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-   -   Really struggling (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=260497)

Sleepless123 25-07-2020 06:02 PM

Really struggling
 
Hi I hope itís ok to post.

In the middle of July I took a large overdose. The professionals tell me I took a lethal amount (which was unfortunately the aim - I did not plan to survive). I spent a week in ICU, a day on a general medical ward and have now been transferred to the local psychiatric ward however expect to be discharged from inpatient this week or next.

I just feel hopeless. I donít know where to go from here. I just feel my suicide is inevitable. I feel frustrated that Iíve ended up in ICU from 3 overdoses in my life and havenít succeeded to die. Another part of me must want to live or I wouldnít even bother to post this I guess?

I donít know what I want from this thread - some comforting words maybe or someone to listen? I feel quite isolated.

Thanks in advance to anyone who replies. I know Iím not very good at messaging back but I do read replies and appreciate them.

Auror. 25-07-2020 09:19 PM

I am unsure what to say but I have read. Are you going to be offered any support once you are out of inpatient?

tamobhuuta 26-07-2020 10:33 AM

What if it's not your time to die? Can you remind yourself all through the day that there is an, even very small, part of you that wants to live.

Irisflower 26-07-2020 05:57 PM

Is there anyone in your life you feel even slightly connected to? Someone who cares about you? We care, too, and we're here to listen.

one_step_closer 27-07-2020 07:26 PM

I'm sorry you've been having a hard time. Sorry, short message, hold on tight to the the fact that this could be a real positive thing and with enough support. Sending massive piles of fairy dust.

Sleepless123 31-07-2020 05:52 PM

Hi

Thanks for the replies and hugs. I am still on the psychiatric ward. Hoping to get some escorted or unescorted leave at the weekend but that hasn’t been decided yet.

The person who has been allocated as my care co-ordinator is back from annual leave next week. I am surprised they’ve allowed me to stay this long but I do expect discharge soon. I don’t get on with the person who has been allocated as my care co-ordinator and that concerns me - when I got my records from the Trust a while back he had been really negative and mean about me in them.

I am finding the admission useful though and have been attending some group and one to one sessions the past few days which I feel have been helpful.

Another patient on the ward hit me in the week. She kept going in my room and I asked staff to get her out. Being hit made me feel very unsafe on the ward
especially given my visual impairment and I wanted to leave but the ward staff convinced me to stay and are now providing me with extra support.

I feel quite safe from myself on the ward as I can’t order more tablets at the moment as my parents are picking up my post. I think I will end up ordering more tablets and be unsafe at home when I am discharged but there is nothing anyone can do to change that.

I feel that I maybe beyond the point where recovery is possible.

Thanks for all the support - I really appreciate it.

one_step_closer 01-08-2020 10:29 AM

Has your inpatient stay been worth the the time, that you haven't been discharged yet. You say you've had positives of being there for this longer time and that you have been using the group sessions and one to one. That sounds like a helpful admission.

I know what it's like staff writing negative things about you. Are you going to request your results or just leave them? From experience I've found that an upsetting.

It sounds like you could reach the next step in your journey but not if you're planning on buying meds. The end of an admission should leave you feel at least safer, you really shouldn't be thinking about ways of hurting/killing yourself. Use this admission to get where you're suppose to be at the end of an admission.


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