*cuddles hayley and throws a ton of confetti in preparation for her 1 year celebration* A year is so awesome hun. I know its hard when people just assume you are fixed because it is not that simple, but you really should celebrate 1 year. I am so proud of you!

*hugs crimson just because I can*

*takes hugs and clings to Laura and Hayley*
can we stop the roller coaster? I want to get off. please?

*cuddles crimson* i'm sorry hun. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better... but everything that is coming to mind sounds stupid or cliche/unhelpful. Here for you though if you need to talk.

i spy laura!! *cuddles* read your r/v and don't have words at the moment, but just *extra special healing cuddles*

i'm a wreck. :'( updated my r/v and uncovered some feelings i never wanted to admit to having... :( ...because it feels/felt weak.

i really want to cut now. cut badly. i don't care what my treatment team thinks, i just want to hurt myself and do so badly. :crying:

*cuddles April*

*extra special hugs april* okay, so i was going to respond to your r/v thread... and it turned out really long... like several paragraphs... so i think i'll just PM it to you instead. Otherwise i feel like I will really be monopolizing the ward lol. On here i will just say. While I know res is a scary thought, you would not be "losing" yourself or coming back a different person. It could help you be less low and more in control though... and that is all good isn't it? Nobody would be "taking away" your illnesses or experiences.

April, Laura, my anxiety did die last night. Well went down a massive lot. It's been away most of the day but it came back a bit this evening.

Wish the suicide thoughts would go away, starting to get scared I'll act on them. Not suicidal as of yet, scared that'll happen. I'm constantly trying to hold things in, I know, not good. But I struggle to open up right now, no idea why....

*offers cuddles to all*

huggles for everyone and really hope all the crappiness goes away. I wish I had a magic wand that made everyone feel better.

*hugs hayley* hang in there my lovely your posts always make me feel like a special breeze has wafted through the room. A year, yay, that's awesome :)

*hugs Kahlia* sorry you're feeling so low, keep fighting, keep fighting, you're not a failure in any way shape or form

*hugs Helen* sometimes we can't open up because we're fighting so hard, don't let it worry you, glad the anxiety dies a bit

*hugs Laura* if you ever feel like talking you know you can here, and you're not an idiot, nope you're not

*hugs Crimson* I hope tomorrow you don't feel so bad

*hugs april* I hope you didn't cut hun, stay safe *cuddles*

*hugs Mark* I hope the happy face doesn't drain you too much, remember you can always tell the truth here. You're PHYSOSTEGIA - plants usually flop if they've (a) had too much water (b) had too little water. If you've got it in direct sunlight which apparently they like then it probably needs more water in this weather. Also if it's potted have you been feeding it with plant food like babybio every two weeks, would probably do it good

*hugs Jessica* and how are you?

*hugs Jill* you can do this, yes you can

*hugs Heather* hope you are doing ok

*hugs Julie* don't hide *cuddles*

*hugs Kat* how are you today

*hugs JK* hope you are okay too

*hugs Oliver* sorry I can't offer more, all I will say is that I'm sure that being there for her is helping her more than you will ever know.

*hugs Nicole**hugs Louise**hugs Lia**hugs Lindsay*

and I'm so sorry if I've forgotten you but I send you hugs anyway

I'm okay, tired, need to go to bed.

I ordered some camouflage cream from Amazon but I had to put it on my credit card which I share with my mum because mine is maxed out due to having to pay for my car to be fixed and I needed it to arrive before Wednesday and she's always so nosey, I wonder if I can get away with saying "oh it's just something for the wedding" - 10 days with my family I'm going to feel so unpretty. I really would cut before I go just to keep me going but I can't because it would be too obvious and my sensible head is still loudest. That and I'm supposed to be trying to live with wanting to but not giving in, if that makes sense.

