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SoMuchMore 31-05-2010 03:31 AM

... really really bad...

Just want to disappear

taz35 31-05-2010 03:32 AM

*hugs Laura* What's wrong?

*hugs Julie, Hels & Kahlia* since I see you all.

MammaMia 31-05-2010 03:33 AM

*cuddles all*

What's wrong Laura? :(

Kahlia1981 31-05-2010 03:37 AM

*huggles Heather* - I'm okay, just cold. How are you?

*hugs Julie* - Is there anything we can help with Julie?

*digs down in hole and hugs April* - Sounds like there was a lot happening. Apart from exhausted, how are you doing?

*huggles Laura* - You okay? Anythign we can do to help?

*glomps Taz* - Sorry, just had to glomp someone. :p How are you doing?

I've read quite a bit of a good book on Reverse Engineering. It's really good. The last chapter went into a bit of detail on Assembly Language which was easy for me to understand because I've spent a bit of time learning it. Now I'm learning about how the Windows O/S works. It's extremely interesting ... I think I might be a geek. lol.

At least it is keeping me busy ...

Kahlia1981 31-05-2010 03:37 AM

*pounces on Hels and hugs her* - Sorry for missing you there. How are you doing?

MammaMia 31-05-2010 03:40 AM

*hugs Kahlia lots* I'm doing okay. Well mostly. Ended up having a massive cry earlier. My best friend's been really struggling, so been very worried. She came online on Saturday & eventually last night (it's now Monday early am here) and just ended up crying about her. I'm soooooo worried sick about her, I know her hubby will keep her safe. The things she said just broke my heart, it's not her fault, she didn't ask for things to happen :'( Worried about my other best friend aswell. I love them both, am so scared of losing them. We'll win our fight eventually, I know, but I'm *still* scared :'(

SoMuchMore 31-05-2010 03:40 AM

I've spent the last 2 days having to rip apart everything in my life, pointing out all of the bad, and then listening to other people rip apart the rest. Reasoning for me talking bad about my life/things is a very long story.. But in part it was to please selfish people. And then today at my sister grad party.. I had to listen to my extended family talk bad about my university and other things. Why I am never good enough for anyone?

MammaMia 31-05-2010 03:41 AM

You're good enough for us sweetheart & I'm sure you are for other people :( *cuddles tight*

taz35 31-05-2010 03:46 AM

*hugs Laura* You're more than good enough for us <3

*cuddles Hels* It sounds like good reasons to be scared, I'm sure any one of us would feel the same <3 Keep yourself safe though, okay?

*pounces on Kahlia* You're definitely a geek ;) But that's okay. Geeks are awesome :-)

I just SI'ed. Told myself I wouldn't... almost made it to 3 full days, and gave in. It was too easy. Nobody is home except my brother, and he's all the way upstairs. I don't even know why. Can't even remember what triggered me. F*ck.

SoMuchMore 31-05-2010 03:54 AM

I just try and try and nothing I do is ever good enough.. There is always something wrong with who I am or what I do. For my mom, its the scars... for my uncle it's my uni because it is not the one HE would have chosen.. for a few other family members its because my uni is too much of a party school... and the list could go on.

It's making me hate who I am and what i do. It's all pointless. I am a fail and i always will be.

*cuddles helen* i'm glad that you are feeling alright. I really do think that you and your friends will get through all of this.

*hugs taz* sorry to hear that you SI'd. Wish I more words for you right now. *offers cuddles*

*hugs kahlia* i'm a geek too! lol Its okay to be one. Glad you are keeping busy

I spy julie!

taz35 31-05-2010 03:59 AM

*cuddles Laura* You are not a fail at all <3 I can see how that would be a ton of added pressure and frustrations. Have you tried talking to any of them, telling them to maybe back off?

