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Damnation. 07-01-2009 03:16 AM

Helen: Uh...I must admit, I don't quite have the attention span to read that atm x_o. I'll read it when I remember how to think, though

*Hugs Ravyn back* Thanks. Still sort of doing well, but Christ, I'm triggered. Yet again, it came outta ****in' nowhere, so I'm trying to distract myself, but without the ability to turn my thoughts off...lolit'snotworking. More importantly, how're you doing?

ravynsoul 07-01-2009 03:21 AM

Dayna - i hate not being able to turn thoughts off... does music help... i try to listen to music while i'm doing something else so I'm doing more than one thing -- less brain available for the thoughts... it sometimes works *hugs* hope the triggeredness leaves soon.

I'm doing okish.. gave in and SI'd tonite it kinda came out of nowhere but not.. i don't know.. don't want to add to your triggeredness.. but i'm feeling stable at the moment.. quite tired though.. probably head to bed soon

Pomegranate 07-01-2009 03:25 AM

I shouldn't ****ing be here. I DONT want this. I want someone to find me the courage to die.I cant even harm right. Now I need to hurt more. No longer have the energy to get wounds sorted. Not necessary anyway. Only need to see CPN 4/5 times a year and psych 3 times per annum. I DESERVE PAIN AND DAMAGE. I was born for this.

ravynsoul 07-01-2009 03:30 AM

*hugs Emma* No you don't Emma! You don't deserve Pain and Damage; you weren't born for this.. you deserve better! *cuddles*

Damnation. 07-01-2009 03:36 AM

Emma: Ravyn's right, you're a wonderful person and you don't need to hurt yourself even more than you already have! *Hugs tightly* I know what it's like to feel that you can't even SI correctly, but you're worth so more much more than you give yourself credit for!

Ravyn: Music doesn't really make much difference. I'm listening to something nearly 24/7 so yeah, I'm used to having a tune in the background xD;. And don't worry about triggering me. I get triggered more by myself than the things said bu other people

ravynsoul 07-01-2009 03:40 AM

Emma I second what Dayna says:


Originally Posted by .Poisonous.Cyanide. (Post 1339105)
you're worth so more much more than you give yourself credit for!

Dayna: I appreciate you letting me know about the triggeredness.. I prefer to err on side of caution... how are you doing now?

Damnation. 07-01-2009 03:43 AM

Ravyn: Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm careful around an ex-SIer friend of mine, as well. Erm. I'm okay, I think. Still triggered, but am trying to ignore it (can't give in to it anyway, even if I intended to).

One little random question...is my mood showing for anyone else? 'Cause, um, RYL seems to have done away with it O_o;. Ain't changed it, 'tis still set as 'triggered' (or at least, is meant to be), and has...gone?

ravynsoul 07-01-2009 03:47 AM

Dayna: Yup, it says triggered... weirdness with it disappearing on you..

Edit: if it was me; I'd be freaking out at my computer and wanting to throw it down the stairs... that reminds me, has the technaholics anonymous [sorry for the spelling] or whatever it's called been formed yet? :)

ravynsoul 07-01-2009 03:52 AM

*leaves hugs for all*
Hope everyone stay safe... take care.. I'm off to bed... nightynight all

Damnation. 07-01-2009 03:54 AM

Ravyn: O.o Odd. If it dun come back soon, I might take a screenie and/or make a thread in forum and community questions. And LOL not yet, 'cause that would mean admitting that we're all too dependant on computers and the like XDD.

And nighty night you, see you tomorrow if you're on

Mary Anne 07-01-2009 10:41 AM

Morning (it is here)

*takes teddy*

*hugs everyone*

not feeling much better but at least I am at work and have people around me.

take care everyone

ravynsoul 07-01-2009 01:08 PM

Dayna: lol.. yes I guess we would have to admit that then and I ain't admiting anything.. that would mean the computers have won. :P Hope you have a good day.

Mary Anne: *hugs back* take care; glad to hear you're not alone.. i hope your day brightens somewhat. let us know how you're doing.

*leaves hugs for everyone*

mouse in darkness 07-01-2009 03:29 PM

*Triggering* SI
Helen glad to hear that the snow was fun. I also agree with the advice from Emma and Ravyn about your friend. *hugs you tight*

Emma you don't deserve pain and damage you are a wonderful supportive person. *Hugs you tight and gives you a fluffy teddy bear*

Dayna can understand the frustration with getting triggered out of no where. *hugs* Sorry don't know what to say.

