*sits sniffles*

*cuddles julie* what's wrong, hon?

i'm so exhausted. just saw one of my friends from church, keep getting hit with how freaking skinny she is... :'( i'm scared for her and also triggered... which really sucks. i don't know what to do anymore.

i have therapy later today... my 2nd session with this therapist... dunno how well that's gonna go. :-/ am scared.

keep thinking i'm hearing voices where there are none. i mean, i can separate what's real from what isn't. i think it may be because i'm so tired? but i don't know... :-S

just updated r/v again... wish it weren't so freaking quiet in here, need some company. :'( *turns on some lights and puts delta goodrem on...*

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9uXZJrGsdeM[/ame]

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkcpHVDiAmk[/ame]

Hi guys.

*Hugs April, Mark and anyone else who wants a hug*

April- how are you feeling now? Are you any better? Would you like to tell us what made you feel the way you are right now?

Same with you Mark, do you know what made you feel so low? I hope you're both feeling better now, and anyone else who was hurting. I don't know what else to say.

Remember, you're not alone, we're all here for you, everyone on this site. Don't give up.

xx

p.s what's brown and sticky?

A stick!

Sorry about the bad jokes, but I find the bad jokes are always the best, they're so insanly appaling that they're funny.

*Hugs April*

*Hugs Julie*

*Hugs Lia*

*Hugs Marks back*

You know what I love about this thread? People really care, not that they don't on the other threads, but on here, people use your first name and do individual replies, which I haven't found anywhere else. I feel a part of something, even if I am younger than virtually all of you it doesn't really matter because we are all in the same boat and we all need someone.

How are you feeling now Mark?

xx

lia, i totally agree with you there. people here care... and i haven't found that in many other threads. there used to be another one here in vet's support that was more of a general chat thread, but it got lost because the people in it got sick of talking about problems so instead made a general chat "*minimal triggers*" thread in vet's general. blah. not really sure that i agree with them, but whatever. at least this thread is still around. :)

i don't know what's making me feel this way. i think being worried about my therapy appt because i'm scared she thinks i'm a joke. last appt there was a question on the sheet i had to fill out that i couldn't figure out - it was either asking me what caused me to come in to therapy or what caused the problems i had to list above, and i wrote, "not sure," because i wasn't. then just as i was going out the door, the therapist said, "oh, and you don't know why you're here?" and it took me a bit to figure out why she said that... so yeah, gonna have to correct that later. :-/

i am still hearing snatches of whispered voices. it's not thoughts, it's voices, and it's worse when it's utterly quiet. :( ughhh. i hate being this way. psychotic breaks really do suck, especially when i'm already taking 30mg abilify. :(

*hides in a hole* :'(

*huggles lia, april, mark, kahlia, jk, helen, oliver, jess, kat(et al), kathryn (et al), julie (et al , but waves to o), anyone else I missed (sorry... didn't mean to forget you if i did)*
How is everyone this morning?

I'm sure she doesn't think you're a joke April. Just be sure to let them know you weren't sure what the question was referring to and what the correction should be. *cuddles and hands a plushie*

I'm okay thankyou Lia , A little numb , it just seems whenever I shut my eyes I start falling alsleep and the I get phases of not sleeping at all . I could cut tonight , just to "feel" , which is one of many reasons I do it
*Hugs Lia*

April Good luck with your therapist later, I'm sure she doesn't think you're a joke , not at all , Just be honest that you don't understand the question*Hugs*

*Hugs Crimson*

*cuddles everyone*
<3333

It was my Dad's funeral today. Feeling a bit low and suicidal.

*cuddles Lindsay and sits with*

*Hugs Lindsay*

*hugs april, mark, lia, heather, lindsay, crimson, oliver, and everyone I missed*

Hope everyone is okay. Try to stay safe.

Feeling grumpy today. Mostly b/c i woke up with a stye in my eye. I hate styes. I get them about once a year or so. Just makes me/makes me feel even more unattractive than i already am. *sigh* okay i'll stop before I start to rant about nothing.

*sits*

*Hugs Nicole* How are you today?

*cuddles all* Sorry I haven't been around guys, a mix of internet issues and MH issues.

Been thinking of you all, and missing our contact. Just wanted to say hi and send hugs and strength to all my friends here.

Loves
JK xx

*hugs mark*
worse than yesterday. i cut :( and had an argument with a girl at group.