I feel fat and unpretty :(

thanks laura, mark April Wildy insane, I'm manging to stay safe so far. This is going to sound stupid. Erm I keep having this weird dream,in this dream I do what I want to do to myself. And it works and I can feel myself slip away, and for the first time I feel peacefull, im in no pain everthings okay. Then I wake up and relied it was just a dream and I'm still here. Sorry just had enough, and I can't keep these thoughts at bay I want to act on them, just can't if that makes sence

It doesn't sounds stupid at all, but the dream isn't real and the thoughts are lies, and I'm glad you can't act on them because it means you still want to live even if you don't think you do, you are still fighting, you can keep fighting, ignoring those lies you can be at peace and happy and without pain in real life, no other way. Dreams are interesting, you feel peaceful and without pain in your dream, maybe that's you're body's way of giving you a break, to give you strength to carry on fighting? take care, stay safe

*waves* I'm okay I spose. Pretty much lost the will to do anything though. I've spent countless hours just lying on my bed. I haven't SI'd in over a week now. I'm not entirely sure how I made it through last night without it happening. I'm starting to wonder if not doing it is making things worse.

*hugs to everyone* Sorry for not being very supportive.

-sits rubbing tummy sighs- icky girl stuff:sad:

*Hugs Hayley * I'm sorry to hear about your friend:(
Congratulations on your one year S.I. free though Hayley:)

Hmm I can't keep individual replies in my head long enough to type them , it took 3 attemps to type that last sentence grr.

Hmmm no privacy here , gtg stay safe everyone.

EDIT:- Oops my Dad just came periously close to catching me on here , and I don't know , this is kinda private between you guys and me , thanks for the plant advice Hannah , I water it tons so maybe thats it . It is hard hiding my internet activity , I can't just say "I'm on a self injury support site" , I don't want to upset people , I'm not sure if they even know I still do it

*cuddles all*

*leaves hugs and cuddles for all who can take and accept them and safe love and care packages for anyone who wants them*

i'm sorry, but that's all i'm good for at the moment

We love you Kahlia, it's okay sweetie *cuddles tight*

thanks Hels. *cuddles in tightly and starts crying* so sick of feeling like this - anxiety/urges/depression

I know sweetie, I can't blame you *cuddles tightly and cries with you* It will get better sweetheart.

Hey guys. I only read the last page of stuff as I haven't been on in a few days.

Jess- Really good that you haven't in over a week, you are stronger than you think and it can feel as if things are worse not doing it, but in the long run, it's going to set you free and make things so much better.

Julie- Same :/

*Hugs Kahlia*- I know. I am too, but you have to keep on fighting it. If you've lived this long, there's got to be something your holding on for. Think of that.

*Hugs to anyone else who wants them.*

Thanks Lia. I'm currently bribing myself to go a month with the ice skates I want. It's going to be a very hard month but I know it will be worth it in the long run.

*leaves a box of hugs and plush toys*

Hello everyone, I haven't been here for a while. How's things?

****. What about you?

oops I let the happy mask slip for one breif moment, said I was tired at 7.30pm and all I got was "you haven't done anything all day ! you need a good long walk" from my Mother. I feel I can't let anyone in , they'll just dimiss me like my mother.

I need to cut cut cut but I can't not here :(


Sorry I sound like a petulant child

*Remind self* , Low inside , Smile outside

*sits*

Hi Nicole :) *Hugs*

*sits with Nicole*

-sits with Nicole and Helen-

Hi Nicole, how are you?

*Hugs Mark*- I feel exactly the same. I'm so scared of rejection and dimissal that I keep everyone at arm's length. I don't even really open up on here, and it's a support website. I'm just so scared. I'm tired of being scared. I've said too much. I'll shut up.

Try to do something as a distraction. I just watched a movie. A Cinderella Story, it's not the best movie ever, but it meant I didn't have to think. I also have my writing, that keeps me on this edge. Just. Do you have a hobby that you can do anytime?

Well Lia *Hugs * First , I used to LOVE to read but I can't even watch much tv I've so little concentration and focus these days , Damn Depression
I HATE having Depression,
I HATE cutting,
I HATE meds and their side effects,
I HATE myself,
HATE HATE HATE:( Sorry

I'm shutting down the laptop now .
Check back tomorow.
Night Night everyone.
Sweet dreams.

Night night Mark. Don't hate yourself, you're an amazing, strong person. Sweet dreams to you too.
xx

I'm alone in the house and my mum went out almost 5 hours ago with my sister. They should be back by now and I keep hearing things...I know it sounds childish, but I'm kinda scared.

Not childish to be scared sweet. Everyone gets scared.

Well I kinda need someone to talk to. Anyone around? I like being home alone, but not like this, not when they should be back. I have a knife beside me, but I'm scared I'll use it for other things.

