and just hurl it away?

PsychoKitty2010 14-12-2010 09:14 PM

-lets herself fall to the floor after banging her head several times and hugs mark and felicia back, then hugs her knees-

I tried. I cant do anything right. -points back to where she was talking to julie/amy- A prime example. Im stupid. -bangs the back of her head against the wall-

The nightmares wont go away. Im so tired but afraid to go to sleep again. Had nightmares all throughout the night last night. Never want to sleep again. No. Never. And felicia, you can send your suicide plan stuff to me when it arrives. You dont need to include instructions or a note or anything...Im sure I can figure it out when it arrives...

-starts picking at and scratching the skin on her arms while banging her head against the wall-

Just. Want. To. Be. Free...free...free.......

Doikers 14-12-2010 09:21 PM

You're NOT , repeat NOT stupid kitty :P I won't hear of such ! Yesterday I got confused between Lia and Felicia , It happens to us all :P
I'm sorry you are having nightmares , they. royally. suck. could you maybe get some sedatives from a Dr? they might help you sleep beyond dreams . I'm not sure but I think someone else suggested that but I wanted to make sure. *Huggles*

nicole94 14-12-2010 09:24 PM

*hugs everyone*
Felicia-I love that book. And the film. Eugh
I think it might be bath/bed time. Can't wait till today is over. Night everyone. Stay safe.

Doikers 14-12-2010 09:26 PM

Night Nicole , Sleep well hun :)

PsychoKitty2010 14-12-2010 09:33 PM

-hugs mark back- well according to my oh-so-wonderful husband, you're wrong. He thinks I'm stupid - he feels that he has to explain everything to me in great detail because I am too stupid to know. For instance, he was talking about something yesterday and decided to go into describing what the term "syncing" means - in full detail. I know what it means. But I'm too stupid to know anything. And as for the sedatives/sleeping pills, I go to see my doctor tomorrow. Gawd, I hate him. But I'm hoping he can prescribe me some. My husband also bitches at me for taking medication. He is a conspiracy theorist and believes they are poisoning me and I can do without them. I just want to be free...

-hugs nicole back-

-turns her head, thinking of the plans that she has made as well-

PoisonedApple 14-12-2010 09:37 PM

*hugs everyone*
Kitty, you aren't stupid for the amy/julie mistake... you'll get to know us and how thing like that go with time :)
(speaking of has anyone seen kat or becca around in the past while? i don't wander outside the ward on ryl much anymore but i haven't seen either of them in quite a while...)
I'm crimson by the way :)

Sorry for not answering you spotting me earlier Mark... there was a ton of pages to catch up on. and now i have info overload.

Doikers 14-12-2010 09:38 PM

*Hugs Kitty* I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I really hope your Dr can help you tomorrow. :)

Doikers 14-12-2010 09:42 PM

I haven't heard from either Kat or Beck Crimson, :S *Is concerned a bit*
No worries on earlier though , I spot people all the time and the last 24 hours on here have been super busy , Info overload and a half :S

PsychoKitty2010 14-12-2010 09:45 PM

-hugs crimson and mark back- nice to meet you. I'm kitty. I'm the reject of the litter. -waves paw-

So...I have come up with a few different plans on how to...become free, so to speak. All of them will work, but I'm hoping for the perfect one. Might not find it though. As long as it does its trick, and sets me free, I guess... I just don't know the when factor yet. It depends on when I will have the money for the supplies (unless felicia will send me hers?) and I want to make sure its not right before any holidays. Or my moms or dads birthday.

-looks down at her wrists and ponders- I'm calm now. Calm. My head hurts. My eyes hurt. But I'm calm. I just want to be free. Just to be free. -repeats in a soft innocent voice- They won't go away...they won't stop...until I'm free...

Doikers 14-12-2010 09:52 PM

*Hugs Kitty* Please please don't go through with any suicide plans you have hun , we all have them in here and this place is a great place to get support , Please , if you feel like you would act on these urges come here , tell somebody , anyone you feel safe talking to online or offline .

PsychoKitty2010 14-12-2010 10:01 PM

-hugs mark- -whispers- I feel like acting on them...now. I...I'm kind of afraid, but at the same time, I welcome it. I am just so tired...

If it were 100% up to my counselor, I'd be locked away in a real psych ward right now. I dissociate, bad. When I do, a lot of times I harm and don't remember in the morning what happened...all I know is that I had harmed. But I don't have health insurance, and no money. So they can't just lock me up and throw away the key...unfortunately, help comes with a hefty price. At least, it does here in the great USA - I want to move out of this country so bad.

I am kinda scared, though. Being that I dissociate and stuff...I'm kinda scared that I might do something else or cut too deep and end up dying before I'm ready. I don't trust myself...I never can...I am the best of friends to others, I try my best to help and support, but I suck at helping myself. I just...can't afford it. -shrugs- It all boils down to money.

