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-   -   everything keeps going wrong. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=256314)

Auror. 27-08-2019 11:42 PM

everything keeps going wrong.

I don't know if this is the place but I'm talking about being dead (i.e. killing myself) so it seemed more appropriate.

I'm just so fucking tired of everything going wrong. Even after seeing our therapist human or case manager human, I get maybe five minutes of relief or thinking things might work out before everything just goes wrong again.

My medical human for hormones is kicking me out. I do not think I misunderstood this time. It does not sound like getting top surgery is possible. Other body related things occurred literally as soon as our case manager human left.

I'm so tired of trying to do things and trying to make things different and for nothing to ever work. I'm aware this is my fault. I'm not trying to blame anyone else.

But honestly the main reason (other than my dog) I've been trying so hard to put off being dead was because I thought top surgery might actually be possible.

I texted our case manager human and they are now off for the day. I emailed our therapist human and she is unlikely to reply either.

I came home because my dog was freaking out because it was storming but I do not know if there is even a point in trying not to do anything at this point. Everything just feels pointless and I cannot even see what the point is in trying to challenge anything.

Fuck. I'm sorry. I know you all are likely asleep and no one will see this tonight. If I delete it thank you for any replies or hugs in advance.

Zurg 28-08-2019 01:24 PM

I'm really sorry to hear that something you relied on might not work out. But i still urge you to not make any final decisions yet. It might be possible to have the surgery happen in another way, to get a second opinion, to seek out more support and have them back you up when the decision is going to be made.

I know the feeling of everything going wrong and you feel like you only have yourself to blame. It is a very lonely and scary place to be. But don't blame it all on yourself without acknowlegding that you might have legitimate reasons for doing the things you do, in the way you feel is best for you. Meeting a medical system often feels like running headfirst into a wall, there is surprisingly little empathy, time and acceptance. It doesn’t neccessarily mean it is solely your fault that this has gone wrong.

Please try to wait until your team can be in touch with you. I know it sucks, but all is not lost yet.

Hope you're okay after all.

one_step_closer 28-08-2019 03:47 PM

*echoes Kat*

Sorry I don't have any words but I really hope you can hold on and feel better and that things do eventually (soon) work out for you. Take care.

EyelinerAndCigarettes 28-08-2019 05:23 PM

I'm sending you so much love <3

Auror. 29-08-2019 04:16 AM

Thank you all. Our case manager human asked to see the email, so I sent it to them. Then got no response. Our therapist human emailed and says they talked to our case manager human about it. She says I have misunderstood and that we can discuss it tomorrow. It really does not sound like I misunderstood.

I am trying to wait until we see our therapist human but it really just feels pointless. She always seems to be against being dead but she also says it is up to me. Which does make sense but also at the same time feels somehow like she is just dismissing it. I know I talk about being dead a lot but I sometimes do not know if she gets how hard it is to continually have to try to put it off. Maybe she does and I am making an assumption or misunderstanding. I seem to be good at misunderstanding. I am so grateful to have so much support but it just feels like everything I do is wrong.

Greyscale 29-08-2019 02:54 PM

I hope this isn't unwelcome because I know we've discussed some of these things already, but I want to just focus on a couple things.

I know things are really rough and when you weren't able to make an appointment with the top surgeon the other day that was really upsetting. But yesterday you were able to, and you have an appointment scheduled now! I'm going to reiterate that I think working on skills to stay present and aware of what is going on and what you need to do is gonna be important in the process, but I don't think it's impossible for you to get top surgery at all. I think you doing this yourself, without your case manager, might actually show the surgeon that you DO understand and CAN consent, since I remember that being one of the concerns he had. Showing that you're able to communicate and self advocate with the office and surgeon himself may go a long way in changing his mind. I know it's harder without your case manager there, but I think that if you are able to work on some strategies for staying present and communicating prior to the appointment it could actually be a really good way to show the surgeon that you are able to do this.

Secondly, I know I said this when we talked about the email from your doctor that prescribes hormones, and I don't know if that was before or after you posted this, but I just want to stress that they aren't kicking you out. They are ending services with you and all of their patients because they aren't providing ongoing care services to folks anymore since they have a new job now. I know the result is the same, in that it means they won't be your doctor anymore, but I think it's really important to keep a distinction between what is happening (they are ending services with all ongoing care patients due to a new job) and being kicked out (something that would apply only to you and likely would be related to you in some manner). The language we use has power and can influence our feelings about things and plays a part in our reactions to things. Your doctor ending services with you has nothing to do with them not wanting to work with you or not caring or wanting to get rid of you. It isn't your fault at all. It's just that they have a new job in which they are no longer providing the services you saw them for. I know that doesn't make them no longer being your doctor anymore any easier, but I do think framing the situation for what it is (and not how it feels) may actually help with the emotions and self blame you're struggling with here.

