Quitting smoking's not going very well. I managed half of Wednesday and then most of Thursday. But on Thursday evening I got so desperate I phoned a friend and asked her to bring some baccy round.
Stupid.

Sorry I've been quiet the last few days....I think I got stuck in the smoking shelter?! Anyhoo have just read through what I've missed and my brain is so so crap that I can't retain anything, so for fear of upsetting or missing anyone one out......"GROUP HUGGLE!!!!"
*gathers everyone for a lovely squishy comforting group huggle*

ahh thats better....

Arwen, don't punish yourself for struggling giving up smoking. I am the biggest idiot going and didn't start smoking until I was 25!! That was done intentionally for all the reasons they tell you not to smoke.....now thats stupid! Then when I met my partner, his dad had died of lung cancer when he was a teenager, and so I felt very guilty and insensitive smoking around him. I gave up for a bit with the aid of patches....until he went to afghan and then I smoked again.....then I tried giving up again when he returned, but I got so desperately unhappy with my weight gain that I told him in January that I'd rather smoke and be slimmer than not smoke and be a chubalub. I really hope that when I start my therapies and am not quite so unstable I'll be able to quit again as logically I know its not good for me and a waste of money.....but at the moment logic doesn't prevail. Anyhoo, I don't know if any of this waffle makes sense, but I wanted you to know you're not alone in your struggle, don't beat yourself up over it.

*goes into corner and bangs head on pot plant*

Oh my goodness, just spoken to my supposed best mate who I've only seen twice this year and not spoken to properly since march. I'd emailed her explaining why I've withdrawn and am finding things so difficult on monday just gone. So I thought maybe this was her phoning to see how I was doing, apologise for not putting in any effort with me and finding out what was wrong sooner. Silly me, it was of course to see if I wanted to go out drinking tonight!!! She then told me I'm not as nuts as I think I am and to pull myself together. I told her she's not inside my head!!!! I don't tell everyone how I'm feeling. So she then told me off saying I should, and I was like, hello?! I'm trying, hence going to dr and psychologist. She then said yeah ok cos I guess you can't talk to Eoghan (pronounced Ewan - my partner) cos he's not that deep. OH MY ****ING GOODNESS!!! How dare she say that about him?! Raaaaa!!!!!!

Sorry to rant in here, I don't really want advice or anything on it, so no point starting a thread, but I'm just so.......Argghhhh.......that I thought I should come in here and stay safe.

*Hugs Hayley and Eclectic*a*

Thanks Hayley, I haven't really got any reason to quit other than my health and lack of money. My dad's an ex-smoker and now really hates smoking. So I guess quitting is partially for him too. I'm also really scared about the weight gain that sometimes follows when you quit smoking, when I managed to go a week I had a serious craving for sugary foods!

I want to go to the pub. Now.

*hugs all*

I'm on six hour leave, and on the internet again. Just went shopping for stuff to take back to the hospital.

Hm.

Keep going all of you.

I'm struggling -.-

Keep me safe guys. I'm scared of what I might do. I can't control my mind. I feel like I'm losing the battle. :-(

Ugh, what the ****?! Talk about bloody insensitive! *Hugs* And as for ranting in here, don't apologise, tis what's the place is for!

*Cuddles* Not sure what to say tbh

*Hugs* You keep going as well, Oly. I mean it when I say that you're a strong and brave woman


@__@ Triggered here, and keep going spacey again. Was alright to begin with, but mood dropped for now reason

sits by the window looking out.. i dont care if i never come out.. in here im in a world within a deeper world i close the door on you to.. i dont want to see or hear any one.. i just want to sleep and look out the window when i wake.. thats not much to ask for.. just peace away on my own.. maybe il feel stronger.. and leave when i know .. that the door beyond these walls will close behind me and i can return to were i should be.

Thanks so much Damnation (sorry I forgot your name -.- ), I do try to keep going.

