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youngatheart 16-05-2008 07:07 PM

are you pleased about that? the show sounds good! why do you feel a failure?

MammaMia 16-05-2008 07:09 PM

Gosh. I feel like I've been so bitchy. I really do. I'm so incredibly emotional at the moment. It's not ****ing fair :crying:

Well today's been eventful, pretty crap at times though. Might as well start from the top, well I'm seriously worried about Emma (lil-princess), just need to know she's okay.

Anyway, I went to college, got there a couple of minutes late but that was alright. Somehow didn't cry in the first lesson and had a bit of a giggle with Tina. I feel guilty that I'm not going to miss her as much as Jess :blush: But then again, I have known Jess much longer and she's done more than Tina ever did hehe.

Went to my second lesson with feelings of dread....and worked as much as I could. Was struggling a bit and was trying not to cry. But I half cried because of the work....but it wasn't a proper cry dammit. Also was crying because it was mine & Jess' last lesson together. Did she even notice? Again, the answer was no. Who cares, it's over :crying:

So then break came around, so I went to find Jane. But couldn't find her and she hadn't replied to my email so was worried that she wasn't in after all (turns out she was elsewhere and on the way back). Abbi turned up to meet me so I spent the entire break with Abbi :hop: Had a really goood chat about stuffs. :tongue2: So break was over, and I decided I really had to go see my counsellor about yesterday.

Fortnately she didn't mind me doing that even though our weekly appointment isn't until Monday. But anyway, we had a really good chat about yesterday which helped me :) I told about the whole situation of the appointment, my last lesson, the alcohol, wanting to cut and whatever else I mentioned. LOL she made me smile because she wants to talk about my birth (oh dear- I put that idea into her head) and I think it'll be related to the fact she said we'll talk about my abdoanment issues, ahhh fun times. Should be fun >.< and interesting yay!

I decided I'd had enough of college for one week so sodded off home. Came home to 3 letters (that excited me!) but yeah one was off my counselling (well the ones who I rang yday). Also two letters from the college librairy asking me to return my psychology textbooks that everyone got out in September =\ Which is fine, will hand them over next week!!!

I went upstairs and I was still being nagged in my head to check my email. I just had a freaky supiscion that I should have checked at college before going home. But I ignored that and it made me wonder if Jane had emailed. Which she had bless her :) Turns out when I went to see her earlier she was either in an exam invigulating or somewhere else lol :hehe: She told me I could see her before 1.40....so I ran off to the bus stop (after checking bus times/changing jeans & socks and shoving lunch in my bag....)

Managed to get there just on 1.40, and she told me she'd see me within 15 mins if her student didnt turn up....was just about to bawl when she said give me ive mins and then I'm all yours (bless her!) and so I spoke to her from 1.55-3.15 which I was grateful for. It was much needed. I thought I'd have to leave at 2.50 as she teaches Psychology but completly forgot they're an AS class so would be on study leave & in the exam as we spoke....it felt werid knowing I wasnt sitting that exam!!! :laugh:

After all that drama, I decided to go shopping :thumbup: Got some presents, cards and some stuff for me. Meant I did spend nearly all of my money, ooops! I'm meant to be saving for my holiday aswell.....(and uni!) opppps! Now I'm at home trying to cry meh :( I feel ****. I nearly broke down in clintons, felt like this shop assistant was consantly watching me as I was hanging around the me2you bears stuff (couldnt make my mind up for ages)....and that annoyed me and then like I saw looked thru father day cards and didn't want to get any. I feel ashamed for that....but I just don't feel any of those words this year about my dad. I don't feel he's the best....or whatever it said. That really hurt and nearly made me break down...but managed to hold it in. Not the best move but I don't care.

Glad to be home, even if I feel increadibly ****. Can't wait for tomorrow!!!! :) Seeing my nan and I believe my sister is coming then or is it tonight??? Ah well.

Supossed to be seeing my dad on Sunday but not sure right now if I can be bothered with. But I'm going through a stage of really missing him at night and not being able to cuddle him whenever I like. I miss him being at home with us...even though when he was here I didnt always get on with him and whatever.....funny how you REALLY don't know what you've got until it's gone....I think I am angry still with him, but its not so strong. I can't even talk to him about missing him...well he knows I does. But every time I talk to him about it (when it's the upset peroid)....he just gives me the same bullshit over and over "if it could be any other way" welll it CANT because it's this way. He needs to be confronted yet again and start dealing with it for me in a better way...... or something.