Mary Anne hope your day improves to be a good day. I agree with you on stopping the world to get off.*lots of hugs*

Ravyn Hope you have a good sleep and that you are okayish. *hugs you tight*

Well I saw my psychiatrist today. He was concerned about the dreams and started with the hynothearapy. I have SIed nearly every night for the last 5 nights. I just wish I could stop. I want to stop. I hate doing it.:-(
Due to the lack of sleep am very moody and feel completely out of control:ermm: . The light at the end of the tunnel has just been put out. Sorry for the rant. I will be quiet now. *Goes back under the bed with the denial tent over it*

*Hugs and hot chocolate with marshmellows in it for everyone*

Accidentally Abstract 07-01-2009 06:30 PM

Thanks for the messages yesterday guys. I'm home now. x

Mary Anne 07-01-2009 08:39 PM

Glad to hear you are home, hope you are okay.

Ravyn - my day was okay, I feel more in control now, how long it will last I don't know tho. *hugs*

Nicole - I so much just want a break from life. Hope you are feeling okay after seeing the psychiatrist, I know these meetings can be very draining *hugs*

*offers hugs to everyone*

Damnation. 07-01-2009 10:11 PM

Ravyn: And **** knows we can't let those bloody computers win! XDD. And thanks

Nicole: *Hugs back* No need to apologise for the rant, y'know? <3

Lucy: Glad to hear it, and I hope you're feeling a bit better now, too

Mary Anne: Fingers crossed it lasts a good while

*Hugs all*

* * *

Guess who feels like ****? =DD. My mind was rather disturbing me last night, I had all these horrible thoughts swimming around in my mind, graphic mental images of suicide and the like. I ended up telling myself over and over again that I'm worthless, just a burden, a waste of life/time/air/etc and all this. Constant stress is killing me x__x. I feel like I'm going to have a total breakdown soon.

And I'm still ****ing umming and ahhing over going to see the doctor. Thing is, if things get so bad, and I do feel like I could kill myself, I know just how I could do it, too .__.;;. I don't honestly feel like I actually could, no matter how much I think I might want to in my lowest moments. Just wanna make that clear ._.;.

I guess I could always say to my housemate I wanna go to the doctor to talk about my sleeping patterns, and then after say that 'everything else' got talked about as well (and she'd assume I meant the eviction - which wouldn't be a total lie, either). Buuut thing is, when our old GP retired ('suicidal thoughts? NOT MY PROBLEM =D'), my housemate ended up temporarily seeing a new one before she got a regular one assigned to her. And her temporary one is my regular one now. And he wanted to stick my housemate as a suicide risk apparently (and would have, if she hadn't told him about her firm religious/anti-suicide beliefs). So if I see him, I could just see him thinking 'OMGSHE'SASUICIDERISKTOO *locks me up*'. I dunno if that'd be a good thing or not.


Louise 07-01-2009 10:13 PM

sends hugs to everyone

Accidentally Abstract 07-01-2009 10:57 PM

*curls up in a ball*

Damnation. 07-01-2009 11:08 PM

*Hugs Lucy and Louise*

Accidentally Abstract 07-01-2009 11:10 PM

Make it stop. Someone, please make it stop. I cna't go back. I'm so scared.

Damnation. 07-01-2009 11:50 PM

>__O I know how you feel, Lucy

*Sits in corner and rocks*

Accidentally Abstract 08-01-2009 12:13 AM

*sends hugs*

Damnation. 08-01-2009 12:18 AM

*Whimpers and curls up*


Pomegranate 08-01-2009 12:38 AM

Dayna- I think going to see the doctor may be a good idea. Do you know what has triggered these emotions today? Here if you want to talk about it? *sends safe hugs and some chains to help you hold on*

Lucy-I can't make it stop honey. I wish I could. What are you scared of? *cuddles*

Nicole- Sorry things are so rough for you right now. Did your psychiatrist give you any advice on how to handle things atm or any extra support? I hope the light comes back on soon, remember there is always hope.

Mary Anne- I hope work wasn't too draining and things are better for you tomorrow. Glad you are feeling more in control though.

*hugs Louise* Are you ok?

Ravyn? Kahlia? Jem? How are you all doing? Hope you had a good sleep Ravyn x

*leaves hugs and pillows for everyone*

Accidentally Abstract 08-01-2009 12:40 AM

Going back to uni.
I talked to my GP today & she wants to see me on Friday morning, so I'll be honest with her then & see what happens.