Kahlia1981 31-05-2010 04:27 AM

Hels: *huggles you then holds tightly* That's a very valid reason to be scared hon. I agree with Laura, you and your friends will get through this. It's just an unfortunate thing about life that we all have to go through these absolute crap bits to get to the good stuff. *offers stuffed animal*

Laura: I have to echo everyone else. You are good enough for us, but can I ask you a question. Are you good enough for you? Because in the end that is the only person that you really have to please. In the end, when everything is weighed and balanced, all that will really matter is whether You are happy with your decisions. That doesn't mean you'll be happy with all of them, but if, on average, you are happy, then you have won. *hugs you*

*pounces on Taz* - Would you believe that my brother says I'm not a geek? Nor a nerd? My housemate just says he doesn't know me lol. But thanks so much. Geeks are awesome. :-)

risenfromperdition 31-05-2010 04:42 AM

*cuddles laura*
poke me on fb if wanna

SoMuchMore 31-05-2010 06:45 AM

*hugs helen, taz, kahlia, and heather*

I can't tell them to back off. I dont know how to be forward like that, i suck at it.
And, i dont know if i am good enough for me. I don't really know who i am. I've never really cared about myself, so it hasn't mattered

Thanks everyone though. I really appreciate it. you are all awesome <3

xxjuliexx 31-05-2010 06:59 AM

*sits in box and eats a orange*

Kahlia1981 31-05-2010 07:33 AM

*hugs Laura* - Maybe that's something to consider. First find out who you really are. What do you like/dislike, what do you enjoy and what makes you you? It could be a long process, but it might be worth it. I don't know. Can I ask though, when you do something now - like going to uni for example - who do you do it for? I'm sorry if I'm being a pain in the arse or asking questions that you don't want to answer. Also if I'm being nosy. It just seems to me that it must be hard if you don't know who you are when it comes time to make big life decisions - the sort that everyone struggles with. You know should I marry him/her or should I leave this town to go to this city/uni/etc. But anyway my dear, you are important to us. *big huggles*

*huggles Julie* - oh, now I want an orange. Do you know what kind it is?

I just enroled for a course of study. I got really upset because it showed me at an address that I had previously lived at but had NEVER provided them with - and a home phone number where the same deal applied.

xxjuliexx 31-05-2010 07:35 AM

i dunno the orange kind

SoMuchMore 31-05-2010 08:00 AM

Kahlia - For the last 4 years of my life i have defined myself by other factors in my life that are mostly not in existence anymore. They all left and i was left lost.. So in the past, big life decisions had been made in reference to those others factors.. It was because of them that I even pictured a future for myself, I never thought i would make it this far in life, and now that none of them are there, i dont really know what to do. And I do uni because it is what i should do and its the only thing i am good at. I am smart enough for uni and I am smart enough to get a Master's degree after i graduate next year, so I do it because that is what i was always meant to do. That's the plan. Plus I can't go through life letting people see me as someone who is a nothing. Even if i feel like a nothing, i don't want other people to think of me like that. I guess thats part of my social anxiety issues.

Oh and that seems kinda strange about the address issues.. I wonder how they wouldve gotten the old info.

*hugs julie* An orange sounds good.. i think. Im actually allergic to oranges but they look/smell good usually :-)

katnovia 31-05-2010 08:58 AM

shadowed soul: I'm sorry I vanished last night and wasn't there for you.I had to take little rosie to bed, she just couldn't take it anymore. *holds you close* how are you feeling now?

me love cuddls helen *hug* helen and taz. me get better writting what you thin k?

*huggles taz*

*hugs julie, kahlia, laura and everyone else she's forgotton* *gets grumpy with self for having a **** memory*

Doikers 31-05-2010 11:13 AM

I'm going to stay at my Parents with my sister for the day , I at least will be safer there , safer from S.I. .Sorry for the lack of individual replies . I feel drained , ugh sorry .