PsychoKitty2010 14-12-2010 10:03 PM

I will be back in a few minutes or so - shouldn't be longer than an hour. If it is...well...ya I'm saying it shouldn't be. I need to get food. xx

Doikers 14-12-2010 10:08 PM

Oh please please take good care of yourself if you possibly can Kitty *Hugs* Enjoy your food :)

Doikers 14-12-2010 10:09 PM

Right Wardmates I'm going to bed
*Night time hugs my wardies*
Catch you all tomorrow.
Stay safe .
Love you guys <3

risenfromperdition 14-12-2010 10:14 PM

*squishes anyone who wants*
love you guyssss

PoisonedApple 14-12-2010 10:15 PM

*hugs Mark goodnight and tucks him in*

FlyingNy 14-12-2010 10:37 PM

*Hugs Kitty* He did you know (Mark got me and Felicia mixed up) and I called my best friend Sarah once, despite the fact that back then I knew no one called Sarah in any way shape or form. It happens to the best of us. I forgot my own name once. I don't know exactly what I am going to do about it, but I won't let you go through with any plans. Is there really nowhere you can go other than being with your husband? If he is getting you down so much,is anywhere not better? I understand it's not so simple, but is there any way?

*Hugs rest of ward.*

PoisonedApple 14-12-2010 10:49 PM

*dances around the ward* FINALLY! the benefits people finally quit being a pain in the arse. I can quit putting myself into debt to keep my family fed and housed (at least for another 6 months when I have to re-certify again)... only took them 2 whole months.
*hugs Lia*

FlyingNy 14-12-2010 10:51 PM

Yay Crimson :) *hugs*

PsychoKitty2010 14-12-2010 11:01 PM

I'm back. Night night mark -hugs mark goodnight-

-hugs Lia back- I would, but I don't know where I would go. I sometimes go for walks, but if I go while my husband is awake, he will insist on going with me. If I say no, he gets really mad, and it turns out worse than it started. I would go to a friends house, but...I don't have friends here. My closest friends are about 2 and a half hours away from me. They live in the same town that my family lives in. My closest not so close relatives live about 2 hours away. And, being that I had to medically withdraw from school for this semester, I can't use the excuse that I am going to go study at the college, either. I'm on an invisible leash and trapped. But...why can't I be free? I am held by my husband, by my past, by fears that he is going to find me and kill me. I may want to die, but I don't want him to be the one to kill me...if I die, I want to go on my own standards. I don't want my last moments facing him...I never want to see him again.

-sits back in the corner against the wall and squishes with heather-

PsychoKitty2010 14-12-2010 11:04 PM

-hugs crimson- I'm glad you don't have to worry about that anymore. 6 months is better than nothing. One less thing to worry about for a while is always nice.

marshki 14-12-2010 11:07 PM

ello, i'm finally back home again after being a inpatient- so back to my lil corner here i go....
*runs to the far corner*
*hides and sobs*

PsychoKitty2010 14-12-2010 11:11 PM

-spots marshki at the far corner and waves a paw- you can come squishle with me and heather if you'd like -pats spot next to her -there's room for ya.

FlyingNy 14-12-2010 11:17 PM

*Hugs Marshki* What's the matter?

Kitty, I wish we all lived close together on the ward, then I could make you move in with me, but I am not even in the USA, I'm in England, so that's a wee fail. This is a good place to escape to, it may not be technically real, but the people in the ward are and we can all do our best to help you though the low times.

FlyingNy 14-12-2010 11:18 PM

Shaz. Your name is Shaz (not that you needed telling) *Hugs Shaz (again).

SparkleKitten 14-12-2010 11:37 PM

I failed last night. Now my hand and leg both hurt. Not happy.

Not heard anything from Rebecca today though. Feels strange.

*cuddles ward*

FlyingNy 15-12-2010 12:02 AM

*Hugs Sarah.* I'm sorry, I have no words right now I just wanted you to now I'm not ignoring you.

PsychoKitty2010 15-12-2010 12:02 AM

-snaps back into it and looks around, noticing everyone disappeared-

Damnit. Fail. Hate filling out christmas cards...I dont even believe in christmas!

-hugs sarah- I'm sorry you slipped up last night. -slips back into her corner-

SparkleKitten 15-12-2010 12:07 AM

*cuddles Lia* Thanks hun x

*snuggles Kitty* I hate writing cards too :( My hands fail with my joints and so my writing is just getting worse and it makes me sad when they're scruffy. :(

PsychoKitty2010 15-12-2010 12:13 AM

-pats the spot nest to her- you can sit next to me in the corner if you want. Anyone is welcome - its a magical corner and there are unlimited amounts of spots next to me. I hate filling out cards because it just makes me super anxious I don't know why...any kind of cards. I just feel overwhelmed by them and eventually freak out. And, my husbands handwriting is horrible, so I am the one who always has to fill them out. It's hard to give up tradition, even if you don't believe in the religion...thats the only reason I still do it...tradition...

MammaMia 15-12-2010 12:15 AM

*cuddles everyone*

PoisonedApple 15-12-2010 12:17 AM

Am I the closes to Kitty of us on the ward? (I live in Alaska, Kitty)

My biggest fail with Christmas/Yule/Hanukkah cards is that everyone gets offended if I send them 'Season's Greetings' so I gave up buying them and got a stamps set and make them with the kids now and just add an inscription for whoever... This means it takes forever and they're late or it doesn't get done usually. Fail.

