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Sugar and Spice 15-05-2008 09:11 PM

*hugs everyone*

Emma, I am so so sorry to hear that you are feeling like this. It is difficult when it comes to funerals and loss. Just try and hang on in there, the pain will ease a bit with time.

Got pissy with my bf because I'm here actually unable to open the curtains and **** scared when I set foot outside my room (though he doesn't know this) and all he can think about is why I haven't made some headway on the essay that's due in next week.

I just want to disappear. I don't want to be like this.
I want to be normal. I want to be stable.

MammaMia 15-05-2008 09:27 PM

Nobody really cares again tonight. Thanks.

I think I might go to bed early, I'm tired, I feel like utter **** and obv nobody wants to listen :)

loveleigh 15-05-2008 10:01 PM

*checks in until things don't seem so scarey and overwhelming*

I'll prolly be here a few days...

l'il esky 15-05-2008 10:59 PM

whats up hells?? x

MammaMia 15-05-2008 11:25 PM

Just feeling increadibly ****. Don't feel like anyone except one or two people care. I'll hate myself for saying this, but sometimes I get the impression one person doesn't care. I know she does. I know she has her own life and troubles, hence the reason I've not really spoken to her much this last couple of weeks. But I need her tonight, I'm calling out for help pratically. She didn't reply to my text and when I called she didn't really answer properly. So I assumed she'd understand I'd want her to call me...and text her to ask if she could. Meh she's probs drunk which is fine cus I know she's incapable of using her phone lol by that point. I hate feelin so bloody upset/parnoid when this happens...and today it feels worse cus I met her. Well I think it's that >.<

I'm actually crying now. Espically as it's my last ever lesson with Jess tomorrow. I don't wanna have to do this :( Plus like....I will see her around between now & June. But it's not the same. She's helped me change for the better and get thru stuff.

I can't stop crying & gonna go to bed early. I didn't sleep so well.

Pomegranate 15-05-2008 11:40 PM

Helen, hun if you are talking about me (which I presume you are ), I'm not ignoring you hun. I left for church group at 6.30 and got back about 20 minutes ago and I haven't had a call from you come through to my phone either. Hang on, take that back....well not the no call cos it's true I don't but I have just seen you text asking me to call. Remember what the psych said about it all being down to you trying to maintain a positive attitude? I know it's hard but drinking is not going to help with that is it hun? (and no I haven't opened the wine I bought so at this exact moment I am not being hypocritical :P )

MammaMia 15-05-2008 11:56 PM

Glad we've cleared it up over the phone. I feel like a complete ******** now heh. Love yooooo Em <3

MammaMia 16-05-2008 12:03 AM

I love writing in my thread (just wrong a long post). Even if people don't really reply hehe. I wish people weren't struggling so much. I hate seeing all of us struggle :(

lil-princess 16-05-2008 12:20 AM

Heya everyone :)

Anyone wanna chat?

I'm feeling kinda crap should be at my friends but i'm not ops i couldnt face it stupid cow i am eh oh well :( xx

blondiebear 16-05-2008 12:59 AM

Emma, you are not a stupid Cow. It is okay to not want to see your friend lowered into the ground. Only that is only her body. She is in your heart and will be for the rest of your life.

Helen, it is so easy for me to be insecure like you are.

I've been to one aa meeting today but omg I need a meeting! One tonight, one tomorrow morning. Work this weekend but that is okay. Getting stuff done before I leave on holiday in a week. When layers of fabric are too heavy for pin, scotch tape works great!

lil-princess 16-05-2008 01:13 AM

Yeah i know she will be but after tonight i bet she'll be really dissapointed in me :( cause i've self harmed and also thinking about od'ing :'( it just isn't my day i swear.

I'm going to be staying away for a few days, i don't want to but i know it's for the best :( as i'm really struggling and i just don't really wanna be around for a little while.

*hugs all round* Stay safe and strong everyone x x x

MammaMia 16-05-2008 01:21 AM

I just tried to go to sleep. I started crying & feel increadibly frightened. Helen wants her daddy :'( and other people.

chocostashchick 16-05-2008 01:22 AM


MammaMia 16-05-2008 01:43 AM

I'm thinking about leaving the psych ward. It isn't the same anymore, I'm feeling rather left out at the moment. :(

BoundNoMore 16-05-2008 01:50 AM

*hugs Hells* why you feel left out hunny?

MammaMia 16-05-2008 01:55 AM

Because most of my posts in the past couple of weeks have been ignored :( Whether they're happy ones or sad :( I just really need support atm and hardly getting it from anyone in here like I used to. I try to support everyone too....but sometimes I just have no words.

BoundNoMore 16-05-2008 02:05 AM


Originally Posted by Hells (Post 764788)
just really need support atm and hardly getting it from anyone in here like I used to.

Well if you will allow me to, I'd love to be a support for you.