I know neither of these things will magically fix things or make things better, unfortunately it isn't that simple. But the way we frame stuff even just in our own minds plays a really big role in how we react and cope with the situations we're going through, and framing things accurately is also really important when trying to come up with ways to move forward. I hope your therapist is able to help explain things more today.

Auror. 30-08-2019 03:52 AM

Yes apparently I have misunderstood. Seems to be common. Things did not go great with our therapist human today though. Apparently nobody understands what is going on which means I am explaining wrong and I am just really tired of it. I don't even know if being able to physically talk would help at this point or not.

Nobody seems to understand why I am not understanding or why this is a big deal or anything. She also did not really say anything about being dead. I know she would just say something like it is my choice but the lack of acknowledgement about it is not really helping. I get talking about something a lot makes it sound not like a big deal. I am unsure.

Also could not even tell her about the top surgery thing. There was not time. I am unsure if there is any point emailing her about it or not. Case manager human says they cannot go to the appointment because they are not working that day. I asked them what we should do and they did not respond. So I am unsure if that means we are meant to go on our own or if we need to not go or what.

I honestly just want to ask our case manager human if I be dead while the death is occurring if that would make it stop because I just want out of this body.

I get in theory that I did not understand things right but I do not really see how this is different than being kicked out.

Thanks. Maybe tomorrow I will feel more able to try to work on how I frame things. I understand what you are saying but I also do not really see the point. Not understanding things right is making me feel even more like I should just be dead.

Auror. 02-09-2019 07:26 PM

I am sorry for posting again. I am really struggling. It is a holiday here today wtf. I sent my therapist and case manager humans an email last night but it is unlikely I will get a response at all, even over the next few days. We do not see our therapist human again until Thursday. I am unsure what specifically would help in regards to replies at the moment. I am trying to do what our therapist human suggested in her email. But the problem is her only suggestions are hiding with my dog when I need to stay safe and I literally cannot do that because I have work and too many other obligations. I am so fucking overwhelmed and exhausted. Sorry if this is horrible and posting too much and ridiculously vague. Feel free to tell me.

one_step_closer 05-09-2019 02:09 PM

Sorry for the late reply and the fact that I don't really have anything to add. I just wondered how you've been doing?

Auror. 05-09-2019 10:55 PM

We saw our therapist human today. She said she was not mad at me. She says if I am dead then we cannot see her on Monday. Which is I guess a fair point.

One of the ponies at the barn where I work almost died but they think he is going to be okay. I was really worried about him. They said they did some research online and spoke to the vets and what happened was not my fault.

Turns out that everyone saying "find a new medical human" actually meant that I was meant to do the stabbings for hormones and follow the same rules that our human we cannot see anymore gave us. Even though they are not our human anymore. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I WAS MEANT TO GET THAT FROM ONLY 'find a new medical human' but alas. When I told our therapist human that those are entirely different and separate things she started laughing. I am unsure why she was laughing. But I guess it is good she is not mad.

I have not been managing to do any of our routine things which is not good. I also now need to figure out doing the stabbing and how to figure out days with that. Being dead still feels necessary but I am glad that our therapist human is not mad at least.

Auror. 06-09-2019 10:35 PM

Sorry again for the double post.

I don't know where to best mention a thing about one of my mental health diagnoses and I do not really want to create a new thread or even where it should go.

I have had it for quite a few months now but I am still not okay with it and it is not a thing that ever goes away and apparently it impacts a lot of things. I know that it is not inherently bad or wrong to have as a diagnosis but I do not think I want it and it is also contributing to needing to be dead which then makes me feel guilty for thinking that way and everything just sort of spirals.

I did some things that I think in theory might not have been bad but they feel wrong and thus more guilt and of course it is not a time or day I can contact anyone because it is the weekend and I have no idea what to do.

one_step_closer 07-09-2019 12:36 PM

It's hard having a diagnosis that impacts on your life, especially if you or others perceive it negatively. Are there ways of managing life with the disorder? What about the disorder contributes to you thinking you need to be dead?