Rosie I think you are getting better at writing yes :)

*Group Hugs*

shadowedsoul 31-05-2010 11:18 AM

Huggles kat, that's okay I completely understand. Hope
rosie feeling better today cuddles if that okay. Hmm I'm
in pain tryed walking about and can't even put my left
foot on the ground, not sure how I'm going to do an 8
hour shift today. *cuddles in kat and cries*

Doikers 31-05-2010 11:37 AM

Jill*Hugs* What did you do to your foot ? *Hugs Jills foot gently*

MammaMia 31-05-2010 01:04 PM

*cuddles everyone*

Taz, Laura, Kahlia, thank you ladies. I'm glad you agreed :) We'll be okay, we're the three musketeers LOL!! My best friend who was really upset last night is a bit better Jade & think my very long texts helped. She's coming online later YAY. My other best friend seems to be better too :) Keep thinking about how I don't want her to go into hospital in a few days (well less than 2 weeks) BUT I know she's got to go in & I want her to...

Rosie, your writing is getting better indeed *hugs you & Kat back lots*

shadowedsoul 31-05-2010 01:43 PM

hugs mark cheers Hun, hmm had argument with a freind
on the stair in her flat, yeah I know not a great Idea. Ended
up falling down the stair from half way up. my own fault
I wouldn't do what she asked and was being pigheaded.
so I'm walking about with a bit of a limp, my whole
body is screaming in pain and I have got an 8 hour ****
a head of me, great just great.

Doikers 31-05-2010 03:47 PM


Originally Posted by shadowedsoul (Post 2327074)
and I have got an 8 hour ****
a head of me, great just great.

I know it's not funny really but this typo made me smile;-)

Kitkat :) 31-05-2010 03:50 PM

Haven't had any urges today... Still feel odd though.

CrazyHayley 31-05-2010 06:44 PM

Hello there my fellow wardies!! *group huggle!!*

Oh my goodness, the past few days have been a bit crazy for me - good job I'm sane to cope with it! My best mate had a kind of breakdown due to the side effects of an anti-depressent that she was put on and ended up wanted to kill herself or be sectioned. But it turns out, when we called a doctor, that she was put on the wrong medication, so now she's got to have withdrawal but should then be much better. Bloody idiot doctors!! Anyhoo, so I was with her on my birthday and stayed a few days. We also went out on a 'random one' as we like to when in need of focusing our minds on happy things and both bought a house bunny rabbit!! (I know that you should never by a pet on a whim, so please don't tell me off, I've been wanting a pet for ages but hadn't got one cos I'm not actually allowed one in my tenancy agreement - whoops!) Anyhoo, I got back to my mine saturday night and have been getting Reginald (Reggie for short) settled in and this is the first chance I've had to get out my laptop and make sure the wires are out of nibbling reach! ......

....so I've missed 20pages which I'm afraid I haven't time to catch up on at the moment as I've other things to catch up with and birthday thank-you cards to make, but I was thinking of you all and wishing you well.

I'll try and check back in later and be a better wardie.

*toddles of into corner to make thank-you cards*

shadowedsoul 31-05-2010 06:44 PM

Lol sorry I just read what I wrote. Opps ment shift.

Doikers 31-05-2010 08:28 PM

Oh I'm so sorry Jill I didn't mean it in a mean way :( sorry....

katnovia 31-05-2010 10:20 PM

*holds Jill gently as she cries* It's alright hunny. *rocks you softly* Have you thought about medical attention sweet?

*hugs mark and helen* i'll tell rosie to come on tommorrow so she can read your comments on her writing. She'll be so happy.

*rubs feet and nose* so cold. silly weather wont make up it's mind.

shadowedsoul 31-05-2010 11:03 PM

Mark hunni, I know you didn't mean anything nasty. When
I saw that burst out laughing, it's all good hunni.
Hmm cat nah doctors are muppets hopefully it will be okay
in a couple of days. holds on tightly, sorry for being clingy.

shadowedsoul 31-05-2010 11:09 PM

Sorry if that sounded shitty, just don't want my perents
to find out what really happened. didn't tell them the truth

Doikers 31-05-2010 11:19 PM

How was everyones bank holiday Monday and corresponding U.S. Holiday ?