Welcome back Shaz!

*hugs everyone*

yeah 6 months is better than nothing, kitty, I just wish i didn't have to deal with it at all. I had to fight tooth and nail and it still took 2 months to get it fixed so i was receiving anything at all... :(

MammaMia 15-12-2010 12:19 AM

Let's hope they backdate it Crimson, they should do :) When I was old enough to receive DLA, they had to transfer it from my Mum getting to me and kept ****ing up, so it took until August & my 16th birthday was March!!! But they backdated it for me once it was all sorted.

SparkleKitten 15-12-2010 12:21 AM

*joins Kitty in the corner* I don't like feeling so crappy. My hand is a teeny tiny scratch but its swollen and achy. Stupid immune system. Had to have 2 injections today for my holiday. And I've been constantly hungry and piling on weight recently and I hate it. I really do not like the way I look right now. Mum bought a jigsaw of me and my sister for my nan and I look freaking huge >:(

PsychoKitty2010 15-12-2010 12:25 AM

:( At least you were able to get the assistance, though. That nightmare is over for a while. And I live in washington state - want out of the united states so bad though - mainly because of health care reasons, but there are others as well.

Everyone I send cards to is christian - or some form of it anyway. I was raised in a christian household, but dumped the religion when I was 14 because after I was...well I won't go into it because I don't want to accidentally trigger anyone. But, something bad happened when I was 14 and I tried telling one of my "friends" about it...she told me to go jump off a bridge and die. Then I tried turning to the church for help...they turned their backs and walked away. Then I did some research and decided I didn't want to be a part of that religion anymore. Now I have another religion -shrugs-

PoisonedApple 15-12-2010 12:27 AM

They did backdate, thankfully, Hels. It helps some but for the damage of overdrafting to pay stuff that was already done. I was worried for a while that the holidays would be totally ruined for the kids... now it'll be small but at least it'll exist. And we decided on which house we're going to get. The one I wanted wouldn't take an offer as low as we made (though they over priced it) so we looked more and found this one.The kitchen isn't as awesome but it's still really awesome and D's agreed to put in granite counters as soon as we can afford it after we finish the basement level. (The basement is half way to being an apartment so we're going to finish it off.) :hop:

PsychoKitty2010 15-12-2010 12:27 AM

-offers sarah a pillow and a fuzzy blankie- I know how you feel, hun. I feel like a fat pig. Do you have any neosporin for your hand and/or leg? Or any cream similar to it? It's not the best solution, but I don't know...seems to help at least a little.

SparkleKitten 15-12-2010 12:30 AM

Yeah I'm using Germoline for the pain, it helps and it keeps it clean too. I've gone up at least a clothes size in the past 3 weeks and I despise it. *curls up in fuzzy blankie* I wouldn't mind but I don't help myself either >:(

PsychoKitty2010 15-12-2010 12:35 AM

Ya...I see it pointless to help myself because I feel like I don't deserve it. Other people deserve it more than me. -rubs sarah's back a little- I am that type of person though. And people love to just come into my life and use me in any way they can because they know I'm such a nice person, I'll do anything! Then they leave. Meh. -hugs her knees and starts rocking again-

PoisonedApple 15-12-2010 12:35 AM

I'd like to move out of the US too but getting D to move out of state is hard enough, let alone out of country.

I quit tried on many religions and decided on Paganism but it gets complicated at the house since D and I are both different kinds of Pagan we have almost all Christian family and let the kids celebrate Christmas and believe in Santa...

PoisonedApple 15-12-2010 12:37 AM

*pouts at my inability to keep up and typing so slow*
Ugh I suppose I should get more work done... I don't wanna but it helps my financial situation...

SparkleKitten 15-12-2010 12:46 AM

*cuddles Kitty* you're amazing, thank you for being here for me. I need hugs.

*snuggles Crimson* I'm religion-less. I find it easier to focus on myself that way. I hate working on stuff when I'm not in the mood. I'll never cope in a job :(

PsychoKitty2010 15-12-2010 12:56 AM

My husband and I consider ourselves to be Pagan as well. We consider ourselves to be Wiccan, but there are some things that I don't necessarily believe about the religion and some things that I'm not as into as other Wiccans are. But meh. My brother Chris lead me to the religion...even though he's not alive...gawd I miss him...

-trembles and just stares blankly while rocking faster-

SparkleKitten 15-12-2010 01:00 AM

I'm distraught. I'm above the weight I promised I'd never let myself get to as its so unhealthy. *sighs and hides away*

PsychoKitty2010 15-12-2010 01:07 AM

I am, too. I want to die. -shakes-

SparkleKitten 15-12-2010 01:11 AM

*cuddles Kitty* Don't die, I'd miss you so much, you're lovely and I need you x

PoisonedApple 15-12-2010 01:12 AM

So am I. But I'm hoping after my in-laws move out (read 'get thrown out' here) and my stress level goes down (along with our bills) I'll manage to be bothered to work out and actually get somewhere with my size -in a healthy way-.

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