*hugs* you could listen to music you like and sing loudly, only happy music or music with a lot of power. I do that sometimes when I'm not feeling safe.

Heather - yeah, I can ride that well, but it took me years of training. I can ride bareback without reins and I don't fall off when the horse starts to rise or whatever. But yeah... it took a LOT of training and I know 'my' horse well. But being a good rider doesn't really do anything good lately... we don't own the horse anymore and I can't ride knight tournaments with other peoples horses.

thank you, i found out just how much im affecting my mum and i feel so guilty i just want to cut. I wish i could run away and her not see my pain anymore. I dont know what to do.

I have an announsment to make tomorrow , sad but positive , night ya'll

night x

Mark: that's not fair to make us wait.

happiness: I don't know in what way you are affecting your mom. But her being affected by you means that she really loves you.

I'm off to bed, too. Good night all.

With my depression she sees me struggling and hates that im not getting better.

hugs you all

*hugs back*

*Hugs Laura*

*Hugs Louise*

*Hugs Heather*

*Hugs Faye*

Dear Wardies , Today I am ONE YEAR S.I. free exactly :D . I however am struggling and have been professionally advised to not support so many people online so with a heavy heart I am provisionally discharging myself from the ward . I have been here years and dearly love you call , I will pop back and visit often , If you have facebook and want to add me please PM me , or PM me anytime if you need to chat . I am struggling recently with my mental health and if I don't take care of myself I won't be able to help others . Now as I'm crying I will leave Huggles and Fruit for you all. I wish you all the very best , <3 , Mark .

Aww Mark it's good that you're one year SI free, we love you too and hope you pop by as often as you feel able to (hugs)

*snuggles everyone*

thats amazing mark well done *bighugs* hope things get better my inbox is always open if you want some support or can add me on facebook. Look after yourself things will get better.

*snuggles dylan*
Hope everyones ok?

love you mark, im on fb if you need. <3.
proud. =]

can someone knock me out please? my jaw and head both hurt, im tired, my leg hurts and i feel crabby.

*hides in the corner*

Thank You Heather :)

*Hugs Faye*

thanks grr at pain today altho i did get a job yay

Yey Sarah!!

stupidest thing ever. i get anti-psychtics to get normal when all it does is just shove everything i have at 1 end of my brain and kills my mental anti-psychotics defense system into a box in a corner somewhere. then i get anti depressant to feel happy about it. wtf is that point of? doctors without borders. what a laugh. doctors without iq.. and on the side of that is a anti-bi-effect to just swish along.

i feel ridiculously badly ill and my brain has no blood left in it for every mother****ing brainsucker out there. i wanna f'ing go do something stupid like vomitting or worse. they are ****ing using me and laughs about it and i can't do anything about it cause if i do they'll just put me on a stronger medicine that has me drooling over nothing.

*crawls in corner* *innaffective* *listens to music* *inaffective* *playing dead in my mind* *inaffective*

nobody takes any responisibilityand i'm left with their shame, anger, hate, guilt, conciousness, life death heaven hell earth wind water air fire ground stone. either i'm gonna slowly tear myself down because of this or am i gonna stay undisputed in beeing dumbfooled and the one that everyone hates and looks down on forever since i have nothing to hold on to anymore.

like no one is around me i just gonna feel deep til i drop. or maybe i need some food. btw 3+ months free of cutting.
mom seems distant - dad came by to look at my computer monitor tv before he left - ppl that comes with medicine have all the blame for this. i dont even get a window of a sigh of future good things to happen.

fear = everything. solution? buy a cat. raise it as a companion. not a pet. hmm. maybe teach it to talk. talk to the cat til i drop fast sleeping. waking up it begging me for food while licking my cheek cause he needs attention.
playing with it for hours.

and hey. found out why i smoke so much = cause i'm afraid that i may want to begin to hurt myself.
some edge thing in my head going on. i'm just writing this incase i get a headache that could possibly kill me for not enough blood in my brain cause of meds.

i'll hide my tainted wrists behind a sour lipgloss'd kiss
&my acid green tears won't interfere
with your oh-so-clever plan to paint the whole world rainbow
but when you get to me; you know
you'll have long run out of rainbow paint
&my favourite hot pink will be too faint
to paint upon me; so just forget me
just paint me black &white
with words that give a vicious bite
&then erase me all away; erase me 'cause i'm your each &every pain
now non-existant; i'm much less a threat
but you'll never know that i was the closest to best friend that you'll ever get.