Hey Julie. You alright?

*Curls in corner, scared and alone. *

*huggles lia and sits with her if that's okay?*

just checking in... cuddles all 'round to those who want them.

sorry it's not more. :(

Hey April, what's up sweetie?
xx

hmm...nothing, absolutely nothing, confirms it I guess

hugs to everyone, I'm gonna go now

leaves a bucket of hugs and hope and tea and calorie free ginger cake

keep fighting

*hugs to all if they can accept them*

Sorry I'm so useless right now.

Yay, I love tea! *Comes out of corner to get a cup of tea and speak to others*

Everyone alright?

xx

i'm meh. trying to work on getting the apartment ready for de-flea-ing but i hardly have the energy to put all of the effing stuff that we have (dunno where it all came from!!!) into totes. i think we've filled 10 18-gallon totes so far... :-S

r/v updated awhile ago, forgot to mention that.

how are you doing now, lia?

*cuddles hannah & hels*

I'm fine. As always. I'm smiling, see?

Well have fun with the box packing, and meh's better than ****. It could be worse. :)

x

Mmmhm. I think we "banned" the word "fine" in here awhile ago... :) ...and we all know that smiling doesn't mean that you're okay. We're all experts here at keeping up that mask, remember? *hugs* Wish I could say something that would help you be okay with opening up a bit more... am worried about you.

Meh turned to ****. :( It usually does in the evenings, especially when I'm extra tired. Turns out that a room in our house is particularly flea infested and that just makes me feel ill. I hate this whole shizbang of fleas and medication for the cat and flea-bombs and moving crap... :'( It's a pain in the bum and I just want to call it quits. I've kind of not done my end-of-internship report yet, either. REALLY need to get cracking on that. :'(

At least I get to see my bestie tomorrow, and I texted with her a bit today. Didn't help me feel any better really but at least I managed to give her some support.

'Kay, gonna see if we can go to bed now... or soon - gotta take showers first. Soooo tired!!!! :'(

my mom is back in the hospital *sigh* Still waiting for things to turn around.

Sorry for lack of individual replies. Can barely handle this right now.
*hugs everyone*

*offers hugs and cuddles to all who can accept and safe care and love packages to everyone else*

sorry i'm so crap at everything at the moment. can hardly hold myself together for more than 5 minutes.

spent last night and today upgrading my computer to windows 7 ultimate, office professional plus 2010, visio premium 2010 and various other things, and now am trying to get adove cs5 design premium on subscription so that i can have dreamweaver (education level - full features but not full cost) so i can do my course.

the big catch - i can barely function.

it's all just a damn waste of time. someone please kill me now.

ugh, ****ing holidays, stupid bloody food =[
*hugs laura* message?

*squishes kahlia and everyone else who wants*
<3

*Hugs for all who want them and low fat cookies for those who don't. Let's have some tea too since it's morning.*

April- Sorry, I will have to look through my thesarus for another word :) I have to be OK, I always have to be because whenever I'm not people just dismiss or ignore me, just like my best friend did last night. Totally ignored my comment about feeling worthless. Either that or they just hurt me in the long run and I can't take it anymore.

I hope you feel better now since it's morning. Maybe you could get rid of the fleas in a fun way. Have a Pied Piper of Hamlin/Enchnaed moment and sing and dance so they follow you out of the house and down the street, but sing 'A Happy Working Song' first and they might clean your house for you.

Laura- I'm sorry about your mum. Things should turn around soon, she must be getting better to be allowed out, and in the meantime, you have us :)

Kahlia- Do you know what happened to make you feel this way? Or is it just life in general? It's OK to fall apart now and again, we aren't going to judge for it. Please don't do anything you can't take back, however bad the badn times are, there are always good times amongst it. Think of those.

Heather- *hugs* I know what you mean, I always eat **** loads in the holidays and really hate it. I also just don't like the holidays in general.

I was not impressed, I typed all this out and accidently deleted it. Oh well, typing it out again gave me something to do.

I'm bang-tidy (that better April?)

Morning everyone.
*
*Group hugs to all who wants them *
*Waves to everyone else*

We are "Doing" my dads birthday today. I've just taken 23 minutes to check on the computer.

Sorry I'm of no use ,I hope people genuinally feel fine or bang-tidy soon:)