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Scarletdreamer 26-09-2010 07:07 PM

Fail. Fail. Fail.
^^ that's me.

I can't do this anymore. I can't. Simply cannot.

Doikers 26-09-2010 07:10 PM

*Hugs April Tons* You're NOT a fail April . Whats made you say that ?

misskitty112 26-09-2010 07:11 PM

You are NOT a fail, April.
I heart you.

FlyingNy 26-09-2010 07:23 PM

*Hugs April* What's wrong honey? You're not a fail, and you CAN do this. You're a much better person than you give yourself credit for, just like you've told me all those times :)

MammaMia 26-09-2010 07:33 PM

You are NOT a fail, April.
I love you..

shadowedsoul 26-09-2010 08:51 PM

Cuddles all. Wow that was another crap day, going to have a few drinks tonight need to unwind and feel numb. =( sorry guys

Doikers 26-09-2010 09:00 PM

Oh *Hugs Jill* Please take good care :S

misskitty112 26-09-2010 09:09 PM

I'm such a perfectionist. It is insanely maddening.
I finally got up the energy to walk downstairs and take a shower. All during my shower I tried to recall every point I've made thus far in my Chaucer paper and figure out how badly it sucked. I made a list of things I need to do in my head, and exactly how much time I have to get it done.
I'm gonna drive myself crazy by the end of the week.
So... to do list:
1. Turn my history and journalism definitions into note cards (Tonight! So I can study them soon)
2. Finish paper (Make sure Dr. Rieger says you're on track first. See him Monday. Finish it ASAP)
3. Creative Writing scene (Do tonight.)
4. Read for Witchcraft (Finish by Tuesday)
5. Read for Lit Theory (Finish by Wednesday)
6. Memorize AP style for journalism midterm Thursday.
7. Stop sucking so much at schoolwork. Seriously.

I think I'm going to go insane.
3. Creative Writing scene (Do Tonight.)

SparkleKitten 26-09-2010 09:34 PM

Ugh I have no motivation to do my assigned uni work. I mean whenever I look at it I can't even figure out what I'm supposed to be doing. Its just not fair. My joints are all hurting tonight too. I can't win :( *hides*

Doikers 26-09-2010 09:40 PM

*Finds and Hugs Sarah*

Scarletdreamer 26-09-2010 09:40 PM

Thanks to all who said I'm not a fail. :( But honestly, I do feel like one. :'(

What's going on... aw crap, I don't know if a post could hold all of that (or if your head could) without exploding!! hah. Let's see if I can do a short version:

- friend triggered me yesterday evening unintentionally by talking about her "goal weight" (she has an ED).
- I got frustrated by this huge ugly body I lug around with me because it WILL NOT lose weight normally, or else I don't have the self discipline for it, I don't know. And her goal weight was a bit under what my "old" goal weight was, and her goal weight would put her at approximately HALF of what I weigh. :'( And so I started crying.
- Jarrod told me that I might just "have" to be on a meal plan to lose weight. Because it "was working" before. (I kind of dumped it because it was 1) too sweet [there was nothing salty/savory in it!!], 2) too boring [no options!!], and 3) not enough food.)
- I freaked out and cried harder, went to the bedroom and called my parents. Which was stupid because they don't get anything that's going on.
- My dad told me that "all feelings belong on the flames" or something like that, which pissed me off. I may well use "I don't want to/feel like" as an excuse far too often but that does NOT justify condemning ALL feelings to, basically, Hell.
- Fast-forward to today. I've been lonely. So ****ing lonely.
- Out of the past 36 hours I've spent approximately 1.5 hours with Jarrod. Umm, HELLO, we LIVE TOGETHER?!!? We're MARRIED?!?! :-/
- Out of 10 hours at work today Jarrod spent 7 or 8 minutes talking with me.
- He said that this is the last Sunday he'll be working, apparently justifying that by the fact that I didn't go to church. He said that he "thought I could function without him" but apparently can't? and apparently going to church or not is a measure of my functioning?
- He hung up on me. Arguably, I was being rather an ass.
- My mum thinks that making muffins and listening to inspirational music will make everything peachy again.

Okay. I'll stop there. Oh, and I've journaled nearly 10 pages so far today. Yeah. Lots of thinking, fuming, crying, and outright ANGER at a LOT of people. Haha. And yes, that WAS the shortened version. :-S Sorry it got so freaking long.


SparkleKitten 26-09-2010 09:42 PM

Thanks Mark *cuddles* I just feel like a complete failure right now :(

*cuddles April* I don't know what I can say to make you feel better other than you're not a failure and we're all here for you

Scarletdreamer 26-09-2010 10:33 PM

Why can't I EVER DO A SINGLE ****ING THING RIGHT?!!?!?!?

shadowedsoul 26-09-2010 10:40 PM

bear hugs april.
erm why the hell cant i stop crying tonight.