Thank you.

*hugs all*

Pomegranate 08-01-2009 12:48 AM

What about going back to uni scares you? I am glad you are seeing your GP Friday hun x

Damnation. 08-01-2009 12:57 AM


Originally Posted by Pomegranate (Post 1341830)
Dayna- I think going to see the doctor may be a good idea. Do you know what has triggered these emotions today? Here if you want to talk about it? *sends safe hugs and some chains to help you hold on

I think it's just the general stress. This whole saga with my friend (in spite of the talk we had - nothing's changed), the eviction, the mindset that I will lose my friends...it's all taking it's toll on me. I fear a breakdown. If it's not yet already started.

Really, I'm losing whatever I had left to hold on for, if I haven't already. I'm only still breathing because I don't have the courage to try and change that. And LMAO, because I don't have enough of a spine to talk to anybody like my housemate or relatives about anything, they all think that I'll magically be cured by doing some stupid ****ing confidence building course. Except that could backfire. Badly. If I start to believe that I can accomplish what I want, then the next time I feel suicidal...

Pomegranate 08-01-2009 01:00 AM

Dayna you have to be honest with someone in real life about what is going on. Someone who can help you. Anything you have lost can be regained or replaced with something new. It sounds like things are really stressful at the moment and that is bound to be affecting your mood and making you worse. Please try and take measures to stop a breakdown before things get worse. For what it is worth, I AM worried about you and thinking of you.

Damnation. 08-01-2009 01:04 AM

I don't know what to do. Too long I've taught myself to keep things bottled up. I can't hurt my housemate by telling her anything

Eclectica 08-01-2009 01:07 AM

*Hugs everyone*

Dunno what's going on. I went to Tesco with mum and literally had to switch off... I stupidly enough felt like I was being followed. Everyone was talking about me... Watching and following.

I can't feel pain also, which scared me... Not being able to feel the pain makes me wanna try to be able to, like I tried last night, but failed. Woohoo.

Pomegranate 08-01-2009 01:10 AM

Katrica that sounds really dangerous hun. Have you told anyone you can't feel pain? Please stop trying to make yourself, it wont come back until you can figure out what triggered it to go in the first place. It sounds like your experience was really frightening. Did your mum say anything?

Dayna- Eventually that bottle will become full though. Your housemate probably wouldn't want you to keep everything bottled in. Could you try and write her a note or something explaining what is going on if you can't talk to her?

Damnation. 08-01-2009 01:13 AM

Emma: The last time I tried that, I sent her an email...which led to a spoken conversation x_o;

*Hugs Kat* Sorry, I don't really have anything to say

Pomegranate 08-01-2009 01:16 AM

Did the spoken conversation help at all? Is there anyone else you would consider speaking to like your psych or another friend? (sorry, my advice isn't that helpful *hugs*)

Damnation. 08-01-2009 01:19 AM

Spoken conversations tend to lead to me avoiding eye contact (resulting in me getting a great look at my feet), and clamming up. It doesn't help at all. Although I think it's only for people I'm close to, friends, family, that sort of thing. I've been able to talk about difficult things irl to people I don't know that well. So again, it's just getting around my housemate, and sorting out a doctor's appointment

'Could you phone the doctors for me, please?' (awkward with phones FTW!)
'Just want to see what he could suggest about my sleeping pattern [/blatant lie]
'Oh, okay then.'


Eclectica 08-01-2009 01:21 AM

I told my mum about the whole being followed thing, can't remember what she said. Bad bad bad memory problems right now. It#s starting to happen more and more now though, feel lke I'm being followed most places. And I always feel like I'm being watched.

The pain thing... I dunno.

ravynsoul 08-01-2009 01:31 AM

Nicole - Thanks for the hugs and hot chocolate! *hugs back* - Don't apologize for letting out your emotions.. how was the hypnotherapy? I hope it helps with your sleep and with your night SIing. *offers candle to help light your way*

Lucy - glad to hear you're back safe; good news about seeing your GP - hope the visit goes well *hugs*

Mary Anne - Glad to hear you're more in control; hope the positive feelings keep lasting. Let us know how you're doing. *hugs back*

Dayna - we'll beat the computers yet! *hugs* it sounds like you've had a rough day... I think Emma's offered some wise suggestions... I hope you are able to talk to someone in real life before the bottle gets too full [that's not a fun feeling]; keep letting out your thoughts and emotions here if it helps you! I find it easier to talk to strangers in real life than those close to.. I think it's because I can distance myself from them if need be.. maybe that's part of it for you? *hugs back*

Louise - *hugs back* how are you doing?

