*hugs kat again* i have a counsellor, consultant psychiatrist, and a DBT worker, but they say i havent got depression, and that theres nothing wrong with me! they wont admit me to a psych ward, even though after 7 ODs in 3 months, and a 136 admission, i ASKED to be admitted because i knew it was best for me :/

EDIT:hayley-did you just call me a 'young one'?? i'm 16 now :/ lol. (sorry, just get a bit funny about people thinking i'm a child :/)

Nicole, sweet, I'm sure that Hayley meant nothing mean by saying that, it's just that you ARE young compared to the rest of us... but that doesn't mean that you aren't mature or wise or anything. It's just a number deal. :) Personally, I don't really think about the ages of the people who post here, unless it's an alt and I NEED to think about his/her age. Make sense? *cuddles*

I'm sorry for the lack of individual replies here, I'm really struggling myself at the mo... :(

*huggles nicole* I dont get the MH system, it's more messed up than we are. Down where i am, depression/pstd/MPD or anything like that is just 'a bad reaction that will go away' and not a mental health issue.

Right so I self harm, I talk to myself in my head and have other people living in me, one of whom would kill me and anyone who got in the way given half the chance to come out front, and I have to fight this ALONE?!because i'm not 'ill' i'm just 'reacting' to some 'traumatic experiences'?! *sighs* sorry getting wound up and angry.

How the hell can this be just depression? How can it be over anaylsing myself? (one not so clever Psy Health nurse's diagnosis after one meeting) I've told them time and time again that i'm blank and normal in counselling because i've been taught to be, its my built in protection system. I was conditioned to be 'normal', that's what a good abuser does. but they dont listen.

Just because i'm not suffering with a chemical imbalance or an incurable mental illness, then i'm not ill, i can do it by myself. just because there is a person to blame, i dont deserve help and support.

*cuddles april* i know she didnt mean it like that, i just get a bit paranoid because i get treated so much like a child at home that i HATE being called young.
sorry hayley. :/

*cuddles april* i'm sorry you're not doing well right now

*hugs kat* its the same here, i self harm, have made 7 suicide attempts this year, have violently attacked my mum, not because i wanted to hurt her, but because i wanted her to hit me back, i have flashbacks and random urges to do stupid things, yet according to MH proffesionals, i dont even have depression :/.

Ooh Nicole, firstly sorry for delayed response, have just been reading up on past pages of everyones recent struggles, including yours. Secondly, I didn't mean it in a patronising way at all. I'm sorry, but what I meant was, when I was 16 I didn't have half of the wisdom that you come out with in here, often I forget that you're younger than some of us until you mention school and I know that you're not that much younger than a few of the other ward mates. You'll just have to excuse me as my 29th birthday is fast approaching and all of the things that I had thought that I would have achived by now, that I had planned for myself at 16, haven't happend. The last time I achieved anything I was 16, my GCSE's, so I'm just feeling old and full of regret and wish to be 'young' and 16 again, before any of my bad stuff. But I know full well that 16 is not a child. Sorry...I'm waffling again.

Gosh, just looked at bottom of page, lots of people in the common room....sorry can't cope....

*goes out to smoking shelter*

*cuddles hayley* i know you didnt mean it like that, i'm just paranoid and being stupid, sorry if i sounded ungrateful about you calling me wise. thankyou, it means a lot (although i really dont see where you got that from, i'm not wise at all!) and sorry you havent managed the things you wanted since you were 16, but if it makes you feel any better, my GCSEs start in 2 weeks, and i'm going to fail because i have litterally been into school 6 days since christmas :/

*creeps back in from smoking shelter*

I spy the guys! *huggles Oliver and Mark*

nicole - honestly some things you have said I think of as wise, even if you can't see it yourself. And no sweetie, it doesn't make me feel any better that you have struggled so much. At least I can count myself lucky that I was relatively happy until I was 16 (did have some problems, but they seem not so important now, I'd go back in an instant). It is so unfair that you have been through so much and are still struggling in what is - in the grand scheme of things - a short life so far.

I just wish we could all be happy. I've just written a journal entry hoping it'd help me. Now I'm just thinking about getting my 'for emergency use only' blade out. Screw 10months. I don't give a **** anymore.

Help. I don't know whats wrong with me today.

Oh great, here come the tears. bollocks

decison has been made. If I'm not meant to bugger up then divine intervention will stop me!!

*hugs hayley* thankyou sweetie. PUT THAT BLADE AWAY NOW! dont even think about ruining it! whats brought this on huh? you might not care now, but you will later, when its all ruined, sorry if i'm being hypocritical, and i know i cant talk, but honestly where does it get you? it helps for a while, and then you're back feeling worse than you were before you cut! sorry for shouting, but please, please dont ruin it?? *extra sepecial hugs*

well it hardly counts as a cut...its pathetic really....ooh was going to explain then but then thought it may be triggering for people. I'll be able to get away with it though. So no one needs know. So I haven't really messed up....

I feel bit better now, like I think I could focus on WoW now to keep me safe.

Thank you for caring enough to shout at me Nicole. xx

thats ok. :( sorry you felt the need to do that. *big hugs*

*cuddles Hayley tight* Sweetheart, if I had been here (was on WoW :o) I would've yelled at you too... well, "yelled," because I totally understand... but please try not to get back into the habit of cutting, okay, love? :( *more cuddles*

Just found out that a girl I thought was a SI'er IS a SI'er... and that she has bulimia. That triggers the hell outta me... I wish I were brave enough to actually purge instead of just have the urges... :'(

But I have to get healthy because I am not in school anymore.

BOLLOCKS. Yeah right I have to... other people hold down jobs and aren't "healthy." :-/

Sorry, am not making much sense right now... :'(

*Hugs Hayley* I'm sorry you feel so crap , I'd join you on WoW but I can't get it to recognise my password so I may have to start over *Sigh* Anyhoo just *MASSIVE CUDDLES*

*Hugs April* I'm sorry you are so triggered :(

*Hugs Nicole*

*huggles April* Sorry I don't have much more at the minute.

*huggles Mark* I can still see you! lol I'm gonna clean up my cut (it appears to now need attending to when it previously didn't, whoops) and then go on WoW for a couple of hours before meds and bedtime, so log on if you would like me to help you level up. No dramas though if your too stressed still to focus. Just wnated you to know...

*toddles of to sort herself out*

EDIT: ah mark, just seen your post about WoW. Thats crummy. Well if you have to start over again, or when you get logged on just give me a text if I'm not online and I can help you level up more quickly again so that time hasn't been wasted.

*curls up next to Mark to keep him company and safe*

just updated my r/v thread... still a pathetic bitch... i REALLY AM. :'(

*hugs april tight* sorry you're triggerd :( and i'm glad that you dont have the guts to purge, although i know what you mean about wishing you could, i do too. i cant even restrict anymore. i used to be able to go like 4 days without eating, now i cant even go one :(

i can't have an ED anymore because i've got to be professional. and handle life in good ways.

:'(

i WANT my ED back. i can't restrict much anymore either, although i can if i don't think about it.

damn it all...................

see, am a pathetic bitch. :'(

*squishes april* you're NOT a pathetic bitch! you're a lovley girl who's been through a lot of **** and is struggling!