SparkleKitten 26-09-2010 10:45 PM

I hate myself, I really do. All I know is I'm liable to fail this year of university, I push everyone who is close to me away and I'm so flawed I could fall apart any moment. *hides away* I'm sorry x

MammaMia 26-09-2010 10:57 PM

Dpsjoihdfug Fr[fhtngbiodfydsofh

RYUU 26-09-2010 11:13 PM

*hugs everyone *
The devil is telling me to cut am trying not to he is so loud but am listening to music

MammaMia 27-09-2010 01:13 AM

One week til I see my best friend.
Please go as fast!!!
Night ward, even if it is dead x

Scarletdreamer 27-09-2010 01:17 AM

Hels, what's going on?? *big cuddles* (is there such a thing as "big cuddles"?? :P)

Sarah, maybe, if it's a definite that you're going to fail, try to take medical leave or something like that? I had to do that one semester at my uni... but that's in the States so I'm not sure if you can do that in the UK. I'm sure it would somehow translate though? *cuddles gently* Also, I'm sure that you're not as flawed as you think you are. I mean, as humans, we're ALL flawed... but often not as badly as we think we are. Hope that made sense!!

Jill, are you okay, sweetie? Sometimes crying is a good thing... I've been a veritable fountain of tears for the past few weeks, so much so to the point that Jarrod's gotten worn out with how I KEEP CRYING. Ahaha. >_< I hate it too but it's better than cutting or drinking or anything of that sort, in my eyes. *hugs gently*

Ryuu, keep fighting!!! You can do it. *cheers you on, and hugs at the same time* :)

shadowedsoul 27-09-2010 01:42 AM

hugs everbody.
april: (shrugs shoulders),its crazy im a bit of a mess tonight. cant keep the trears from flowing. i know crying is a good way to get rid of pent up emotions,but i need to stop crying, need to keep a brave face on. even if everthing around me is falling apart. hugs april back.

risenfromperdition 27-09-2010 02:03 AM

sorry all of us seem to be having a rough time atm =\

*group hugs for anyone who wants to join in*
will do individuals tomorrow.
love you guys <3

Scarletdreamer 27-09-2010 02:14 AM

*sighs, hides in the warren, & curls up to sleep...* :(

shadowedsoul 27-09-2010 02:47 AM

Tiptoes into the warren,finds April and gives her a big bear hugs. Gently so not to wake her up. =p. Stay safe April <3

MedicAsh 27-09-2010 05:43 AM

*checks in for a while*
*hides in the corner under her soft blankie*

Doikers 27-09-2010 11:03 AM

*Group Hugs*

Hi QueenMedic , I'm Mark :)

MedicAsh 27-09-2010 11:37 AM

Hi Mark, I am Ash (or Ashley)

*group hugs*

shadowedsoul 27-09-2010 12:28 PM

Cuddles all, then goes into a corner and hides under a blanket. Sorry guys.

shadowedsoul 27-09-2010 01:37 PM

Sorry for double posting feeling unsafe and triggered. Just want to hide. Sorry for being a pain.

Doikers 27-09-2010 01:41 PM

*Hugs Jill Tons*

I've just had a letter from the Houseing Benefit people , I've been picked out by the new government scheme to be checked on for my benefits , I'm stressed now , It makes me feel like I'm cheating the system even though I know I'm not and they say in the letter that they can take away my Housing Beneifts !! I need them for rent :S Triggered , stressed , Headache , Don't need this........

Kahlia1981 27-09-2010 03:03 PM

*hugs all ward mates*

*waves at Ash* Hi, I'm Kahlia. Welcome to the ward. We're a pretty friendly bunch of people and it can move incredibly fast around here. I hope you can find whatever you need whether that be someone to listen to you or some cyber hugs from all around the world. :-)

I'm jumping online to quickly let you all know that my computer is basically out of commission. It's going to take a AU$900 rebuild to "fix" the problem because the component which requires replacing means that the three biggest integral parts of the computer (motherboard, CPU and RAM) all need to be replaced. Of course I now have to come up with the money so my housemate has allowed me to share his computer until the parts can be ordered and fitted.

The upshot of this is that I won't have as much access to the computer as I would like to or am used to and that will cause me some serious grief, but it is better that destroying the "old" components. You can rest assured I will be thinking of all of you and wondering how things are going for you all.

*finds and pats Puppy SinClair and leaves hugs, stuffed animals and safe love and care packages on the table for everyone to find*

Doikers 27-09-2010 03:08 PM

Oh NO! Kahlia , Eep , I'm sorry about your computer , I will be thinking of you even though you can't get online as much *Hugs* It's nice of your Flat Mate to share though :)

shadowedsoul 27-09-2010 03:38 PM

Can't do this, stressed, and very triggered, damn it I need to want to hurt. My head is such a mess today, can't keep it straight.

risenfromperdition 27-09-2010 04:03 PM

*hugs everyone*

hope you sleeped good april <3

good luck with the housing benefits thingy mark- im sure if they know you need it for rent and whatnot you'll be fine, and you;re not cheating the system