I'm going to bed now , does anyone else on meds find they sleep an abnormal amounts , I mean I sleep 12 hours , then nap for 1-2 hours then sleep easily for the next 12 hours and am tired all of the time :S


Night Night Wardmates:) *Hugs and waves*

Kahlia1981 31-05-2010 11:51 PM

*huggles/waves at everyone*

So cold. So very, very cold.
First day of winter here.
Wearing a cardigan and a hoodie and still cold. brrrrrrrrrrrr

Mark: Medications can do that to you. My housemate has had that issue with his meds before. It seems to have settled down a bit now though. When he first went back on his anti-psychotic he used to crash out about 45 minutes later and sleep for more than 12 hours and still crash out for a sleep the next afternoon. Have you had the problem for long? Or changed doses/added new meds? *offers hugs*

Jill: It sounds like you have been having a bad trot recently. How are you doing, both physically and mentally/emotionally? *huggles*

Kat: How are things going with you? I hope you are managing to stay warm. And please tell Rosie that her writing is definitely improving. :-) *offers hugs*

Hayley: *pounces on* Missed you over those 20 pages. Still managing to stay sane after the sanity injection? I used to have a reaction to anti-depressants where I wanted to commit suicide because of my scizo-affective disorder being bipolar type. The hospital here never figured that out. I hope that your friend is being put on a medication that's appropriate to what they need. A lot of doctors don't know how to ask the right questions before just prescribing what they think you need. Reggie the Rabbit sounds cute! I hope you are doing well. *huggles*

Helen: *huggles you and holds you tightly* I know it's a hard time for you, even when your friends are improving and I wish I had some words for you. However, all I have is *hugs* and a listening ear and a shoulder that you can cry on when you need it.

Kathryn: I'm glad you had no urges. How are you going now?

To everyone else: Sorry I haven't mentioned you by name, I just didn't want to leave anyone out. I'm thinking of you all and hoping that you are doing okay. I'm also hoping that you check in and let us know how you are doing, and how things are going in your world.

Remember: Friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have difficulty remembering how to fly . . .

*leaves hugs, special care packages and stuffed animals in visible locations around the ward for people to collect when needed*

Scarletdreamer 01-06-2010 01:14 AM

*hides in the corner and cries quietly*

i'm sorry i can't be there for you all... :'(

MammaMia 01-06-2010 01:27 AM


Originally Posted by Kahlia1981 (Post 2328027)
Helen: *huggles you and holds you tightly* I know it's a hard time for you, even when your friends are improving and I wish I had some words for you. However, all I have is *hugs* and a listening ear and a shoulder that you can cry on when you need it.

*holds you tight and hugs lots* Thanks Kahlia, I needed someone to see that. Don't think other people get that sometimes.

Although I *have* been feeling better myself, I'm not so sure that I'm quite out of the woods yet after all. Just feel sad again tonight, I think it's because my other best friend's been so upset tonight. Bit like last night. But majority okay. Plus I don't feel too good & really tired. Should be so majorly excited right now & I don't feel it. Hopefully after a better night's sleep tonight (last night's was awful), I'll be okay again. I can't be sad again, not this soon. PLEASE? :crying:

I should have 3 pills left to take before having a week off to 'bleed' but have lost them. So have 4 missing pills. Great, so having to start 7 days thing earlier. Hope it won't affect the next pack or anything :/ Think it's affecting me somehow though. Stupid Hells. Still need to get my iron pills aswell, but had such a bad week last week, that haven't sorted anything.

I really want to cut. But I can't & won't. No ****ing way.

I'm going to go bed & try sleep.

*hugs everyone* Sorry I haven't replied to anyone else.

Scarletdreamer 01-06-2010 01:55 AM

oh and meant to add, updated r/v... if anyone cares.

it's another one of those nights where it feels like no one gives a damn. :'(

i'm sorry i'm not replying to everyone... i feel guilty because of that.

