Thanks for the hug Seraph :) I've got all the windows open and it's cooled down a bit. I'm English too - Not used to it being so hot!
It's been so humid, I just hope there's a thunder storm tonight to stop it feeling so muggy! xx

thanks jazz. and zowie for the hugs. argh!!! i feel god awfull, have felt this way sence the morning. had insane day, im not sure what was wrong but i was up in our work staff room, and i just burst into tears, no idea why. the rest of the night hasnt got better, i manged to upset someone, another freind isnt talking to me. hmm im just going to hide and not say another word. i suck so much, argh i hate me

*more hugs for shadowedsoul* I know exactly what you mean. I quite often find myself in tears while i'm on break in the work staff room and never know why i'm crying. I have two friends whom i care deeply for who just broke up after a 2 year relationship, and they've stuck me in the middle of it. not fun. =(

and you don't suck love! you're just having a rough time of it, and that's okay. Do yourself a favour and take some time for you. Maybe make some tea and run a nice warm bubble bath? Relax, I'm sending you love and positive energies my friend <3

*hugs to everyone else*

It's Canada Day today, which means that at work (i'm doing the closing shift again, it's all i ever do) I'm going to have to deal with a lot of drunken, drugged-up people, and I can almost guarentee that at least one customer will decide i'm not doing things fast/well enough and pull out a knife and threaten to kill me. It happens every single time I work on a statuatory holiday. Ick.

*hugs zowie* i totally agree, bring on the rain!

*hugs shadowedsoul* you dont suck we all have crappy days now and again

*hugs jazz* you poor thing, no one deserves that at work

Wish me luck! I'm heading off to work. Got my bullet-proof vest (that I wear when i do more dangerous horseback riding activities such as cross country) on just incase. O.o

*hugs everyone*

Hey there peeps, I'm well chuffed I did everything on my list to do today :) I went for a run and a horse ride and went dancing and started another job application (which I haven't managed to do for weeks) and worked on my legal secretary course as well, went to my job centre meeting and bought a swim suit. I must admit I go against the grain in here and love the heat :) sorry :P supposed to end soon though guys.

*hugs ya all*

*hugs Jazz* good luck at work, doesn't sound much fun, hope you're okay though

*hugs Shadowedseraph* hope you are okay

*hugs Shadowedsoul* don't beat yourself up hun, we all have days when we feel like that, you have to look after yourself *cuddles*

*hugs Arwen* I hope you have a lovely time with your friend. I hope you managed not to purge, I've been eating too much recently too, I know it sucks but I'm sure it doesn't warrant purging

*hugs Katie* I know how difficult it can be wanting to talk to someone, but really it could be better for you just not to, can you talk with someone else, what about your boyfriend? Don't go back hun, it's not worth it.

*hugs Cheryl* please don't give up hun

*hugs Secrets* I hope your headache went and your day was okay

*hugs Kahlia* any luck calming those voices down?

*hugs Dayna back* I'm actually not bad, I surprise myself :) 9 weeks free, but the biggest thing is that I've managed to get another job application started which is the first one in three weeks, because I've just been thinking what's the point, so that's good. Glad you're doing okay, despite the heat, lol.

*hugs hayley* how you doing?

*hugs HannahBanana* you okay?

*hugs Helen* you're being quiet hun, hope you're okay.

*hugs anyone else relishing the air conditioning, unless of course you are inhabiting the southern hemisphere in which case there is probably a roaring fire in here, lol*

I had an evening in with my dad. We drank wine and watched the Dave channel.
But then he went to bed and I watched a film, and it really triggered me. For so many reasons. I don't want to go to bed feeling like this, so I'm going to keep drinking until it passes.

I just wish it wasn't so damn difficult.

I thought I was starting to get over him. Now the pain's returning >_<

Yeah it sucks. Although just to clarify (and my bad if I did make it sound like this) we never did go out. We are just really good friends. That's all. I mean him being in another country makes it next to impossible of anything happening anyway. And I would have talked to my boyfriend last night if he wasn't in bed with a migraine =[ But it's ok. I feel ok now. Had a good sleep, I think that's what I needed. Perhaps being over tired doesn't help :P

Take care Zowie, always horrible when a movie triggers you. I went to the movies last night to see The Hangover and it triggered me a bit :/ Was just not expecting a few of those scenes *hugs* and thanks for chatting last night :)

*cuddles dayna* take care too ok... i hate the pain =[

Hannah- good job with what you did :D *claps* *cuddles*

*hugs Katie* all my best friends are guys and so I totally get you if you wanted to talk to him but can't cos he's in another country, glad you're feeling better though and had a good sleep.

*hugs Arwen* I hope the triggeredness passed quickly so you could go to bed, I hate it when that happens, even the most incongruous film can do it. Hope you slept ok.