*hugs shadowed [god my memory needs to stop f*cking me about... i cant remember your name =\]* you CAN do this, here if wanna talk :)

kahlia, sucks bout your comptuer =[

*curls up in corner* ergh, had breakfast. full =[ dont liiike =\

misskitty112 27-09-2010 04:46 PM

*hugs Ash* Heyyy. I'm Felicia.
*Hugs Mark* I'm sorry you're triggered.
*hugs Kahlia* That sucks about your computer. I hope you can get it fixed soon
*hugs Jill*
*Hugs Heather*

I hate school. My professor likes my thesis for my Chaucer paper. Hates the way I supported it. So... I have to rewrite six pages. plus my other work, plus Banned Book week.

one_step_closer 27-09-2010 05:25 PM

*hugs everyone*

My brother was over visiting this weekend so I have been kept distracted. I'm scared of what's going to happen now he's gone.

Doikers 27-09-2010 05:40 PM

*Hugs Jill* Talk to us if you feel triggered , it might help :)

*Hugs Felicia* I'm sorry you dislike school , Do you like some parts of it ? you could focus on them ?

shadowedsoul 27-09-2010 05:52 PM

Erm I ended up hurting, my nuckles are killing me. Really want to do worse, sod it.

RYUU 27-09-2010 05:56 PM

*hugs everyone*
I spoke to my cpn i lied and told him that everything was fine but it isnt the devil is stronger he wants me to die am scared am going to do something bad

one_step_closer 27-09-2010 06:01 PM

Jill, please try not to hurt yourself more. We are here for you.

RYUU, can you speak to your CPN again and be honest with him?

Scarletdreamer 27-09-2010 06:02 PM

Good morning/afternoon/evening, whatever it is where you are. :) And sorry, no indivs again at the moment... :( But welcome, Ashley, I'm April. Nice to see another new face around here. As Kahlia said, we're a friendly, chatty, supportive group of people... but the ward can move quite quickly at times so don't worry if you can't really keep up all that well, especially at first. :)

Totally made a mess of today by not getting up until 8:45am... that's SUPER SUPER LATE for me and now I feel like I've wrecked the day. I am officially stupid.

I have to leave to go to my nutritionist's in a bit. **** that. I really really do NOT want to go. She says that I "don't emote well" - i.e., show emotions, I guess? bleh, it's just that I feel like I have to wear a mask around her 'cause I don't know her very well at all!!! - and I really don't want to go!!!!! *whinges* Heh. I know, I know, I should just SHADDUP and be thankful that I can see a nutritionist etc. But... well, okay fine, I'll shut up. :'( About that anyway.

Ugh. I can't believe I'm still tired!!! after almost exactly 12 hours of sleep. :-S Really need to start setting my alarm for 6:30ish. :( Can't be letting myself sleep so damn much.

*hides in the warren again after glomping Lia, Ryuu, and Jill* <3

risenfromperdition 27-09-2010 06:12 PM

*snuggles april* :) im just gonna answer this on fb cuz im lazy but yus. <3 love youuuu

RYUU 27-09-2010 06:13 PM

He'll be out of the office now got an appointment with him on Friday
Will be honest with him

Doikers 27-09-2010 06:24 PM

*Huggles Heather*

*Glomps April*

*Bear tackles Lindsay*

*Snuggles Ryuu* I agree that you should try and speak the truth to your cpn , you could write it down and hand them the paper , I've done that , it can help .

SoMuchMore 27-09-2010 06:42 PM

*hugs everyone tight*

Sorry that most of us are struggling right now.

Hi Ash! I'm Laura.

There have been too many pages for me to try to do individuals, but I have read all of them. I just keep getting more and more busy. Sorry everyone, Im really not trying to ignore. <3

Anyway, I went to the weekly meeting for my web editor position and it was confusing as heck. Everyone else knew what was going on and nobody really explained anything to me.. which i did not appreciate at all. I guess its going to be more of a figure it out as I go position. Also, had a pretty good weekend with my parents. Its good to see them in short spurts... its when im around family for a long time that things start to get dicey heh. Other than that, I think i am pretty much living for work right now. Nobody at the newspaper realizes how that job is keeping me alive but it is. Everyone remember, one reason... no matter how trivial it may seem... one reason to live is enough.

nicole94 27-09-2010 07:01 PM


FlyingNy 27-09-2010 07:03 PM

I hate my mother.

nicole94 27-09-2010 07:08 PM

*quickily comes out of her hiding place, jumps on lia and gives her a big bear hug, then runs back in again so noone see's her.*

Doikers 27-09-2010 07:08 PM

*Hugs Nicole* Why do you hide?

*Hugs Lia* Whats the matter Lia?

FlyingNy 27-09-2010 07:15 PM

I just thought all that has ended.

*Hugs Nicole and Mark*

You alright Nicole?

nicole94 27-09-2010 07:18 PM

*hugs mark and lia*
i'm just really triggerd at the moment, group work scares the crap outta me and i've been having to work on our group project all day with 4 other girls which has been really hard and i'm just fed up now and wanna SH :(

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