Oh Nicole , please take care of your cut ( Sterile ,clean ) and try not to dwell on the argument you had with the girl at group , Just deep breaths , and let it pass *Hugs*

*HUGS JK* I miss you being around , I hope you are taking care of yourself :)

Well,
I'm not overly tired but am going to bed I don't know all the reasons why. It will stop me cutting , thats a good reason .It will stop me feeling low , thats a good reason, so 2 good reasons .

Asleep is the safest place you can be.

*hugs* thanks mark. i cleaned the cuts, and am trying to get over the argument, but it got to me, cause me and the girl got on quite well, and one of the rules of group is that any self harm scars have to be coverd, and hers wasnt and it was really triggering me, and i was nice and waited till we were on our own and asked her nicley to cover them up cause they were triggering me! and i was right to do that cause one of the workers heardbout it and came and spoke to me and said that shes sorry and she was gonna have a word but i got there first and that i shouldnt take it personally but i did and the woman who said that is really nice but shes leaving and im scared!! :'(

*Gentle Hugs Nicole*

*clings to mark and cries* i dont wanna do this anymore. i'm so suicidal, worse than i've ever been. i didnt wanna leave group today, i hated it there cause of gemma. but i didnt wanna come home. i hate home. i want to die.

*Hugs Nicole*

I've spoken to you before. I'm so sorry I can't help. I just don't know what to say. Please try to stay safe, distract yourself, do anything.

The sun will come out tomorrow (I'm sorry if I just got that stuck in anyone's head.)

April, I'm sure she doesn't think that, you just got confused with the question, easily done. I can be sehr stupid at times. I got an A* in my RE mock exam, but in the real thing when it matters I go and write about the wrong thing completly. Oh well.
xx

I want to die. There's nothing left for me here.

JK!!! *pounces on* Its good to hear from you!

*hugs mark, lia, and nicole*

Hang in there. All of you are good people, that can offer so much. Sorry I cant say more than that right now. I'll try to do more individual replies later tonight.

I spy crimson! *hugs*

*hugs all*

It's about 0800 and I'd rather be in bed. I'll probably go back there. Struggling to find a reason to keep myself up. Tomorrow is a milestone if I can make myself get there ... but right now I have to fight to stay alive, and in the moment. *sigh*

So.damn.over.it.all.

*hugs for everybody*

I know it's lame but it's all I can manage right now

keep fighting guys, you can do it, you deserve to get through this and come out smiling, don't give up.

*snuggles everyone and sighs*

*Hugs Mark and Laura tight* thanks guys, its nice to be welcomed back :)

Nicole, honey, you need to focus on one thing that's going to get you through this and hold on to it tight ok. I had a conversation with my therapist today kind of on a similar thing and the only 2 things in my life that matter enough to stop me when I'm like that are my wee god daughter and my wee niece. Whoever or whatever your "thing" is get a picture and carry it with you, might be your darling puss cats, or a best friend or even a beautiful flower or sunset. There's gotta be something hun, and no matter how small it is its worth it. Life is worth it, and you have so much cool stuff ahead of you 'k? Keep talking to us here. *hugs really really tight* but not so tight as to squish you.

Hi Lia, I'm the missing JK lol, the sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar, and yes that is in my head now thanks. *hugs if that's OK*

Special cuddles for you April, you're having a rough time hun, hang in there, you're a strong chick who will get through this.

Kahlia, Helen, Crimson, Hayley, Oliver, Julie and everyone else I've forgotten in my long absence.....I miss you guys and hope things are 'OK' for you. Keep fighting Kahlia, you've done it before and I know how tiring it is but you know that you can.

Right, off again now, internetless again for a few days so take good care of each other.

*hugs JK back tightly* we'll miss you again.

*hugs heather* you okay?

*hugs hannah* its okay that hugs are all you can manage right now. It's good to hear from you.

*hugs kahlia* Keeping fighting hun. You are such a strong person. What is the milestone for tomorrow?

*hugs lia, nicole, mark, and april*

I'm so confused... and invisible. *hides away* it's probably where I belong anyway

you dont deserves to be hiding. sup lovely? <3
*squishes laura tight*

im going to beach monday so need shorts... blah.
and had loads of food today :(

dodgy internet connection works = hooray.

Laura, hun, I won't give up if you don't give up.

Hugs Heather, and Hannah.