*hugs Dayna* the pain will ease again, I know it's not much help at the moment, but it will and you'll find someone so much better :)

*hugs all*

Voices are still bad and my doc (GP) is on holidays for the next two weeks, so no chance of a med review until she gets back. Just have to hang in there until then.

*hugs wildlyinsane* well done on doing so much!

*hugs zowie* hope you managed to get through your triggeredness, it sucks when that happens

*hugs Damnation* hope your ok

*hugs BigBear* wether you went out or not doesnt stop the hurt sometimes

*hugs Kahalia* your strong you'll hang in there until she gets back and we're here for you! :)

----

i want to have a real good cry but the tears just wont come :( what is wrong with me that i can't seem to be happy

Went to bed and slept for ages. The feelings have passed. Thanks xx

There's way too many posts to answer too individually.

*hugs for all*

I'm also loving the heat wildly insane you aren't alone.

*hugs Shadowedseraph back* thanks :) I know what it's like to want to cry and can't. I think maybe sometimes we find it so hard to let go of the sadness because it's all we've known for so long.

*hugs Secrets* hope you're okay

*hugs Kat* sorry to hear you're struggling *cuddles*

*hugs Arwen* glad the feelings passed, hope you had a good day

*hugs Kahlia* hang in there

*hugs to everyone else*

Am rather busy at the moment, hope I cope with it all okay, don't know how much internet I'll get over the next few days so I just want to say I hope the weekend goes well and take care of yourselves *hugs all round*

Sorry I haven't ben around. Would do indvidual replies but there's far too many to try and do. Hope everyone's doing a bit better today/soon :)

Not doing well my end. So much crap happening that I'm totally losing track lol. Had two round of flashback today, was awful. Need them to **** off again for a while. Visitng a best friend next week and stopping over (she used to be on RYL), would rather they didn't happen there. Though I know she would be fab in helping mind you. Think I may have infected cuts hahaha (ok not funny) so keeping an eye on them. Just found out one of my best friends has been telling a few lies, am SO angry. Oh well get to punish myself again for that, because it's clearly something I've done.

Is everyone going to abandon me sooner or later?

*hugs all*

I go to see a gp about getting some more pain meds today... A bit worried as its not my normal gp cause she's on holidays. Voices are bad am currently taking 10 mgs olanzapine as prn meds. My housemate od'd last night and has asked me to hang onto his meds until he's more in control. Or at least the med that he od'd on. Got to leave home in an hour to catch the bus. Yay .... not. I have a 20 minute walk to the bus stop that allows me to catch the bus I want. Coming home, my sister-in-law will pick me up after 3 pm. S I may have somee waiting to do. But oh well.

Sorry excuse me for rambling about myself. I hope everyone has had a better time of things, and/or that things get better soon. *hugs to yoiu all*

I'm like.. so over everything at the moment.

Uh huh..

*hugs Katie*

Thanks Kahlia *hugs* I hope your day was ok. Waiting sucks! hope your housemate will be ok.

sorry guys but im out. being feeling ****. yestarday just about sent me over and i nearly cut. apartly i just bitch and moan, and no one whats to hear it. okay this person was tierd and hant had alot of sleep. but it really hurt, and angered me, and really upset me. i wanted to just come to a site were i could excape all that **** i had to deal with in really life. because that what happens, people take there anger or tiredness out on me. its not my fault if i cant express how i feel. hmm =/ sorry for this pointless post.

*hugs to all* Sorry i can't do individual replies but i feel like s*** i truly belong on the ward right now i'm all mixed up inside i feel sick with it. I truly want to sleep and never wake up and then i feel guilty for feeling that way because i know how that would hurt my parents and friends. Sorry pointless post *curls up in a corner with a blankie*

Oh my goodness... so much going on in the ward whislt I was out of it on pain meds for my back. My back is now practically out of spasm so I'm just on my regular pain meds now, so with no dihydracodiene, no morphine and no diazepan in my system I'm not feeling as ok as I was. Infact I hit myself til my arms are black and blue and purged with laxatives last night so everythings just 'mega'....or not, but hey, I didn't cut so thats something right?

I'm so sorry that everyone else is going through so much **** at the moment, but my head isn't in the right place after my therapy session yesterday to be able to offer supportive individual responses, just know that I'm thinking of you all and here for cuddles, huggles and snuggles with a huge box of tissues to mop up our tears.

I wish I could tell people how I'm really feeling, cos how can I stop feeling like this unless I tell the truth and try to get better?! But the words don't come out. I don't want to upset anyone else. arrghh!!!

ooh just seen the time, next lot of meds and a fag me thinks....

