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-   -   Intense emotional pain (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245810)

one_step_closer 11-07-2017 10:25 PM

Intense emotional pain
I woke up this morning feeling a hell of a lot worse than usual. I was suicidal as soon as I tried to get up and had to force myself to go to my psychology session. My psychologist was really concerned about me and phoned the extended hours service who I went to see and my CPN was there. They were going to admit me to a ward but the ward I usually go to has no beds and my CPN thought that admitting me to an unfamiliar ward would make me feel worse. They were still going to admit me though because I wasn't agreeing to having extra support in the community because everything seems hopeless and I just want to die but after them going on and on about it for an hour I got tired and just agreed to extra community support for a while. The thing is I'm not getting any relief from talking to people any more and that has been something that usually gets me through so I feel very hopeless about things ever changing and I can't cope with the emotional pain any more. Hospital eventually helps but my new psychiatrist says I can only be admitted for a couple of days to a week from now on because I was in August - November last year then January - February then April - May. Nothing ever stays ok when I get home.

I keep trying to hold on but then getting really strong bursts of wanting to kill myself because I can't cope. I'm told to phone NHS 24 if I need to but I'm terrified of using the phone now and there's no point because they would tell me to go to A&E to be assessed where I would probably just be sent home because I can't explain how bad I feel and there might not even be any hospital beds in Scotland I've been told. I can't keep living like this yet nothing ever changes no matter what I do because I can hardly achieve anything now. My CPN thinks it's good enough for me to achieve going to do some food shopping but that's not enough for me. I can't even get out of bed in the morning most days so that gets my day off to a bad start. I don't want to keep living like this. I guess I just wanted to write this down and hope for some replies although I've not really said much that warrants a reply I know. Thank you to anyone who reads this and replies.

Sketchy 11-07-2017 10:43 PM

I don't have much useful to say, but I do want to send some support. I'm sorry things are bad just now. I understand where you are coming from, because I have often felt that way too.

It sounds like you have been through this before. Can you think of what helped in the past, what might help now? Do you have someone you can talk to?

I know it's all so difficult and horrible, but it can and will pass. In the meantime keep reaching out and keep talking. Also, keep posting here too. You are never alone here.

one_step_closer 12-07-2017 12:09 AM

Thank you for your reply. I feel like I have never been in a state like this before, but I also know that I often think the same thing when I get to crisis points. It might help being back here (RYL). I get on really well with my psychologist and I'm dreading our sessions ending, he's the only person who really listens to me and tries to understand and doesn't judge. I'm seeing my CPN in the morning if I can get up on time. She's ok but I don't think she can help.

Sketchy 12-07-2017 01:50 AM

Has your psychologist said when they think sessions will end? It might be an idea to discuss with them and let them know you need and benefit from their support. I hope you manage to see your cpn and are able to talk to her. I know what you mean about if she can help, as I often think my key worker can't help, but it's worth a try. Having someone to vent to can be helpful.

one_step_closer 12-07-2017 06:59 AM

Thank you both. I think I have about 3 sessions left with my psychologist. I'm pretty sure it's 100% certain that my therapy will be ending after those sessions or roughly that amount.

one_step_closer 12-07-2017 09:33 AM

I'm really struggling. Been close to overdosing but I can't physically take enough tablets. The emotional pain is really, really sharp right now. Physical pain is not taking it away and I can't seem to distract myself. I can't bear to feel this any more, there is never any relief for long. I am absolutely drowning. I seriously have to end this.

tiptoes 12-07-2017 09:49 AM

Is there any community support you reach out too? have you seen your CPN yet?

I hear how desperate you are feeling today, how is your day looking? You say distractions aren't working today, can ask what you have tried, we might be able to think of some other things.

I can relate to the struggling to get out of bed getting the day off to a bad start that you feel you can't recover the day. Mornings are often my worse part of the day too. One thing that I find helpful is to put no expectations on myself in the morning. If it takes me 3 hours to get out of bed, it takes me 3 hours to get out of bed. I then start to set myself small challenges like staying in bed but making sure I'm sat up and not lying down. Or lying on the bed not in the bed. Then moving from the bed to the sofa. I try to think about how long it takes me to start to feel human and then set that as the time after which I have to do something - getting dressed, doing something low key and useful and build the day from there.