MammaMia 16-05-2008 02:06 AM

Thanks Amanda, that means a lot <3

BoundNoMore 16-05-2008 02:08 AM

You are most welcome dear (sorry... I don't know your name)

MammaMia 16-05-2008 02:11 AM

My name is Helen :)

BoundNoMore 16-05-2008 02:12 AM

Nice to meet you Helen. You are on my buddy list on here now :)

MammaMia 16-05-2008 02:14 AM

Awwww sweet :)

Right, I'm going to try get some sleep now. Hopefully I won't stop crying & feeling frightened again :(

blondiebear 16-05-2008 03:26 AM

Helen, I'm sorry. So often I just don't know what to say.
Esky, it is sunny here! Forcast for Friday is 100F which is about 38C.
lil-princess I will miss you and hope to see you soon.

Ally, where are you?

Hello to anyone i've missed and please don't be upset that I didn't mention you by name. I'm spit with names. It doesn't mean I don't care about you.

I'm now involved in helping the older sister of my 17 year old find the 17 year old. It is a balance between trust and the girl's life.

I'm outta here, got to go to the meeting to unlock the room and make the coffee.

effervescence 16-05-2008 03:35 AM


Originally Posted by Hells (Post 764788)
I try to support everyone too....but sometimes I just have no words.


~*forever_broken*~ 16-05-2008 05:34 AM

Helen, no, I know I've answered a few... But it seems that mostly folks just aren't saying much either. I've felt ignored a bit recently too.*snuggles* please stay.

Hello Susan-mom, I'm here... Just had a busy day... Exhausted and plagued by suicidal thoughts (funny because they don't really come with the feeling they usually do... They're just calm and matter of fact...hmmm)

Take care all

blondiebear 16-05-2008 07:25 AM

Ally-daughter I kind of understand about those kind of suicidal thoughts. I'm not there but I understand.

I'm flat and worried and so tired that I think i'll have to catch up on my sleep just to be merely tired. And I am the one pushing myself so hard. I'm triggered a bit too, more that I want the physical evidence of what a mess up I am. that is not new for me.

effervescence 16-05-2008 08:21 AM

susan, do you really need to be pushing yourself sooo hard? you really keep sounding like you just need a good sleep.

helen, why did he tell you not to go back to your dr/counsellor?

emma, how are u?

ally matter of fact thoughts can be just as scary as other ones i think, cos it can seem like suicide is becoming more a normality to be when i get them, and when im in better moods that scares me.

hugs to all. i think most of us are pretty quiet right now. sometimes its just too hard to talk much, even though we all care.

MammaMia 16-05-2008 08:31 AM

Nah I can see my doctor (I'm thinking about going to see him) and my counsellor, just not people who are psychiratritsts ingeneral, cant really remember why erm think he said I didnt need them or something. LOL ask Emma :)

Sorry if I'm being really bitchy at the moment :(

effervescence 16-05-2008 08:42 AM


Jetforce 16-05-2008 10:46 AM







Every1 else!


Sugar and Spice 16-05-2008 11:44 AM

Oh God, he's mad with me. I was rude yesterday, I admit it. But I apologised. I thought we would be ok. I need him here and he's mad at me so will probs just disappear into the library to work. I need to hug him. I need a big big hug and to be told that everything will be ok. I don't have that though. I'm beginning to regret buying those theatre tickets now. 70 each and by the way we are going we won't be on good terms to enjoy it.

Sorry, am not ignoring anyone. Just having a really really tough time. It is not my intention to make anyone feel like that

*hugs all round*

Jetforce 16-05-2008 11:48 AM

**hugs carole*

Sugar and Spice 16-05-2008 12:02 PM

*hugs jeremy back* thanks :)

effervescence 16-05-2008 12:36 PM

hi carole.

jem u r a nutter :p
a nutcase nerd in fact.

Pomegranate 16-05-2008 01:32 PM

*hugs everyone*
Helen, you know I'm not ignoring you hun. I am just doing a little crappy atm and I answer your texts as soon as I have time, but I can't keep checking my phone 'just in case'. *hugs* I hope you are feeling a little better today. The reason he said to stay away from psychs btw was because they like to prescribe meds and the meds themselves can cause symptoms and he doesn't think you need meds but some psychs will give them to you anyway thus making you worse in the long run. Have you called back the counselling center or the self harm group therapy thing yet?

*hugs Carole* I hope it sorts itself out hun and you have a wicked time at the theatre. What are you going to see? Quick tip for you: some places let you turn up on the night as a student and be seriously discounted tickets. We went to see Wicked in London and instead of paying 60 for top tickets we paid 25. Bargain!

*holds Ally* Stay safe and strong hun. PM me if you ever need to chat (although I won't have net until Sunday pm this weekend). Take care of yourself sweetie xxx

How are you doing Chloe? Jeremy? Callie?