*goes out to the smoking shelter*

been doing online food shop at tescos.....anyone got any requests for in here? How I wish that I could get gluten free food thats low calorie.... guess I'm in for a lot of salad and rice cakes this week coming....

*bangs head on wall*

*goes out to smoking shelter hoping someone will be in here when I return*

*sprays self with pretty smellingb stuff so as not to stink of fags*

sorry for waflling nonsense and taking up uber amounts of room in here, but I don't know what else to do to stay safe.

Hey guys

Sorry I haven't been around for a few days, just not been in a typing frame of mind. I've had an ok week. Been exercising loads, been to lots of exercise classes and stuff. It's a less damaging way of burning off calories rather than purging. I met my new psych yesterday and he is absolutely lovely. Been put on (as well as clonazepam) citalopram and also on the pill because my GP said today that my oestrogen levels are at pre-pubescent levels. The psych is gonna have a meeting with various people and decide what treatment plan because I have quite a few different problems it's quite complicated.

I hope you are all doing ok, lots of loves and hugs to you all xxx

Hi everyone. Would do individual replies, but am on my sister's mini computer (I accidently uploaded a virus on our PC!) and it would be a bit tricky.
Had some friends over last night which was nice, and having a drink with my dad tonight.
Hope everyone's okay. Thinking of you all.
xxx

Housemate went into hospital today for a lumpectomy. She said that if everything goes well, she'll be back tomorrow.

Now there's a chance she might not be. So...does that mean that it didn't go too well, or what? :/

Hope everyone is safe. I'm not. Hospital won't take me, no beds. I'm going between RYL and another forum i'm on, trying to keep grounded.

i had surgery to take a metal rod out of my arm from when i broke it a couple years ago, and because i'm allergic to the available pain medications, i've got to go med free. and because of the anasthetic, i can't take my normal meds either, and the meds for the HIV are making me go crazy, and i'm scared.:crying:

but the scariest part? I'm sitting on the roof of my 2 story house, with my laptop. you'd think it'd be the least safe place for me? no, it's the only place i could find that didn't make me feel like someone was going to come kill me:notsure:

Hayley - I'm sorry nobody was here last night for you, hon, I hope that you're ok...

Hannah - *big hugs* Glad it's been a better week for you. It sounds like things are on the mend and you have somebody that's really going to try and help you. I hope it all goes to plan, keep us updated?

Tödlich - ( I hope that's right!) ... Don't worry about your housemate, I'm sure she's fine. Sometimes they like to keep to keep people in a bit longer just to make sure that there's going to be nothing wrong. Send her my best...and I hope she's home soon...

Jazz - I'm sorry you're not feeling safe, hon, but I hope you're ok...It sounds like the hospital haven't done a very good job of helping you if they've messed about with meds...hopefully there'll be a bed for you soon and you can get the help that you want/need. If you need to talk, just drop me a message or something. :)

*hugs to everybody else* Hope you're all ok! xxx

i'm feeling better, and want to come down from the roof, but i'm stuck. *blushes* i have very limited use of my left arm, so i can't get onto the ladder to get back down so i can go to bed, and it's 5:30 in the morning!

maybe this wasn't such a good idea...

*hides in the corner* hate myself today

*offers hugs to all*

Wish the weather would make it's mind up :wow:

*bounces about ward* :woot: I'm whats called an Incarnated Angel!! I discovered this last night whislt reading a book when I took myself off to bed early to stay safe. Everything has fallen into place!! I'm not mental or different or disabled....its just that I'm an angel in a human body!! I feel fantastic now it all makes sense!! :-D

The thing is.... this isn't one of my crazy distraction things, I wholeheartedly believe it.... So now everyone thinks I've reached breaking point....and to be honest I don't care if thats what it is, 'cos I've been happy and on a high since 8.30pm last night!! :woot: And I'm still feeling good even though I have pain from my physical problems.

Anyhoo....

*huggles Hannah banana* I really hope that the new meds help and I'm so pleased for you that you're new pscyh is absolutely lovely! :-)

*Huggles Arwen* Oops a daisy for a virus on your PC....perhaps I should hug your PC better instead?.....:tongue2:

*finds Arwens PC and huggles it*

*huggles Todlich/Dayna (sorry am confused?!)* I really hope that you've had some good news about your housemate by now. I hope you've not been worried too much.

*huggles Jazz* Oh my goodness, what crap complications of medication issues that you're having to deal with, I can only imagine what its like. I hope that you managed to get down from the roof safely and then stay safe.

*huggles Vicki* thanks for the huggles sweetie, no need to apologise for no one being here - thats not your fault. Anyhoo the ward served its purpose and got me through it.

.....*goes over to corner.....*

*huggles Shadowedseraph* Do you want to talk and let your feelings out? Or I can just sit with you for a while in this corner? Or I can bugger off to another bit of the ward.... Remember that we don't hate you in here, so focus on those positive thoughts.