I'm going to be so glad when I hand prep folder of work on Monday :) By 1.40 it hopefully will be over, if not before!!!! Fingers crossed anyway. I can see my counsellor and then go home and relax for nearly two weeks (I hope). Well that's if I dont get called back in during that week (cus then the second week will be half term). I know I'll be seeing Jane on Thursday, I think I might pluck up the courage to ask if I can touch her bump. Silly me was too shy to ask earlier hehe, thought I'd feel her bump when I gave her a hug. Gave her a side hug tho lol, well I think thats partly down to Jane aswell....heeh don't want to squash Pud now ;)

youngatheart 16-05-2008 07:34 PM

what an eventful day! made me tired readin it ;)
Im glad you managed to see Jane, how spooky that you had such a need as such to check your email! I hope whatever you decide concerning your Dad makes you happy.
Im sure Jane wont mind you at all asking to touch her bump..and she will probably be pleased you asked instead of doing what a lot of people did to me and just touched it anyway when I was pregnant!

~*forever_broken*~ 16-05-2008 07:47 PM

Hmm Amanda, I don't know why that would be happening... have you rung the dentist office? Maybe they could tell you.

Carole, I am glad the BF is going to the theatre with you. Sounded like a raw deal when you thought he wasn't going to be able to.

Helen, wow hun, full day. I'm sorry you're feeling so **** atm *snuggles* remember... still hugging ;-)

Crystalheart (so sorry, I don't know your name :blush:) how are you doing? Looks to me like you're asking after everyone else but not sharing about yourself. Everything going ok?

Me? As morbid as it sounds (and this is going to sound morbid) I had the idea this morning (maybe it was last night) that... (I don't even want to write this)... that, out of all of us, even those who have been hospitalized (I have narrowly escaped that twice) I'll be the one to... well, to kill myself:crying: I don't know why but I just feel it... I'm sorry..

*curls up in her corner and cries*

MammaMia 16-05-2008 07:53 PM

Bless you hun. I don't blame you ^_^

I'm so so so glad I saw Jane, she's an amaizng support. I told her the truth about feeling guilty about putting so much on her in the last couple of months. Espically as she's pregnant, though I made her laugh. Because I said I'd feel less guilty if she hadn't been. She did say "if it makes you feel any better, it's okay Hells"

I'm deffo gonna ask her, I would hate if I was pregnant and people just went for my bump lol. I need to kinda have my pic taken with her at some point too, so maybe I should do tht soon. I asked her if she was okay with us just having our lessons in one room, cus like she's now in her third stage (well from tomorrow) and it's slowly taking it out of her and she's sooooo tired bless.

zowie 16-05-2008 08:20 PM


Sugar and Spice 16-05-2008 08:21 PM

*hugs all round*

Ally, I am sorry that you feel like this. You can get through this. You don't know that you'll end up like that. You can beat this.

Helen, things with your dad will calm down. I promise.

Zowie, please don't give in hun.

I have issues with s*x and I feel like I fail my bf when I can't do it. He doesn't see it like that but I can't help it.
I want to bleed.

chocostashchick 16-05-2008 08:25 PM

nobody here is dying i forbid it and so does the Denial Tent tis against the rules

zowie 16-05-2008 08:36 PM

Carole, I know what you mean about having difficulties with sex. Can you talk to your partner about it?

I have to die. The OD I took earlier didn't work, now I feel like a failure.
Beth is telling me to go buy a knife and stab someone, I'm so scared.
My dad's drunk off his face, so he can't help me. He's been critisising me for ODing instead of helping.

*Crawls out of the denial tent* I want to die.

MammaMia 16-05-2008 08:40 PM

PLEASE don't listen to Beth Zowie.

If you stab someone, it's more trouble than it's worth :(

chocostashchick 16-05-2008 08:43 PM

Zowie, Beth is wrong
please dont listen to her. YOU are in charge NOT BETH hun it's up to you it's your decision and you are the one in control.

Sugar and Spice 16-05-2008 08:47 PM

You are not a failure! Don't listen to Beth hun. Please, keep yourself safe and away from anything that can harm you x

lil-princess 16-05-2008 09:22 PM

*hugs all round*

I'm sorry i haven't been very good with advice lately, im just having a really hard time at the moment and i'm really struggling with everything, but i do care about you all a lot and if you ever need someone to talk to i am around well i won't be at the weekend as i'm taking 2 days away to sort myself out but i will be thinking of you all :)

Thanks Em, i can't believe they have cut my phone off expecially at the time when i really need it, it's only a 12 month contract so when that ends i am so going back to pay as u go so much easier at least you don't get cut off then when ever you don't pay the bill on time. i do still feel really emotional about yesterday but i'll get over it in time but with my slip up i just feel like a failure cause i really didn't wanna SI before my birthday but i did :(

Stay strong everyone :) xxx

loveleigh 16-05-2008 09:30 PM

Does anyone wanna talk?