Feelings can be so powerful even when logic says the feelings aren't the same as the situation. Does it help to write down why things you have done weren't wrong and allowing your mind to have its say too about how you feel, just accepting it but not giving it too much power?

Is there no one around at all for you over the weekend? How are you today?

Auror. 07-09-2019 11:20 PM

I am unsure about how other humans manage with the diagnosis. It seems to vary so much that it is really confusing to me to even try to make sense of. But it is apparently a thing I have always had and it does not make sense to me that I only now get it as a diagnosis when I am thirty and I think I must be faking it. There is no way my mother can find out about it and I have not told very many humans about it because I do not want it to be used against me. I am unsure if the top surgery human knows about it but I am afraid that is part of why everyone is saying they do not think I can understand and consent to getting top surgery. I could ask our therapist human again if she will change it but the last time I asked she said she though it fit and she was going to keep it.

I am unsure about feelings. I understand they are separate. I do try to challenge things and separate things when I can but it is really hard when I am constantly so overwhelmed and so stressed.

Our therapist human and case manager human do not work on weekends. So do not really have anyone. Weekends are the days I work at the horse barn which means getting up really early and not sleeping. The horse who almost died seemed better today. He ate all of his pony breakfast for the first time since he got sick which was good and he was acting much more like himself.

I had to ask my mom for money. I have no idea if she will help or not. She is really mad and kept trying to tell me all of these jobs and things I need to apply for. I had to give her a list of all the things I need to spend money on for the month (even though I can only predict and it will not be accurate) as well as how much I am going to be making from my jobs this month (again which I can only predict) to show why there was an issue. I wish I knew what I was doing that was so wrong so I could fix it.

I cannot be dead today because of having to take care of the horses in the morning but I am so stressed and so overwhelmed. I just want everything to stop. If I thought someone would definitely be able to take care of my dog for me I am pretty sure I would try to be dead. I just do not know anyone who might be able to. I get that I am lucky to have all of the things that I have but I am so sick of things being horrible and hard and going wrong.

Auror. 10-09-2019 01:49 AM

Our therapist human cannot be our therapist human anymore. She was why I have put off being dead for so long. I am trying to find a human who can take my dog. I am way beyond not okay.

EyelinerAndCigarettes 10-09-2019 05:50 AM

I'm so sorry to hear that, did she say why?

Auror. 10-09-2019 06:26 AM

She is leaving. She got a different job and is not being a therapist human anymore. She said she is okay with it because it is what is best for her.

one_step_closer 10-09-2019 07:26 PM

Ending therapeutic relationships is so hard, I'm sorry this has happened. Please try not to make any big decisions while you're feeling so awful. I have been through many therapeutic endings and thought I would never cope or never find someone else I could have a good relationship with but it is possible. Have you had to stop seeing professionals before? Will you be having some more sessions to allow you to have a 'good' ending?

Auror. 13-09-2019 12:23 AM

Our case manager human and two friends (who live far away) said we needed to see our therapist human again. We did see her today. It did not change anything. She is still leaving. This is supposedly different than being kicked out but it actually feels worse. I have been kicked out loads of times but this is not the same and it feels worse.

I asked if she would take my dog but she also said no. She said she is not mad. She says if I am not dead she wants us to come see her on Monday. She said she understands if I am dead and cannot come. Also she says she actually likes it when we come see her and that she does not mean she just likes my dog, that she likes me too. I asked her if the rules about lying changed now that she is leaving or if she was trying to make a joke and she said that she was being honest. Nobody has ever said that about me before.

I told her I could not guarantee that I would not be dead Monday. She was not mad. But she said if we did come to see her we could just talk about my dog or the ponies. I told her about a youtube channel for a rider I follow that does eventing and trains mustangs and she asked for the link.

I bought things for being dead. But there is nobody to tell who would not just get mad.

one_step_closer 13-09-2019 12:53 PM

Would you be able to contact your therapist again and let her know what you have? You said she didn't get mad about what you said before. If you want to tell someone that you have bought things then does that mean you aren't sure what is for the best? What would you like someone to do for you? I hope you can talk to someone and hold on.

Auror. 13-09-2019 02:03 PM

No. I never tell anyone specifics because that is a way to guarantee I would be stopped. All our therapist human would do is ask if I want to go to hospital, and I don't. That would not help anything or change anything. That would make things worse. She knows that.

I don't want to tell someone because I want to be stopped. I just want to be able to talk about what is going on.

I guess I would like to see our therapist human on Monday. But that still does not change her leaving and all that leaves is being dead.

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