*offers Susan warm hugs* Hope you manage to get some sleep hun x

*pokes around for Zowie, Amanda, Alexx and t'other Emma* Hope you guys are ok *leaves a pile of hugs and soft toys for you all to snuggle*

Emma, I know you have no phone at the moment, but I just wanted to say not to beat yourself up about crying at the grave side. It is natural and you had the strength to come back when her mum got you. You could have refused. I'm sure your friend would have been very proud or you, and especially your beautiful reading. Don't punish yourself about SIing, you have been doing so well with it and are going through an incredibly difficult time so forgive yourself for the slip up sweetie. I hope you are doing a bit better.

Pomegranate 16-05-2008 01:45 PM

As for me...I am getting ready to drive to Nottingham and be girlyfied by my gay friend before going to Manchester on Saturday to a big full evening wear thing with all his family who I have never ever met before. Not really looking forward to it tbh. 1) I have the obvious issue of scars and also one wound from 2 weeks ago which still hasn't healed. He doesn't understand self harm but is worried his family will 'think your mental' when he has told them good stuff about me so far and has never seen all the marks. I am going to try and cover them up with coverup (haha yeah right), a shawl thing and bracelets. I really don't want to wear gloves but I also don't want to deal with the nasty comments from complete strangers.

2) We are staying with his extended family and I *hate* staying with people I don't know really well. I don't know why, it's just a thing I have and am really uncomfortable with and I have never even met these people.

I haven't cut for two weeks now and it is driving me insane. I want to be by myself and completely, well, have a big self destruction session I guess. God that sounds ****ed up but I have been holding all this in since my Grandpa died and before. I genuinely think these have been some of the three worst weeks of my life. In the order they happened
1) Finding Boyfriend cheating with a friend of mine
2) Grandpa dying
3) Having to sort out care arrangements for my Grandma
4) Seriously Falling out with a lot of my family
5) Finding out there is a real possibility of me having to withdraw for a year or failing my exams
6) Even if I do pass then my housing fell through for September AGAIN so I am now homeless

And other small things that I just can't be arsed to write about. In short, I want the entire world to stop. I want to get off. In fact I just don't know what I want but it isn't this.

Sorry for that being so long, thanks if you managed to read it down this far xxx

Sugar and Spice 16-05-2008 01:46 PM

*hugs everyone*

Hi Emma. Hi Chloe. How are you all?

So I met him in the library and left without saying much as just couldn't hack being in that room with so many people. Apologised via text and agreed that he could come up to my room. He asked a load of qus (some of which I couldn't actually bring myself to answer aloud)

OMG. The tickets for the theatre show were a birthday present for him and now I've got these tickets (totalling 140) and he apparently can't come. The show is Monty Python's Spamalot. He is a confirmed Python fan and I thought it would be something he'd really enjoy. It feels as if he's just created an excuse not to be with me that eve.

Went to get in the lift up to the floor and he said "theres no point me going up as I won't be staying" It was just as if he was just abandoning me. I rushed into the lift and kept pressing the button for it to go up, Soon as doors had shut I was in a heap on the floor sobbing. I hurried into my room again. This is where I find myself now (however, the tears have retreated) alone in my room.

I just want to feel safe again.

Sugar and Spice 16-05-2008 01:47 PM

Well done for going so long without cutting Emma *hugs*
Hope that the family don't get to you too much

Sugar and Spice 16-05-2008 04:43 PM

:'( Is anyone here??

youngatheart 16-05-2008 04:58 PM

hello everyonexx

Sugar and Spice 16-05-2008 05:01 PM

hello, how are you doing>

youngatheart 16-05-2008 05:07 PM

Hi carole, Im fine thanks, how are you doing?

BoundNoMore 16-05-2008 05:15 PM

*sits in a corner and rocks -crying* omg omg omg.... WHY ARE MY GUMS BLEEDING?!?!?!!!!!

youngatheart 16-05-2008 05:16 PM

hey Amanda, would you like a hug? are you ok sweetie?

BoundNoMore 16-05-2008 05:18 PM


Originally Posted by crystalheart (Post 765770)
hey Amanda, would you like a hug? are you ok sweetie?

Hugs are great, but they can't make my gums stop bleeding!!! :cry: WHY ARE THEY BLEEDING?!?!

Sugar and Spice 16-05-2008 05:20 PM

I'm not okay. Angry, upset, hurt, ashamed.

*hugs Amanda* Sorry, don't know why. Is it just in places or all of the gum?

BoundNoMore 16-05-2008 05:26 PM


Originally Posted by Carole (Post 765777)
s it just in places or all of the gum?

The whole thing... my entire gum on the bottom.

Sugar and Spice 16-05-2008 05:30 PM

Amanda, I'm sorry but I don't know what to say. Try to book an appointment with your dentist or doctor, that is your best bet tbh x

youngatheart 16-05-2008 06:26 PM

not sure why youre gums are bleeding Amanda, hope theyve stopped now.
Carole, Im just read what happened with the guy(is it your boyfriend?) maybe he just needs some time but sorry about the tickets, when are tehy for?

Sugar and Spice 16-05-2008 06:38 PM

Yes, it is my bf. Cut a long story short, he's coming to the theatre with me. The show is Monty Python's Spamalot and is on Monday (his birthday).

I feel like a failure

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