I dunno, I just sorta feel all ehhh & blahhh.


MammaMia 16-05-2008 09:31 PM

We all always wanna talk :D (well in my opinion haah)

~*forever_broken*~ 16-05-2008 09:33 PM

Zowie hun, pleas don't listen to Beth. YOU are the strong one. YOU are the one in control. Fight her luv. You totally need to LIVE, not die. *snuggles*

Carole I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Have you told your BF that? Please don't bleed, it's not worth it luv...

Sugar and Spice 16-05-2008 09:46 PM

Yea, we're always up for a chat :)

I've told him about feeling like a failure and he disagrees with me completely. Haven't told him about anything else though.

Ally, how are you doing?

~*forever_broken*~ 16-05-2008 10:31 PM

Maybe you should talk to him about it luv... Only if you're comfortable though.

I'm alright I suppose. Exhausted, my head hurts, and one of the side effects of my meds is driving me nuts: my ears are ringing. I didn't mean to alarm anyone it was just a feeling/realization I had... I've just been feeling crap, I graduate soon and I've got no apartment and no job and I just can't see a future atm... Seriously, before I could see it, I knew what I was going to do. Now it's all fallen down around my ears and I can't see it. It seriously feels like it should end when uni does...

chocostashchick 16-05-2008 10:42 PM

my ears ring sometimes i HATE IT drives me absolutely insane
this past winter they rang for like 48 hours straight and i almost ripped off my ears i swear i was going insane from it.
tell ur doc maybe they can do something? it's way too annoying to have to deal with Alyssa hun

i know it's hard to see the future, i cant either and i feel like i have stopped moving forward, stopped going anywhere, but that doesnt have to be the end.
i graduated in 06 and got a job and an apt and did all of that for about a year and then quit the job and moved home and am temping like a loser and i have no life really but i am still here so you can do it too. i am right where i would have been if i hadnt had that first job and apt after graduation and my life isnt a complete farce (yet) and nobody has noticed that i am not going anywhere or making any progress because lots of college grads need a couple years to get on their feet. you have time. you dont have to rush you have time to figure that out and you dont even have to feel guilty or feel unprepared because it is 100% NORMAL to not have a plan after graduation and if you are thinking about it now you are actually like ahead of the game so go you for planning!

MammaMia 17-05-2008 12:02 AM

Ear ringing sucks, I get it a lot as I have hearing loss...so yeah I know how crazy it can drive me >.<

l'il esky 17-05-2008 12:24 AM


Originally Posted by Hells (Post 764788)
Because most of my posts in the past couple of weeks have been ignored :( Whether they're happy ones or sad :( I just really need support atm and hardly getting it from anyone in here like I used to. I try to support everyone too....but sometimes I just have no words.

sweetie, i dont think anyone is ignoring you, certainly not on purpose. i've noticed in the last couple of weeks it has quietened down on the whole forum-dont know why....... lots of people doing exams, sunny weather etc....... BUT DONT THINK ITS PERSONAL *huggles* :smurf:

MammaMia 17-05-2008 12:25 AM

Thanks hun *huggles*

Dont mention exams, I'm dreading my 20hr exam...it's gonna really depress me again =[

blondiebear 17-05-2008 12:39 AM

I'm still too dain bramaged (brain damaged) to be of much support.

Carol, the issues with your boyfriend happen to married folks too. Sometimes we're just not on the same wave length.

Zowie, please fight Beth. You can do it.

Ally dear, my ears don't ring, they click. What a pain, cause of years of untreated allergies. *snarls thinking about parents* I kinda cheated and decided to go to grad school at the same uni, same department I got my BA in, only took a year off to get married. I'd been husband hunting since I was 14, took nine years to catch one.

Helen, no advice but I have been reading your posts.

Chloe, I always push myself hard, have since I was in uni. For me it is a good way of not having to feel things, I really can be a work a holic.

Hugs all around.

l'il esky 17-05-2008 12:55 AM

eeeekkkk!!! 20hrs!!!!! is that an art exam or something?

Detour. Derail 17-05-2008 01:09 AM

I think...I'm gonna leave...everything...everyone...everywhere...
I can't get it right. Why am I still here?