Thats right mom,
Just keep staring into the t.v,
Hide away from all your problems,
So you don't have to see,

Your familys falling apart,
To fast for your fingertips to catch,
Your sons hooked on drugs,
And your out of weed to match,

You could care less,
If i popped another dex,
That i've cried a hundred tears,
Without you seeing the effects,

You don't even know me,
Your to concerned in your own affairs,
Oblivious to everyone but yourself,
I am the failure your conciensce bares,

Your not even lliving,
To numb to feel the world around,
I am the mistake you made,
The chain to which your bound

Im sorry things are so hard for you hun. they can get better. 3 months is amazing well done you should be super proud. You just havent found the right doctor yet *big hugs* pm anytime x

night dudes and dudettes

good night sleep well x

Today has been a rough day of goodbyes up in my college town. Left me feeling broken. Gonna head to sleep but hugs to everyone!!

*Comes in and finds corner* anybody in?

hey everyone *hands out cookies and margaritas* I'm in Cyprus on holiday at the moment, so not been around as much, the wifi at the hotel costs a bomb :(

I'm actually alright atm, except the random hatred of all the skinny girls in bikinis with their unscarred, unblemished bodies. Really triggering the ED side of me.

I'm learning rudimentary mixology from a barman down the beach, so anyone fancies a virtual cocktail, I'm your girl!

*Hugs everyone*


My depression has gotten somewhat better I suppose. I am just really exhausted because I have been battling with my eating issues once again. Anyway I have been working on my anxiety issues and yesterday I managed to go to the gym even though their were quite a few people there. I just had to keep repeating to myself that I used to be able to do this normally and that it really isn't as big a deal as I make it out to be. I was extremely anxious and uncomfortable, so I managed to make myself stay for 30 minutes but I felt an anxiety attack coming on so I had to get out of there. Still it was a big step for me to go to a place that had a lot of people in it. I doubt that I will be able to do it again so soon but I am trying.

morning.

*settles down for the day*

*hugs all* how are you?

Katie - do you know any nonalcoholic cocktails? I'm not allowed to drink alcohol because of le meds and I don't want to try what would happen if I did.

hey laura
hows you?*hugs*

is it sad that im excited today has been fairly average and im excited by it? just because i havent felt really low all day. This is the first day in like forever.

I don't think it is sad to be excited about feeling good in a long time.

thanks :)

how are you?

I'm up visiting my grandparents on holiday and I have never wanted to disappear more. I'm writing this on my kindle so it will be short. Just witnessed my slightly mentally ill older cousin almost give my 86 year old uncle another stroke by screaming at him about nothing. Also had my grandmother tell me that tattooed people are somehow lesser than those without tattoos. She doesn't know I have a tattoo on my back. Oh and she told every single person she knew while we were out that I am on a diet and when they told me that I am gorgeous and didn't need to be on a diet she stopped them and said - yes she does.

I want to disappear.

I want to cut.

*hugs* sorry your having a bad time. How are you today?

im going to settle in for the day and sleep :)

Sleep helps so much. Hug to you happiness <3

cant sleep mind is too busy *hides under blanket and sobs*

I had a bad night yesterday and am feeling horrid today but I am just going to sleep and maybe watch some movies. (I am a very boring person). My mom is driving me crazy saying how I have lost so much weight and keeps praising me, honestly it just annoys me and I wish she would stop because it is so not helpful to hear that. Blah hopefully tomorrow is a better day. Atleast tonight it will just be me at home so I can relax and not worry about anyone bothering me.

*curls up under blanket*

*Hugs and snuggles everyone* I'm tired out I've been out all day. I so want to reopen a scar though just because it's not a pretty scar (I've got a dressing on it so I can't see it now)

*hugs dylan* don't open it sweetie, it won't help.