today's been an okay day, i guess. bit frustrating as i just want to make jarrod happy and he's currently miserable, or close to, due to lack of things to do on furlough, me being less than healthy, and a few other things. i don't know. i just want to make him feel better. he implored me to call res tomorrow and start applying, do something, throw myself into therapy, something - how can i ignore a plea like that? .... i love him, i do, but i don't know why it's so hard for me to show it. :'(

i feel so... bitch-ish. :'(

Kahlia1981 01-06-2010 02:12 AM

Hels: Hon it's okay. I've been in a similar situation several times. And in relation to the "bleed" ... I'm on the pill to try and regain my control as my PCOS mucks with my system. Been through 4 "cycles" and now had 2 weeks since the last bleed and bleeding again! Over it, seriosly. So hearing you on that one. *huggles you and sits with you*

April: I'm sorry if I made you feel left out or ignored. I didn't mean to. :( I wish I had some words for you hun. I guess that all I can offer is some *hugs* if you can take them or a *safe love and care package*. I do give a damn about you, even though I'm half way around the world.

Currently not in a good way. Lower back and shoulder are in agony. The shoulder pain extends down into the R hand - the last two fingers are alternating between shooting pain and numbness. And I have to go soon to go to physio. Yay.

Sometimes I just wish this was all over. *sigh*

*steals a huge pile of duvets and makes a fort in a dark corner and then disappears into it*

risenfromperdition 01-06-2010 07:33 AM

*cuddles everyone*
rosie- your writing is definitely getting better :)

*curls up in corner of room and hides*

Ileana 01-06-2010 08:22 AM

I'm drunk, lonely, sad and I have no one to talk to...so I came to post here. Pathetic, I know. How's everyone?

Ileana 01-06-2010 08:28 AM

I'm afraid to admit that I have no reason to live...at least it's been years since I've found one.

*Jackie* 01-06-2010 08:30 AM

*slumps down next to Ileana, so she's not so alone*

feeling quite sad and alone myself at the moment (even with a house full of ppl).:sad:

Ileana 01-06-2010 08:36 AM

Thank you Jackie. :)

one_step_closer 01-06-2010 10:38 AM

*hugs everyone*

I'm starting a course with the Prince's Trust today but I really can't be bothered and i'm so nervous. I don't want to fight to live any more, I just want to die.

Doikers 01-06-2010 11:50 AM

*Hugs Lindsay , Ileana , Jackie , Heather , Kahlia , Helen and Everyone else on the ward *


xxjuliexx 01-06-2010 11:57 AM

*sits rubbing eyes*

Kahlia1981 01-06-2010 12:26 PM

*hugs/waves everyone*

**special birthday hugs for April** - Hope you have a good day!

I'm going to head to bed soon, it really wasn't a good day today. Hopefully I'll get a good night's sleep *sigh*. Somehow I doubt it. Oh well.

*toddles off to bed*

Scarletdreamer 01-06-2010 12:29 PM

Kahlia, you didn't really make me feel left out, no worries. :) *huggles* I'm sorry that you're in pain right now... how did physio go?

*hugs Ileana and Jackie* Welcome to the ward, both of you... Ileana, I know you've posted before but I figured I'd "rewelcome" you. :) I'm sorry you're feeling so low and sad and lonely... wish I could help you. :( I know the feeling though, Jackie, of feeling "alone in a million crowd" (Lacuna Coil lyrics). *huggles*

*safe hugs for Amy and Julie* How are you, love?

*cuddles Laura, Hels, Oliver, JK, Taz, Kat, Kathryn, and everyone else I must be forgetting*

Thanks Mark. :D I can't believe that it's my birthday... lol... that I've lived to be this age (not that I'm old, it's just, well, I didn't think I'd make it past 20 and here I am at 22). Woohoo... *curls up next to Mark and bounces a little* Hehe... yeah, I'm like a little kid... but this is the first time someone's wished me a happy birthday online really... Jarrod didn't even wish me a happy birthday when I woke up, so yeah. :)

MammaMia 01-06-2010 12:45 PM

Happy Birthday April :D

*cuddles everyone else*

Scarletdreamer 01-06-2010 12:55 PM

*cuddles Lindsay since she missed her the first time 'round* I think it's good you're doing that course, sweet, even though I don't know exactly what it is. (What is it? lol... sorry :-S) Maybe it will give you something to live for...

*cuddles Hels and spies Mark, so cuddles him too* :)

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