MammaMia 17-05-2008 01:15 AM

Lil esky- Nope. It's an ICT exam (well an Applied ICT exam to be exact) but yeah hopefully will finish on the Thursday afternoon/early Friday. I hated it last time around, I actually had a breakdown on the thursday afternoon and had to miss nearly 30 mins of my exam- not good!!! I'm trying not to think negatively about it. I might actually go talk to Jane & Julie bowt it....might help.

Alex, what's going on sweetie?

Oh, I'm feeling bit better. Though a headache has come on and seems to be hurting my face hmm =\ Anyway I sent Emma a pm which helps me personally...just to clear the air!! =D I do hope she's okay :(

Katch 17-05-2008 01:20 AM

Alexx - here for you - can we do anything to help -ears at the ready and hugs are going free

Hi to everyone else - hands out really soft snuggly blankets if anyone wants one -

Detour. Derail 17-05-2008 01:23 AM

coz...I feel stupid...its probably coz I went out and got drunk...but I felt good before I left....then everyone else got there and it was like...I shrank away and I wasnt anywhere near as pretty as them...and how am I supposed to...urgh ><
I wanted him so bad....and everyone keeps sticking their ****ing interferring noses in telling him to ask me out and I dont WANT that because the idea absolutly terrifies me. Ive been knocked down too many times in too many different ways. I dont want a realtionship....sure...it'd be nice...but right now...I want fun....but not sleeping-around fun...I want fun with one person...like...an open relationship...and see where it goes.
I want him to be here. I wanted to kiss him...but I'm spineless. But most of all...I wanted a cuddle. and I couldn't talk to my mate because his pissing girlfriend was there glaring at me...
And my mum found out about the scars on the top of my legs and shouted at me....then told me I SHOULDNT have gone to A&E when I OD'ed....and I wish I hadnt....
I wish I'd died.
I just want a cuddle.
I want to feel loved.
I want to know whats wrong with me.
I want to be able to go out...have a good time...and not walk home, sobbing my heart out in the rain.
I dont deserve it though

MammaMia 17-05-2008 01:28 AM

Alex sweetie. I will tell you a few things now. I'm not sure what to advise about the boy. BUT I will say, I'm glad you didn't die from the OD. I love you so so so much and you means tons to me sweetheart. We all love you in here, and I think you know that and you know that we're here for you all the way :) *hugs* Ignore your mum hun....she talks utter crap :(

Detour. Derail 17-05-2008 01:32 AM

I want..to feel pretty...how stupid is that.
Every night...I'd make two wishes..on the stars...
One that my dad would come back and we'd live happily ever after....
and the second that I could be pretty...
I may have given up on the first wish....but I still wish the second one...whether theres stars or not...

MammaMia 17-05-2008 01:34 AM

Alex, I'm not saying this to make you feel better, but you know I think you're soooooooooo pretty and beautiful. I love your hair so so much and everything about you soo you need to try and accept this. I know it's hard to believe. xxx

Katch 17-05-2008 01:34 AM

You do deserve it - if you don't then neither do I - and you told me before that I do.
I'm sorry you had too much to drink (but understand why) the problem is we drink becuase of our insecurities and then it just makes things even worse. I am sure it isn't that you weren't as pretty as them - more like you weren't as confident as them - I see people bigger and nastier than me and they end up with people - I ask myself why - and I am sure the answer is to do with confidence. It's a shame people seem to be intent on pairing you up - things don't have to be that rushed - just try smiling and then starting a conversation with him without wondering where it might lead - some of the best relationships start out as friendships - and friends can cuddle safely forever or move on when they are both ready to do so.

As for your Mum - I am so sorry she said that - it was 100% wrong of her to do so - you really need her support and I am sorry you are not getting it. If only arms could go through the internet I'd hug you tight and let you cry for as long as you needed to.
I'm sorry I have no good advice for you - but I am listening and I do care.

~*forever_broken*~ 17-05-2008 01:41 AM

Alexx hunni, you're here cause you're wonderful and we love you. What can't you get right luv?

Ugh, what kind of an exam is that?!? *hugs Helen* sorry dear

It is HOT here (90 something)... Good news is my room mates gone so I am wearing shorts and a tank top... And getting mind numbingly drunk...