*hugs Laura* hope you're ok sweetie

*hugs RootsBeforeBranches* I know it's difficult honey, but you can get through this. People being insensitive is horrible, but their prejudices are their problem, not yours. hope you're alright.

*hugs MakeSomeNoise* sleep and movies are good things, not boring things. enjoy your peace and quiet.

I don't know how I'm feeling. I don't think I'm really feeling anything. Which is better than bad I suppose :S don't know. *hugs to everyone*

dont open it dylan it wont help hun.

why cant people just let me be ill and miserable and fail at life like i am? why do they want me to do things. I just want to curl up and cry.

*hugs Faye* because we don't think you fail at life, and we love you and want you to be happy.

*hands Faye margarita*

Laura, I could do you a Strawberry Slurpie Supreme? No alcohol, but lots of strawberry and chocolatey goodness :)

but i do fail, i always fail. I cant do anything. Im a big fat weak pathetic ugly failure.

No you're not (hugs)

you're not any of that faye <3

ihatefireworks. gonna be loads tonight =[

I am its all true please believe me. Ahh i hate it. Why cant everything go away and life be normal?

Are you in the us? could you watch a movie or listen to music to drown it out.

Honey, you're not the bad person you think you are *hugs Faye* this will get better sweetie

*hugs Rising* fireworks are scary - can you get away from them, or drown them out with music? Is there anyone with you who could help you?

I am bad please believe me. I make people sad because im sad. Im a bad person. Im frightened.

You're not a bad person Happiness (hugs)

*hugs dylan* im scared what if things go wrong tomorrow? why doesnt he love me anymore?

how would you feel like if you had no thoughts in your head your whole life?
would you be happy?
would you be suicidal?
would you be pro-life?
would you be pro-choice?
would you want to die?
would you like to live?
would you have had your dad bang you so hard into the pointy sharp wooden door way so that you totally lost controll over your life and are now living like a cat that overdosed on lsd and never remembering what they dont want you to remember living in dreams fear over everything because you just can't get a single thought out of your brain cause it feels like it's dead and living dead because you just had you're dad destroy 1 piece of you're nerve system that causes dreams and images to visualise in your mind never to remember again forever and eternity til days are gone and ppl are few. and causing you to not brain your own thoughts but to send them in wild ways to whomever wants them without you knowing who they were before you sent them so that you wont even remember it but on closer look you really feel distant and insecure and can never understand what life really was cause it's passed now. all my own dreams are beeing sent to a far away place where they will be holded until i arrive at that destination.

Alone Again
with nothing other than her razor and pen
the only two true friends
sitting in the corner of her cold bedroom
just wondering about how this all began
years before she had been so full of life
and now shes nothing more then a victim
a victim of this hell..
the urge gets stronger as his grip pulls her closer
she tries to escape but only fails
for he is stronger than she will ever be
once again...he wins
as the crimison tears begin..


Wondering where to go
Wondering what to say
My thoughts have sunk too low
And have darkend up my day
My mind fills me with sorrow
So in my corner I cry
Hopeing and dreaming of tomorrow
Wishing for wings to fly
Away to a new place
Where light and darkness roam
A place wheer I can show my face
And stand up on my own.

Monk I love your writing style *hug*

Sending love out to everyone tonight

Well my day was umm not so good. I ended up self harming again for the first time in 5 months, I thought I would feel guilty or upset about it but surprisingly I don't feel bad at all for doing it. Anyway I spent my night watching a marathon of rescue me with my brother (yep a very boring night but I don't mind since it is better than laying in my room depressed and suicidal.)

*hugs Faye* you're not bad sweetie, I promise. You're lovely.

*hugs MakeSomeNoise* have you cleaned the wounds honey? It's okay, you don't have to feel guilty. I hope you feel better soon, and that you're safe.

*hugs everyone*

It's that weird kind of day when I feel like I'm howling at the moon. I don't expect an answer, but I want her to know I hate her for her beautiful, indifferent remoteness. For being so many millions of miles away from the sordid planet we inhabit.

^^ yeah, crazy, I know.