Lindsay, I'm so sorry about your Dad, I heard from mine tonight and really felt for you *offers shoulder to cry on and hugs tight*

Not lovely. Ugly and idiotic.

I'm not safe. I feel like a broken record though... always saying that my thoughts are spinning, but that is what they are doing and it really throws me off sometimes, and confuses me.. I'm so confused.. I would try to type some out so that you guys could know what I am saying, but I think that would be a very long and self centered post.

*hugs heather back* I hope that you are able to find some shorts. I understand not wanting to shop for them though... I went shopping tonight and it made me feel huge. You are beautiful though hun, don't let that mentality get to you so much.

*hugs JK* sorry I was typing while you posted. Dodgy internet is no good. How else r u?

I'm trying not to give up..

Laura - my milestone is 22 months SI free ... at 9am tomorrow morning my time (GMT+10). Almost 2 years free.

*hugs all of you who can accept hugs and wishes she could do more*

Kahlia - *prepares confetti for throwing* wow! almost 2 years, thats great!!

Kahlia 22 Months is amazing :-) < Breaks out the Grin

wow, a lot of posts since the last time i posted... sorry i haven't been keeping up too well, things have been kind of crazy here. :( i feel bad now...

i'm gonna be working from home today - trying to convince my supervisor that i don't need a sick day, that instead i need to be able to be at home, because so *sigh* i hate life at the moment and am very grumpy and icky. :'(

therapy went okay yesterday... it was really tough though. i think i'm going to be sticking with this therapist, as she seems to know what she's doing (lol). we did the two-chair exercise, where the part of me that doesn't want to get better talked to the part of me that does want to get better... it was a little scary to hear how spiteful and angry the don't-want-to-get-better voice was. :-S we also did another exercise that i'm going to try to remember, a centering exercise, focusing on physical and emotional sensations as well as thoughts. it was pretty good actually and she said that it was good i could be as aware as i was. but we talked about the sexual abuse that happened years ago so i came out of there pretty numb. :-X i'm still feeling kind of numb actually...

sorry for the lack of individual replies. :( just am not up to replying to everyone, but i do want to say an early congrats to kahlia. :D

*cuddles everyone*

and i updated my r/v about therapy... :-X a little more in-depth if you care to read. it's okay if you don't though, i understand.

:-/

Hey everyone. I'm not doing too well right now. Really urgy and miserable. I can barely function. I have read through everything that has been posted though. *huge hugs to everyone*

*Hugs April* it sounds like you had a really positive meeting with your new therapist and it sounds good that you'll be able to see her weekly rather every 2 weeks :) , I Never did any exercises like that with my Pychologist , we more talked about my problems as it was specifically aimed at my S.I. . Pychologist/Therapist , very different I guess.

*Hugs Jessica* I'm sorry you are feeling so low and urgy , same here so I can relate

Must STOP Absent mindedly pulling sleeves up.
EDIT:I need a disstration and haevn't played WoW in a week so I'll pop out to the shops and then maybe play it for an hour

EDIT2: Ran into Alex from last summers stay in the pysch ward . he asked if I was "With" "That" girl from the ward , I said we were friends, he said not to let her go , I KNOW THAT hmmpf , Triggered from running into him , and annoyed that he still pryed into my life , I don't feel comfortable around him.

am so ****ing angry with myself. have to take a sick day so now my internship extends into wednesday of next week instead of tuesday. :crying:

i just want some hugs, support, encouragement, anything, because honestly i don't feel like i can keep going. :crying:

*Hugs April Tons* you can do 1 extra day April , you're so close , you CAN do this

*hides*

*gives april a big bear hug.* hang in there hun. curls up and hides, just when everthing going not to bad, somthing comes along and messes it up again. damn it i want to cut really badly or worse. im such a muppet. hits head againts the wall hard. stuiped jill, stuiped jill.

*Hugs Nicole*

*Huggles Jill*you're not stupid at all Jill not at all

*gives you all lots of cuddles*
sorry been absent for a few days, I ended up in hospital!! I was playing football and someones knee collided with my ribs, was in agony and had to go to A and E and then they kept me in because my haemoglobin levels were low and they were worried about my liver being damaged, but I'm fine, just a bit bruised.
Although my girlfriend is out of hospital and is loads better :)
I'm babysitting tonight with her, I've never really looked after little kids before, one is 4 and the other a baby, bit scared.
must dash I've got to go, sorry for the quick visit, shall reply properly when I have time