Detour. Derail 17-05-2008 01:45 AM

Anything :(
I cant do what people want...and I cant justify what I want to do...
and I think I'm scared to get into a relationship...but I cant stand being on my own any longer and I cant find the mid way point...
and I cant get the balence between socail life and study right and I cant impress him and I cant impress ANYONE and I cant look like I want to and I cant look how anyone else wants me to look and most of all...I cant do this im scared of leaving it behind.
I dont WANT to do it.
I....*mutters and curls up*

~*forever_broken*~ 17-05-2008 01:46 AM

Oh am I behind. Alexx hun I am sure you are lovely. Katch is right, it's probably a confidence thing sweetie and I think that's probably pretty common among our set. As for your mother... Grr to her, there is absolutly NO excuse for saying such a thing. I am glad you went to A&E hun, we'd miss you.

~*forever_broken*~ 17-05-2008 01:49 AM

Alexx hunni it's ok, none of that's true. You are a very capabul, strong gal sweetie. As to the relationship thing... Me too. I think we are at a vulnerable time in our lives and with the secrets we have letting new people in is scarry. *snuggles you*

Detour. Derail 17-05-2008 01:52 AM

I wish someone was here..I need a cuddle :crying:

~*forever_broken*~ 17-05-2008 01:54 AM

I wish I could sweetie, I wish I could give you one...
*sits in her corner with her alcohol and wonders how no one understands*

Katch 17-05-2008 01:54 AM

Agree completely with the above - it's so scary letting someone new into our lives - yet we want to so much. Sometimes you have to risk being hurt to find something good - just really look at it and decide if it''s worth the risk - if it is then you have to go for it - we will all be here whatever way it turns out - but sometimes you do have to think maybe it's not worth the risk right now - I need to wait a bit longer. I looked at your photo and you look wonderful - even though your face is half hidden with your hair (which is fab) we can tell you are pretty - you just have to believe it.

Katch 17-05-2008 01:56 AM


Originally Posted by Reason[TO]Believe (Post 767040)
I wish someone was here..I need a cuddle :crying:

Lets all meet in the corner and have a big group cuddle - I think we all need one

BoundNoMore 17-05-2008 01:57 AM

*hides in a dark corner*

Katch 17-05-2008 01:58 AM


Originally Posted by Bound by Thoughts (Post 767057)
*hides in a dark corner*

We are coming to your corner for a hug - do you want to talk about why you are hiding

BoundNoMore 17-05-2008 02:05 AM


Originally Posted by Katch (Post 767060)
do you want to talk about why you are hiding

I just took a nap and woke up and now I feel very very VERY... I don' know... dissociated... numb... wanting to cry but no tears will fall... all of the above. And the worst part is... I DON'T KNOW WHY!!!!!

Detour. Derail 17-05-2008 02:06 AM


Originally Posted by Katch (Post 767050)
I looked at your photo and you look wonderful - even though your face is half hidden with your hair (which is fab) we can tell you are pretty - you just have to believe it.

I did have a different one...which showed my face...but I took it down because i felt bad about it...

Katch 17-05-2008 02:09 AM


Originally Posted by Bound by Thoughts (Post 767076)
I just took a nap and woke up and now I feel very very VERY... I don' know... dissociated... numb... wanting to cry but no tears will fall... all of the above. And the worst part is... I DON'T KNOW WHY!!!!!

It's Ok not to know why - I think often when we do know why we don't need to cry as it's all inside us. Crying should be such an easy thing when there is so much hurt and confusion - but it's not (I could never cry so i used to put stuff in my eyes when I couldn't cry - in the hope that someone would see I was upset - it didn't work)
Just give yourself time - you may suddenly realise whats bothering you but it might just be all the build up inside you looking for a bit of release.

Katch 17-05-2008 02:11 AM


Originally Posted by Reason[TO]Believe (Post 767081)
I did have a different one...which showed my face...but I took it down because i felt bad about it...

I think you should put it back so we can see it - even if only for tonight - I'm envious as I haven't even had the courage to put one up at all.

Detour. Derail 17-05-2008 02:11 AM

I think....I'm gonna go to bed...
*grabs her Duck and blanket and curls up next to people for company*

BoundNoMore 17-05-2008 02:12 AM


Originally Posted by Katch (Post 767087)
but it might just be all the build up inside you looking for a bit of release.

Yes release... I need release... I NEED TO SH... to make myself feel

Detour. Derail 17-05-2008 02:12 AM


Originally Posted by Katch (Post 767090)
I think you should put it back so we can see it - even if only for tonight - I'm envious as I haven't even had the courage to put one up at all.

Ok...quickly before I go sleepy...

You should feel specail....until you see it:blink:

Katch 17-05-2008 02:12 AM

Ok sleep tight and I hope you wake up feeling a bit better next time.

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