*huggles Helen* Come over to my part of the ward, my weathers been constant all week....well apart from the scary thunderstorm at 2am this morning, but my trusty ol Ted got me through that.....my partner however, slept through it!!

*goes around every nook and cranny of the ward to huggle everyone and share my happiness*

Gosh being happy is tiring! Not that I'm complaining, just stating the facts....though its probably more to do with the fact that I've got M.E and today I was out of my flat for 6hours!!! Travelling to/from and seeing a friend who I've not seen in a year cos I've been anti social. Anyhoo, I've taken my night meds early and now gonna get tucked up in bed before I fall down. Nighty Night all!

*goes into favourite corner by big pot plant to curl up and recupperate*

Dayna - Any news? Hope your flatmate is okay.

Jazz - I don't think it was a stupid idea if it was the only place you felt safe. Just hope you managed to get off the roof!

*Hugs Vicki back* How are you?

*Sits with Seraph* I'm here if you need to talk.

Helen - It's been pretty constant here. Very sunny and very hot. Been enjoying the sunshine? I have. But not the heat so much.

*Dances with Hayley* Nice to see you so happy hun :) Sleep well.

-------

I'm going to have to post in the first aid forum. I've found a lump...down there. Not sure what it is, but I'm feeling a bit worried as I haven't been feeling very well these last few days.
Otherwise I'm okay.
Stayed up till 4am drinking last night, on my own. Dad had some wine with me till about 1am and then I stayed up on chat. Didn't know anyone in there. They were all mostly from other countries seeing as it was very early morning for me.

*Leaves hugs and warm thoughts for everyone*
xxx

Sorry I can't be around very much for the next few weeks.

Thinking of you all

*hugs and warm shortbread biscuits*

Arwen, if it's suddenly come up, it's probably just a cyst or something random and unsinister. It happens.

Hayley, it's so lovely to see someone happy. It kind of radiates :)

*hugs everyone*

Do you ever get so consumed with hating yourself that you can't physically do anything? I can't fathom why anyone comes near me. I'm a horrible despicable unacceptable human being and I deserve to die. I cannot express how much I hate me today.

*wanders in and settles into a corner*

Sorry, not individual replies.. I've been cutting the past few days.. hmm not much else to say really.. I think.. I don't know.. everythings just blerrgghh..

I've been enjoying the sunshine mostly :)

*cuddles up with Hayley*

I'm going on holiday on Tuesday, well, off to stay with a best friend (met through RYL- Jade aka Tears of Soltidue).

Just realised how much I'm shitting myself about one part of the journey. Am okay with the first train, but then got to walk to Euston Square Underground to get the tube to Aldgate, then got to walk to London Fenchurch Street train station. Will be okay with the 2nd train. But am seriously shitting myself about the bits in between, I've finally figured out what tube to take, what line, how to walk to the tube/train station. But I'm bricking having to do it, it has to go okay, PLEASE let me do everything ok. I'm nearly crying about it...haha!!!!!!

Am I being stuipd :S

just popping in before i head back to bed to let you know that i got down from the roof. fire department had to come and use the bucket lift thing (the big arm with the basket on the end to lift people up high) to get me down though because i physically couldn't get down the ladder. needless to say i'm a touch embarrassed, but otherwise ok. sad part is, the lady firefighter who came up in the bucket lift was my ex girlfriend's older sister! haha small world. =)

Hi Zowie :) I'm ok...sort of...maybe? Meh. How're you doing?

Helen, you'll be fine hon, I know you will. If you do hit any problems there are plenty of maps and things around or you can give me a call cause a couple of my mates are from London and they'll be able to help you. x

I'm glad you're safe Jazz, sorry you couldn't get down yourself but that's what the fire department are for...to help...hope you're feeling ok now x

*hugs all*

Am going to make sn emergency appointment with a doc tomorrow to get a med change. The injections aren't working at all. Will hopefully be able to get an appointment tomorrow otherwise I might be a serious risk to myself. Please cross your fingers for me.

*offers everyone more hugs and leaves a plate of nachos for those where it is winter and cold drinks for those for whom it is summer*

*hugs zowie, Hayley, jazz, vicki, MammaMia and Kahlia* hope i didnt miss anyone out! *steals a cold drink before returning to my corner* I can't get over the need to hurt myself, why wont it go away

*hugs shadow*

*Hugs everyone* Just about to go out, so no time for individual replies. Going up on the hills where we spread my mum's ashes. We're going to have a picnic/bbq and my little sister is taking a friend to keep her company.
It should be nice, but it's a hell of a journey. We've got to get the train then walk for about half an hour. I really should stop complaining though, god knows I need the exercise.