Emma - thanks for checking in with me; I did sleep better only woke up a couple of times; so not too bad. How are you doing today??? *hugs back*

Katrica - *hugs back* are you maybe able to talk to your mom about that? I hope you get feeling back soon..

*leaves hugs for everyone else* *hopes those who haven't checked in for a while do soon.. *

ravynsoul 08-01-2009 01:33 AM

Katrica - didn't see your most recent post, before I posted... what about talking to your doctor about the pain, memory thing, and feeling like you're being followed?

Damnation. 08-01-2009 01:36 AM


Originally Posted by ravynsoul (Post 1342029)
Dayna - we'll beat the computers yet! *hugs* it sounds like you've had a rough day... I think Emma's offered some wise suggestions... I hope you are able to talk to someone in real life before the bottle gets too full [that's not a fun feeling]; keep letting out your thoughts and emotions here if it helps you! I find it easier to talk to strangers in real life than those close to.. I think it's because I can distance myself from them if need be.. maybe that's part of it for you? *hugs back*

Yeah, 'rough day' sounds about right. All the little poisonous thoughts that I had last night have come back. The mental images of suicide that I had last night haven't though, so that's something to be grateful for

Eclectica 08-01-2009 01:37 AM

I should be seeing the psych for the second time soon... Hopefully... The pain thing I think will pass but the following and memory things have been there for years. Getting worse and worse. And I'm gaining more paranoia kidna things. Always worrying about my mum. I listen to her movements, listen out to hear if shes calling me, think people can read my mind :[

ravynsoul 08-01-2009 01:40 AM

Dayna - ya, that is something to be grateful for.. and I hope they stay away from you too! And hopefully the poisonous thoughts go away. I find they can be quite draining and make even a good day awful. *hugs*

ravynsoul 08-01-2009 01:41 AM

Katrica - That's not got to be fun. I hope your psych will be able to help you out; so that it can stop getting worse; and maybe even better.

Edit: sorry hit enter too soon. Sorry I can't offer any better help... but I have lots of hugs

Damnation. 08-01-2009 01:43 AM

Ravyn: I want to reply, but I seem to have run out of things to say x_o *hugs back* sorry

ravynsoul 08-01-2009 01:46 AM

Dayna - it's ok; I understand. Take care of yourself; that's most important!

Damnation. 08-01-2009 01:51 AM

I'll try

Accidentally Abstract 08-01-2009 02:38 AM

I've put plans in place to try to make sure I get through until I see my GP on Friday. Woo, go me.

Damnation. 08-01-2009 02:43 AM

*Hugs Lucy* Hope it goes well

Accidentally Abstract 08-01-2009 02:48 AM

Thank you *cuddles*. Hope you're okay. x

mouse in darkness 08-01-2009 03:01 AM

Sorry to everyone I miss but mind has unfortunatly turned to jelly and my memoriy is off trying to refile missing information, so it is of no help atm.

Ravyn *Takes candle and hugs greatfully* I do hope things are going well for you and that work is treating you well. I don't remember much from the hypnothearapy. Am seeing psycologist agian on saturday, he was rather concerned. I have slept more than the alloted 4 hours to an amazing 5 and it really is messing with my hole being. The SIing hasn't stopped....grr...

Dayna hope things really improve for you soon *hugs*

Katicia I hope your psyc helps you. *hugs*

Lucy glad to hear you have made plans to ge though until you see you doctor. *hugs*

Sorry for the lack of support. *Hugs and lollies (including chocolate) for all*

Damnation. 08-01-2009 03:06 AM

Lucy: *Cuddles back* Not really >__< but thanks anyway

Nicole: Thanks to you too *hugs*

ravynsoul 08-01-2009 03:10 AM

Lucy - That's good to hear that you've made plans. Hope your visit goes well. Please let us know what happens!

Nicole - chocolate lollie?! SWEET!! *licks gratefully* I'm addicted to chocolate you know.. Glad to hear you slept more; hope that it doesn't mess you up too much, but that it starts to get better. Good luck with your visit on saturday.

Dayna - *lots of safe hugs*

just got a good rant out of my system, and am feeling somewhat better.. not pleased with myself, but now just drained instead of angry/triggered/messed up.

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