Nearly got my leave taken away for telling a nurse I wanted to buy solvents. Me = idiot with a big fat mouth ~_~

Hugs to you Damnation, depressed moods suck and spaceyness sucks too, but I know you can get through it.

wow, busy friday night in the ward as usual

*jumps on Jem and SteelMaiden for big hugs* look after yourselves

Hiya Lucy, there's a nice view from the window here, and the seat is very comfy

*hugs Dayna* hoped the spaciness passed without causing too many problems

*hugs Myself* keep fighting, do you want to talk about it?

*hugs Kat* god luck trying to give up smoking and hope you are ok.

*hugs Arwen* we all know how difficult it is to stop smoking especially with our own self-destructive tendancies, but keep trying cos each one you don't smoke helps.

*hugs Hayley* I can't believe your friend said that I think I'd have put the phone down on her, hope you are okay, rant rant away, best place for it :)

*hugs Kahlia* good luck moving am excited for you, hope things are going ok.

*hugs secrets* hope you are ok.

*hugs anyone else needing one*

I'm ok, need to get my arse in gear today, get things done so I can enjoy a day out tomorrow. Thought I wanted a night in last night and I think it would have all been fine if it hadn't been for half a bottle of wine and talking on msn with a friend of mine who wants to have sex with me but as a bit of fun with no intention on leaving his girlfriend. I am worth more than that, I am :( Anyway like I said, I'm okay, just a bit blue, and tired.

*hugs again*

Thank you for the hugs eclectic*a :)

*Hugs Oly back* Hope you enjoyed your leave. Are you still struggling?

*Hugs Myself* (Hah. That sounds like I'm hugging me :P) You can stay in here as long as you want. Rant as much as you like, that's what this place is here for :)

*Prepares a bed for Dayna* I find when I'm spacey that it really helps to just lie down and close my eyes. Don't know what works for you though...

What's up Lucy? You're obviously having a hard time, want to explain and talk about it?

*Hugs Hannah* You definately are worth more than that and I'm glad you know that. Alcohol + MSN isn't always a good idea really, I can see why you feel a bit blue.


I'm going up to a pub close to my house to ask about bar work. My gran's friend recommended me and he said I'm welcome to come in for a chat about a possible job. This feels good, I'm good at interviews, but I think I have a good personality (at times) and an informal chat will be easy. I really hope this leads to something, I want to work behind a bar and this pub isn't too far away (nor is it a dump!)
Okay, wish me luck guys :) xxx

Wildly Insane and Zowie (sorry forgot your names =_= ) thanks for the hugs. I am actually still on leave and will be until 4pm. I am still struggling but my doctor is very liberal on leave as she wants me to integrate back into society.

*hugs wildly insane and zowie* and good luck zowie on the interview.

Iv mothing in me and worth saying.. hopefully tommorrow will be a better day.

Im finding it hard to sleep, i cant settle and go, sleep is important im awear of that.. every nite i try to aime for around 12.. sometimes the enviroment around takes till 2am to settle, i cant settle till i know everything is ok,.. by the time 2am/3 even.. i bounce back and feel very much awake again, this is going on nite after nite.. i feel if i dont get my sleeping in order il crash.. cus im already crushed.

Oly, my name's Arwen :)

I phoned the pub and asked what time would be good for me to come in, and he said there's no point as he's already got the maximum ammount of staff.
Damn.

Arwen - nice name - damn that's annoying. I'm sorry that happened.

Spaciness passed alright. Triggeredness, not so. I ended up in a bit of a state in bed this morning, horrible thoughts going round my head, mental images of suicide, a load of different methods and **** x_x. Spaciness is back again right now, so I needs to deploy diversionary tactics methinks

*Hugs to all*

Oh, and Oly: call me Tödlich ^_^. And from what you said, I presume that while you nearly got leave taken away, you still actually have it? Hope so

On leave until Mon morning. Finding it great to see family and my boyfriend but also very unsafe and I'm struggling.

Big cuddles to all xxxxxxxxx

I cut on two different occassions at work today. Things keep going round and round in my head. I am trying so hard to resist. I want to keep fighting... but I don't know if I have the strength.

i think im ready to leave this ward.. i feel stronger.