I appreciate that baby steps feels so hopelessly slow and small achievements feel insignificant but we need the small wins to give us those small lifts that allows us to do the things that feel more like achievements.

one_step_closer 12-07-2017 01:04 PM

Thanks for your reply. I emailed a local charity that provides short term support for people who are suicidal and I've to meet someone tomorrow. I saw my CPN and she said she'll phone me when she's back from her holiday in 3 weeks time and move my appointment forward. I'm trying so hard to stay safe but my suicidal feelings get stronger at different points in the day and at those points I feel impulsive and like I have to end everything asap. Even if I try to tell myself that the feeling will pass because it has before I either can't imagine it happening or I think that there's no point fighting because the feelings will just come back strongly again and again if I stay alive.

stuckin2009 12-07-2017 01:52 PM

Hey there, I'm glad this post started with "I woke up this morning." Very good to have you here. I don't have much to say, but I know how hard it can be to push through when you feel as though there's just no point. Take each win as it comes, you have support here.

UnanimousAnonymous 12-07-2017 02:36 PM

I have no great words of wisdom right now but you have managed to word exactly how I feel too. I really hope you get some support from your team and begin to feel better.

one_step_closer 12-07-2017 02:40 PM

Thank you.

I'm struggling a lot right this second and don't know what to do. I can't phone my CPN because I have already seen her. There's nothing anyone can do to help anyway and I can't end up back in hospital because it will upset my brother. I know that me being in hospital would upset him less than me being dead but at least if I was dead the pain would stop for me and I wouldn't be able to see his pain (very selfish I know). I just do not know what to do to ease my emotional pain and I don't want to have to fight this any longer.

tiptoes 12-07-2017 03:05 PM

Sorry you are struggling, I'm glad you have posted.

3 weeks sounds like a long time to go before speaking to your CPN again given how difficult things seem to be, do you think it would be worth seeing if you could see someone else whilst she is on vacation?

I'm glad that you have emailed a charity, can you hold to meet them tomorrow?

When I am struggling with strong suicidal thoughts I try to write a plan to get through each unit of time that feels achievable whether that is an hour or 5 minutes. Do you think that might help you now?

one_step_closer 12-07-2017 03:33 PM

I will be seeing a support worker once a week but I don't really know her and find it hard to talk to her. I'm scared to move from my chair or run out of things to do on my laptop because I think I'll be unsafe. I'm trying to think that maybe the charity can help me because it's something I haven't tried before but there are so many hours until 2pm tomorrow. I find it hard to make plans because I can't concentrate on a lot and when I make plans I usually don't follow them because they're too strict.

tiptoes 12-07-2017 03:42 PM

If 2pm tomorrow feels too far away just focus on the next few hours.

What kind of things on your laptop are helping at the moment? I quite like the site games for the brain it has quite a few short games and most of them don't have a timer so it doesn't matter is I zone out for a bit. I also quite like online jigsaws but they can require a bit more attention depending on the number of pieces you go for.

I meant plan quite loosely like have tv on or play games on laptop, keep occupied, sit quietly, make a cup of tea, surviving in 5 minute chunks.

I'm glad that you have some support whilst she is away, I appreciate it must be difficult to talk to someone you don't really know though.

one_step_closer 12-07-2017 04:37 PM

I'm going round in circles on my laptop, checking things like Facebook and I'm running out of things I can concentrate on. I have TV to catch up with but really don't feel like watching anything. I'm supposed to phone the crisis team tonight so I've been counting down the hours until they start although the person who is on just talks a lot about things that I don't find helpful. I'm generally finding nothing helpful though. Everything seems very hopeless.

tiptoes 12-07-2017 05:23 PM

If you need distractions on your laptop you could always pop into the "I need distractions" thread in General Chat, they are a friendly bunch.

one_step_closer 12-07-2017 06:49 PM

Thanks for the suggestions. I don't really like games. I'm trying to find the courage to phone the crisis team.

Sketchy 12-07-2017 07:14 PM

Try phone crisis if you need help. I know it can be hit or miss with crisis, but I have had times where I've felt listened to and was helped. Hopefully you'll get to speak to someone who listens and helps too. They are there for times like this.

one_step_closer 12-07-2017 08:35 PM

The person who I spoke to from crisis last night told me to phone tonight and that she's on. My CPN wants me to phone too but I just get so anxious. I prefer face to face support. I might just try and get through tonight on my own, I'm holding on for my meeting at the charity tomorrow. I say that but if the suicidal feelings get really big again I don't know what I'll do. I don't feel able to phone crisis right now, I'll try to answer if they phone me but I don't think I can make the call.

UnanimousAnonymous 12-07-2017 08:43 PM

I can understand, I'm sorry things are so hard right now. Do you have any PRN meds to help you sleep tonight? If not, is there anything that helps you sleep so that you can get through tonight before seeing the charity tomorrow? I really hope they can offer you some help. Thinking of you xx

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